Cover your damn mouth.

Awesome old Starbucks mosaic coffee travel tumbler :)

My friend, who works at a thrift store (to be distinguished from my thrift store friends, an entirely different category), has had an unfortunate number of encounters with fecal matter in her work. From people pooping in dressing rooms, to finding poop in donated clothing, working at a thrift store is a neverending battle with possible disease and the ever-present possibility of upchucking.

I've experienced vomiting children several times. There's nothing like walking into a thrift store, and smelling vomit. Lately, I've been on high alert for coughing children, the ultimate disease carriers. I'm trying to avoid the flu, and every time I see a child coughing, I immediately feel afraid and try to avoid them. And unfortunately, there are a lot of sick people around these parts. When I went out into the country last week, there were signs everywhere warning of a scabies outbreak.

I don't think of myself as a germaphobe, but I think I might be becoming more aware of how susceptible I am to illness, and how important it is for me to protect myself from infection, viruses, etc.

Anyhoo, hope you weren't eating just now :)

Boo. I'm unwell.

Ovenex-style Cake Mold - Starburst Pattern

I really wanted to go out of town today to hit up some stores I don't get to regularly. But I was in the office for thirty minutes when I realized that my energy was very low. I've been feeling lethargic the last few days, with a sore throat, but I haven't actually tried to do anything. So I was sadly disappointed when I realized that there would be no awesome thrifting today in a town far away.

I'm a big fan of listening to your body and giving it what it needs. Sometimes this means not doing something that you really "should" be doing, doing less when you want to do more. But as I always say to myself, "Do you want to be like the celebrities in the hospital for 'exhaustion'?" I even recently spoke with someone who had gotten into such a state that she had to be hospitalized because she'd been running herself ragged.

Anyhoo, it's cold and flu season. Prevention, prevention, prevention!!! That's my motto :)

Yeah right you're moving to Canada.

I've been keepin' this in the bull pen for today :)

People love to threaten to move out of the country if the candidate of their choice doesn't win the presidential election. Whatever. Seriously? Your life is that tenuous? Your life is so tied to your external environment that you wouldn't survive with a [insert opposing party here] president in the White House?

Well, here's a hopeful note from someone who's lived with less than she's wanted for a fair bit of time. Get over yourself. The world is not going to end tomorrow if you don't get your way (nor will mine - I have feelings too). Take some time today to remind yourself of all of the things that you already have, that comfort you in the bad times, and remind you of how beautiful life is in all of the other times. And maybe eat a cookie.

I'll be drinking beer tonight watching the results, maybe probably disenchanted, and maybe eating some sweet potato fries, because those are sounding pretty good right now.

Peace out mofos. See you on the flip side :)

The brain fog.

Tape dispensing machine. I love those pretty buttons :)

I am in such a brain fog right now. Yesterday was super windy here in my fair city, and our cherry tree broke in half. I heard something fall against my window, and walked outside to see what it was. By the time I made it to the front door, I'd forgotten why I was there. I didn't see the tree until someone pointed it out to me later. I went to yoga soon after, hoping that some static poses would do well for my static-filled brain.

Being out of school does not bother me. I can fill time like no one's business. But my brain is not my friend. I forget things. I can't think. I spend whole minutes staring at the ceiling. I used to do that because I was depressed. Now it feels like I'm resting my brain, but I haven't done anything to rest from. A friend, who also just graduated from a masters program, told me that her blood pressure was suddenly hovering at a ridiculously low level. I think that this is what biofeedback is all about. Our bodies are telling us that they need to rest, and even though it feels like a complete turn-about from where we've just been, it is a necessary part of the recovery process.

I was in school for the better part of five years, and I got pressed to limits I didn't know I had. So now, I'm just going to stare at the ceiling for a while, because I forgot what this paragraph was going to be about.

Peace out mofos.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

8oz Starbucks travel mug

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, and the ecstasy of it, you will discover that the world is transformed.

J. Krishnamurti

My old car, the one I sold, had a wonderful bumper sticker on it from Krishnamurti. I wish I could remember it, so I'm gonna go look it up. Oh yay! It was orange, and it said (in a fantastic purple font), "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society". It felt so Me, and I felt like it completely reflected who I am, or was at the time. I still think it reflects who I am, but now the car is gone, and the sentiment remains. I had a wonderful conversation last night about the Hunger Games (the movie, particularly), and I think that there was consensus that the world is a sick place, and not always for the reasons people think. Sometimes we ignore the real sickness so we can focus on the things that make us uncomfortable.

How's that for an inspiring post?! Go out and make the world a better place! Oh, I forgot to tell you all that while I was walking the dog last night, I found a discarded wicker coffee table in the alley and I carried it home like 3/4 of a mile in one hand, and the dog in the other. So now we have a patio coffee table and chairs, and the weather has been SO lovely that I want to be outside all the time! I need to walk down the alley more often. Oh, and I also think it's important to note that I will always be the person who picks up trash in the alley and makes it useful. That's just who I am.

