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Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I can't think of a title.

Shimano shoes - simple style, but very useable :)

I went to the city this weekend with my bff, saw Lori McKenna (ah, bliss), and had a silly time being away from home and getting back on solid ground.

Last week was really hard. I was faced with my professional inadequacies, and that was painful and difficult to work through. Somehow I thought graduating would make me more of a pro, and less like swiss cheese, but ah, 'tis not to be.

Have you ever told yourself (or someone else), "Yeah, I've dealt with that" or "That's not an issue for me anymore"? Well that was what I thought about my own struggles. I probably never realized that I was believing that I was whole and healed (and perfect), but my actions spoke otherwise. I've been behaving like someone who looks the part, but doesn't have all the skills yet. Yeah, teenagers can have sex, but should they? It's like that. So now that my humility has been sufficiently restored, I can go back to the business of helping people with my ego somewhat wounded, but my general safety improved.

I saw Ghandi yesterday, and now I'm reminded how he beat his wife, and how being human means being imperfect, and learning and growing and changing, becoming better, stronger, and wiser (hopefully).

Peace out :)

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I am bad at being patient.

After waiting two years to find these in my size, when they arrived, all I could think was, "Meh"

So I moved into my new office today, and found that in spite of my saying that "yes, that's okay with me", it did not feel okay to have someone else's things in the office. The previous occupant needs a little bit of grace to move her things out. And in that moment (which extended into a school-day long of feeling crappy and anxious), I realized, "Hey Megan, you're not as patient as you thought you were." Shit. I was afraid of that.

I have waited for a lot of things in my life, and for some of them, I am still waiting. Scratch that. I've been waiting for a lot of things for my whole life. I thought that this waiting was making me a patient person, but in fact, it isn't. I've become angry about the waiting. I'm angry with God for the hand I was dealt. I'm angry at God for not plucking me out of my own life, and giving me a similar, but easier, alternate reality. Instead of being an adult about the whole thing, I've allowed my three-year-old self to run the show, and she's constantly asking, "Are we there yet?" And I don't know what to tell her. "No, we're not there yet. I don't know when we're going to be there, or if we'll ever get there, or if I even know where it is we're supposedly going." Is that what I say?

Whatever I end up saying, I want it to be something that helps me to be more patient, that points me in the right direction, instead of where I am at the moment, the decidedly wrong direction. Somehow, I need to learn to be patient for the things I want. But it's so hard. I want it now!

Also, I'm terrible with change, so that might not be helping the situation. Prescription? More cowbell!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Poor and marginal


The test of courage comes when we are in the minority.  The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
 ~Ralph W. Sockman

I was really surprised by some of the comments I got about my landlording posts last week. I admit, I was not very organized in my thinking, and that may have made me come across as judgmental, and I don't like that. I want to affirm that people make mistakes and are not perfect. We are all human, and we all see things a bit askew from how they actually are (perhaps how God sees them). And our skewed views are okay to have. I think the problem comes when we aren't willing to extend a little grace to ourselves and perhaps admit that we might be wrong.

I think it's more important to be flawed and fallible than it is to know everything. I think it's more important to admit being wrong, and maybe not knowing everything, than it is to hold to one's convictions so as to never admit defeat or vulnerability.

I was raised with material possessions. If I made the choice, even today, I could go back to that life. I am poor because I choose to be. And of course, that has become more difficult than I expected it to be, but it's also better than I ever expected it could be. I left a life of plenty, because there was no love, no real unconditional love, and if I have to be poor and marginal for the rest of my life in order to be loved for who I really am, then I will work my darndest to be okay with that.

Peace out mofos :)

Saturday, June 16, 2012

I love it when I'm wrong.

Vintage Van Eli Shoes - Aren't they fun?

On the walk home this afternoon, in 102 degree heat, I saw a bird struggling in the gutter. I spent a few minutes trying to figure out how to help the poor thing, then noticed that his tail was broken. I always hear that the worst thing a person can do is touch a wild bird, so I used some nearby brush to help the bird into the shade, hoping perhaps that a few degrees might help the bird to suffer less. The bird wasn't having it. He wanted to stay in the gutter.

A young man was watching me, and pulled out a headphone to talk to me. I said, "He's gonna die. I just wanted to help him die in the shade." This man understood - he showed me empathy! He looked like a gangsta (a completely normal look in my neighborhood), and my gut reaction was that this guy was not going to understand my need to save the bird. But he did! He really did, and now I'm reminded of how much goodness is in the world, and how a lot of the bad-ness is caused by our assumptions and false beliefs.

