Everything is okay. I'm not insane.

Thrift store oil painting - there's just something about it I love :)

I had a less-than-wonderful day yesterday. Maybe it's the pending end-of-the-world. Maybe it's the fog, or the rain, or the fiscal cliff. Maybe it's the holiday season. Maybe it's the last month of unnecessary and expensive medical tests. Maybe it's female hysteria.

Whatever it was, it was something I'd done before, and something I'll do again. So I went and hung out with my favorite teenagers and the dogs. I went to bed early. I left work early. I wandered my favorite thrift store until Bruno Mars came on the radio and I had to flee. I took pictures of inventory in my driveway. I made jokes to make myself laugh. I reflected a wee bit about the source of my bad feelings. I listened to talk radio and Madman Across the Water. I did the things that make me feel better, bit by bit.

So that's life sometimes, and it's okay, to be sad and a little crazy sometimes. I'm probably a little crazier that most people, but I'm pretty fond of myself most of the time.

Hope all is well with you. Peace out mofos :)

Thrift Share Monday :)

Signed "A. Mountanos 1980"

I found this mug last week, and haven't been able to find anything like it. There is a Mountanos Coffee Company, and I have been able to find some strand of a connection between the Mountanos surname, and Turkey. It might just be a fluke, but I thought it was really neat, and maybe collectible.

This morning, I woke up to a hilarious passive aggressive email in my inbox telling me, in essence, how selfish and greedy I was being for not accepting offers of 25-35% of my asking price, and how the buyer would send me "[my] profit" as soon as I accepted the offer. Dude, if you only knew how I get by. It's really laughable. Sometimes I ask myself if it's ethical for me to buy low and sell high, even if the item is worth what I'm asking. Sometimes I wonder if I need to cap my profit on any one particular item. I don't know. I'm not making a lot of money. I'm paying my bills.

Last night, my car started acting up, definitely structural and not the engine itself (it was still running well), and now I'm sitting in my apartment debating whether I should drive it at all before my appointment tomorrow at my mechanic. I still have paperwork to wrap up for my work year, and I have to drive to my supervisor's office to get final signatures. I'm kinda trusting that the car thing will be fixable in one day, and I'll be able to finish the paperwork traveling tomorrow afternoon. Ah the life of a VW owner! It's blissful, really :)

Linking up with Apron Thrift Girl.

It's all about the afterlife.

Isn't this SO cute?

They always throw around this term "the liberal elite." And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Single and in need

Oil + vinegar + seasonings = Homemade dressing

Are you married, or partnered? Is there a single (i.e. unmarried) person in your life that you love to love? If not, get one, and soon. The fate of single-kind rests in your hands. We are weak and unorganized. We tend to gather in groups, but real unity doesn't always stick. We need more stable entities to ground us, hold us to a neighborhood, a home. We need people who will stay even when that staying is not a civil agreement marked by the courts.

I don't know when I first started adopting families. I was probably about fifteen or so. I needed something that my own environment wasn't providing, and I looked far and wide for something boring to latch onto. I found that stable boring wonderful something in my best friend and her parents, who sat down every night at 9pm to have dinner together. I was always welcomed warmly, though I never had anything to give beyond my strong dish-washing abilities ;) Those moments helped me stay grounded in a chaotic world, and have served as a template for other families and other dinners.

Tonight, I shared one such dinner. We discussed pink slime and my current employment status. Many strawberries were eaten, and I had an extra helping of salad. It was wonderful because it was shared. I don't sit at home and cry when I eat dinner by myself. I enjoy silence quite a lot, and often long for it during the chaos of the day. But there are times, usually Saturday nights, when all I want is a family to eat dinner with. So thanks to all of my family friends, who welcome me warmly into their homes no matter what I'm wearing, or how much I monopolize the conversation.

Online dating update (it sucks)

Frye Boots, baby! This model is no longer made.

So when I started setting stuff up for the flea market, organizing and such, I realized that I have a lot more than I could have imagined, and my booth should look really nice and full on Saturday. I'm a little bit concerned about my own energy level, and my ability to get through the day, but I'm committed and will do what needs to be done.

The online dating thing is lame. I hate it. I want a refund. All I think when I look at it is, "This is not what I want". I don't know at what point it's appropriate to do something I don't want in the interest of having sex a meaningful relationship sometime soon. I don't know how far to push myself in this area, when nothing else has been fruitful, so I don't have other, better, options.

I want a man I'm deeply attracted to. I want a man who's at least as strong as me. Those are the two hardest things to find. All of the other stuff is way easier. My therapist and I talked today about how capable I am. I have quality friendships with men. I've had intimate relationships with men. All I have to do is put the two together, and I'll be in business! I told her she was being too positive; she said she wasn't trying to be.