Feelings of lost-ness

Handmade Hmong quilted wall hanging

There is a deep melancholy that comes with graduating. My bachelors degree came and went, and I don't quite recall what I did afterwards. I kept my three jobs, and enjoyed quality book time and wandering the aisles at the public library. I think I mostly just lost myself in a terrible relationship that all started with a black string bikini and a Winnebago. I started training for an Ironman triathlon, and got diagnosed with diabetes and epilepsy.

Graduating didn't make my life fall apart, but it gave me less structure to cope when life did fall apart. I think I've created a significant structure now that will help to alleviate some of that lost-ness that I experienced eight years ago. Mostly I need to ride out the weirdness. Maybe I'll also go to the beach a couple times.

"The Hunger Games"

 

In an attempt to avoid spending the evening staring at my bedroom ceiling, I went to see The Hunger Games with my friend and her eldest son.

I haven't read the books, for a couple reasons. The first time I heard about the series, and asked about the premise, I was horrified. Later, I spoke about the books with a different friend, and discovered the philosophical nature of the series. Sufficiently impressed, I decided to read the books over the summer during my decadent book-reading marathon which will commence soon after graduation (Obviously only after I've sobered up and begun sleeping in my own bed again--Ha! As if).

The movie was wonderful, and powerful, and disturbing. The crowd was awful, and horrible, and emotionally disabled. They laughed when they should have cried. I wept all the way home. I wept for our world, where violence is normal, and a brilliant concept like Hunger Games is misunderstood by the masses as some kind of thriller series.

I am saddened by the state of our world, where a film whose cinematography gave me a migraine could draw such delighted crowds, and so many mothers with children. I feel like I should take off all my clothes, cover myself in ashes, and shave my head. I feel like nothing I ever do is sufficient. There will never be enough. The beast of greed is insatiable.

Am I a white moderate?

It's only the beginning of March, but I'm tired. I'm ready for the school year to end. I'm ready to rest. Honestly, I'm less anxious when I'm not in school, more carefree. I feel no guilt for reading trashy books, and I feel no guilt for reading on my couch for days on end. Maybe I'll even do what I said I'd do last summer and put my hammock up in the backyard. Who knows what could happen?

I am feeling sick, but I want to stay up and watch more television and read more blog posts from my online friends. I think I need to parent myself and make myself go to bed early.

Martin Luther King Jr's "Letter from Birmingham Jail" came up today in a meeting. If you need some inspiration, I suggest reading it at some point. It's especially interesting to read what MLK had to say about "white moderates" and how they are blocking the path to true peace. It makes me wonder how I am behaving in this way. Am I ignoring injustice because it's inconvenient?

I'm gonna sleep on it. Peace out mofos.

"Natural" remedies

In honor of being sick, I give you a list of herbal remedies I use obsessively:

1. Crushed garlic (severe cold/flu)
2. Warm Garlic/Olive Oil blend (ear infection)
3. Goldenseal/Echinacea (moderate cold/flu)
4. Vitamin C (mild cold/flu)
5. Cranberry capsules (urinary anything)

When I was trying to cure myself of diabetes, and wasn't taking any meds, I used:

1. Cinnamon
2. Prickly Pear Cactus
3. Chromium
4. Taurine

On a normal day, I take the following (vegan overload):

1. Vitamin B Complex
2. Prenatal Multivitamin (for the extra iron)

Bootstraps, anyone?

 

This story kills me.

People offer us love, and we deny it. People offer us help, aid, and we throw it away, saying we'd rather find it ourselves. I have an image of a toddler in my head, practicing the art of independence-"Do it myself!"

There's a TED talk on vulnerability I'd like to watch today and perhaps respond to tomorrow.

Sometimes I say "yes", when I want to say "no", not because "no" is the right answer, but because I know that I am resisting the love of another person, wanting to avoid attachment. Sometimes we need to accept the love that is offered to us, even if it comes in a form that is unpleasant (e.g. I give my neighbors meat even though I don't believe I should; I buy Hershey chocolate because the man that put up my shelves asked for it, even though I believe that they practice slavery). Sometimes I think we need to take more time to make decisions. Sometimes those decisions will end up bringing us closer together.

And we need eachother. Life is tough, remember?

Shame in me

Shame is an awful thing. I can feel it in my chest. It's like a fist grabs my heart, and then wrenches it to the right. Ouch.

I am feeling shame at this very moment, and I am trying to talk myself through it. I feel the shame of a little kid who is tattling, something I don't directly remember doing, but imagine I did quite often. Doing the right thing is very important to me. And when I see it out there, possible, I want to grab it and make it mine. I want to own the essence of being right. I want to own it and let it define me. I want to be right. I want to be right. I want to be right. Ad infinitum...

Being right makes us feel safe. It makes us feel in control. When that is questioned, when we make small mistakes, we are struck with the uninvited wrenching fist in the chest.