I wonder what the world would look like if we all believed that everyone was a friend. Is that what Jesus meant when he said, "Love your neighbor as yourself", that we always assume the best in others?

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Little productivity :(

Handmade Wedding Gift - 65 Years in Storage :)

So yesterday wasn't as productive as I would have liked. I got stuck in my brain, and wherever I was, it wasn't conducive to a productive day. I haven't come close to my $1000 goal to pay for the car debacle, and when I spoke to the shop this morning, they said it was taking longer than they'd predicted. Does that mean that they will charge me more? Only time will tell.

This morning will be my second car-borrowing in 24 hours. It's really difficult for me to ask for help, even when I am asking people who I trust. I guess what goes through my mind is, "I don't want to annoy this person." I really hate the idea that I annoy anyone. I don't know if I need to get over that. It may not be doing me any favors.

Gotta run. Talk soon.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

It's all about the afterlife.

Isn't this SO cute?

They always throw around this term "the liberal elite." And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A challenging task


I am not feeling so great about myself right now. I feel like people are judging me for having a masters degree and not having a solid plan for my life. And these aren't imaginary people - these are people I love! So I'm sitting here trying to convince myself that somehow it's more important to be myself than it is to be who other people expect me to be, even when those people are the people I love most in the world. That's a challenging task.

In school, I had a teacher who scared me, and no matter how much time I spent with this person, I never felt truly accepted. I felt small, and insignificant; not enough. As time went by, I realized that even though I respected this person more than I respected myself, I had to let go of the need to be accepted by them. In order to maintain my own sanity, I had to throw away the idea that my identity somehow hinged on their perception of me, even though that perception was super important to how I saw myself as a person and professional.

So now to be faced with that same dilemma in any form is only a stiff reminder of how important it is to love myself first. I will crumble if I allow an imagined perception of someone else's judgement to determine who I am, even though my faith tells me that other people are more important than me.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Oh happy day!


I just got home from my graduation "gala" where I froze my freakin' butt off. Sometimes the event is burning hot, but tonight it was so cold. I put my hair up. I don't know what it looked like from behind, but it looked awesome from the front. I finally bought some super glue and fixed my pearls so I could wear them.

My mom wouldn't stop saying how "fucking proud" of me she is. My dad kept beaming with misty eyes. It was pretty great. Tonight has reminded me that I have made a life for myself in the last five years, a whole meaningful life with people who love me warts and all. When we got into the car and managed to stop our teeth from chattering, I told them how glad I am to have them with me, because when we're together, I make sense.

Dear L & J, Thanks for loving me. I couldn't have done it without you. I love you both so much.-M

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Anne Shirley on love


“For a moment Anne's heart fluttered queerly and for the first time her eyes faltered under Gilbert's gaze and a rosy flush stained the paleness of her face. It was as if a veil that had hung before her inner consciousness had been lifted, giving to her view a revelation of unsuspected feelings and realities. Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps...perhaps...love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath. ”

L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

Saturday, December 10, 2011

A life of thrift


"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."
Matthew 5:4-5 (The Message)

Thrift means never having everything you want, all at the same time. Thrift means sacrificing what you want for the greater good. Thrift means being content with who you are, no more, no less.
 
Living a life of thrift means not selling your soul, the invaluable, intangible part of you.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Put the gun down.


So I'm watching Law & Order, Season 1; good stuff. Less technology, but the same general script. Anyhow, in this episode, two cops are chasing a suspect. One goes into the vacant building making a racket. The other positions himself at the fire escape, and sticks his gun into his pants. Then he looks around, sees some trash cans, and picks up a metal lid (old school trash can). The kid comes flying down the fire escape, gun in hand. The cop waits, then sticks the lid out just as the kid runs by-breaks the kid's nose. Awesome (i.e. the conscious choice not to kill).

I am a pacifist, to the core. I abhor violence. I'm even having to watch myself lately so I don't let my own feelings about violence cloud my relationships in my work. It's important that we allow others to make up their own minds about things, and not assume that we should bring them over to our side of any debate. Right now, I'm dealing with the issue of horror films. It's tough to stay quiet about my own opinion, but after I began doing it, I was better able to hear what the person was saying. Instead of spending my time trying to figure out how to convince them that they should never watch a horror movie ever again, I was spending my time hearing them, a much better option.

