Tennis balls :)

C'est vrai, mes amis, c'est vrai.

Tonight, the stars aligned and I remembered something my yoga studio does, and I did it at home. We often bring tennis balls along with our blankets, blocks, etc. and use them in class as weird pain-providing devices of torture wherein we place them under particular parts of the body (tight parts), and lie on top of the ball, allowing the full weight of our bodies to press down on the ball, creating a pressure to break up the tension. It can be quite painful, not in a bad way, but in a "this-part-of-my-body-has-never-felt-this-much-pressure" sort of way.

I went into the garage, knowing deep down that I'd seen a tennis ball somewhere. And alas! I found it! And I laid on top of it, with the ball beside my shoulder blades, and I swear to you, I can't remember the time my body felt so relaxed and just good.

Anyhow, you should try it. Peer pressure. Do it. Do it now. Or tomorrow. Whatever.

Upside down.

I got a few Vera scarves that don't quite scream "Vera!" This is one of them.

this love has made me
undone, loose from my bones
like a yogi, upside down

I've been inspired by Heidi to put some poems up on the blog. But poems are so raw, so exposed. I feel naked in all of my poems. I guess that's the point, in the end. That's why it's art. But it's difficult. I'll say that much. The funny thing is, people see me as open and honest. And I suppose I am. But there's a whole lot more to me than I put forward. That's why I can afford to be so open. What seems open to you is not full-on exposure to me. This allows me to protect myself, all of the vulnerable parts.

Anyhow, in the interest of being a writer, I think I'll try to find some poems that I feel okay about posting. Obviously it will take me a while, since it took me ages to post this one, but I strive for growth, so...peace out.

Rat's ass, flying f***, etc.

Vintage scarf with a design I thought was cool, and now adorns my office :)

I've decided that not giving a fuck is like, our calling in life as human beings. Now hear me out please. I'm not suggesting that we hurt other people, but that we stop having freak-outs over all of the things we think might happen, or what people might think, or might do. Maybe something will happen that is difficult, or even unmanageable, but let's get to that when it comes, not years before. Think of all your wasted anxiety on things that never came to be, how much sleep you lost, how little you ate, how much you cried, etc, etc, etc.

So I may, or may not, have had a seizure a couple weeks ago in yoga, and this possible seizure has created a whole host of problems for me, the least of which is the totally inappropriate time at which this all happened. It seriously has put me over the edge. Suddenly, I have to deal with all of these tests and doctors, unexpected medical bills, rescheduling a whole host of appointments for work, and it's all a pain in the ass.

But here's the deal: all of the things that I've been stressing out about at work have fallen by the wayside. Suddenly I have no room for the extra anxiety of thinking about what people might be thinking about me. I think it actually makes me do my job better. Suddenly, I've stopped giving a fuck, and it's a wonderful thing. I keep imagining that this is what eighty-year-old women feel like.

Also, my hair just keeps looking awesome, so that helps too.

Peace out :)

The full moon :)

Aren't these pictures funny and weird?

Tonight, after yoga, I stood by the bread factory in my short shorts, yoga mat in hand, watching the train go by under a full moon, and cried. And the train kept going, and going, and I knew I needed it to pass before I could cross the tracks to go home anyway, so I just stood there and got out as much as I could.

I'm okay. I can be big and loud sometimes, and that includes being sad, but I'm okay. People always think that I'm worse off than I am. The funny thing is, when it was really bad, several years ago, very few people saw me in my total life-stops-completely grief. Now I just cry and watch the train, then go home and make dinner, and do it all again tomorrow. I'm really doing well, and sometimes I have long, difficult days, but that doesn't change how I feel on the inside about myself.

Anyhow, having a job where you help people makes you have to constantly remind yourself that you are powerless to change other people. Sometimes I just have to say that to myself (I'm always talking to myself), and the fog lifts, my furrowed brows lift, and the world is right again.

