Black-and-White Thinking

I have not been able to find information on the artist :(

Last summer, almost a year ago, I decided that I had enough oomph in me to tell an ex that I'd been in love with him for a very long time. I'd never told him because it seemed so silly. As time had passed, from teens to twenties, it became more crazy a thought. Then suddenly, one Saturday afternoon in July, I had a chance, and I took it.

Boy did I ever take it. When I got him in front of me, I dumped a decade of thinking on him in a single evening. All of the things I never thought I could say, I said. Suddenly, I had no shame. Those years were behind me; there was no future between us. I figured I would live in the moment and do the thing I thought I'd never be able to do. Except he didn't leave. He stayed and listened. He was kind. And that's where everything went wrong. He told me we could be friends. I told him I could never be his friend - that was the whole point - and then the next day wanted a response. I poured my heart out! I wanted a response! We disagreed vehemently, and that was it. We didn't speak again.

It took me a year (I had to finish graduate school, after all) before I realized what I'd done, that I'd thrown away a relationship just because it didn't fit the mold I wanted it to. I wasn't mad at myself. I understood why I'd done it. I was scared, so very scared, and it was the bravest thing I'd ever done. But the year between then and now was a huge year of emotional growth for me, and suddenly I had more oomph left in me. I called him a couple weeks ago and said I was ready to be friends.

So now I'm trying, in spite of my emotional limitations, to be a friend to someone who I didn't think I could ever feel friendly towards. But somehow my capacity for patience has increased dramatically, and I'm recognizing that relationships can be tricky suckers, and that my black-and-white thinking has kept me from being with people I love. So it's worth the not-knowing. It's worth the gray areas, I think, not because it's easy for me. It's never easy. But I wanted something so much, I think I was willing to let go of my stubbornness. I want to be a person who has good with people, who doesn't have broken relationships all over the place. So, as it often does, this means that I have to let go of unrealistic expectations and go with the flow a little more.

Phew. Life is hard work, folks.

Friday morning rant :)

I'm really struck lately by the number of people in the church-at-large, who find complete satisfaction in an individualistic faith that focuses on sin and personal development. Now, don't get me wrong, I am the queen of personal development. Personal development is great! Go get yourself a therapist! But please don't let that be the end. Personal development is for the world, for the needy and the broken. We work towards healing for ourselves so we can pass it on to others.

I'm so tired, just bone-drained tired, of this endless religious craziness in the US. I'm tired of people yelling about "traditional values". The Western church is now completely about my personal relationship with Jesus - my best friend, and how my life was changed, and how great I feel about myself. It's all about what my neighbor is doing wrong, how my neighbor is sinning, or causing me to sin, all about how frightened I am of where my country is going. I just want to scream, "Get a freakin' grip, people!"

I might be single forever (lest you forget that this blog is all about me finding a man), because I'm not willing to put "Jesus is my homeboy" on my eHarmony page. I might be single forever, but I'm not willing to live a life of family devotions and being a submissive invisible wife. I may be single forever, but I'm not going to buy into the idea that women should cover themselves up to keep men from sinning. It's 110 degrees out? Yup, I'm gonna wear shorts. Deal with it. You had a sexual thought about a person other than your spouse? Deal with it, and move on. I want everyone to collectively throw in the "personal sin elimination" card and just accept the fact that they're flawed and are going to do and say and think stupid things. Yup, you are. You're human. Deal with it. You think God agonizes about forgiving you? It's doubtful. There are, after all, seven billion people in the world, and they all need four hugs a day, so...you do the math.

Now go out there and do something that helps people, that doesn't involve a sign. Peace out.

I have to be perfect--I have to.

As my future perfect self, I will wear awesome vests like this one.

I am experiencing a new kind of anxiety: the anxiety of being responsible for another living being, and not living in a vacuum.

Pretty much constantly, for the past few days, I have been worrying about how my decision to get a dog affects other people. How long will she bark after I leave? Will my neighbors hear her? How long will my supervisor be upset for my bringing her to a meeting? Will my landlords be upset?

It's an awful feeling. I can't wait until it ends. Of course it will only end when everyone loves me and I stop making mistakes. I will only be truly happy when I become perfect.

Sexual Zeitgeist

When a prostitute can comment on the sexual zeitgeist of an age, you know you have to listen. And since I've read this editorial/commentary/opinion piece, I've thought to myself, "I wonder if it was always thus? Have sex workers always had their fingers on the pulse of the sexual heartbeat of the nation and/or culture?" I think this might be entirely possible.

I feel lonely sometimes, though I am rarely lonely in its truest sense. I am not hungry for human affection, or love. I'm not even hungry for canine love or affection. But there is something deep inside of me that longs for touch that can only truly come in the form of a significant other, a romantic partner, not because sex is the be-all, end-all, but because that's what it's there for. It exists as an outlet for true and honest intimacy. We pervert it all the time, but at its essence, that's what it is.

