The Boys from Brazil

I realized this week that every movie that I watch that has violence, provides me with some sort of implicit social commentary on the nature of violence. If this were intentional, it seems like peace would be easier to achieve. If the Hunger Games trilogy is so popular, shouldn't we be seeing a peaceful revolution developing right in front of us? Some part of me thinks it is on the horizon, that somehow generations are being formed that will shift global consciousness towards peace and reconciliation. Or maybe I'm too hopeful for my own good.

Yesterday, I watched Red Dawn (1984), directed by John Milius, and starring a young Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen, and at the end of it felt like I'd watched a commentary on present-day Afghanistan. Young people are driven out into the wilderness during an attack on the US, and they become like cave-dwellers in the mountains, paranoid and hungry, willing to kill anyone who crosses them, even their closest friends. Isolation mixed with fear can produce some pretty nasty consequences.

Today I watched The Boys from Brazil (1978), directed by Franklin J. Schaffner. World War II themes combined with 1970s era South America? It sounds like a recipe for my perfect movie. Also, Steve Gutenberg was pretty hot as a young twenty-something ;) It answers the strange and wonderful question, "Should you kill baby Hitler, if you knew he was Hitler?" Fascinating movie about social engineering and evil intent.

I guess the more violence I see, the more senseless it becomes. Perhaps that's just my special brain working. I don't know any better; it's the only one I've ever had :)

The Whistleblower.

The Immaculate Heart of Mary by Bosseron Chambers

The Whistleblower (2010), starring Rachel Weisz, tells the story of a US citizen who revealed a massive sex trafficking ring in Bosnia-Herzegovina after the war of the late 20th century. She was employed by a private UK-based contractor, hired by the UN. While working on gender-related crimes (i.e. crimes against women), she discovered that there was massive organized slavery happening in Bosnia, sustained by the international community, who had been brought to the country to be peacekeepers.

When the Bosnian war was over, and the UN peacekeepers had moved in, the true war against evil didn't end. We use the word war to describe a confluence of circumstances in which the international community must take part. But there are no clear lines between war and not war. Real war never ends, just as true evil is never exterminated.

Kathryn Bolkovac, who Weisz portrays in the film, was a regular person in an extraordinary situation, and for whatever reason, she saw bad things happening and didn't look away. While I was watching the movie, I could hear a voice in my head saying, "dude, move on, this isn't your job", but she was a peacekeeper, someone hired to bring peace, and she took that job seriously.

If you have the power to see, it is a gift, and is not to be misused or ignored. It should be cultivated and honored, used for good. Ignoring the seer in oneself causes it to die, or lose strength. It is fed when we listen to it. We have all ignored things that are painful because we feel overwhelmed. But the far greater tragedy happens when we are all too preoccupied to pay attention to one another, when we no longer see suffering at all.

Bag o' bling: Part 1 :)

Six pound bag of jewelry from Salvation Army :)

On Monday, I went out to thrift just a little bit, because I didn't want to leave the dog alone for long, and it was a holiday so not all of the stores were open. Salvation Army had a 50% off all clothing sale, but I didn't buy any clothing. I bought some art and this here bag of jewelry.

Now Salvation Army employees are my favorite. They work really hard, and so many of them have told me how much they appreciate their jobs. Sometimes they recognize me and are a little too friendly, but this is not the norm. So Monday, I got in the only line available. All of the employees were taking the day to clean the entire store, so the only line available was with someone who I'd never seen before, selling fifty hardcover books to a well-dressed woman who appeared to be purchasing books for a model home or something.