I'm tired of it being so hard.

[That's what she said :)]

Ack! Lent is coming!

I haven't given anything up for Lent in years. My life is already about deprivation. Not a day goes by that I don't willingly live without something I want. The only reason I'm considering going to weekly Lenten prayers at my church is because everyone goes out for bagels afterwards. I'm tired of living through Lent, listening to people detail their wonderful deprivation skills, their ability to go without. Am I being judgmental? Definitely.

I am often judgmental. As long as this depraved habit doesn't affect my life in too negative a way, I usually just forgive myself and move on. Except then I miss out on what Lent offers for me (ah, perhaps individualism could benefit me in some way in this instance). Maybe Lent offers me a reason to spend less time on the computer. Maybe Lent offers me outside time for gardening, or more yoga and less ice cream, or vice versa. I don't know.

A while back there was a significant other in my life, in that he was significant because he'd seen me naked, and an other, because he wasn't a lady from my gym locker room. He was always looking to be more spiritual. He tried and tried to be monk-like without actually being celibate. We listened to monks-chanting-psalms on tape in the car. We lit candles and read the bible. When he was upset, I read to him from my favorite book of sermons.

This all felt like an act, like a play with meaningful lines, but with actors playing parts, not real people living their real lives. It all felt false, and I felt empty. On the surface, for me, it looked like I was making good decisions-I'd chosen a good Christian man, hadn't I? But being in this relationship made it feel like someone stuck a maple tap into my heart, and blood just dripped out day by day. I needed an infusion, and I was lost.

Sometimes spirituality is empty because it's only on the surface. We can't make something happen in our souls. We can try, but there has to be a response from the other side. Even Mother Theresa felt like God didn't speak to her. Being "spiritual" doesn't always mean what we think it means.

Maybe take some time this Lenten season for your spirit, in whatever way feeds your soul. I will continue to contemplate the ritual, as I do every year.

My un-straight spine

I kinda wish I had a job where I could be a little more flashy. In some ways, I feel like the way I might normally dress, even nicely, might draw too much attention to me, and my work is not about me.

When I get dressed, I don't think about how I want to look, or what I feel like wearing that day. I just pull out my slacks, and pick a shell and sweater that I haven't worn together lately. Then I try to make my face look like I haven't slept in hay, cover up my white lips, add some earrings, and it's an outfit. My medical ID bracelet is the only other "jewelry" I have. I believe I've previously disclosed my inability to wear necklaces. Maybe in another year or so, I'll try a necklace one day, when my neck is all the way straight.

I have a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. This is something that I have dealt with for a long time, but is only becoming worse over time. Yoga helps, but it doesn't fix it. The best thing that I have found is getting adjusted by a chiropractor, and not little tweaking-major wrenching.

Maybe I am unique in this way, maybe not, but my spine is not as it should be. Working with a chiropractor has begun a reversal process (reversing what, I don't exactly know). The process isn't complete, but it is a whole lot better than it ever has been in my adult life. Thank you awesome chiropractor-you've helped me stand truly straight, for maybe the first time in my life :)

I need a new car.

 

I need a new car. I am done being a teenager with my old beater. I've had my youth. Now I want to be an adult. I'm tired of climbing in the back hatch because my doors won't open. I'm tired of the doors not opening. I'm tired of it being cold in the winter and hot in the summer. I'm done. It's time.

I just don't know how to make a new car happen. My meager subsistence is not enough to afford me any kind of vehicle other than my own. But to put another dollar into that damn thing will be the end of me. So I need a plan. Here are the options my friend and I came up with this evening. Option-creating is a no-holds-barred event. No option is too stupid when we're trying to develop a list of possibilities. So this is the beginning of the process. As it continues, the list will whittle down.

• Call my alien friends and ask them to send me a car
• Get a car loan from a bank
• Take out more student loan money next semester
• Find a sugar daddy

The rest of the list is not G-rated, so I won't be explicit. I need a car. I know what I want. Now I need to figure out how to get what I want.

Garbage in, garbage out

 

In yoga tonight, I had thoughts running through my mind throughout the class. That's rare. Usually, I am able to get rid of everything very quickly and focus on how much pain I'm in. Maybe I am feeling stronger, so am therefore able to let my mind wander, but it got me to thinking. How am I getting rid of the negativity in my life? How am I dealing with the garbage that comes in? Am I doing anything?

I am a firm believer that the brain and body carry everything with them. Your brain remembers everything that has happened to you. It is stored in there somewhere, and someday something that you've never remembered before from 3rd grade will pop up suddenly because something in your environment triggered that particular neurotransmitter to fire (or get fired on?).