So I strive towards that end. I search to express my sexuality in ways that are honest, and true to who I am as a person. I try to be honest with my words, with my tone, my body language, and my physical appearance. I may fail in any and all ways at one or more times, but I keep trying. I want connection, but I only want honest connection from someone that wants to connect with me. I don't want false intimacy. I've had enough of that for a lifetime.

Thank you Sugar :)

I'm having a difficult moment; it will pass. I have difficult moments sometimes, and they always pass eventually. I made someone sad today on accident, and I got a new job, and I got hit on a lot. It was a busy day.

I talk a lot on my blog about wanting things: the nature of want, the appropriateness of want, etc. And in my mind, I keep coming back to it. I want things that I cannot have. I do not have things that I want. I tell myself, "God will give you everything you need", but that doesn't seem like a very long list. The list gets adjusted all the time. One minute I think I have something because I need it, and then it gets taken away, and I think, "Well, guess I didn't need that after all." I don't want to be the kind of naive person that thanks God for things that God couldn't possibly be concerned with, like my gas tank, but sometimes I wish I were. Today I ran out of gas at the gas station-way better than the freeway during a flash flood, let me tell you.

I wish I could live in the same city as all the people I love. I wish I could see my loved ones more often. I wish that some of my loved ones were healthy enough to have frank and honest conversations with, but that just isn't possible. I want things. I want.

"Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room."

-Dear Sugar (full letter here)

I love you...goodbye

There was a time in my life when I had to give up every vice. I think I tried to give things up for God, like God cared about my love for chocolate/peanut butter ice cream. For Lent one year, I gave up ten things. It was ridiculous. I think I tried to fast too (as in not eating for days). I was trying to purge my life of everything I thought God wanted me to get rid of. It was very monkish of me. I've joked for a long time about becoming a nun. It's probably because I've struggled for a long time thinking that I am a terrible person (I'm completely over that now).

Well, those attempts failed. My love for chocolate/peanut butter ice cream hasn't gone anywhere, and I'm not troubled by it. I have, however, gone to the grocery store three times this week looking for my SO Delicious and it's been all gone-every freakin time! But I digress...

The point is, sometimes the things we think are vices are really less important than the negative thoughts we think about ourselves and other people, and the negative influences we allow into our lives. Sometimes these influences are people. Sometimes, as painful as it is (and believe me, I've lived the unbelievable pain), it's the only way to move forward. Maybe someday you can return, but you have to grow and change on your own before you can return to those who you've worked with to become the broken person you are today.

I highly recommend Laura Davis's book I Thought We'd Never Speak Again. I have a wonderful ex-library copy by my bed that I read when I'm feeling particularly blue. It gives me hope that loss can be a good thing, and that I am currently becoming the person I want to be, and maybe, just maybe, someday things will be different.

I've been convicted

My Amazon jungle front yard.

So I freely use tape on my packaging. I often use recycled or reused packaging products (come on, I go through the trash at the post office for extra cushioning). But I've been buying shipping tape at the dollar store for quite a long time. Well eBay has convicted me with their "green" marketing campaign. It seems that regular tape is not biodegradable. Who knew? Well, I did, but I wasn't really paying attention.

I have now purchased water-activated tape, which is made of paper, and is biodegradable, and usually made from 100% recycled materials (awesome). But of course, it's more expensive, and not at the dollar store (at least, I don't think it is-I haven't checked). So I will now be making my packages that much more great by not adding to the landfills in any way with regular clear tape (I got mine through eBay).

Obviously this creates a real problem for all you parents out there. Those kiddies sure love the duct tape, don't they?

You keep on asking "why?"

Sometimes it looks like a relationship is over because it has changed so drastically. Sometimes death is necessary for rebirth (I'm speaking metaphorically, of course). Sometimes our understanding is so limited that we cannot see what is real; we can only see what our own eyes and hearts see.

When in doubt, when everything looks topsy-turvy and you don't understand, know this:

1. You are loved
2. You are flawed
3. You have been terribly wounded
4. You have wounded terribly
5. You can never understand everything
6. What is best is to understand yourself
7. Love, love, love
8. Show compassion, limitless compassion (see #1-5)

Never lose hope that redemption is possible, that life is found after death (again, metaphor), and that you are adored by the Creator. Stop looking for limited love when limitless love is available. Forgive yourself for being flawed, because everybody is; it's part of being human-you can't escape it.

Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your best friend. Don't be cruel to the only person who will always be with you (i.e. you).

Forgive, but know what that means before you try to do it. It is not a word, or a feeling. It is knowledge, and choice.