Anyhow, the kid's nose was broken, and I'm excited? Yup. Anytime I see someone with a more lethal option at their disposal, put it away and reach for something less lethal, I applaud. Violence will never go away. Human beings will always be stupid and try to hurt each other in any way they can; this is part of being human-we mess up. But we infinitely compound that stupidity when we purchase guns. More people get hurt, instead of fewer. More people live in fear, instead of fewer. Yes, the alternative might be strange (e.g. trash can lid), but it should always be first in our minds, rather than a grievous afterthought.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

You keep on asking "why?"


Sometimes it looks like a relationship is over because it has changed so drastically. Sometimes death is necessary for rebirth (I'm speaking metaphorically, of course). Sometimes our understanding is so limited that we cannot see what is real; we can only see what our own eyes and hearts see.

When in doubt, when everything looks topsy-turvy and you don't understand, know this:

1. You are loved
2. You are flawed
3. You have been terribly wounded
4. You have wounded terribly
5. You can never understand everything
6. What is best is to understand yourself
7. Love, love, love
8. Show compassion, limitless compassion (see #1-5)

Never lose hope that redemption is possible, that life is found after death (again, metaphor), and that you are adored by the Creator. Stop looking for limited love when limitless love is available. Forgive yourself for being flawed, because everybody is; it's part of being human-you can't escape it.

Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your best friend. Don't be cruel to the only person who will always be with you (i.e. you).

Forgive, but know what that means before you try to do it. It is not a word, or a feeling. It is knowledge, and choice.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Thrift Inspiration

Bad dreams. Fleas. Paperwork. Work, work. More paperwork. School work. More bad dreams. More fleas.

But then I rescue something absolutely beautiful, and I am inspired to continue.

Also, I got a good night's sleep.



Sunday, September 25, 2011

This is not food porn


So, Sexual Addictions. I know that I would dish, and I will, in part, but mostly I want to comment on the nature of the issue itself. The class was fine. I was of course offended by the usual injustices of lack of egalitarian language, and a sole focus on married people and all of their problems. Because who wants to even talk about single people and all of their problems ad nauseum? We all know that once you get a single person talking about themselves, it could go on forever, right? They're so darn selfish.

If I get too offended about these issues, I won't get much done. I'll become a tape that just plays the same sides back and forth, over and again. And of course, I can't start talking about the gays and all of their deviant homosexual problems either. So I will just stick to the real stuff. Get married in that normal hetero way. Attach fully to your spouse. Be honest; get therapy; don't look at porn; repeat.

Okay, so apart from all of my sarcasm, sexual addiction is real (and it's more than pornography), and the neurological factors involved are also real. The brain is deeply affected by visual sexualized stimuli, and pornography has become so accessible, affordable, and anonymous, that now pornography is reaching populations it may not have reached before. A lot of people struggle with sexual addiction. They feel controlled by it just like any addiction, and it's a hidden thing, a secret. Sex is always around us, but shame keeps us from always engaging in relationship in healthy ways. When we do something that we don't want anyone else to see, the shame sweeps us into a terrible cycle of secrets and hiding and unreality.

This is where I come in. If there's a huge percentage of men and women out there dealing with this, how can we allow it to remain a hidden, shameful issue? It's normal is what it is. Sex is normal. Arousal is normal. Attraction is normal. Our bodies do it without our permission. What fucks everything up is our belief that sex is dirty, that our humanness is dirty.

You are not dirty! There is nothing wrong with you! Say what you want. Say who you are.

There is no shame in being you. Start there. Accept yourself as you are, and when you feel completely okay with that, you can look into the parts of your life that aren't working so well, that are hurting your relationships, and hurting you. But don't start by hating yourself. That will never work.

Monday, September 19, 2011

I cannot let you die.


My parents' dog died. She was old. It was time.

More than sadness, I feel relief. She suffered for far too long, and now she is happily frolicking in a better place, wherever that may be. And wherever that is, I'd prefer it to wherever I will be when my time comes, because all the dogs will be there, and I do love dogs.

Sometimes we live to avoid death because it is so scary. We ignore it. We ignore our diabetes even when we only have one leg. We ignore our discontentment, even when happiness is only a decision away. We pretend that bad isn't bad, because we think that if we looked at the bad, really looked it in the eyes, we'd die from the shock of it.

In one way or another, we all avoid bad things. We ignore phone calls from people we don't want to talk to. We put on a smile because we don't want anyone to ask us what is wrong. We stay in relationships with people that hurt us, because the alternative is so much worse.

Or is it? Is facing the bad the worst thing? Will it really kill us? Is the fear of death an accurate fear? Or a lie?

