Celebrate good times, come on!

Vintage Tiki Hula Girl Boob Mug from Harvey's

I've spent the morning researching PhD programs outside of California. Those non-resident fees are astronomical! Don't bother getting a PhD without getting a research or teaching assistant position, which will likely give you automatic resident status and give you a stipend or scholarship in return.

I don't want to be a "doctor" per se, but I continue to run into the reality that I think in a research/clinical way, and my work does not particularly allow me to pursue these things actively. I love to research and write. I don't necessarily want to do tests on people, or rats, or monkeys. I just want to write about the thoughts in my head. I think that's a reasonable goal for a doctoral program - Dear Dean of Admissions, I'm brilliant and I need to share it with the world. Please accept me. You won't regret it. You'll be happy you did.

I tried to do this as a seventeen-year-old applying to the honors program at my university. It didn't work out so well. It made sense to me, but I guess they diagnosed me with narcissism, and threw the essay away. I'm struggling a lot with self-doubt right now, and will be spending the next two weeks trying to work through that. I don't think I want to go back to school. I think I just want to go to Montana, and meet some lumberjack with a thick beard who will appreciate my intellect, and write poems about trees.

Actually, I'm less interested in men than I ever have been. It's pretty wonderful. I highly recommend it. I think I've dealt with some issues surrounding my feelings of inadequacy about being single. Or maybe I'm just pretending. Who knows?

Anyhoo, good to have you. Please come again :)

Ah, vacation...

Hey, I'm hip and down with the Southwest vibe...

All great and precious things are lonely.

John Steinbeck, East of Eden

 
So I'm not a frou-frou coffee drinker. I've had moments in time where I have been, but all-in-all, I like it strong and I like it black, and I enjoy most diner coffee. I'm not picky.

But I had a class at night a couple years ago, and found that after a full day of classes, the best way to get through was to walk to the coffee shop at 7:30 and buy a soy mocha. I wasn't flush with cash, but I did it because it worked. It kept me awake, and it gave me something to look forward to. It was my self-care.

This week, I am in the presence of greatness. I am living with the Ferrari of espresso machines. It tells you what it needs at any given moment. It makes espresso at the touch of a button. It taught me how to make foam, and I have never made foam in my life.

Anyhow, it's made me think that when I am far older than I am today, and I have some sort of discretionary income, I will purchase one of these bad boys (hey, I even found some used on eBay), and be in general, a happier person overall.

Funny how small things can do that, huh?

I guess I'll make do.

I've talked about finally selling the bike. Well, here she is, in all her glory :)

So being "thrifty" or "frugal" or, I dunno, drawn to simplicity, means that you'll probably come across things in your life that you want or need that you don't have access to. Or maybe you've lived in the West all your life, and this concept is foreign to you (you probably aren't reading my fascist commie blog then). But just as I am drawn to apocalyptic television (um, BBC's Surviviors? Fantastic), I am drawn to the idea of making more with less.

Well, sometimes this is not about making chocolate chip cookies with 100% whole wheat flour (which I've done - bleh), or riding your bike when you sold your car (thus the above bike being in my possession), but about relationships being imperfect and going without the things you want and need. I wish this weren't the case. I wish I weren't an idiot a lot of the time, and instead, said and did the right thing at the right time. I wish it weren't so difficult to repair the damage I've done with things I say. But instead, I have to make do with what I've done. I have to accept that life is imperfect, and I'm imperfect, and sometimes (most of the time), I use the wrong ingredient in the cookies, and I say "sure whatever" when I should be saying "I love you".

Making do with who you are, and what you're capable of at any given moment, is a painful thing, because it means not hating yourself, but at the same time being hopeful that things can and will be different someday, which is painfully challenging.

So, um, yeah...

B I K R A M

Revue Eyeglass frames, from France!

My bff has become completely and totally a Bikram convert. She talks about it all the time. I've been hearing about it for three straight weeks. And since I'm already a wannabe yogi, I figured it was worth my time to give the whole thing a shot. I knew what I was getting into. It would be hot. I needed to be still. I needed to be prepared to sweat a lot without wiping it away, etc, etc. So I waited until I was actually up to the challenge, and went to the studio yesterday afternoon.

It felt like I walked into an oven. It felt oppressive without moving. I've lived in hot, humid places. I've exercised in said places. But I was not prepared for the heat of that room. It was unlike anything I have ever felt, save the moment I stepped off the plane into the equatorial heat of West Brazil six short years ago. But I was committed, and I didn't doubt that I could do it. And I was able to do the first maybe 25% of the poses, when I stood up and felt sick to my stomach. I knew my blood sugar had plunged, and I knew that I had to get out of that room, but the teacher told me to stay and sit, and I did not feel like I could do anything else. So I sat, and I sat, and held back tears that came out of nowhere.

Eventually, I caught the teacher's eye and asked if I could leave. Her response was not positive, but I was adamant. I knew I needed to check my blood sugar, and I needed to not feel so sick for another minute. I sat for a while in the front room, and drank my water. My sugar was 75, which is not pre-comatose, but not okay to keep going in the negative direction. I had to leave. I had to go home.

