megan + burritos = 4EVER

I may have created a new holiday tradition wherein I eat as many burritos as I want. This lasted about two weeks, and it was wonderful. Last night, it ended tragically. I don't know what to blame: bad avocado, undercooked potatoes, not enough hot sauce, or an over-toasted tortilla. It was all wrong, and I'm left me with an empty feeling in my heart.

As a diabetic, food is not always enjoyable. I can regularly be found stuffing my face with handfuls of raisins at 11pm in a dark kitchen, scrounging for old sugar packets mid-afternoon at work, or just miserably eating anything at anytime. Sometimes I eat because I have to, and I hate it. Actually, I am usually eating because I have to. Food is sustenance, energy. Food is the thing that keeps my blood sugar steady in a way that nothing else can. When something is forced upon me, I usually hate it, even if I previously loved it. If you tell me I must do something, I will cease to love it. I really don't like to be told what to do.

Burritos are enjoyable. Burritos I can do. I also love sandwiches, just less. And if I love something that I can also eat (which will not be a bad choice for me food-wise), the heavens open up for a glorious moment and let me enjoy food. It's a precious thing, and I savor every bit of it.

Except for last night. Damn you bad burrito.

Silver everything.

I've sold a fair bit of silver in the past month or so. I sold a lot of odd-and-ends sterling jewelry. I sold a set of three sterling soup spoons. I sold a set of matching cufflinks and a tie pin. I'm a fan.

I bought the soup spoons with these knives. I couldn't believe that I actually found sterling spoons, as in, full size sterling silver spoons. I felt like I'd won the freakin' lottery. So when they weren't selling, I spent a couple hours really trying to figure out what the pattern was, since the pattern wasn't matching anything the manufacturer ever made in sterling. Eventually I was able to name the pattern, and that's when they sold. $150 for three spoons. Heavenly.

I'm off to a memorial service in the morning. My bff will be accompanying me for emotional support. I don't know what I'll be walking into, who I'll see from my past, who will be nasty (it's happened before). I'm right on the edge of feeling capable of staying in one solid adult-sized piece the whole time. I will likely be getting pan dulce for the road, with my favorite cafe con canela. Food is inextricably linked to my emotional health (thanks diabetes!). But really, food makes me feel capable in a deeper way than the provision of energy. Food gives me literal and figurative fuel for the journey. Isn't that weird, how something so primitive can become so inextricably linked to who we are?

Chew on that, yo.

Green Smoothies :)

Casualware "Avocado" Green Knives - A first for me :)

I believe that there are receptors in our body that crave green nutrients, fresh raw green nutrients. I also believe that eating all raw is crazy. I had a moment a month or so ago where I found a website that told me that eating all raw would cure my Type I Diabetes, and I was consumed by guilt that I wasn't willing to do it. But I got over it when I remembered how short life is, and I think that we all have to make decisions about our health that allow us to survive and thrive. Being limited by a diet limits one's entire life. I learned this when I was initially diagnosed with diabetes, and I ended up living on lettuce and protein bars. I was miserable, and sick, and I couldn't fit in anywhere.

It took me a long time to try every diet for diabetes, and choose one that worked for me. Veganism works for me. I've figured out how to make it work, take care of myself, and not go crazy. The latter is probably the most important (see earlier comment on lettuce).

Anyhoo, the most recent way I've figured out how to flood those "raw green" receptors (maybe they're in my gut somewhere) is to make green "smoothies". You throw some green stuff in a blender with some fruit and some sort of liquid (I use water), blend it up and drink it. I know it sounds gross, but there is something about it that makes me feel really good, and that makes me want to keep doing it. It helps me eat a lot of spinach too, which I know is good for me, especially since I don't eat meat.

Anyhoo, there are a ton of rules about how to do it, which I don't follow very closely, because too many rules makes me less likely to do the thing I'm trying to do. And seriously, if you go from no spinach to a glass of green every once in a while, that can only be good, right?

Look! It's a castle!

Vintage Fisher Price castle - 1970s - reminds me of toys at Grandma's house :)

So maybe it's the coming month of fewer hours at work, but I've been bulking up on inventory like a fun thrift store hobbyist. I'm actually quite content right now, listening to country, drinking some cafe au lait, and trying on vintage eyeglasses while I list them, and it's been quite a long time since I haven't begrudgingly listed on my off days. Less stress overall = more enjoyment in the little things I suppose.