Now the cashier was slow with the books. All she really had to do was count them, but for some reason she was ringing them up one at a time. The customer was being super patient too. Off to the side was a man with a scraped-up face, who smelled like cigarettes and looked like he may have been drinking. But he was smiling and not bothering anyone, just patiently waiting to buy a new shirt. So I got behind book lady, and the cashier starts to have an anxiety surge of some kind. She turns to face scrape man and says, "The line is over there!" and points to me. She says it several times because he doesn't move very quickly. He doesn't want to crowd model home woman, so he stands off to the side. The cashier starts yelling at him, "That's not the line! This is the line!" and points to me (we're dealing with a very small space, there are carts involved, and clothing racks in the way). I tried to be calm and encouraging to her. The guy was doing his best and not being a nuisance, but she was clearly disturbed by his face and smell and couldn't get over her fear of him. They reached some sort of detente when he started to get frustrated by her ridiculous demands, and she went back to the books.

In the middle of all of this, and a line of three people behind model home woman, a manager came over to get something and said, "Let me know if you need any help, k hon?" The cashier is in so much distress at this point that she can't even respond, and the manager walks away. Face scrape man yells "She needs help!" He rushes over to the manager, points to the cashier, and repeats, "She needs help!"

All three of us in line moved across the store to the other register. When I left, the cashier was still ringing up the books.

Please take a moment to read the most recent news about Syria, and consider making a donation to MCC, currently providing direct aid to Syrian refugees.

Goooood morning!

Art Nouveau Cast Iron Frame - Daydreaming Woman

It's 10:45am, and I'm just starting to feel awake. All my life, I have forced myself to be an early-riser, and now as an adult, I'm finding that that may not actually be who I am. I've just started watching this eBay shop for what they're selling, and have been enjoying looking over the art that they sell. I need to get a bunch of things together to ship this morning, and then I'm going to do some thrifting, see my Salvation Army pals.

I left pancake batter out for a couple days after I didn't use it all. After one day, it made good pancakes. After two days (i.e. just now, this morning), it was disgusting. Lesson learned. I may eat a lot of pancakes for a normal person who does not live in a diner. I'm okay with that. I decided a long time ago that if I want to eat pancakes, I will make them whole wheat/buckwheat, and I won't feel guilty. I will feel awesome for taking care of myself so well.

Someone confronted me about reselling over the weekend, and I responded without ire (very proud of myself for this). "Is that even legitimate?" "Yup", I responded, "without question". This is, at its essence, what all wholesalers do. Office Depot does not make all of its products. Junk warehouses make money from people digging through their wares. This is part of the economy. If you pay attention, it's happening all around you. Farmers sell their produce through stores. I'm all about buying direct, giving business to the little guy, and I'd like to remain in that role. I'd like to be the little guy who collects cool stuff to offer to people who happen to be looking for it, but don't have the time and energy to thrift constantly. I'd like to offer a service to people who love the hunt, but want to hunt on a larger scale (not everyone has thrift stores on every corner). Anyhoo, I was reinvigorated for my task at hand, and will enjoy the hunt that much more today (when I get off my butt and get down to it, of course).

I attend an amazing church that talks about refugees, and yesterday we talked about the Old Testament, the book of Jeremiah, and the realities of war refugees then and now. Please take a moment to read the most recent news about Syria, and consider making a donation to MCC, currently providing direct aid to Syrian refugees.

Rambling.

Vintage Wood Plaque - De Grazia - A Happy Day

So I think my new Friday afternoon activity will be spent combing through a humongous warehouse of old yard sale lots, cobbled together by a brilliant thrifter and vintage shop owner. I went in yesterday. They said they hadn't seen me in a while (I love it when this happens). I don't even think there's a ton of turnover in the areas I'm looking in, so it may not be worth my time to do this weekly, but it's soothing and therapeutic. There was an oldies station on, and I sang and danced my way through dirt-soaked aisles of junk. Ah, bliss.

I ended up not buying anything, because I only had a couple dollars worth of stuff, and I've been feeling a bit sick to my stomach for the past few days, and haven't been motivated to buy anything. Also, I got yelled at whilst purchasing a bottle of water and banana pre-warehouse digging that made me laugh, but also made me feel icky. "Rich white lady in your fancy car!"

