An imperfect life.

I ridiculously love Degas, and have since I was a kid

I've been trying for a long time to have my perfect life, to be the perfect me, to get to the edge of my potential. Is it possible that I've been trying so hard to be awesome that I've neglected how awesome I already am, just as I am?

I've recently learned that I'm a pretty attractive person. Heretofore, I still held the beliefs bestowed upon me as a child: that I was annoying, dressed like a man, had terrible hair, and just generally looked horrible all the time. So naturally I assumed these things meant that I was ugly, and unlovable. Funny thing is, I'm not ugly, and I'm pretty damn lovable. All of that time spent believing the lies made me create a persona to cope with the ugliness. Everything I wear is an attempt to not look decrepit. I avoid certain hairstyles because they accentuate my utter awfulness. I exercise and eat healthy because it keeps me from looking horrifyingly ugly.

But now I know these things are a lie. Every. Single. One. So now what? How do I find out who I really am under all of the things I've put on to keep from showing the world the ugliness underneath? How do I become someone who is completely herself whilst still communicating health and well-being in my professional life? Where is the perfect middle and how do I get there?

And what happens if I stop striving for perfection altogether?

Avoid extremism!

Holy freakin' shit! Didn't know what I bought - listed for $250 on eBay.

When I meet new people who also love thrift, I often get asked the question, "What's the best store in town?" And, unfortunately, I can never offer a succinct response. "Well...it depends," I say, knowing that everyone thrifts for different reasons, and I can't possibly predict what's perfect for you. That being said, I'm beginning to recognize in myself a distaste for labels. What does best even mean? It certainly means something different to you than it does to me. I find that I make more friends when I allow every person I meet to have their own favorites, their own tastes.

Um, solid brass Eiffel Tower? So cool!

I'm an extremist by nature. I have to catch myself, watch my behavior, make sure I don't start living on green smoothies and doing yoga constantly. Because that's the goal, right? We're all supposed to be walking towards more perfect versions of ourselves? Meh, I don't agree. In fact, I disagree quite strongly.

I think we're all okay just the way we are, that of course over time, we will all grow and change, but that doesn't mean that we are worthless or not good enough as we already are.

Egyptian-ish choker collar necklace

So yeah, it usually takes me until after 3 o'clock to eat lunch, even though I'm hungry before that. I am oftentimes too stressed about something small to get a good night's sleep. I cried at a party yesterday for no reason and constantly say inappropriate things in polite company.

There are a hundred other things that make me imperfect, and one by one I work on them over time. I've been doing this my whole life, working on becoming the person that I want to be. I don't expect that person to look anything like anyone else or to save the world or be everything to one other person. I recognize that I am human, and flawed, and imperfect, and I'm quite okay with that. I'm okay with eating dinner with my small group when there is milk and bacon in the soup (omg. Best clam chowder of all time), not because I'm all awesome and hospitable, but because damn, even I have to let go of my rules sometimes. Of course, this is probably scarier than the other option, to create rules for everything so I can always feel safe. But it's that kind of safety that gets terrifically overrated, that people strive for so that nothing ever changes, so they feel no pain. But change is constant, and pain is a reality, and we're all in this together. Blah, blah, blah. Speech over.

I needed to give myself a pep talk, so I wrote it down - cheers y'all :)

Huge eBay Sale!

Vintage Kitschy Milk Glass Mug - gotta have 'em :)

Note: In honor of this Tennessee coffee mug, here's a couple "I heart TN" songs to enjoy :)

My shoulders have been really tight over the past couple weeks, even after I went to my favorite $19 massage place (where I've realized that they act confused every time you ask for the special, and try to change your mind so you pay more money - not gonna happen). So the tight shoulders made me think about stress, made me think about clenching my teeth, made me think that I left my bite guard at home a month ago when I started housesitting, and maybe it's time for a new one. So yesterday, I bought a new one. Good work, Megan.