I went in and got a CT scan yesterday. As time passes, I am becoming more and more angry about how all of this hullabaloo has gone down. One person that saw the incident said I might have had a small seizure, or I could have fainted and fallen down. Both are equally likely. But I defaulted, thinking it wouldn't matter, and shouldn't I call my diabetes doctor just to let them know? But thus began a series of events that cannot be undone, and now my driver's license is in jeopardy and I'm getting all of these tests run that cost a lot of money, and scare me a little.

Everyone who knows me, knows I'm high strung, intense, sometimes over-the-top. But I'm also very aware of it, and I suppose that makes me not-so-scary. Yeah, I panic, I freak out, but I also am the person you want to call in a genuine crisis, because while I freak out about the stupidest things, I do not freak out when shit is on the line. I am calm and cool, and focused. Yeah, it's weird, but it's me, and I'm okay with that.

I'm really missing the dogs today, and I wish they were sitting next to me.

Peace out :)

Things I'm thankful for :)

1. Dogs - especially ones who whine ecstatically when they see me
2. Men who like big words - mostly because it means they're not afraid of me
3. Doctors - especially those who trust me
4. Art - because where would we be without really great nudes?
5. Insulin - cuz it's awesome; you should try it sometime
6. My poems - especially since I don't show them to anyone anymore
7. My job - because I love it, and I'm really good at it
8. Natalie Merchant - playing in my car all month
9. Rainer Maria Rilke - who always inspires me
10. All of the wonderful, brilliant, interesting people in my life - I love you all

BIKRAM #2 (and #3)

 

So Tuesday, I went back to the hot yoga studio. There was a different instructor, and she suggested that I sit out one set of each posture (they do two sets of everything), so I did. After an hour, I thought I was going to die from the heat and I couldn't slow my heart rate down, so I just laid on the ground for the last twenty minutes and willed my breath to keep me alive. I succeeded.

Wednesday (i.e. yesterday), I went again, this time not because I had something to prove to myself or anyone else, but because I really wanted to go back. My job can be stressful if I allow it to be, and it's really nice to look forward to a time where I can let out all the bad stuff that's hanging out in my body. I'm not a big believer in toxins and all that jazz. I'm not going to buy a cleansing kit that does horrible things, nor am I going to go crazy and do the cayenne/lemonade thing. But a regular thing that makes me feel good every day? I think I can get behind that.

I know. I know. Now I'm a crazy Bikram convert. But seriously, I need something to look forward to that is different from everything else. I need something that doesn't mess with my spine or my blood sugar. So, for the time being, this is going to be it. Deal with it haters.

On another note, I moved back home last night. At one point, I had dirty laundry, clean laundry, food, all my eBay stuff, my briefcase, toiletries, and my post-yoga mat and towels all in piles in my super small living room. If the lighting were better in my apartment, I would have taken a picture. It was scary stuff.

Then I cried about turning 30 and laughed while watching Bachelor Pad. All in a day's work.

Scope of practice

Vintage 1980s Kermit the Frog Washcloth Puppet :)

This week, I was at the doctor's office (a non-diabetes doctor) and was the unfortunate recipient of some hard core ignorance, and from a place that it has no business being. Knowing the difference between Type I and Type II Diabetes should be a no-brainer for health care professionals. And if you don't, then don't make any statements that suggest you do. It bugs me when my regular diabetes nurse practitioner (who I see every three months) won't talk to me about anything except diabetes, but now I'm understanding a little bit more. She is recognizing the scope of her practice and refusing to speculate on issues she isn't competent in.

You have a job, so do your job. Don't try to tell people about their fertility if you aren't a fertility specialist. Don't talk about schizophrenia if you don't have an advanced degree in mental health. Don't give financial advice if you aren't an economist or an accountant.

Be exactly who you are, and don't be who you aren't. And don't apologize for not being everything to everyone. You're human. That's how it's supposed to be. There's nothing wrong with not knowing. There's nothing wrong with saying "I don't know", for being unaware, or ignorant. But what's not okay, is lying about it.

Belt buckles - Booyah.

Mim Di N (what does that even mean?!) belt buckle

This afternoon, my nurse practitioner, who is in charge of my diabetic care (obviously second in command), told me that something has happened to me that is so interesting, she is going to bring it up in her next case conference! How cool is that?! She said that one of the doctors at the practice is a diabetes nerd. I said, "I'm a psychopath nerd". She laughed. She got it. We had a moment of shared understanding. It's weird to have to be in school so long just to do what I want to do, the thing that my soul knows how to do.