Bye bye Bikram :(

Last Thursday or Friday, I drove the 20 minutes up the freeway to the Bikram studio, but there was weird traffic on the thoroughfare, making me late, which meant that I was locked out of class. And suddenly, in a moment, I had my answer: Bikram is not for me. My entire life is made up of appointments and being at the right place at the right time for other people. I need a place where I go just for myself, where I don't add stress to my day and life rushing (and no, I'm not in a place to dedicate more time over and above the already lengthy process).

My blood sugar has become so bad, and so unpredictable, that it isn't worth it. I had begun to imagine that my immune system was being activated, and perhaps even healing me, but my immune system being stimulated doesn't heal me. It hurts me. And I just have to accept that.

Thank you Bikram, for making me get in touch with my spine. Thank you for pushing me past limits I didn't know I had made for myself. Thank you for being a bad ass. You made me, for a brief period of time, feel like a bad ass too. Now I'll have to find other ways.

Peace out.

Breathe in...breathe out...

All 26 poses in the Bikram series :)

Oh man. I've really been struggling the past couple days. I've become overwhelmed by the amount of pain and suffering in the world, the constant horror stories I'm privy to. I know I can't save anyone. I know it's not my job to fix anyone else's problems. But it weighs on my soul in a way that feels like I can't breathe, and it almost feels better not to breathe, but then I get really really tired and I want to lie down and die.

This feeling makes sense to me because of Bikram. I've noticed that it often feels better in some poses to stop breathing, because breathing necessitates moving, and makes me more likely to fall down. But one has to breathe in order to get through the whole series. You might be able to get through a pose or two without breathing, but then you're too wiped out, and have to sit down. I get dizzy when I stop breathing. So I have to consciously breathe, six counts in, six counts out. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. I don't know why. But you have to breathe.

So breathing feels like dying, but won't actually kill you, and not breathing feels better, but might kill you. Quite the paradox, no? Somehow there is a psychological profundity in there, but I can't find it. Whatever it is, it isn't a pleasant thought.

Image retrieved at: http://theguiltlesslife.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/bikram.jpg

I guess it's 9/11.

I work with people who are hurting, and oftentimes within that hurt are questions of forgiveness. What is forgiveness? How does a person forgive? What does forgiveness mean? And I never answer those questions for another person, because those are deep questions about faith and belief, and it's incredibly important for a person to be able to make decisions about forgiveness autonomously, without the interests of other people getting in the way.

Larger issues of peace are incredibly complex. Forgiveness and peace may be inextricably linked, but how one goes about finding peace is also a deeply personal issue. Sometimes we get very sidetracked with blame, and wanting answers. Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes life sucks and we just have to keep going.

In Bikram last night, the teacher (or supreme yogi, or whatever they're called) reminded us that Bikram helps us to find stillness, or forces us to be still. All I know is that at the end of the class, I want to jump up and run out the door. I want the hot to go away. I want to breathe cool air. But I heed those words (because what am I there for if I don't listen?), and I lie as still as I can, for as long as I can (probably less than the recommended three minutes), before I hurry to test my sugar and get some fresher air.

When I lived in the jungle, I had few moments of cool crisp air to breathe. When I came off the plane, I thought I would die. It felt like an oven (it was the equator, after all). And my body suffered in the heat, and my soul suffered with loneliness, but I survived. Sometimes all we can do is survive, and hope that God really is there and real, or else none of it means anything anyway and there is no point.

So breathe the hot air, because it's all you have. Be mad if you want, because it won't make the hot air go away. I like to be mad at God. God can handle it.

BIKRAM #2 (and #3)

 

So Tuesday, I went back to the hot yoga studio. There was a different instructor, and she suggested that I sit out one set of each posture (they do two sets of everything), so I did. After an hour, I thought I was going to die from the heat and I couldn't slow my heart rate down, so I just laid on the ground for the last twenty minutes and willed my breath to keep me alive. I succeeded.