I'm no splurger

I do not splurge. Splurging is outside of my zone of proximal development. But sometimes, when I feel light as air, no worries on my mind, I do something silly, like buy a plane ticket to Hawaii to see friends, or gather my girlfriends to see a movie at the $3 theater (!).

When is thrifty awesome, and when does it start to ruin your life, or take you away from your best possible life? When do decisions you make for the right reasons, become the wrong ending without your consent?

A few years ago, I decided to sell my car. It had bad juju. I went carless for a month or so, which was a huge pain because I lived far from everything. Then I bought a wonderful old VW Diesel Rabbit, and it was so awesome, for twelve hours. Then it was undriveable.

The last three years have been the same. It will be wonderful, then it will be $2000. I am in a financial pit because of my car. Well, not so much a pit, as a desert. But I don't have the capital to buy a new one, so I'm stuck. I'm stuck between changing who I am (i.e. not a person who goes into debt or a person who makes car payments) and being somewhat unhappy. My car is fully functional. Don't get me wrong. I love my car. Everyone who sees my car loves my car, but the upkeep on something of its age is unbelievable. So I'm stuck.

A fellow student bought a used hybrid at auction. She gave me the price tag of $6500 to shoot for. That seems manageable, not manageable for me, but not astronomical. So right now, I'm just sitting, and thinking, and fantasizing about air conditioning and power steering and NPR in the morning and taking road trips to San Francisco on a whim. The fantasy keeps me going sometimes. It's hope for a better tomorrow, when today is unmanageable.

Are those space pants?

When I was a kid, I swear that I was taught that trash in space spun around and around until it got burned up in the sun. I figured that this was the future of garbage disposal. We would launch trash into space, opening up more land for housing, or food, or whatever would be there if there weren't a landfill; probably dirt.

So you can imagine, that when I learned that this is in fact not the case, that trash is revolving around our planet right now, I was quite distressed. I really believed that our planet was redeemable from this mess that we've put ourselves in. So now what? Well, our orbital trash has reached such an all-time high that now we (who we is, is a problem) need to act soon or the space junk will begin to cause problems in space. I can't figure out much more than that the international space station will be in danger. Now here is the bigger problem: who is allowed to deal with the trash in space? Who owns space to the extent that they can patrol it? And what if in the middle of the trash-compiling, or eliminating, someone else's satellite is damaged, and how do we know it wasn't damaged on purpose? Ack.

So in light of an earlier post on the ridiculousness of humans and recycling, I post this to let you know what's happening in space. Because if you're not current on space news, you're in trouble. Later in space news, we will discuss the wonder that is star death. Seriously.

A light shines in the darkness

I tell every one, every thing. I am all out there, all the time, without shame. I've been this way as long as I can remember, and I've never questioned it as a character trait. It's part of what makes me, me, at least I think it is.

It turns out that not all people are like this. Some people like to be private. I really don't know much more about this phenomenon, but suffice to say, they don't share their business with just anyone.

When I first kissed a boy, I told all my friends. When I had a fight with my mom, I cried at school in front of everybody. When I was interviewed for a leadership camp, I showed up in my bathing suit, and cried while telling the story of how much I admired my swim coach. But that's a little kid who does that, who wants to make sure that no one keeps secrets, that every one is safe. That is not an adult who knows the difference between an acquaintance and a confidante. I'm seeing more and more clearly that I've continued to do this without really thinking about its value in my life. I've left no secret untold because truth is light, and I thought that the light would shine in the darkness, and all would be well, that that light would kill the darkness. I don't know now.

I'm not going to start keeping secrets. I believe that every thing about me should be known, even if the information is spread across a group of people. But now, I have to look at what I thought was an intrinsic part of me, and question whether or not I need that part to be me.

Sometimes in relationships, we are made to look at parts of ourselves that we've never really looked at before, and sometimes, most of the time, we change. Other people help us change. And it may look like throwing away a part of yourself to make another person happy, but I don't think that at all. I think that other people help us to see the parts of ourselves that we don't need, that we otherwise would hold onto without the light of another person.

Be a light in someone's darkness today. It's a beautiful thing.

I'm a one-hit wonder

I am a terrible diabetic right now. It is next to impossible for me to Move (i.e. my belongings) and eat at the same time. My brain cannot go in that many directions. I'm caught between a little trauma response and a completely adult activity that needs all my brain power.

Unfortunately, these two things, in combination, spell trouble. Not eating means my brain doesn't get enough energy to operate properly. Suddenly, an already stressful activity becomes ten times worse. It becomes impossible. I wailed on my bed twice today. I said "I want to die" at least ten times, out loud, in front of other people. Now of course my close friends know I'm an embellisher of the highest degree, but they also know that I'm someone who doesn't always want to live either, so I make it very difficult when I say things like this. I recognize that I'm doing this, but sometimes my feelings are so big that only BIG statements will do.