Solid Brass-Made in Israel.

I made a thrift stop on the way home and have already listed everything I bought! How awesome is that? I was so productive today. I cleaned the yard for my party. I had help. We were amazing. Me and my tall friend made that yard our bitch. I was so proud, I had to keep going outside to look at it. There was so much dust, I kept blowing my snot all over the place. Disgusting. I was sneezing like a mofo.

Just to emphasize the awesomeness of this feat, I did not, as a rule, do yardwork until about a year ago when I found that it was cathartic. So me, doing yardwork, and getting injured (I got a palm thorn stuck in my hand) was some kind of proof to the world (and my parents, who am I kidding) that I'm not a loser. I'm a grown-up who does yardwork.

Booyah.

Post flea market meltdown

I feel so bad right now. The flea market was so much work, and not worth the time and energy in the end, which makes me feel like I can't keep doing this reselling thing. I'm fooling myself to believe that I can continue to support myself this way. I couldn't pay my rent this month. I had to ask for help, and now I feel like this thing that I love so much has quickly become the thorn in my side.

I feel like my needs are exponentially greater than I can possibly meet. I need a job with health insurance, but I don't qualify for jobs that offer it. I'm stuck with a masters degree and now I'm almost thirty and my body is falling apart, and I need health care more than ever, and I'm less able to get it every day. I have less than three months to solve this problem, and now it feels like the sky is falling.

I need to eat, but my body doesn't want to eat because it's hot and I feel sick, but my mood is directly related to my food intake.

That's all for now.

Actual Postscript: Um, I just looked over my posts over the last week and it appears that I am having a total breakdown. I'm not. I'm functional, but graduation has taken the wind out of my sails. This too shall pass, I assume, as it always does.

Feelings of lost-ness

Handmade Hmong quilted wall hanging

There is a deep melancholy that comes with graduating. My bachelors degree came and went, and I don't quite recall what I did afterwards. I kept my three jobs, and enjoyed quality book time and wandering the aisles at the public library. I think I mostly just lost myself in a terrible relationship that all started with a black string bikini and a Winnebago. I started training for an Ironman triathlon, and got diagnosed with diabetes and epilepsy.

Graduating didn't make my life fall apart, but it gave me less structure to cope when life did fall apart. I think I've created a significant structure now that will help to alleviate some of that lost-ness that I experienced eight years ago. Mostly I need to ride out the weirdness. Maybe I'll also go to the beach a couple times.

Universal health care is for commies.

 

Megan: "I would like to refill a prescription."

Pharmacy: "Oh, that seems like a normal request. Let us take care of that for you."

Insurance Company: "We do not believe that this person requires this prescription."

Pharmacy: "Oh, okay...Hey, Megan, the insurance company won't cover the prescription you've been receiving for the past ten years. They need more information about the status of your need for this prescription."

Megan: "It's for test strips, you know, for my chronic diabetes. I get them all the freakin' time."

Pharmacy: "We'll have to get back to you. In the meantime, try not to die."

"Natural" remedies

In honor of being sick, I give you a list of herbal remedies I use obsessively:

1. Crushed garlic (severe cold/flu)
2. Warm Garlic/Olive Oil blend (ear infection)
3. Goldenseal/Echinacea (moderate cold/flu)
4. Vitamin C (mild cold/flu)
5. Cranberry capsules (urinary anything)

When I was trying to cure myself of diabetes, and wasn't taking any meds, I used:

1. Cinnamon
2. Prickly Pear Cactus
3. Chromium
4. Taurine

On a normal day, I take the following (vegan overload):

1. Vitamin B Complex
2. Prenatal Multivitamin (for the extra iron)

A funny morning

I really needed lip gloss today. It was freezing, and when I looked in the mirror late morning, my lips were white. I already have light skin, so when I'm cold, my face kinda disappears. Not good.

There was a somewhat-nearby thrift store that usually has makeup with damaged packaging, so I went there, but there was nothing resembling lip gloss. At this point, I had low blood sugar and needed to drive across town, so I figured I'd go somewhere where I could find both orange juice and lip gloss. I only had enough time for one stop before my next appointment.

I found the solution to both of my problems at Big Lots: Fun bright lip gloss in a tube, and a gross package of raisins that I opened and started eating while standing in line. A kid in a shopping cart whining for candy watched wide-eyed as I literally stuffed my mouth with raisins.