Last day of the month for eBay sales! It's been a good month. At this moment, I've grossed $1165, and for me, that's a good month. I've been focusing on eBay time-wise and I'm glad that it's been paying off.

I turned on NPR this morning to listen to Car Talk, and ended up listening to an hour of pre- and post- coverage of Obama's speech on Syria (along with the speech, of course). Please take a moment to read the most recent news about Syria, and consider making a donation to MCC, currently providing direct aid to Syrian refugees.

Weekend camping :)

Lovely original vintage oil painting - I like it more the more I look at it :)

I spent last weekend up at the lake, a yearly tradition with my church wherein we all drive up on Friday evening, spend two days hanging out and doing whatever we want, and appreciate the time 'away from it all'. I was worried about all of the socializing I would inevitably be required to do, but then found myself loving 99% of it. I got to catch up with people I see all the time, but don't often have hour-long conversations with. I got to eat baked oatmeal and watch with interest at how much coffee all of the adults drank each morning. I got to kayak on a clear blue lake with a friend, and feel outdoorsy for the first time in ages. It was a lovely weekend.

Yesterday was spent recovering from all of the human contact by cleaning up my apartment, and listing stuff on eBay. I love my job, this whole reselling thing I do. I love the rhythm of it, the flexibility of it. I love that it is always changing, always shifting. It's been a good month.

Please take a moment to read the latest from the war in Syria and consider making a donation to Mennonite Central Committee, one of the few organizations providing direct aid to Syrian refugees.

Rummage Sale Planning - Part 2

This is possibly the most beautiful photograph I have ever taken.

So planning events is not something I am awesome at, not because I don't have experience. I have loads of experience. It's just the energy, and the neurotic stress I typically take upon myself. Stress makes me lose sleep at night, and then crash after the event for days, wishing I'd been more relaxed.

Now I have the opportunity to do that, to relax more, and stress less, to truly and fully adopt the persona I've been faking for so long: that I truly believe that everything will be okay, turn out well, etc. This involves not constantly thinking about said event, letting other people imagine things they would like to contribute, and not obsessing over the details. Because in the end, the purpose is to raise money, and that will happen. We will also add another life cycle to a piece of clothing or furniture.

Last but not least, we will raise awareness of a part of the world that has been largely forgotten (I mean, if we're not paying attention to our own wars, it makes sense that we wouldn't pay much attention to those we're only loosely affiliated with). So on that note, you can read here about what the sale will be supporting.

Love to all :)

Hug a veteran :)

A Charles Schultz ode to veterans on Armistice Day (11/11)

There was a purple station wagon in the parking lot when I pulled up to one of my favorite thrift stores this afternoon. It was dotted with silver-toned ephemera, lots of crosses. I got to meet the owner at the cash register, and I'm really glad I did. Turns out he was a POW in Vietnam, and the purple on the car matched the purple heart license plate. He was also covered in silver-toned ephemera, with a Western-style outfit and pristine cowboy boots. He said that he never sleeps, so he makes jewelry and decorates his car. It's his thing. I assume it keeps him alive.

This article reports that one US veteran suicides approximately every hour (average of 22 a day, higher than previous calculations). 'Purple Car Man' reminded me of how important it is for people to have something that they find joy in, that keeps them busy, helps them to find meaning, etc. Of course it's never that simple, but it's a big thing. It keeps blood flowing in important areas of the brain, encourages human contact, maybe even increases the input of sunshine.

I can imagine that when people come home from war, minor hobby-ish things seem incidental, perhaps even silly and a waste of time. But unfortunately, this way of thinking keeps the trauma of war close at all times, increasing paranoia, and disconnectedness.

Thought of the day: Hug a veteran :)

Why does life suck?

Um, because not all shoes are red?

Siamo angeli con una sola ala: possiamo volare soltanto abbracciati.

