I fix things.

Vintage GE Mist-Condition Hairsetter

So in the past year or so, I have fixed the following: my toaster oven, a blender, an aquarium, and a very fancy coffee maker. I believe that in some way, I broke all of them. And when they broke, every single time, I had an absolute freak out. Then I decided to fix them, because what the hell else could I do?

Fixing appliances is a lot less scary than some people think (or maybe a lot of people are like me and enjoy fixing things - I dunno). I'm a clumsy mess sometimes, so am left with the reality that this clumsiness will continually end in some kind of mess.

But in the end, nothing is unfixable. Injuries heal, appliances can be repaired, relationships can be rekindled, and diseases, well, those raw foodies have something to say about that. Perhaps if we admitted to ourselves that things will break, we'd be more open to doing the dirty job of fixing them, sewing up those socks, filling in those holes in the wall, going to see a therapist. Maybe if we acknowledged that we ourselves are all broken, we'd be more okay with the brokenness of other people, and the inevitable brokenness of the world.

What do I do with my car?

Two days ago, I was in a hit-and-run on a local freeway. A large truck was swerving in the far left lane, ran into me on my driver's side, then sped away. There was a fair bit of traffic, and I couldn't move or swerve. It all happened so fast, and for the next several hours, I wasn't quite sure if I had done something wrong, but no, it was an accident, and it sucks, and that's just how it is.

So now my car is in worse shape than ever, and I don't want to deal with it anymore! I just want it to end, this whole car craziness. I don't want to drive a car that people feel compelled to run into (as per this comment last night from a friend: "Yeah, I'd run into that"). This darn rabbit keeps digging me into a deeper financial hole, and all I want is out, out, out!

Yesterday, on a lovely trip to see my parents, and do their laundry (disabled parent = need to be productive in the face of chaos), a friend offered me a non-running 1990 Toyota Corolla which needs the following: serpentine belt, temperature gauge, radiator. It's been sitting in their back lot for at least a year, and was running fine until the aforementioned items exploded from the dashboard (no joke). The car has air conditioning, four doors, and upholstery, all of which I covet. And it may be free (before repairs, obviously). So I'm spending a few days deciding what it will cost to fix, whether or not it's wise to do so, and praying to God that somehow, in some small way, I can be relieved of this mess.

Peace out :)

Universal health care is for commies.

 

Megan: "I would like to refill a prescription."

Pharmacy: "Oh, that seems like a normal request. Let us take care of that for you."

Insurance Company: "We do not believe that this person requires this prescription."

Pharmacy: "Oh, okay...Hey, Megan, the insurance company won't cover the prescription you've been receiving for the past ten years. They need more information about the status of your need for this prescription."

Megan: "It's for test strips, you know, for my chronic diabetes. I get them all the freakin' time."

Pharmacy: "We'll have to get back to you. In the meantime, try not to die."

I got a dog.

Ten things about my new dog:

1. Her name is Molly
2. She is small and black
3. She is a Chihuahua mix
4. She's fairly quiet
5. She's been crazy hungry
6. She's a rescue
7. I woke up in the middle of the night, and she was sitting by my head staring at me
8. She's very jumpy and bouncy
9. She came home with poop on her, and when I tried to give her a bath, she bit me--she was so scared, there was a lot going on, and I hadn't let her know who was boss
10. We've got a ways to go before we love each other

Want to adopt a dog? I had been looking at this website for months, and drooling over a dog I could love. I found a bunch that appealed to me, but in the end, I picked up the one who didn't seem to like me, and took her home. I hope we're okay. She sure is cute, and super weird.

Who wants to model for me?

This is how I feel about my apartment right now. There's no room for me.

There's a thrift tore in town that is explicitly Christian. All of the workers have to say that they are "blessed" when greeted. It's frightening in a way. The only way that I feel cared for in the environment is when the workers stare at me because they haven't seen a woman in a while, and then say "hello" a few too many times. Anyhow, I saw like at least a dozen one-piece pantsuits there today. For some reason, I see them all the time, and I'm really scared to buy them. I don't think that I'd be able to sell them, and then I'd feel dumb. How weird is that? I buy dumb things all the time!