I have to talk to myself often, remind myself that I am fallible, remind myself that I cannot know the right and perfect way to do everything. All I have is myself, and whatever faculties are available in that particular moment.

In all reality, I am human and flawed, and I never do the right thing. But so are you, so at least we're all in this thing together.

World AIDS Day

 

AIDS is so huge, and hidden, that we often forget how real it still is, that people are still suffering and dying, that whole countries in Africa are essentially being run by an orphaned generation.

Please don't choose to be apathetic and helpless today. Please do something.

As I focus my own advocacy and support towards Mennonite Central Committee, I will point you in that direction. If you already have something in mind, please comment on this post. I would love to hear what you do to honor those who suffer, who have died, who have lost, and who struggle each day to fight against oppression and racism and indifference and ignorance to fight the evil of HIV/AIDS. Please know that the most populated countries in the world are those most at risk for total devastation (e.g. India & China).

Please don't give up on caring. It hurts, and it's difficult, but it also makes you human.

A friend to all...

So now that I'm all into yoga, it seems appropriate to mention something else that I do that is oftentimes mentioned as a friend to the yogi, but is actually a friend to all: The Neti Pot.

Now I may indeed have majorly constricted sinuses, thus making me love nasal irrigation more than most, but let's all remember that snot happens to the best of us, and the clearer your head, well, the clearer your thinking, dreaming, creating, etc. I'm just happier in general when my sinuses are clear, which they're not from October to May, no matter how much I squirt water through them.

In case you don't have a Neti Pot, and don't want to go to the trouble of getting one, get a water bottle of some kind and watch this video; it should help you get started. If you want to go crazy and watch all the other stuff that's out there on YouTube, go for it. But for me, honestly, it's hard enough to do it myself, let alone watch other people do it.

So take a moment, this holiday season, to clear your sinuses with the power of salt and water. Someday, y'all will be old like me and we can dish about our physical ailments, but until then, I will enjoy reminding you all of your own mortality [wink].

Change for the better

 

Read this first. If you have time, after that, you can come back to me.

So I live in one of the most impoverished areas in the US. We actually have shantytowns. Yeah, they're small, and don't compare to any third world nation, but they're there, and they're real.

But add that to the startling heat of summer and unbelievably depressing fog of winter (the only two seasons we have some years), and the area doesn't appeal to the mainstream citizen (mostly the undocumented, if you really want to know). And why is this? Because we're lame? No! Because we began as a haven for sharecroppers and gypsies? Why yes! And it continues today (If you need background, just read Steinbeck's East of Eden).

So here we sit, a hole of depression and poverty; a big hole that sucks up all the smog from everywhere else. Yup. It sucks. So what are we going to do about it? Can we bomb all the prisons we house? Nope. Can we make everyone ride a bicycle everywhere? Too late for that (blame it on suburban sprawl). Can we make people happier? Probably not.

But we can do something: We can stay. We can commit. We can say "no" when we're pressured, both internally and externally, to flee the hell we grew up in. We can deny our human need for beauty elsewhere, dig our feet in, and fight for beauty here. We can choose to not ride the coattails of others and benefit from the creativity and vision of those who inspire us, and choose to be leaders here, in our own communities. We can choose the thing that has been thrown away by so many before us, that has been trashed by the media from coast to coast. Yeah, we're the Appalachia of the West. Do we succumb to that title, or do we defy it? Do we, as the educated thinkers and dreamers of our communities, leave behind the people and culture that have shaped us and made us who we are; or do we commit to returning the favor and reinvesting in our cities and towns who need people like us, people who care, in order to change for the better?

I choose to stay.

Take good care of yourself, please.

I am miserable. I am sick and feverish and miserable. I can't sleep. I can't eat. This day sucks. But as I write this, tomorrow is Monday, and I have to be present to my life. Being sick is not an option. So right now I am eating whole cloves of garlic. What do I have to lose?

I am a huge fan of herbal remedies. I've probably tried everything in some desperate moment. From age 18 to about 25, when I was diabetic and didn't know it, I was sick all the time. I was constantly trying to not be sick. Unfortunately, that didn't always work with infections and concussions. I became a huge fan of major doses of Vitamin C, and if tonight goes as planned, I'm going to add "eating whole garlic" to my daily health regimen.

It's really ridiculous to be sick, to know you're sick, and to have no one believe you. I'm just now starting to not feel sorry for myself every time I get a cold. I'm just now starting to not feel abandoned when I have to spend the whole day in bed sleeping. My life is becoming less determined by my moment-to-moment feelings, and more determined by my chosen path and chosen relationships. Also, I've learned that even when no one else takes care of me, that isn't a reason to not take care of myself.

Sorry, but the mucus in my head is keeping me from pontificating on what could really be high quality subject matter here. I will say this: Just because you're a hypochondriac doesn't mean you're not sick. It might, but not always. Listen to your body. Give it what it asks for. And even when you're alone and miserable, take the best care of yourself that you possibly can.

"Heal the world...make it a better place..."

Yup, I'm delirious. Peace out.