Some sort of whiskey + coffee recipe on the back :)

I've been really stressed about money, like constantly worrying about it, and I imagine that this has contributed to the stress I'm feeling in my upper body. I've been worried about the month of July for like six months, which is crazy, right? I've been worried that this July will be like last July, where I made like $500 and couldn't pay my bills. Well, for whatever reason (pure brilliance, perhaps?), I looked around my super-crowded apartment (on a quick trip home to send orders) and realized "Holy shit! I have a lot of stuff in here." I've been working so hard to increase the base number in my shop that I haven't really sifted through the lot to get rid of stuff that hasn't sold.

Anyhoo, I decided that July is the perfect time to have a huge sale in my eBay shop, and clear out stuff that just hasn't sold. And it's been so great! I'm getting rid of stuff. I'm getting momentum, eyes on my stuff, people browsing around. I love it! I'm realizing how necessary it is for me to clean out the attic, so to speak, to clear out my shop, my head, my body, to be willing, at least once a year, to make a change in the status quo, and grease the wheels of my gosh-darn life.

Thanks for stopping by - come again soon :)

Rummage Sale Planning - Part 3

Very unique vintage square dance skirt - just sold :)

When I was in college, I was really interested in event planning as a career. So I got into large-scale athletic events, events that get planned all year long, take a lot of human power and time, and are fun to participate in. I ended up on my knees one year in San Francisco, taking ankle monitors off of hundreds of open-water swimmers as they came out of the water, freezing and exhilarated. That was a good hair day, the last one I can remember clearly. I think it was the salty sea air.

Rummage sale planning is very different. There isn't a lot of "planning" that I'm able to do on my own. I have the idea. I execute the idea. People come alongside me to help, and somehow it happens. If I were more organized, I imagine the sale would be more organized. I don't know how to make that happen. I'm sure that other people do. For the time being, people will bring things to church this week, I will spend Thursday and Friday organizing the donations, and several hours on Saturday trying to sell it all. That may not be enough for some people, but it's enough for me.

Last night, while running an errand for a friend, I happened to pass by one of my favorite burrito places. The sign was down and the place was empty. I haven't eaten there in months. I guess unbeknownst to me, I'd been keeping them in business ;)

I love you, all of you :)

It's a belt buckle! Isn't it so pretty?

I've always been tall and awkward, and being thin makes me feel less like a total troll, but I still feel it sometimes. Early on, I developed a tough exterior to cope with the teasing I received throughout elementary school, all of which had to do with how I looked. How I look can bother me. It matters to me, because it is the thing that can either lead to teasing, or help me to avoid it. I like to pretend that I have control, even though I know I don't.

Last week, the day before Valentine's Day, two thrift store employees had gotten off their shift and were looking through the lingerie to find something special. One was totally committed to the project; the other, less so and was berating herself in front of the mirror we were sharing, "I can't wear this!", My butt would look too big and he'd be distracted by it!" And for whatever reason, I felt like it was my responsibility to tell this woman, emphatically, that there was nothing wrong with her, or her body, and that anyone who thought so had a problem. So I did. And she listened. I felt good about myself.

I wish I had never been the recipient of someone telling me that I was fat, or ugly, or disgusting. I wish that no one ever did. But for whatever reason, most people have felt these things, experienced these things, and then we all, collectively, internalize those messages and believe them about ourselves.

So I am now taking brief moments, all the time, in thrift stores, to send positive messages to women trying on clothing, to join with the sisterhood, so to speak, in an effort to turn the tide, however slightly :)

Daaaaaaamn girl! You look gooooood.

Books are awesome :)

These old mugs are super fun, not for any particularly funny reason though :)

So having school be the top priority in my life over the past five years, I have whittled my life down to the bare necessities: eating, yoga, occasional sunshine, writing, and paying the bills. These things have kept me sane in a very rocky, turmoil-filled time, and I made it! Yay! But now, all of that stress and constant need-to-perform is over, and I'm left with this emptiness in my life that I have to figure out how to fill.

It's not that my life is bad, or that I'm lacking in love or nurturing in some particular way, but some other inertia that I no longer have. I no longer have an ever-present goal I'm reaching for. And that creates a displaced feeling in my soul that I can't quite rid myself of.

So I've been reading The Hunger Games trilogy like a madwoman. I stayed up 'til midnight last night reading like my younger nine-year-old self. I'm funny that way with kid books. I do the same thing with Nancy Drew. When I lived in the jungle, I stayed up so late, I had to use a flashlight in bed to keep reading. Nerdin' out. Like a mofo.