[Here is the part where I hesitate to tell the truth, hesitate to say what is real. Because the truth is scary to admit. When I tell the absolute truth, I leave no room for backpedaling.]

The fear of death is folly. Death has already been vanquished. Messiah Jesus has already come and defeated it, and we live in a new reality. We live in this world knowing that death has no power over us. Death has no power but that fear we allow to clench our hearts.

So I don't know what heaven holds, or if there is a heaven at all for me to see. But I do know this: God is unending in love: unconditional, extravagant love. And all that stands between us and that love, is fear.

Monday, September 12, 2011

2. Rhodesian Memoirs

How I got hooked on Rhodesian memoirs:

1. Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight: I could never stop looking at the author's photo on the back of the book. She's looking out in the distance and her hair is blowing in the wind, and she looks so African.

Until I read this book, I never really understood that White Africans were a significant part of African society and culture (I know; I recently figured out what apartheid means too). Blame it on my conservative background, or on my American education. I just say, there's only so much room in a mind;  and African history isn't exactly a NCLB priority.

So Fuller, the author, is Rhodesian, and the book is about her childhood and growing up in Rhodesia. Her unstable mother serves as the perfect background for Rhodesia itself, with an uncertain path and an uncertain future. Growing up in the midst of a racially-charged civil war is enough to form a person for life, and the book follows Fuller as she navigates her challenging familial relationships and her challenge to live as a white African in a country that now does not exist. The Rhodesian civil war made orphans out of all Rhodesians, and that's why I love reading their books, I think.

2. Out of the Dark: Caine is another woman writer who grew up in Rhodesia. Both she and Fuller lived in Zambia if I recall correctly. They at least both had significant moves in their childhoods, usually because of the war. Caine also has an unstable mother, and an even more unstable childhood. Her life is shaped by her Rhodesian past, and by her gaps in memory from that time.

This can be a difficult read, especially for survivors of childhood abuse, so I recommend it cautiously. Reading this book made me begin to develop an understanding of what Rhodesia was like, and what it means to be Rhodesian, and got me hooked on finding more memoirs. The picture in my head when I think of Linda is her horse, who she loved. I think that would make her smile to hear that.

3. Casting with a Fragile Thread: What does it mean to love a place with your whole heart? This book is by another woman, with another drunk mother, and another broken family. But Wendy Kann's story is more than the sum of her trials. It's about how one can be Rhodesian without Rhodesia, how it feels to be always alone in a world with few others who can even comprehend what your childhood was like, and what it means to be you, all in the midst of terrible loss.

4. When a Crocodile Eats the Sun: Godwin has another book, which is probably a better fit for this list. This book is more about Zimbabwe than it is about Rhodesia, but it's interesting to see how Godwin responds to Zimbabwe, having grown up Rhodesian. His commitment to his parents comes together with his uncertainty about this new country's identity and future, and one begins to wonder when reading about the day-to-day existence of a Zimbabwean, how this is better than what they fought to throw away.

5. Rainbow's End: This is probably the freshest in my mind because I read it most recently, even though that isn't even that recent (maybe last summer, or two summers ago?). St. John, the author, tries to live a normal childhood within a very chaotic and dangerous situation. Her father runs a farm during a time when all farms were under almost constant attack, because most if all the farmers were white and landowners. St. John is also able to paint a picture of how the farmers responded to the violence, and how they survived.

The mere mention of Rhodesia makes me smile. If you have any book suggestions, send them my way. I had a fleeting thought last night that perhaps a year from today, I will be reading piles of books in my free time. It was a very, very nice thought. Maybe a hammock could be involved, or a porch swing; a dog by my side, or some other warm-blooded creature would also be nice.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Discounted NON-local produce


Me at the store, last Saturday morning: "Blueberries? Yes please...Oh no; they're from Canada. Sad face. No thanks...[Two aisles later] Blueberries from Canada on the half-off shelf? Yes please! (zero guilt)"

Local is great. Organic is great. Organic from Canada, or local with pesticides? I have gone through this produce department dilemma many times, hungry, tired, and frustrated. And I'm not alone-there are others. A friend told me the other day that she's stopped caring about food ethics. How can a person care about absolutely everything that comes under this label, and do all of the wonderful things we were made to do, like watch Bachelor Pad and any reality show with the word Kardashian?

So what do people do? People who are imperfect and don't love kale (obviously not me, dear sister; I love my greens). They need to know that just because they don't have a vegetable garden, they aren't going to hell. They need to know that if they eat cheese, Jesus won't cry. They need to know that if they don't ride thirty miles to work on a commuter bike, angels won't lose their wings.

