Bah!

Current list of things I am tearing my hair out about:

1. On hold for 30+ minutes with student loan company who has the audacity to have one loan, while the other company has seven. Seriously? Yes.
2. Lost my hard drive last night. It died. It decided that life was over and it died. It didn't have a long illness, or struggle desperately to stay alive. It just up and died. And this is why I was at the mall on January 2nd, the last place I ever want to be. The only reason I'm ever there is to go to the Mac store, all for the privilege of feeling like an idiot.

This is why I ate banana pancakes with powdered sugar for lunch at 2pm. This is also why I am going to go make myself a cup of coffee, and drink it whilst listening to the loan guy drone on and on about forbearance, and income blah blah blah. Nevermind. I'll call back later.

Coffee time. Peace out.

Breathe in...breathe out...

All 26 poses in the Bikram series :)

Oh man. I've really been struggling the past couple days. I've become overwhelmed by the amount of pain and suffering in the world, the constant horror stories I'm privy to. I know I can't save anyone. I know it's not my job to fix anyone else's problems. But it weighs on my soul in a way that feels like I can't breathe, and it almost feels better not to breathe, but then I get really really tired and I want to lie down and die.

This feeling makes sense to me because of Bikram. I've noticed that it often feels better in some poses to stop breathing, because breathing necessitates moving, and makes me more likely to fall down. But one has to breathe in order to get through the whole series. You might be able to get through a pose or two without breathing, but then you're too wiped out, and have to sit down. I get dizzy when I stop breathing. So I have to consciously breathe, six counts in, six counts out. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. I don't know why. But you have to breathe.

So breathing feels like dying, but won't actually kill you, and not breathing feels better, but might kill you. Quite the paradox, no? Somehow there is a psychological profundity in there, but I can't find it. Whatever it is, it isn't a pleasant thought.

Image retrieved at: http://theguiltlesslife.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/bikram.jpg

Menstruation! Periods!

Large cork placemats from Pimpernel - Made in England

So I personally hate the clutter of ads on blogs, and I don't see my blog as a marketing ploy, so I haven't signed up for any monetizing opportunities...until now. Today I signed up to be an affiliate on a menstrual cup website, and I've placed a friendly button on the right, under "My campaign to save the planet".

A couple months ago, I bought a cup in hopes that it would work for me, and allow me to radically decrease my personal waste. I get pretty offended by implicit suggestions that we as women should be scared or ashamed of our business, that we need someone else to take care of it for us. I've heard fear and disgust from so many people - it makes me sad :( There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with your body. Yeah, maybe I'll have a daughter someday and give her the "miracle of life" spiel, and then we'll all laugh at what a crazy hippie I am.

I am also VERY offended by those campaigns that tell people to buy sanitary napkins for women in Africa so they can go to school. When we place more importance on money than we do on human beings, we dehumanize people, and ourselves, in the process. I don't need to make any money off of the affiliate program. I just want to publicly support personal behavioral shifts that radically defy the status quo. Is that such a big thing to ask? I like to tell people things that they didn't know before. I like to be helpful.

Note: If anyone can affirmatively ding me for using that vintage ad as a button, let me know, and I'll take it down. Also, full disclosure, my deal is that if someone buys something through my page, then I get 15% of profits from the sale. If you think I should use the money for a particular cause, let me know in the comments :)

It's all about the afterlife.

Isn't this SO cute?

They always throw around this term "the liberal elite." And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

All the way to the end

I have taken the week off of thrifting and have committed to getting more of my inventory (i.e. overflowing box in my living room) listed. It seems to be going fairly well, if you don't include the rude intrusion of various humongous problems that shall not be listed here. I spent all of Monday photographing and listing, and that went very well. I have noticed, however, that there is a certain point where I have so much stuff that I have difficulty finding an item that has already been bought and paid for! When I had 100 items in my eBay shop, this was never a problem. But for some reason, 150 crosses that invisible line.

I have a couple dresses that need to be photographed. This photo reminds me that one of them is a vintage wedding dress. I tried to photograph it once before, but I just couldn't find the right light and surroundings to do it justice.

Now here's the important stuff that has nothing to do with the thrift store aspects of thrifting, prompted by the recent shootings in Seattle, by which my community has been affected directly: Life is really, really crappy, and life is really, really wonderful, and it's all jumbled up together in a big indistinguishable blob where you don't know which end is up, and whether suicide is a good option, or the stupidest option of all. In life, we will experience losses that will change us forever, scar us forever, and that is just how it is. There will always be grief, and there will always be loss, and our job sometimes is to ride the wave smoothly, even when the pain is unbearable.