And I shall write.

Isn't this an amazing mug? I wish I could give it to everyone.

Esperanza means to wait -

Oh if I'd known this alternate definition,
I'd have suffered patiently,
to wait for healing, and precision

God exists within this pain -
she, triumphant in this waiting tumult,
years passing with each day

Inside my cold and wasting heart,
blossoms bud in silent reverence
for this Abba others cast away,
to ease their confusion, disbelief

I am quiet in my closet,
marking down with lines each day,
waiting for my esperanza - hoping God will find her way

I wrote this poem a few years ago, when life was bleak and I wanted something to hold on to. I was looking for God, or meaning. I was looking for a reason for pain. And I found that sometimes there are no reasons, that to truly accept the depth of evil, deep down in your soul, is suicide, and all we can do sometimes is love one another, and speak truth, and hold hands, and all that good mushy gushy hippie stuff.

Much love.

Haiti relief - Part 1

This has been lookin' pretty on my dress form lately :)

There's a This American Life episode about Haiti (written transcript here) I reference frequently. It's about relief agencies, mission organizations, and NGOs working in Haiti over the last several decades, and how it appears to have affected the nation. In sum, Haiti's economy has gotten worse, significantly worse, as the number of aid organizations in the country has increased exponentially.

The problem is that missionaries, for many years, have given to people what people should be able to provide for themselves. For whatever reason, the served became unable to serve themselves (war, famine, disease, etc.), and very well-meaning people come in to help. But the mere act of helping changes the very human dynamic of day-to-day life, and over time, changes the way people function overall, changing their beliefs about themselves and their own abilities and capacity.

After the 2010 earthquake, billions of dollars from around the world went to Haiti. But relief was slow. It was almost as if the nation itself could not rebuild, because they'd been trained not to. The following excerpt from the TAL episode describes the ideal solution:

...You teach the people of Haiti how to do all these things. You use this rebuilding process to give Haiti the ability to build itself...This option, capacity building, do I even need to say it? It takes a long time and it's really, really hard. You need foreign money and you need Haitians to believe in the projects and to participate fully...

It's a complicated problem with an equally complicated solution. Change is difficult. A doctor is interviewed in the episode. He does the very hard work of allowing Haitians to fail in hopes that they might learn from their mistakes (as many of us do), and that these failures would result in greater systemic strengthening. Worst case scenario for this doctor? People die.

Haitians are not the victims in this situation. We all play a part, and Haiti's situation is cloned around the world. People feel sorry for other people...and so it goes.

I like to use the word 'freakishly'

I am occasionally overly optimistic, and freakishly committed to people who hurt me. It's an endearing quality in my mind, but it can put me in dangerous situations, situations that truly jeopardize my physical and emotional well-being. And then, on the flip side, is the reality that people we love will inevitably hurt us, and vice-versa!

One moment in my life that I will never forget is this awful fight (years ago) I had with my best friend. She was yelling, calling names. I was crying, begging her to stop. I was hurt, disappointed, and totally confused. She loved me. I loved her. How could something so awful happen (and it was awful)? That was a turning point for me in my ability to forgive, and in my ability to really see people three-dimensionally, and to accept that the people who love us will probably hurt us more than anyone else, and it's up to us to decide what to do about that. Do we throw away relationships after one horrible fight, or do we do the hard work of repairing?

After that fight, I've began to notice that close relationships aren't as perfect as I'd once imagined them to be (or fantasized about them being). For example, a few months ago, I had a total meltdown and yelled at a few friends in a not-so-kind way for trying to do something helpful for me. I had to get a major talking-to, and I had to eat it big time. For whatever reason, it was so difficult to admit that I was wrong. I had a right to be mad! They were wrong! But that wasn't what the situation was really about. It was about protecting relationships that mattered to me. And that was worth more than my ego.

Just something I'm chewing on today. Peace out :)

Lisbeth Salander :)

She can't fight who she is!

I've been reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, and I'm on the last book right now. These books pretty much sum up my love for recycling, and my love for people. I love the people who've been discarded and who rise above the trash they've been disposed into, and make lives of functionality, and sometimes even meaning.