Vegan righteousness is off the charts. That's why I have no vegan friends (Note: If you are my friend, and also happen to be vegan, know that I say this because that is not who you are to me). Because when I'm invited over for dinner, and there happens to be feta on the all-squash casserole, I'm still going to eat it. And if the host wasn't terribly kind and thoughtful and put tofu in the dip instead of yogurt, I'd still eat it. Because people, every single time, are more important than your pious food choices. They're your choices, after all. Own them.

Monday, August 29, 2011

"...you sure look fine..."


I am not cooler because I wear thrifted clothes. I am not better than you because I shop at discarded food grocery stores. I am not better because of my car's mpg or lack of air conditioning. I am not better than you.

I hate it that my friends occasionally keep information about themselves from me because they're afraid that in my thrifty piety, I will judge them harshly. I hate that I put off a vibe that suggests that that is even ever a possibility. That is never my intention, and I welcome any dissenting arguments.


I realized a while ago that my life is my life, and your life is your life. God loves us equally, extends grace to us equally, and we each bear an equally heavy burden. Whether or not this is true is irrelevant to me. Of course, some people's lives are more difficult. Of course there is an inordinate amount of suffering in the world. But life is not a zero-sum game. My happiness does not take away your happiness. My grief does not decrease your grief. And my belief and self-talk which says, "I have it so good. What about all the starving children in Africa?" only increases my self-centeredness and decreases any work I may be doing on feeding the hungry and clothing the naked.

Do I think you should thrift? Absolutely. Do I think you're a terrible person because you don't? Nope. Because for all of my good qualities, I have an equal or greater number of flaws, idiosyncrasies and unloveable traits. I welcome you to this way of being, this openness of soul. Because yes, I am pretty awesome, but I also watch The Bachelor, have terribly messy relationships, and think about myself more often than I think about anyone else.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Where ya gonna go?


It is ridiculously difficult to sit with a person who is grieving. It is ridiculously difficult to be a person who is grieving, for that matter. It may be easy at the beginning when the grief is fresh, and you as an onlooker are also fresh. But when the initial public fervor ends and all the out-of-town visitors move off the couch, reality sets in and it's difficult to be one of the friends who sticks around for the long haul. Grief is ugly, messy, and confusing, and it's easier to ignore than to deal with.

The reasons that we avoid grief are genuine and realistic. Grief is detrimental to our routines. Nothing else matters, even eating, when your child dies. How can a person work when they can't get out of bed? How can they feed the cat, pay the bills, make sure the kids make it to school in the morning? When we avoid grief, we avoid the complications that it brings to our lives.

I don't want to stick around. I don't want to see my friends in pain, not knowing when it will end. Yet at the same time, I am hurting too; I need hugs too. Maybe I need them for different reasons, but the sentiment is the same. We can help eachother in our pain, even if each person's pain is different. I may be in pain because I'm having huge life changes and feeling alone. You may be in pain because your brother died. But we can hug one another. We can eat together. We can sit and pet the cat together.

So recognize that grief is a part of life, an ugly, awful part of life, and be the friend that you yourself want to have. Look them in the eye. Recognize that your mere presence is evidence of grace. Repeat often.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

When the dam breaks...

'
When grief comes, and comes, and comes, there is always thrift to help build me up again. I was just starting to feel better this evening when I opened my email and received some terrible news. I don't know how much sadness I have left in me. At some point, I will address the ramifications of this news, the grief it triggers in me, and the reminder of other great losses, but today, I'm empty.

Yesterday, I went to a bag sale, but didn't buy a bag. I've noticed that at bag sales, I end up getting things that I don't need and then re-donating them, so the system just doesn't work for me. I spent less than the bag would have cost and I got everything I really wanted, so that was a lesson. I found a book by a quadriplegic named John Callahan, who wrote an essay, about a monkey, which I loved (the essay, not the monkey) and sent to a quad I know, so when I saw his book, even though it was in bad shape, I bought it.

My belongings are not all organized in my new place. Many things are still outside of my front door, not because I'm lazy, but because I need a walkway through my apartment. I have more books than a person should have, but I need each of them (shall we all recall the awkward sex book discussion of a week ago?).

Today, I was able to find some organizational items and some bowls to call my own at the local hospice thrift store. My "kitchen" is coming together and my toaster oven is quite the little cooker. I think I may be okay in my little garage apartment after all. Not having a kitchen sink is weird, but not terrible.

I have so many things going on that I may very well explode, but for some reason, in this moment, I am calm. Maybe that's grace.