Thrift Share Monday :)

I just want to give the world more beauty :)

 

Do you know that there are innocent people in prison? I just watched the documentary, The Thin Blue Line, and it reminds me why I wanted to go into law when I was a kid. I wanted to make sure that no one suffered for a crime they did not commit. I was a dreamer - I still am.

Are you a helper? How did that happen? What is the difference between a person who lives life committed to peace and justice, and a person who lives life for money and power? I guess that's one of the reasons I ended up where I am today as an adult, definitely not a lawyer. I wish I could understand why people decide to work for good, then I could pass it on.

I've named these "The Star Trek Shoes"

My newfound acceptance of science fiction and fantasy is evidence of my ability to dream a little more, to incorporate a little bit more un-reality into my life. I think dreaming is a really important thing. Sometimes we scold children for telling stories, and sometimes we need to be encouraging them to dream more instead of less. There has to be a time where imagination is fostered and nurtured. If we do not dream, we can never hope for something different.

Every one needs something big to dream. Dreaming keeps us alive.

Still linking up with Apron Thrift Girl :)

One fatal flaw

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.

Maya Angelou

I am obsessed with keeping my computer clean and orderly. And in the past two weeks, this has come back to bite me in the ass, and not in an ass-scarring kind of way, but an ass-maiming kind of way. I lost an editing job I spent a day working on. Tonight, I lost a page of notes from meetings that cannot be recovered. I just spent the last half-hour going through the recycling bin and putting together the puzzle pieces of the printed copy I'd torn up (the details really don't matter).

I can't keep living this way. I can't keep obsessing about "computer baggage". I need to start holding on to things, not because they're important, but because it puts me in the mindset to hold onto things so that when something actually important comes around, I don't act like a dipshit and throw it away.

Dear self - In an attempt to protect yourself, you've created a world where you leave no trace, where you quietly enter and exit rooms so that no one notices you. And for a time, that was a good skill. It kept you safe, and you did a really good job staying safe in very dangerous and ugly situations. But now, life is different, and you don't need to cover your tracks anymore. You can leave footprints. You can be visible. It's going to take some time, but this is a first step. Buying a jump-drive is probably sufficient, but you might need to purchase an external hard drive. I'm sorry that this lesson has been so painful and stressful. Life lessons often are. But don't beat yourself up over it. You did the best you could. Now, you know better, and you're gonna do better. Much love. - M

Universal health care is for commies.

 

Megan: "I would like to refill a prescription."

Pharmacy: "Oh, that seems like a normal request. Let us take care of that for you."

Insurance Company: "We do not believe that this person requires this prescription."

Pharmacy: "Oh, okay...Hey, Megan, the insurance company won't cover the prescription you've been receiving for the past ten years. They need more information about the status of your need for this prescription."

Megan: "It's for test strips, you know, for my chronic diabetes. I get them all the freakin' time."

Pharmacy: "We'll have to get back to you. In the meantime, try not to die."

Ack! Lent is coming!

I haven't given anything up for Lent in years. My life is already about deprivation. Not a day goes by that I don't willingly live without something I want. The only reason I'm considering going to weekly Lenten prayers at my church is because everyone goes out for bagels afterwards. I'm tired of living through Lent, listening to people detail their wonderful deprivation skills, their ability to go without. Am I being judgmental? Definitely.

I am often judgmental. As long as this depraved habit doesn't affect my life in too negative a way, I usually just forgive myself and move on. Except then I miss out on what Lent offers for me (ah, perhaps individualism could benefit me in some way in this instance). Maybe Lent offers me a reason to spend less time on the computer. Maybe Lent offers me outside time for gardening, or more yoga and less ice cream, or vice versa. I don't know.

A while back there was a significant other in my life, in that he was significant because he'd seen me naked, and an other, because he wasn't a lady from my gym locker room. He was always looking to be more spiritual. He tried and tried to be monk-like without actually being celibate. We listened to monks-chanting-psalms on tape in the car. We lit candles and read the bible. When he was upset, I read to him from my favorite book of sermons.

This all felt like an act, like a play with meaningful lines, but with actors playing parts, not real people living their real lives. It all felt false, and I felt empty. On the surface, for me, it looked like I was making good decisions-I'd chosen a good Christian man, hadn't I? But being in this relationship made it feel like someone stuck a maple tap into my heart, and blood just dripped out day by day. I needed an infusion, and I was lost.