Luciano de Crescenzo

Someone asked me this question this morning, at the ungodly hour of "before breakfast", and I think it's appropriate for me, who is now in the process of eating breakfast (at my desk, quite happily) to answer the question, now having the adequate blood glucose level to form whole words and sentences (exceptionally long ones, it would seem).

I think that, more often than not, it behooves us to acknowledge the "suckiness" of life, to admit that disease and war and hate exist, and that each of us, in our own way(s), lives each day carrying the remnants of these past and present realities.

It's okay to accept that life is shitty. Sometimes I think that the only reason I am able to see true beauty, is because I can recognize how rare and special it truly is.

Much love to all :)

Delusional hope.

I can't decide whether to give these to my shoe-loving friend for Christmas.

I think I've decided (for a brief moment of time) to be hopeful, for the future, because why not? Hope might be silly, and embarrassing sometimes, but it's tangible. There is no ephemeral hope. There is only hope for change, hope for better, hope for something different already, geez.

I often hope for a day without war, without violence in name and deed. I hope for this because I believe that we, the people, have the power to change the world for the better.

There's nothing better for fostering hope than staring through the window of a moving car (or train, if you're so lucky). That's how I get recentered, I guess, seeing the same scenery I've been seeing all my life, the same highway, the same crazy religious signs, the same oleander bushes. And I think to myself, "Well maybe I could change, maybe things could change a little, and everything would be okay".

I have hope that emptiness will be filled, that loss would be redeemed, and that someday, everything will make sense already, geez.

Peace out :)

It's your life - own it.

When a relationship fails, it is never one person's fault, never. The unique quality of being human is that we keep coming back to each other, even though together we can make one another miserable. So it is that when a relationship fails, it's on both parties.

You chose to marry that person. You made choices which led to the relationship's demise. And now you must live with the consequences of that action. You married someone who left you? Yup, you participated in that. If you've been left, don't cry "Foul!" as if you are innocent in the demise of the relationship. Own it, people. Own it.

These are just some meandering thoughts I've been having. It's very important to me for adults to act like adults, to put the needs of their loved ones (especially children) above their own needs. That's what adults do. Adults are calm and firm in the midst of crisis. They do not call names; they are kind. Adults are not passive-aggressive; adults say what's on their minds, respectfully and plainly. They do not do these things because they are easy. They do them because they are the right things to do.

Being an adult is difficult. Being married is difficult. But it is what it is. It's your life. Own it.

World AIDS Day

 

AIDS is so huge, and hidden, that we often forget how real it still is, that people are still suffering and dying, that whole countries in Africa are essentially being run by an orphaned generation.

Please don't choose to be apathetic and helpless today. Please do something.

As I focus my own advocacy and support towards Mennonite Central Committee, I will point you in that direction. If you already have something in mind, please comment on this post. I would love to hear what you do to honor those who suffer, who have died, who have lost, and who struggle each day to fight against oppression and racism and indifference and ignorance to fight the evil of HIV/AIDS. Please know that the most populated countries in the world are those most at risk for total devastation (e.g. India & China).

Please don't give up on caring. It hurts, and it's difficult, but it also makes you human.

Costly, long-suffering, hope

After this weekend's horrible events in Northern California, I've really been struggling to hold on to my stringent peace position. I have made my life about the work of peace and justice in the world, and for the first time, I'm wavering. I'm beginning to understand those who call cops "pigs". I'm losing my grip on my own beliefs. When I see indifferent violence being carried out in my own world, to my friends, my brain gets fuzzy.

Please recognize that I know that there is horrific violence in the world every day. I know that in my being; I have known it my whole life. And short of banging on soft surfaces with my fists and screaming alone in an empty room, I am not a violent person. I don't believe in violence. I think it's silly, that we as a species would resort to harming one another to solve our problems. I actually don't understand it. I resist it in my very soul. But something changed inside of me when I saw that video on Saturday morning. Perhaps the door in my heart, that I'd shut long ago, had been opened, and I began to see that violence is not just something I hate, but something that is real.