I wish I had enough insight to make different choices, but right now I'm flailing at everything. In two weeks, hopefully everything will be organized and I will be back to my usual dramatic jovial self. But right now, I'm in the thick of it, a thick mess of boxes and a very small walkway through them.

The thing that got me through today, apart from the invaluable help of my friends, is a mad crush I'm having. My best friend says I need to remember that romance fades quickly (she snuffs my flame when she worries it'll set a fire), and I was hurt. I want to enjoy what I've got going, because it's quite enjoyable, and it's all with a person I enjoy quite a lot. I don't want to throw away the good stuff just because it might not last forever, because I already know that life is hard. I don't need to make it harder just because I'm feeling too good.

So how do I know that all of this chaos won't end badly? How do I know that it will all work out in the end? I really don't. I don't have a good romantic track record (it's quite terrible, actually), and I am intense as all get out.

So in the midst of the boxes and the chaos in my brain, I sat down to eat some rolls before I went to sleep. My caloric intake today would infuriate my nutritionist, but it'll all return to normal soon enough. I'll be back to my burrito-a-day habit and all will be well.

Because at the end of the day, no matter how crazy life gets, I can't throw myself away. I'm the only one I've got.

The one thing I won't give up

I am an eternal optimist. It's in my bones. But I wasn't programmed to be this way. I was programmed to be afraid of the future, every one around me, sleep, the dark, and the monsters underneath my bed. I was AFRAID.

I first recognized this part of me when I had a total freakout in class one morning, one of my first graduate school classes. The discussion on the table was about the ability of persons to change, and the simple answer is that some people will never change. Some people, it would seem, cannot change.

But the question I was asking, and thus the answer, was entirely different. I believe that people have the capacity to change, that God's divine goodness allows it, that this is grace, and that to deny it is to miss out on it. Several people disagreed, vehemently; I was shocked.

I think I raised my voice. I think I almost cried; my face was undoubtedly red. I was furious, raging from the inside. How dare anyone question that change is possible, that people can change? I saw it so clearly, but I couldn't communicate that which was central to my entire being.

My life up to that moment, was filled with grief, with loss, with longing. I didn't know enough to label it with those words because I was too busy feeling my own pain, but I knew enough to know that life sucked. I knew enough to know that life was not worth living all the time, that I myself oftentimes didn't want to live, and that I didn't choose to live the life I was given at conception (I use that word to avoid causing my readers any trouble continuing to read).

I didn't choose my parents or what they gave me. But damn-it, if I didn't believe with my whole being that life didn't have to suck. I still believe this, even when I'm so sad that I can't see any hope, I still believe this. Because there's a little girl inside of me who wants to die, and I'm never going to tell her that it doesn't get better, that it will in fact get worse for a while, a long while that will feel like forever. I won't tell her that. She deserves to be lied to.

Sometimes I sound deluded or naive when I talk this way. I recognize that. But if I sound that way, it's because I choose a life of delusion over the truth. I can live each day fully with hope, but sometimes, with the reality set before me at any given moment, there is not enough hope in the world to keep me alive. It is then that I lie, knowingly. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. Because people can change, and circumstances can change, and life as you now know it, can change.

Stop Saying that Nothing is Wrong

How many times should you let your dogs eat frogs? They never learn. Eating the frog would mean certain death, so all they ever do is lick it, or eat a leg and have it jump out. Yet time and again, late at night when it's dark in the backyard, my two dumb dogs go out, find some frog to either kill or maim, and come to the backdoor with huge smiles on their faces, and lots of foam at their mouths.

Do I ever learn? I make the same mistakes time and again. I fall in the same holes and flirt with the same boys. I say mean things when I should be kind, and I sing weird songs when I'm trying to be kind, but they come out mean.So should I be concerned about this, or does every one do this? My mom says that she looks up ex-boyfriends when she's mad at my dad, and that's not 100% healthy. I always assume that I'm the worst person in the world, but I don't think that's a real thing (i.e. contest for world's worst person, that is). I think every one is flawed, and comparing myself to other people is never the answer. There is no more than one ME; therefore, there is no one to compare myself to [Insert WWJD commentary here].

I am neurotic, and when I meet men, I have to suppress the immediate urge to tell them all the crazy stuff about myself-full disclosure. But I really only do this because I believe that I am uniquely flawed.

We're all a mess; let's face it. You'll really feel better when you do. That's how I came to have a spinal adjustment this morning. And now I'm a new person-a brand new person with a renewed spine. Wow! I never would have gotten to have that amazing feeling had I not been willing to admit that there was something wrong. This is a big metaphor for my life. We could all save ourselves a lot of grief by just accepting that life is crappy sometimes.

Great, now I'm spreading my hypochondriasis. Hey, just because you're a hypochondriac doesn't mean nothing's wrong.