The Boys from Brazil

I realized this week that every movie that I watch that has violence, provides me with some sort of implicit social commentary on the nature of violence. If this were intentional, it seems like peace would be easier to achieve. If the Hunger Games trilogy is so popular, shouldn't we be seeing a peaceful revolution developing right in front of us? Some part of me thinks it is on the horizon, that somehow generations are being formed that will shift global consciousness towards peace and reconciliation. Or maybe I'm too hopeful for my own good.

Yesterday, I watched Red Dawn (1984), directed by John Milius, and starring a young Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen, and at the end of it felt like I'd watched a commentary on present-day Afghanistan. Young people are driven out into the wilderness during an attack on the US, and they become like cave-dwellers in the mountains, paranoid and hungry, willing to kill anyone who crosses them, even their closest friends. Isolation mixed with fear can produce some pretty nasty consequences.

Today I watched The Boys from Brazil (1978), directed by Franklin J. Schaffner. World War II themes combined with 1970s era South America? It sounds like a recipe for my perfect movie. Also, Steve Gutenberg was pretty hot as a young twenty-something ;) It answers the strange and wonderful question, "Should you kill baby Hitler, if you knew he was Hitler?" Fascinating movie about social engineering and evil intent.

I guess the more violence I see, the more senseless it becomes. Perhaps that's just my special brain working. I don't know any better; it's the only one I've ever had :)

I love you, all of you :)

It's a belt buckle! Isn't it so pretty?

I've always been tall and awkward, and being thin makes me feel less like a total troll, but I still feel it sometimes. Early on, I developed a tough exterior to cope with the teasing I received throughout elementary school, all of which had to do with how I looked. How I look can bother me. It matters to me, because it is the thing that can either lead to teasing, or help me to avoid it. I like to pretend that I have control, even though I know I don't.

Last week, the day before Valentine's Day, two thrift store employees had gotten off their shift and were looking through the lingerie to find something special. One was totally committed to the project; the other, less so and was berating herself in front of the mirror we were sharing, "I can't wear this!", My butt would look too big and he'd be distracted by it!" And for whatever reason, I felt like it was my responsibility to tell this woman, emphatically, that there was nothing wrong with her, or her body, and that anyone who thought so had a problem. So I did. And she listened. I felt good about myself.

I wish I had never been the recipient of someone telling me that I was fat, or ugly, or disgusting. I wish that no one ever did. But for whatever reason, most people have felt these things, experienced these things, and then we all, collectively, internalize those messages and believe them about ourselves.

So I am now taking brief moments, all the time, in thrift stores, to send positive messages to women trying on clothing, to join with the sisterhood, so to speak, in an effort to turn the tide, however slightly :)

Daaaaaaamn girl! You look gooooood.

Bye bye Bikram :(

Last Thursday or Friday, I drove the 20 minutes up the freeway to the Bikram studio, but there was weird traffic on the thoroughfare, making me late, which meant that I was locked out of class. And suddenly, in a moment, I had my answer: Bikram is not for me. My entire life is made up of appointments and being at the right place at the right time for other people. I need a place where I go just for myself, where I don't add stress to my day and life rushing (and no, I'm not in a place to dedicate more time over and above the already lengthy process).

My blood sugar has become so bad, and so unpredictable, that it isn't worth it. I had begun to imagine that my immune system was being activated, and perhaps even healing me, but my immune system being stimulated doesn't heal me. It hurts me. And I just have to accept that.

Thank you Bikram, for making me get in touch with my spine. Thank you for pushing me past limits I didn't know I had made for myself. Thank you for being a bad ass. You made me, for a brief period of time, feel like a bad ass too. Now I'll have to find other ways.

Peace out.

Lisbeth Salander :)

She can't fight who she is!

I've been reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, and I'm on the last book right now. These books pretty much sum up my love for recycling, and my love for people. I love the people who've been discarded and who rise above the trash they've been disposed into, and make lives of functionality, and sometimes even meaning.

Lisbeth Salander is not my doppelganger, exactly. Our situations have some pretty strong similarities, but I spent the past decade getting over my anger and trying to make my life worth living. But her refusal to let people in, her well-guarded interior combined with a tough exterior - that was me as a teenager. It was a necessity, and I wore it with intention. Letting people really see me and really love me took a very very long time, and along the way, I lost some good people. I also lost some not-so-good people, but I don't cry too much about them.

I wish I could really explain to everyone I meet where I come from and who I am, because those things make me who I am. They make me understandable and lovable. But, so is every other person in the world. So, it's a draw. We're all worthy of love. No one deserves to be thrown away.

In the Name of the Father

Today, we are told that the killings in Syria have again crossed the lines of the imagination. People are being killed execution-style in their homes and safe houses, and government officials say that each and every person was killed as a part of a terrorist sweep.

War changes people. I've seen it in my own life. It creates mental illness in numbers too large to imagine, and it's so ugly, all most of us can do is turn our eyes away so we don't have to see the ugliness. People who are tortured, people who see their friends murdered - these people are forever changed. This is why soldiers returning from the Middle East commit crazy crimes, and kill themselves. They are terribly wounded by what they've seen, and what they've done. War brings out the worst in all of us, and we pass the worst parts of ourselves on to our children, and our children's children.

Peace is difficult. It is painful and sacrificial. But it is the only way we can survive without killing our own souls. It's the only way we can create a world that is worth living in, a world that is fit to give to our children.

That's all I have for today folks. You can help Syrian refugees in tangible, practical ways by giving to Mennonite Central Committee, who provides material resources to refugees in Jordan.

100% Dog Person :)

So yeah, there are two kinds of people in the world: cat people and dog people. I've found that cat owners who own dogs, and vice-versa, still have a favored species between the two.

Well, I was raised to be an animal-hater. My mother allowed us to have animals because my stepdad loved dogs, but the dogs in our house were not treated very well. We weren't allowed to love them, and so I grew up not really caring too much about them. Dogs are meant to be loved and played with and cuddled with.

When I was about twenty-five, I met this dog, and that girl changed my heart, opened it wide open, and made me a crazy, talks-to-strange-dogs-on-the-street, dog lover. And when another dog came into the house, I thought my heart couldn't possibly open up to a whole other animal, but it did, and I fell in love a second time. They taught me how to love unconditionally, and they showed me that I was worth loving. It was a very symbiotic relationship.

I don't live with those two anymore. We were inseparable for a few wonderful years though, and I still go to visit them when I can. When I first got my car, we went to the beach, because one of my dreams in life was to see them see the ocean. It was all I had dreamed it to be :)

I can't ever be with a person who doesn't love dogs as much as I do. It's at the top of the list, along with some other things that I imagine a list should contain (like more than one thing), but nothing is springing to mind. It's entirely possible that that is all I really want in a partner. I'm a simple girl.