I wailed all the way home. It was bizarre. There were no feelings or thoughts associated with the wailing, just a raw, guttural noise from my soul. Eventually, it ended, and I ate dinner, and slept through the night.

It wasn't a good day to go, and I want to go back. But I don't know when I'll feel up to it. I think that heat is a really big stressor to my body, and I'll have to be in a perfect place blood-sugar and energy wise before I try again. It's difficult for me to accept defeat, even temporarily, but if I'm learning anything at this point in my life, it's that I need to have patience to get the things I want.

Peace out :)

Frugal tip of the day - Free Yoga :)

 
So I've been doing a lot of yoga lately. I started about a year ago, give or take, and it has helped me to stay calm as my life has become increasingly more diverse, and I take on more responsibility over my own life and the lives of others. In light of my extreme poverty this summer, I stopped going to my yoga studio. I think it's been months since I was last there, and every time I thought of it, I got a little sad. But then I had an idea. YouTube!

So I am now practicing more than ever, with friendly yogis who've done the world a huge service by donating their time and talent to the world wide web. My spine is straighter, my brain is clearer, and I'm generally a happier person (also, my blood sugar is always better with yoga than with any other form of exercise). I did this one yesterday, and tried a pose I'd never done before. I don't know what I'm going to do when I go back to my garage, and lose out on the benefit of a living room to spread out in ;)

But just in case you're wondering, I will definitely go back to my local neighborhood studio when I have the funds to do so. I think it's important to support the people who pour their lives into the health of the community.

What I want :)

To know me is to know I love cake :)

So in an effort to evidence my desire to want more, here is what I've come up with. While I understand that these things may not all occur, I still want them to. So this is what I wrote the day I decided to start wanting things.

I want a house, with a kitchen, a kitchen window and counter space
I want to write a book, a whole book, and then another, and then another
I want sons who climb trees and get into trouble - I don't want a television
I want to learn Spanish
I want to go to Slovenia - I want to live in Slovenia, learn the language, write my book
I want to tell my mother how she hurt me, and let her know that I forgive her
I want to hike the John Muir trail
I want to do a headstand and the splits
I want to take a Northern California thrifting tour
I want to see Lori McKenna with Amy for my birthday
I want to go to the annual San Francisco library book sale
I want to visit my friends in Canada, and in Kansas, and in Switzerland
I want to go to an art conference in New Mexico
I want to go to Vista Academy to see my tile

Another day, I will explain all of these, but not today. Peace out.

Want is a terrible thing.

I wasn't much of a Barbie girl...my poor mother laments this

“[S]he believed that the Buddhists were right – that if you want, you will suffer; if you love, you will grieve.”

-Anne Lamott, Crooked Little Heart

Last week, in between watching the Olympics, reading Jane Austen, and hangin' with the dogs, I thought about some stuff. I generally try not to think too much, since I'm neurotic and thinking too much all the time anyway, but sometimes it's necessary to sit in silence and work to untangle some things in your brain. I probably have done a lot of thinking this summer, since I had no time to think the previous year. Perhaps the thoughts just backed up in my brain, and had to be processed one by one, like items on a conveyer belt coming out my ears.

When I was a kid, I didn't want things. I just didn't. I learned at an early age that wanting was futile, that it only brought pain, and that it was just easier to avoid it entirely. But when things started to happen that were outside of my control - I fell in love, and didn't know what to do about it - I was faced with the question, "How does a person want and not want, love and avoid, all at the same time?" After all those years of not-wanting, the feeling of want became unbearable, so uncomfortable, and I got stuck between the two, not being able to choose either one.

So I've decided to want things, and unfortunately (oh boy), wanting means suffering. Wanting inevitably means not having, not getting. And at some point, I might get the things that I want, the big things, or maybe I'll get different things, things that are better for me than the things I want (thank you, Mick Jagger). But I'm tired of believing that I don't deserve the things that other people have, that for whatever reason I deserve less because I am less.

Oh geez, sometimes I sound like a makeup commercial.

I got my Olympic fix :)

So I was so frustrated yesterday trying to get Olympic coverage (of any kind!), I got in my car and drove out of town to a friend's house. And then the watching commenced! We watched synchronized diving, beach volleyball, soccer, handball, weightlifting, swimming, and water polo. While they were announcing the names of the coches for the US women's water polo team, I noticed that one name sounded ridiculously familiar. So I thought, and thought, and thought, and by the end of the second quarter, I figured it out. My water polo club coach from high school is an assistant coach for the US team! How cool is that?

I feel so much more relaxed today. Ahhhh....

I bought a car!

Pair of Vintage Horrockses Drapes

It's official. I bought a new car. Here is why it's awesome:

1. Air conditioning
2. Power steering
3. Cup holders!
4. CD Player
5. Radio
6. Speedometer
7. Odometer
8. Clock
9. Sun/Moon roof
10. Awesome keyless entry

At some point, I would like to outline the highlights of purchasing a used car. This is my third used car, and I'm really happy with how this whole thing went down. I had to work really hard to accept help from other people, and be honest about what I wanted, and wait until I got it. Then I had to make compromises. I had to settle for less than 40mpg. But to be honest, as soon as I felt that cool air blowing in my face, I forgot all about the mpg. That's how good it felt to not be baking in a traveling oven.