Sometimes spirituality is empty because it's only on the surface. We can't make something happen in our souls. We can try, but there has to be a response from the other side. Even Mother Theresa felt like God didn't speak to her. Being "spiritual" doesn't always mean what we think it means.

Maybe take some time this Lenten season for your spirit, in whatever way feeds your soul. I will continue to contemplate the ritual, as I do every year.

World AIDS Day

 

AIDS is so huge, and hidden, that we often forget how real it still is, that people are still suffering and dying, that whole countries in Africa are essentially being run by an orphaned generation.

Please don't choose to be apathetic and helpless today. Please do something.

As I focus my own advocacy and support towards Mennonite Central Committee, I will point you in that direction. If you already have something in mind, please comment on this post. I would love to hear what you do to honor those who suffer, who have died, who have lost, and who struggle each day to fight against oppression and racism and indifference and ignorance to fight the evil of HIV/AIDS. Please know that the most populated countries in the world are those most at risk for total devastation (e.g. India & China).

Please don't give up on caring. It hurts, and it's difficult, but it also makes you human.

Garbage in, garbage out

 

In yoga tonight, I had thoughts running through my mind throughout the class. That's rare. Usually, I am able to get rid of everything very quickly and focus on how much pain I'm in. Maybe I am feeling stronger, so am therefore able to let my mind wander, but it got me to thinking. How am I getting rid of the negativity in my life? How am I dealing with the garbage that comes in? Am I doing anything?

I am a firm believer that the brain and body carry everything with them. Your brain remembers everything that has happened to you. It is stored in there somewhere, and someday something that you've never remembered before from 3rd grade will pop up suddenly because something in your environment triggered that particular neurotransmitter to fire (or get fired on?).

So that's all well and good when you work at Clouds-R-Us, where everyone is friendly and happy and no one has an unkind word for anyone else, and nothing bad ever happens to anyone. But for the rest of us who have constant good and bad flowing into our lives, I think it's important to stop and think every once in a while, "How much good am I putting into my life? Is there any way that I can replace some of the bad with some good? Is watching Law and Order a good thing or a bad thing for my overall health and well-being?"

Yoga is part of that for me. Yoga gives me a great deal of good and at the same time reminds me to breathe out the bad, and to let go of the things I try so hard to hold on to. Yoga isn't for everyone, but it is a symbol of what each of us needs in our lives-a time and place, set aside, for the purpose of cleansing and renewal.

I hope you find this space for yourself somehow, and if not, I hope you start to look for it.

Costly, long-suffering, hope

After this weekend's horrible events in Northern California, I've really been struggling to hold on to my stringent peace position. I have made my life about the work of peace and justice in the world, and for the first time, I'm wavering. I'm beginning to understand those who call cops "pigs". I'm losing my grip on my own beliefs. When I see indifferent violence being carried out in my own world, to my friends, my brain gets fuzzy.

Please recognize that I know that there is horrific violence in the world every day. I know that in my being; I have known it my whole life. And short of banging on soft surfaces with my fists and screaming alone in an empty room, I am not a violent person. I don't believe in violence. I think it's silly, that we as a species would resort to harming one another to solve our problems. I actually don't understand it. I resist it in my very soul. But something changed inside of me when I saw that video on Saturday morning. Perhaps the door in my heart, that I'd shut long ago, had been opened, and I began to see that violence is not just something I hate, but something that is real.

This is not a naive experience for me. I was not born into my beliefs; I have had to earn them. And they have come at a very high price. Violence is real to me, but perhaps I've been looking at it with compassion all this time. I try desperately to understand the aggressor in every situation, to feel compassion for them, to find empathy for the pain that they must experience as a perpetrator, and then later as a survivor of that perpetration. But to see the indifference with which that cop calmly shook that can...my soul cannot contain it.

I wish that I could give you some kind of resolution to this issue (I myself have found a little here and here). I wish I could give you all the hope you need for your own life. That is my life's work. But today, I will fail you. I'm so very sorry.

A friend to all...

So now that I'm all into yoga, it seems appropriate to mention something else that I do that is oftentimes mentioned as a friend to the yogi, but is actually a friend to all: The Neti Pot.

Now I may indeed have majorly constricted sinuses, thus making me love nasal irrigation more than most, but let's all remember that snot happens to the best of us, and the clearer your head, well, the clearer your thinking, dreaming, creating, etc. I'm just happier in general when my sinuses are clear, which they're not from October to May, no matter how much I squirt water through them.