This is not a naive experience for me. I was not born into my beliefs; I have had to earn them. And they have come at a very high price. Violence is real to me, but perhaps I've been looking at it with compassion all this time. I try desperately to understand the aggressor in every situation, to feel compassion for them, to find empathy for the pain that they must experience as a perpetrator, and then later as a survivor of that perpetration. But to see the indifference with which that cop calmly shook that can...my soul cannot contain it.

I wish that I could give you some kind of resolution to this issue (I myself have found a little here and here). I wish I could give you all the hope you need for your own life. That is my life's work. But today, I will fail you. I'm so very sorry.

We've been downgraded

So, we've decided to leave some things behind in Iraq. You know, the usual stuff that's difficult to ship via the US Postal Service: guns, tanks, port-a-potties. This seems like a good idea to me, giving to those in need and all. Although, I do hate guns (hate them) and don't think it's any good to just pass them along to someone else. But Iraq is going to maintain a military, no? So it suffices to think that they might be aided by our leaving some essential supplies behind. Or maybe we don't want to bring the mess home, and we're trying to leave it behind for someone else to clean up. That would be a horrible idea. Don't make your problem someone else's problem.

Like I tell the kids when they're "so bored" and start following me around with puppy dog eyes. "Don't make your problem my problem. Don't pout in my face." Come to me for help, or go spend some time thinking about different ways to solve the problem. Don't dump it on my doorstep (Wow, so harsh).

Yeah, leaving things behind is often a difficult task, especially if you plan to do it well. We all have to move on at some point in our lives; change comes and we have to embrace it. I am in the midst of some pretty darn humongous changes right now in my life, and I'm not embracing them, no sirree. I am digging my heels in, hanging on to the past. I know what's coming after graduation and it is not pretty. After the excitement wanes quickly, the depression and unemployment will set in; the loan officers will start calling, and I will still have the rest of my life to be single and help other people with their marriages (Oh, haven't I told you? I'm planning on being single for the rest of my freakin life, or until I turn sixty, whichever comes first.). Yippee!

These are dark days my friend, dark days. I wish someone would leave a tank in my backyard. Not really, since I wouldn't know what to do with it, but all the same, it sure would make me feel powerful for a whole five seconds.

3. The Chilean Coup of '73

Now to be fair, I am also equally fascinated by the Argentinean coup of the same decade (1976). And unlike yesterday, I will outline this love through film.

1. Missing: Jack Lemmon. Sissy Spacek. Disappeared people. Directed by Costa Gavras. Amazing. This is based on a non-fiction book of the same name, and is not explicitly about the '73 coup as it doesn't name names of the oppressors. It does, however, make clear the U.S. involvement in the matter, which is despicable. You can learn more about the disappeared here. It's interesting to watch an American film about U.S. citizens in Chile. It makes we wonder if that is why I cared to begin with. It really is difficult to overcome that intrinsic apathy towards people different from oneself.

2. Waking the Dead: Billy Crudup. Jennifer Connelly. This isn't a true story, but centers on the Catholic Church's response to Chile in the midst of the coup. It focuses on this through one particular American couple who disagrees strongly about the rightness of the interference. Is it right to smuggle people into the U.S.? Is it right to interfere in another country's disturbance? Note: Graphic sex.

3. Imagining Argentina: This is a film that is difficult to believe was even made. It is beautiful in so many ways, but incredibly raw and ugly at the same time. I commend the actors for their willingness to portray such an important topic: the disappearing of 30,000 Argentinean citizens by their military government between 1976 & 1983. This is also a book, which I own but have not yet read. Note: Graphic sex and torture.

War is ugly. I think that my own interest in South American coups might be linked to my own familial background and oppression. It's very difficult for me to talk about and think about my own family's suffering at the hands of a military dictatorship, but it's a whole lot easier to talk and think about things that are less connected to me and my life.

Note: The above photo is of the inland Amazon river shore. It was the closest I could get to Chile in my own photo collection.