So now I'm working on selling the baking oven. Wish me luck!

Saving the World

I am super frustrated today by people unwilling to budge a little to admit a bit of responsibility and do something to solve a small problem.

It is my belief that I am an unexceptional (though awesome) human being, and that everyone cares about other people and systemic functioning as much as I do. But time and again, I am proven wrong. Should I trust people selling me their used car? Probably not entirely. Should I assume that other people want to help as much as I do? Probably not. Perhaps I should pay a little less attention to global problems and a little more attention to my own.

I didn't become this way on accident. I was raised to depreciate my own health in the interest of the well-being of others, and this seems to be an issue I'm still working through. Now, my occupation is evidence that I care a lot about other people, and it offers me opportunities to continually manage boundaries, but it is also evidence that my "helping others before myself" attitude is not easily ignored - it's something I deal with regularly, and something I often have to keep in-check.

Call me a fascist commie, but I think that we, as human beings, need to pay attention to one another a little more, and ourselves a little less. We need to think about how our actions affect others a little more, and our smart phones a little less.

What to do in the heat

Palazzo Pant Jumpsuit - Oh to have the energy to make!

1. Put a fan directly facing you
2. Move slowly - Talk with volunteers at thrift stores
3. Take an afternoon nap/siesta (I like to listen to talk radio)
4. Hydrate regularly (Factor in excess sweating)
5. Expect less of yourself (and others)
6. Exercise early in the morning, or late in the evening
7. Write more: Letters, emails, poems, stories
8. Read more: World news, fiction, non-fiction
9. Forgive quickly (heat psychosis is rampant)
10. Listen to folk music on Pandora (Emmylou Harris, baby!)

Have you ever been in love?

I don't have relationships with exes. I imagine that some people do. As I said before, I am like a sponge, and I don't do well managing feelings without slipping into old patterns. I doubt it's always the healthiest option, but for me, it's the best one. It protects my heart, and in odd cases, the hearts of other people (I just don't imagine anyone is too hung up on me post mortem).

And it works well. I leave, try again, mess up again, and no one is destroyed in the process. I was finding that every time I went back to my ex-boyfriends, my heart only became more attached, and more difficult to pull out of the relationship. Where once we might have been able to make somewhat of a clean break, re-entering the fray only made it more difficult to leave a second time without major trauma to my heart. Maybe our hearts were made for monogamy. I don't know. Sometimes I imagine that they are. But I don't think that our human-ness makes us able to not hurt eachother, and sometimes moving on is the best thing for everyone involved. Maybe in a perfect world, we could all mate for life, but I doubt anyone makes it to adulthood without breaking a heart or two.

Be kind. Being a grown-up means sacrifice, usually the sacrifice of things we thought we needed to survive. Maybe it can be okay to let go, if it means that in the end, you save a heart or two.

Record setting day :)

Thorvald Marthinsen Scandinavian Sterling from Norway

Record listing to selling time: 3 minutes

I listed these spoons at a reasonable price, because I wanted to sell them quickly. I just didn't know how quickly. I'm so proud of myself for taking the time to find all the marks. 

NM: Norsk Monster
N: Norway
830S: Scandinavian Sterling Silver
Chalice/Goblet: Thorvald Marthinsen Solvvarefabrikk (1900-1925)

I think I've made some big gains over the past month or so. I've been selling fewer low-priced items, and that was difficult to do at first. First of all, I have had to work really hard to learn what to look for. Then I had to take lots and lots of risks, and allow items to sit in my shop for months. I had to be confident that I had listed the item at a fair price for its value. I definitely had a few bad days over the weekend. I lost my confidence big time, and I was starting to doubt myself. Self-doubt is normal, and sometimes I need to take those moments of self-doubt to remind myself that all is not lost.

Patience, friends.

Feelings of lost-ness

Handmade Hmong quilted wall hanging

There is a deep melancholy that comes with graduating. My bachelors degree came and went, and I don't quite recall what I did afterwards. I kept my three jobs, and enjoyed quality book time and wandering the aisles at the public library. I think I mostly just lost myself in a terrible relationship that all started with a black string bikini and a Winnebago. I started training for an Ironman triathlon, and got diagnosed with diabetes and epilepsy.

Graduating didn't make my life fall apart, but it gave me less structure to cope when life did fall apart. I think I've created a significant structure now that will help to alleviate some of that lost-ness that I experienced eight years ago. Mostly I need to ride out the weirdness. Maybe I'll also go to the beach a couple times.

Ideals vs. reality

Today was not a good day for me personally, but it was a pretty good thrifting day. I spent less, which is always great. I didn't take care of myself as well as I should, though. I'm losing steam, and making unwise decisions, or maybe I'm just being thrown complex problems. Who knows?

The dog and I are not a good fit. We're just not. But I'm caught between the ideal of never going back on an agreement, and the reality of a dog who needs a different structure to thrive.

Can someone bring me some ice cream? I think that ice cream would make me feel better.