In case you don't have a Neti Pot, and don't want to go to the trouble of getting one, get a water bottle of some kind and watch this video; it should help you get started. If you want to go crazy and watch all the other stuff that's out there on YouTube, go for it. But for me, honestly, it's hard enough to do it myself, let alone watch other people do it.

So take a moment, this holiday season, to clear your sinuses with the power of salt and water. Someday, y'all will be old like me and we can dish about our physical ailments, but until then, I will enjoy reminding you all of your own mortality [wink].

Change for the better

 

Read this first. If you have time, after that, you can come back to me.

So I live in one of the most impoverished areas in the US. We actually have shantytowns. Yeah, they're small, and don't compare to any third world nation, but they're there, and they're real.

But add that to the startling heat of summer and unbelievably depressing fog of winter (the only two seasons we have some years), and the area doesn't appeal to the mainstream citizen (mostly the undocumented, if you really want to know). And why is this? Because we're lame? No! Because we began as a haven for sharecroppers and gypsies? Why yes! And it continues today (If you need background, just read Steinbeck's East of Eden).

So here we sit, a hole of depression and poverty; a big hole that sucks up all the smog from everywhere else. Yup. It sucks. So what are we going to do about it? Can we bomb all the prisons we house? Nope. Can we make everyone ride a bicycle everywhere? Too late for that (blame it on suburban sprawl). Can we make people happier? Probably not.

But we can do something: We can stay. We can commit. We can say "no" when we're pressured, both internally and externally, to flee the hell we grew up in. We can deny our human need for beauty elsewhere, dig our feet in, and fight for beauty here. We can choose to not ride the coattails of others and benefit from the creativity and vision of those who inspire us, and choose to be leaders here, in our own communities. We can choose the thing that has been thrown away by so many before us, that has been trashed by the media from coast to coast. Yeah, we're the Appalachia of the West. Do we succumb to that title, or do we defy it? Do we, as the educated thinkers and dreamers of our communities, leave behind the people and culture that have shaped us and made us who we are; or do we commit to returning the favor and reinvesting in our cities and towns who need people like us, people who care, in order to change for the better?

I choose to stay.

Ayn Rand and Thrift

 

I just watched an interview with Ayn Rand, and I feel so depressed. There's no hope in Rand. There is only the end of oneself. There is no continuation beyond one's own life. I searched high and low for a quote to summarize the interview, but couldn't find it. To see her speak was a unique experience. To take anything she says out of context is to misunderstand her true intent.

Thrift is about the integration of everyone else in the world into one's own life. I have to spend energy, time, money. I have to wash, repair, upcycle. All of these things I can do by myself, but they require that I release my sense of control. I will never be able to find exactly what I want, in perfect condition. I must let go of my expectation that my desires are utmost in my mind. I begin to think of other people. Why does thrift exist? For the poor (Catholic Charities). For the needy (Thrift Stores for Military Veterans). For the jobless (Goodwill). For the addict (Salvation Army). The list goes on and on. One cannot keep from helping people in the thrift world. And the thrift world is, at its essence, in the business of helping.

There's nothing wrong with Rand; she isn't evil. She is looking for a way to happiness, and a purpose in life, and she happened to be brilliant and articulate and prolific at the same time. And she made a lot of people think. She made me think today.

But she still makes me sad.

Just pick something.

 Extreme hopes are born of extreme misery.

Bertrand Russell

In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man.

Friedrich Nietzsche

I am a stubborn fool, and believe in things that will never be. But I am also a wise fool, because I believe in the impossible, and maybe, just maybe, hope things into being. I've been told that I would die without hope, because I said I didn't have any. But to live without hope is no life at all. To live without believing, even somewhere deep inside your own unconscious mind, that something better is possible, is to be dead.

Every person alive has some form of drive to live, and I call that hope, I guess, whether or not it really fits (If I tweak the definition a bit, I can claim that I have some and no one will worry about me). Depression can be the realization that there is no reason to hope, and no thing to hope for. So every day, I wake up, and I find something that keeps me going. Sometimes, it's completely delusional. Actually, it's usually delusional; that's why it sticks around. It's the rational hopes that don't last long-they are quickly swept into the "not possible" pile and filed away in the garage.

I believe in the impossible. It has gotten me through decades of life-not-always-worth-living. And to give it up, and hope in a God I cannot see or touch or feel, who may or may not ever return-that seems more delusional than thinking you can time travel to win the lottery, don't you think?