I have tried to stay away from clothing as much as possible because I am not a model, and I have no desire to become one. I also only have half of a body form, so it isn't much help with large pieces. For example, I have a vintage wedding dress sitting in a basket somewhere that I haven't listed because I haven't figured out how to make it look good (Note: It doesn't exactly fit me. I am too large in one particular region). I've considered getting a model, but what would I pay them, and how would I ask, and could I take good enough photos to make it worth the process?

I'm gonna go sleep on it.

Lots of backbends

Yoga tonight was so intense for me. Backbends, backbends, backbends. A couple hours later, and I'm still kinda shaky. But I look forward to going every week. It's good, and calming, and all of the crap in my body is gone at the end of the class-it's all left on the mat.

I was sweating like crazy (it was hot and the room was packed). I was slipping all over the place, and my clothes weren't spongy enough to soak it up. I had to go to town on my mat when I got home-clean it up, get all the yuck off of it. Then I ate a lot to fill up my empty muscles.

Now I'm watching The Bachelor. My body feels great; sore, but great. I am full of rosemary focaccia, and chocolate, and soy milk. I am content and tired.

Thrifting and flirting

I have no social life outside of my friends who also have no social lives. So when we get together, it's the same group, every time, and I've decided that we get some new friends, if for no other reason than to give me someone to make out with at parties.

Here are the players:

1. I am going through the silverware bins the other night, when I come up and there is a man walking towards me with a grand smile on his face. He has chin-length dark brown wavy hair, and a dirty "maybe-I'm-a-craftsman-of-some-kind" look. His smile was amazing and bright, and I couldn't stop thinking about him for the next half-hour as I browsed.

2. Another night; another store. I am also going through bins, now looking through piles of Christmas stuff. There is a man standing next to me that I think is mumbling to himself, but he's really just talking to me and getting up the nerve to make it audible. I'm singing along to the song that's playing in the store, and he asks if I like Elvis. At this point, I'm not really paying attention to the song, so I'm starting to think this guy is just crazy.

"Oops"-Elvis is singing, and I'm singing with him, and this was a legitimate question. I say something lame like, "Isn't everyone required to like Elvis?" and soon non-crazy man walks away saying, "Well have a lovely holiday season." Oh, wow. He did so well.

3. Totally cute guy who works at my old favorite store (which has become emptier of late, and thus has lessened in my mind as a worthy favorite) who is now sporting a beard and it looks really good. We never talk though, beyond a discussion of the coupon/sale situation happening that particular day. Plus, this is the store where the women talk about "gringas" under their breath, so I'm not entirely sure I'm appreciated.

I will keep you updated. Obviously, not so hot and steamy, but definitely progressing. I've moved into full-on eye contact and occasional greetings.

Garbage in, garbage out

 

In yoga tonight, I had thoughts running through my mind throughout the class. That's rare. Usually, I am able to get rid of everything very quickly and focus on how much pain I'm in. Maybe I am feeling stronger, so am therefore able to let my mind wander, but it got me to thinking. How am I getting rid of the negativity in my life? How am I dealing with the garbage that comes in? Am I doing anything?

I am a firm believer that the brain and body carry everything with them. Your brain remembers everything that has happened to you. It is stored in there somewhere, and someday something that you've never remembered before from 3rd grade will pop up suddenly because something in your environment triggered that particular neurotransmitter to fire (or get fired on?).

So that's all well and good when you work at Clouds-R-Us, where everyone is friendly and happy and no one has an unkind word for anyone else, and nothing bad ever happens to anyone. But for the rest of us who have constant good and bad flowing into our lives, I think it's important to stop and think every once in a while, "How much good am I putting into my life? Is there any way that I can replace some of the bad with some good? Is watching Law and Order a good thing or a bad thing for my overall health and well-being?"

Yoga is part of that for me. Yoga gives me a great deal of good and at the same time reminds me to breathe out the bad, and to let go of the things I try so hard to hold on to. Yoga isn't for everyone, but it is a symbol of what each of us needs in our lives-a time and place, set aside, for the purpose of cleansing and renewal.

I hope you find this space for yourself somehow, and if not, I hope you start to look for it.