Lisbeth Salander is not my doppelganger, exactly. Our situations have some pretty strong similarities, but I spent the past decade getting over my anger and trying to make my life worth living. But her refusal to let people in, her well-guarded interior combined with a tough exterior - that was me as a teenager. It was a necessity, and I wore it with intention. Letting people really see me and really love me took a very very long time, and along the way, I lost some good people. I also lost some not-so-good people, but I don't cry too much about them.

I wish I could really explain to everyone I meet where I come from and who I am, because those things make me who I am. They make me understandable and lovable. But, so is every other person in the world. So, it's a draw. We're all worthy of love. No one deserves to be thrown away.

All the way to the end

I have taken the week off of thrifting and have committed to getting more of my inventory (i.e. overflowing box in my living room) listed. It seems to be going fairly well, if you don't include the rude intrusion of various humongous problems that shall not be listed here. I spent all of Monday photographing and listing, and that went very well. I have noticed, however, that there is a certain point where I have so much stuff that I have difficulty finding an item that has already been bought and paid for! When I had 100 items in my eBay shop, this was never a problem. But for some reason, 150 crosses that invisible line.

I have a couple dresses that need to be photographed. This photo reminds me that one of them is a vintage wedding dress. I tried to photograph it once before, but I just couldn't find the right light and surroundings to do it justice.

Now here's the important stuff that has nothing to do with the thrift store aspects of thrifting, prompted by the recent shootings in Seattle, by which my community has been affected directly: Life is really, really crappy, and life is really, really wonderful, and it's all jumbled up together in a big indistinguishable blob where you don't know which end is up, and whether suicide is a good option, or the stupidest option of all. In life, we will experience losses that will change us forever, scar us forever, and that is just how it is. There will always be grief, and there will always be loss, and our job sometimes is to ride the wave smoothly, even when the pain is unbearable.

Record setting day :)

Thorvald Marthinsen Scandinavian Sterling from Norway

Record listing to selling time: 3 minutes

I listed these spoons at a reasonable price, because I wanted to sell them quickly. I just didn't know how quickly. I'm so proud of myself for taking the time to find all the marks. 

NM: Norsk Monster
N: Norway
830S: Scandinavian Sterling Silver
Chalice/Goblet: Thorvald Marthinsen Solvvarefabrikk (1900-1925)

I think I've made some big gains over the past month or so. I've been selling fewer low-priced items, and that was difficult to do at first. First of all, I have had to work really hard to learn what to look for. Then I had to take lots and lots of risks, and allow items to sit in my shop for months. I had to be confident that I had listed the item at a fair price for its value. I definitely had a few bad days over the weekend. I lost my confidence big time, and I was starting to doubt myself. Self-doubt is normal, and sometimes I need to take those moments of self-doubt to remind myself that all is not lost.

Patience, friends.

One fatal flaw

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.

Maya Angelou

I am obsessed with keeping my computer clean and orderly. And in the past two weeks, this has come back to bite me in the ass, and not in an ass-scarring kind of way, but an ass-maiming kind of way. I lost an editing job I spent a day working on. Tonight, I lost a page of notes from meetings that cannot be recovered. I just spent the last half-hour going through the recycling bin and putting together the puzzle pieces of the printed copy I'd torn up (the details really don't matter).

I can't keep living this way. I can't keep obsessing about "computer baggage". I need to start holding on to things, not because they're important, but because it puts me in the mindset to hold onto things so that when something actually important comes around, I don't act like a dipshit and throw it away.

Dear self - In an attempt to protect yourself, you've created a world where you leave no trace, where you quietly enter and exit rooms so that no one notices you. And for a time, that was a good skill. It kept you safe, and you did a really good job staying safe in very dangerous and ugly situations. But now, life is different, and you don't need to cover your tracks anymore. You can leave footprints. You can be visible. It's going to take some time, but this is a first step. Buying a jump-drive is probably sufficient, but you might need to purchase an external hard drive. I'm sorry that this lesson has been so painful and stressful. Life lessons often are. But don't beat yourself up over it. You did the best you could. Now, you know better, and you're gonna do better. Much love. - M

Got anything layin' around?