We are never alone

"Jiddu Krishnamurti, one of the most revered spiritual teachers of [the 20th] century, once asked a small group of listeners what they would say to a close friend who is about to die. Their answers dealt with assurances, words about beginning and endings, and various gestures of compassion. Krishnamurti stopped them short. 'There is only one thing you can say to give the deepest comfort,' he said. 'Tell him that in his death a part of you dies and goes with him. Wherever he goes, you go also. He will not be alone.'"

Larry Dossey (The Sun,  Feb. 2006)

I love you...goodbye

There was a time in my life when I had to give up every vice. I think I tried to give things up for God, like God cared about my love for chocolate/peanut butter ice cream. For Lent one year, I gave up ten things. It was ridiculous. I think I tried to fast too (as in not eating for days). I was trying to purge my life of everything I thought God wanted me to get rid of. It was very monkish of me. I've joked for a long time about becoming a nun. It's probably because I've struggled for a long time thinking that I am a terrible person (I'm completely over that now).

Well, those attempts failed. My love for chocolate/peanut butter ice cream hasn't gone anywhere, and I'm not troubled by it. I have, however, gone to the grocery store three times this week looking for my SO Delicious and it's been all gone-every freakin time! But I digress...

The point is, sometimes the things we think are vices are really less important than the negative thoughts we think about ourselves and other people, and the negative influences we allow into our lives. Sometimes these influences are people. Sometimes, as painful as it is (and believe me, I've lived the unbelievable pain), it's the only way to move forward. Maybe someday you can return, but you have to grow and change on your own before you can return to those who you've worked with to become the broken person you are today.

I highly recommend Laura Davis's book I Thought We'd Never Speak Again. I have a wonderful ex-library copy by my bed that I read when I'm feeling particularly blue. It gives me hope that loss can be a good thing, and that I am currently becoming the person I want to be, and maybe, just maybe, someday things will be different.

You keep on asking "why?"

Sometimes it looks like a relationship is over because it has changed so drastically. Sometimes death is necessary for rebirth (I'm speaking metaphorically, of course). Sometimes our understanding is so limited that we cannot see what is real; we can only see what our own eyes and hearts see.

When in doubt, when everything looks topsy-turvy and you don't understand, know this:

1. You are loved
2. You are flawed
3. You have been terribly wounded
4. You have wounded terribly
5. You can never understand everything
6. What is best is to understand yourself
7. Love, love, love
8. Show compassion, limitless compassion (see #1-5)

Never lose hope that redemption is possible, that life is found after death (again, metaphor), and that you are adored by the Creator. Stop looking for limited love when limitless love is available. Forgive yourself for being flawed, because everybody is; it's part of being human-you can't escape it.

Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your best friend. Don't be cruel to the only person who will always be with you (i.e. you).

Forgive, but know what that means before you try to do it. It is not a word, or a feeling. It is knowledge, and choice.

We've been downgraded

So, we've decided to leave some things behind in Iraq. You know, the usual stuff that's difficult to ship via the US Postal Service: guns, tanks, port-a-potties. This seems like a good idea to me, giving to those in need and all. Although, I do hate guns (hate them) and don't think it's any good to just pass them along to someone else. But Iraq is going to maintain a military, no? So it suffices to think that they might be aided by our leaving some essential supplies behind. Or maybe we don't want to bring the mess home, and we're trying to leave it behind for someone else to clean up. That would be a horrible idea. Don't make your problem someone else's problem.

Like I tell the kids when they're "so bored" and start following me around with puppy dog eyes. "Don't make your problem my problem. Don't pout in my face." Come to me for help, or go spend some time thinking about different ways to solve the problem. Don't dump it on my doorstep (Wow, so harsh).

Yeah, leaving things behind is often a difficult task, especially if you plan to do it well. We all have to move on at some point in our lives; change comes and we have to embrace it. I am in the midst of some pretty darn humongous changes right now in my life, and I'm not embracing them, no sirree. I am digging my heels in, hanging on to the past. I know what's coming after graduation and it is not pretty. After the excitement wanes quickly, the depression and unemployment will set in; the loan officers will start calling, and I will still have the rest of my life to be single and help other people with their marriages (Oh, haven't I told you? I'm planning on being single for the rest of my freakin life, or until I turn sixty, whichever comes first.). Yippee!

These are dark days my friend, dark days. I wish someone would leave a tank in my backyard. Not really, since I wouldn't know what to do with it, but all the same, it sure would make me feel powerful for a whole five seconds.