Unfortunately, I am a stickler when it comes to fixing low blood sugar. I feel like I can't use it as an opportunity to eat crap, so sometimes I get frantic combing aisles for the healthiest sugar option. Add frantic combing for lip gloss (there was a cute guy involved), and you have a funny morning.

Totally freakin' out!

 

So I'm graduating soon, and I am having a moment of terrifying fear. Ack! So scary! What will I do? Where will I go? How will I get there? Will I be prepared? Who will be my friends when I arrive?

There was talk at the dinner table of me going online and finding a nice Canadian gentleman to wed and give me health insurance. There are non-crazies out there who would love to get with a nice Californian girl, yeah?

Thoughts, anyone?

Less pie.

$6.27.

That's how much I spent today. I think I'm doing better not thrifting compulsively. One of the hardest things is not buying things for other people. I have a friend I buy clothes for, a teacher I buy books for, and then there is the year-long gift buying. When I find something, I get it, and then I'm always ready when a birthday comes.

Now I am feeling calmer. Instead of buying all of the vintage Vogue sewing patterns that I found, I only bought the two most valuable ones. I'm so proud of myself. That viewing of Hoarders really did me some good. I also dropped off a box of stuff today for donating.

I am not compulsive. I am healthy and make healthy decisions. But I did eat too much sugar last night and the headache I woke up with was killer.

Next step in healthy decision-making: less pie.

Recycle yourself!

I love giving blood. I think that if there was one perfect activity to do on a Saturday morning, it would be giving blood. Giving blood is like the most beautiful thing. It's a gift that you can give over and over again, and can save lives. What's the downside? It is, at it's essence, a way that we can truly connect with other people, to give blood from my body to your body? That's intimate. I don't exchange bodily fluids with anyone, so blood was my outlet. Key word: was.

I used to give blood on schedule, every eight weeks or twelve weeks, or whatever the length of time is that they require you to wait. I would happily talk to the volunteer at the cookie table as we watched the news, or I read a magazine. I think I usually drank juice and stayed away from the cookies, but seriously, now, I'd dig some of those trans-fat-filled cookies anytime. Yum. It's especially awesome to learn about how that person came to be a volunteer at the blood bank, or what they do with the rest of their time. It's strange how fascinated I am by the whole process, but I just am, no particular reason. No one has ever given me blood, if that's what you're thinking.

Three years ago, I gave it up. I had to call someone to get a ride home because I couldn't drive myself. I was too dizzy, and had to lie with my feet up, or my head up, or something up, in order to make the phlebotomists happy. It was a sad day. I'd known that it was coming; I knew I had more trouble than most people. I knew that I did it out of some deep unspoken need, rather than a real ability. So giving it up was really sad. I still miss it.

I still get to give blood every three months, but that blood just goes to a lab for testing, then probably gets dumped as medical waste. It doesn't save lives. It just saves my life, I suppose. I wish saving my own life thrilled me the way saving someone else's did. Saving my own life just feels like the right thing to do. It doesn't make me beam with joy or anything. It just gets me to another day. Oh joy.

A spacey afternoon

I'm probably not thinking very well at this moment because I've [kind of] eaten lunch, but not really. I ate a protein bar and a large glass of vegetable juice, but no insulin, so I'm spacey, not low blood sugar spacey, just low calorie spacey; there's a difference.

When I'm anxious, or my life is just completely stressful, I have a lot of trouble eating. For a long time, this wasn't a problem. My hormonal imbalance was so crazy that my body didn't reflect how I was treating it. But now that everything is in right, working order, my eating troubles are becoming more obvious (no not to you, but they are to me). And I have to admit, that's not always something that concerns me. I like being thin. As a kid, I was indoctrinated into the "looks is everything" camp, and this metronome still clicks inside of me at a steady beat: "Be thin. Be beautiful. Be thin. Be beautiful [and so on and so on]."

There is no counter narrative here. This is really what I believe. Writing about it reveals some sort of ambivalence, sure, but not enough to act differently. This isn't something that I consciously choose like, "I'm not going to eat lunch today because I want to stay my lovely thin self." No; I think, "I'm not hungry. Bleh. But I have to take care of myself, so I'm going to eat what I'm able to eat, something that doesn't make me feel sick." The latter is my real adult self. The latter doesn't always eat burritos because she wants to. Sometimes she eats them because she makes herself.