Do you have something around your house that takes up a lot of space, but has no purpose? Read this article (or just glance at the title) and watch the accompanying video. You may be inspired.

Of course, this was an interesting story to me because I live in California, and when one flies over pretty much anywhere in our lovely state, one will immediately recognize the number of swimming pools we have in our backyards. When I lived in San Diego County, our neighborhood had a shared community pool, and it was big and deep and always the perfect temperature. I think there was also a spa/jacuzzi. It was fun. It was a place to see friends. I enjoyed it.

I'd like to see more communities planned in this way. Obviously, in my old neighborhood, we swam at the pool year-round. Where I live now, pools are used less often because our winters are not conducive to winter swimming. We lie at the extremes, temperature-wise. So here's my thought: why not put that space to good use, like the family in Arizona? Why not create more shared spaces, and fewer individual spaces that can't be shared neighborhood-wide?

This is just a thought. I don't know how I can make this happen. I have a negative amount in my bank account. What do I know?

The double bind

I really wish I could take this lot on a beach vacation :)

The web is full of women and girls telling the world how thin they are (or want to be), how clean their house is, how awesome their kids/husband are, and how much Jesus loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. And in some ways, I'm totally into it. I like "miracle" recipes for carpet stains, and I think the female body is one of the most beautiful things we'll ever see. But I really hate it when I see anything along the lines of "You are single because God is busy finding the perfect man for you."

Maybe I'm subconsciously bitter, and taking it out on hopeful twenty-somethings who feel burnt by men. I really don't think this is the case. I just wish that all of this energy was put towards something more meaningful. Partnering is meaningful, but only to a point. There's a whole wide world out there, and sometimes it makes me sad to see loads of people playing into their aesthetic fantasies, showing off their "perfect" families and homes as if this is the point. It's not.

This isn't a finished thought. I haven't eaten breakfast yet, and I'm trying to recreate a thought that began last night after looking at Pinterest. People aren't evil, and they aren't intentionally oblivious, but sometimes they make me crazy. I can also be pretty judgmental. I'm trying to be an adult, and sometimes that feels awesome, and sometimes it feels really lonely. Here I am at the end of my education, and the beginning of my professional career, and all of my old friends are in a different place. They're happily married and nesting, and I'm living in a garage and freezing at night.

It's hard to know that I waited ten years to tell the person I loved how I felt, and he just walked away.

First Post of 2012!

When I get stuck, I blog. I'd been posting every day for months last year, and towards the end of the year, I ran out of steam.

Well, I've been thinking sporadically about my senior paper now for weeks and haven't been processing it anywhere, so here I am again at the place where I do my best thinking. It may not be pretty at first, but hang tight, I'll get back into the swing of things before you know it.

It's January 2012 now, and December 2011 is behind us. Interesting things happened last month. Here are a few of my favorites:

• I intentionally took time off from work - Wowzah!
• I got attacked at a Hanukkah party by a crazy alcoholic - And successfully spoke my mind!
• I acted like a teenager and started watching Roswell - Sci-Fi baby!
• I sold a lot of stuff on eBay and Etsy - Best sales month ever!

Here are a few of my favorite Christmas presents:

• A Daniel Day-Lewis movie
• An Etsy favorite nude that I've been admiring for ages
• Money for thrifting that I've already spent, and quite happily

The thoughts I am having for my senior paper revolve around being human, experiencing unwanted or "negative" emotions fully, and acknowledging grief. I have ideas, but I don't have a plan. I have a graduation date, but I don't have a clear road-map for how I am going to get there. I feel unsettled about many things, and the future is only looking more and more murky as the days go by. Bleh.

All in all, taking a vacation has only been excruciating. I so depend on feeling productive that when I intentionally stop doing anything, in order to rest and regroup, I do not rest; I get depressed and confused. I get cranky and easily frustrated. Everything and everyone makes me unhappy. At some point, I ease into it, but by the time that happens, it's time to return to my regular scheduled programming. Damn it all.

Welcome back! I hope that some time in the new year, you find rest for your soul, time to reflect upon life and love and where you are in the world. At the very least, light a candle, and thank your higher power for another year of life, however thankful you may actually be. Living is always hard, but it's also sometimes beautiful, and that's worth another year.