So that's all well and good when you work at Clouds-R-Us, where everyone is friendly and happy and no one has an unkind word for anyone else, and nothing bad ever happens to anyone. But for the rest of us who have constant good and bad flowing into our lives, I think it's important to stop and think every once in a while, "How much good am I putting into my life? Is there any way that I can replace some of the bad with some good? Is watching Law and Order a good thing or a bad thing for my overall health and well-being?"

Yoga is part of that for me. Yoga gives me a great deal of good and at the same time reminds me to breathe out the bad, and to let go of the things I try so hard to hold on to. Yoga isn't for everyone, but it is a symbol of what each of us needs in our lives-a time and place, set aside, for the purpose of cleansing and renewal.

I hope you find this space for yourself somehow, and if not, I hope you start to look for it.

Costly, long-suffering, hope

After this weekend's horrible events in Northern California, I've really been struggling to hold on to my stringent peace position. I have made my life about the work of peace and justice in the world, and for the first time, I'm wavering. I'm beginning to understand those who call cops "pigs". I'm losing my grip on my own beliefs. When I see indifferent violence being carried out in my own world, to my friends, my brain gets fuzzy.

Please recognize that I know that there is horrific violence in the world every day. I know that in my being; I have known it my whole life. And short of banging on soft surfaces with my fists and screaming alone in an empty room, I am not a violent person. I don't believe in violence. I think it's silly, that we as a species would resort to harming one another to solve our problems. I actually don't understand it. I resist it in my very soul. But something changed inside of me when I saw that video on Saturday morning. Perhaps the door in my heart, that I'd shut long ago, had been opened, and I began to see that violence is not just something I hate, but something that is real.

This is not a naive experience for me. I was not born into my beliefs; I have had to earn them. And they have come at a very high price. Violence is real to me, but perhaps I've been looking at it with compassion all this time. I try desperately to understand the aggressor in every situation, to feel compassion for them, to find empathy for the pain that they must experience as a perpetrator, and then later as a survivor of that perpetration. But to see the indifference with which that cop calmly shook that can...my soul cannot contain it.

I wish that I could give you some kind of resolution to this issue (I myself have found a little here and here). I wish I could give you all the hope you need for your own life. That is my life's work. But today, I will fail you. I'm so very sorry.

Seriously, you're all amazing.

Caitlin, of "To Make Love Stay", wrote this post recently. I read it, and was inspired.

I've been really feverish today, and feeling like all the kinds of my worst self. For some strange reason, I keep thinking about sharing space with another person, and how impossible that seems in this moment. My crap is everywhere. I have one sink, in the bathroom. It is my only water source. I do the dishes in the bathroom sink. There. I said it. Be disgusted by me.

I keep thinking, "Why would another person want to live with me?" I don't know why this suddenly seems important, but there's something so amazing to me about committed relationships. You don't just put up with the other person; you expose yourself to that other person, every friggin day. You can't hide anything: your weird smells, your whining, your moods, your weird smells, all of the bizarre things you feed yourself, how often you stare at your own pores in the mirror, how often you return through the front door in the morning because you forgot something, how much stuff you actually buy at thrift stores, how many doctors appointments you actually have, and on, and on, and on...Who would subject him or herself to this?

So yes, sometimes, I marvel at the human tendency to commune with itself. Even in all of our disgustingness, we continue to befriend, love, procreate, teach, help, and endure with one another. We take care of our children. Some of us even go so far as to adore our children, tend to them, cuddle with them, and let them throw up all over us. We are all one big mess, together.

It never ceases to amaze me.

Mental health day

I have so many things to do-important things to do-things that must be done. But I don't have it in me. I don't have anything in me. I don't know where it all went, but it's not here. So I'm going to sit in one place until it returns. See you when I see you.

Note: Today is Drug Disposal Day. Go here for a nearby location to drop off your unused and/or expired medications.

Thank you Sugar :)

I'm having a difficult moment; it will pass. I have difficult moments sometimes, and they always pass eventually. I made someone sad today on accident, and I got a new job, and I got hit on a lot. It was a busy day.

I talk a lot on my blog about wanting things: the nature of want, the appropriateness of want, etc. And in my mind, I keep coming back to it. I want things that I cannot have. I do not have things that I want. I tell myself, "God will give you everything you need", but that doesn't seem like a very long list. The list gets adjusted all the time. One minute I think I have something because I need it, and then it gets taken away, and I think, "Well, guess I didn't need that after all." I don't want to be the kind of naive person that thanks God for things that God couldn't possibly be concerned with, like my gas tank, but sometimes I wish I were. Today I ran out of gas at the gas station-way better than the freeway during a flash flood, let me tell you.

I wish I could live in the same city as all the people I love. I wish I could see my loved ones more often. I wish that some of my loved ones were healthy enough to have frank and honest conversations with, but that just isn't possible. I want things. I want.

"Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room."

-Dear Sugar (full letter here)