Wednesday (i.e. yesterday), I went again, this time not because I had something to prove to myself or anyone else, but because I really wanted to go back. My job can be stressful if I allow it to be, and it's really nice to look forward to a time where I can let out all the bad stuff that's hanging out in my body. I'm not a big believer in toxins and all that jazz. I'm not going to buy a cleansing kit that does horrible things, nor am I going to go crazy and do the cayenne/lemonade thing. But a regular thing that makes me feel good every day? I think I can get behind that.

I know. I know. Now I'm a crazy Bikram convert. But seriously, I need something to look forward to that is different from everything else. I need something that doesn't mess with my spine or my blood sugar. So, for the time being, this is going to be it. Deal with it haters.

On another note, I moved back home last night. At one point, I had dirty laundry, clean laundry, food, all my eBay stuff, my briefcase, toiletries, and my post-yoga mat and towels all in piles in my super small living room. If the lighting were better in my apartment, I would have taken a picture. It was scary stuff.

Then I cried about turning 30 and laughed while watching Bachelor Pad. All in a day's work.

B I K R A M

Revue Eyeglass frames, from France!

My bff has become completely and totally a Bikram convert. She talks about it all the time. I've been hearing about it for three straight weeks. And since I'm already a wannabe yogi, I figured it was worth my time to give the whole thing a shot. I knew what I was getting into. It would be hot. I needed to be still. I needed to be prepared to sweat a lot without wiping it away, etc, etc. So I waited until I was actually up to the challenge, and went to the studio yesterday afternoon.

It felt like I walked into an oven. It felt oppressive without moving. I've lived in hot, humid places. I've exercised in said places. But I was not prepared for the heat of that room. It was unlike anything I have ever felt, save the moment I stepped off the plane into the equatorial heat of West Brazil six short years ago. But I was committed, and I didn't doubt that I could do it. And I was able to do the first maybe 25% of the poses, when I stood up and felt sick to my stomach. I knew my blood sugar had plunged, and I knew that I had to get out of that room, but the teacher told me to stay and sit, and I did not feel like I could do anything else. So I sat, and I sat, and held back tears that came out of nowhere.

Eventually, I caught the teacher's eye and asked if I could leave. Her response was not positive, but I was adamant. I knew I needed to check my blood sugar, and I needed to not feel so sick for another minute. I sat for a while in the front room, and drank my water. My sugar was 75, which is not pre-comatose, but not okay to keep going in the negative direction. I had to leave. I had to go home.

I wailed all the way home. It was bizarre. There were no feelings or thoughts associated with the wailing, just a raw, guttural noise from my soul. Eventually, it ended, and I ate dinner, and slept through the night.

It wasn't a good day to go, and I want to go back. But I don't know when I'll feel up to it. I think that heat is a really big stressor to my body, and I'll have to be in a perfect place blood-sugar and energy wise before I try again. It's difficult for me to accept defeat, even temporarily, but if I'm learning anything at this point in my life, it's that I need to have patience to get the things I want.

Peace out :)

Frugal tip of the day - Free Yoga :)

 
So I've been doing a lot of yoga lately. I started about a year ago, give or take, and it has helped me to stay calm as my life has become increasingly more diverse, and I take on more responsibility over my own life and the lives of others. In light of my extreme poverty this summer, I stopped going to my yoga studio. I think it's been months since I was last there, and every time I thought of it, I got a little sad. But then I had an idea. YouTube!

So I am now practicing more than ever, with friendly yogis who've done the world a huge service by donating their time and talent to the world wide web. My spine is straighter, my brain is clearer, and I'm generally a happier person (also, my blood sugar is always better with yoga than with any other form of exercise). I did this one yesterday, and tried a pose I'd never done before. I don't know what I'm going to do when I go back to my garage, and lose out on the benefit of a living room to spread out in ;)

But just in case you're wondering, I will definitely go back to my local neighborhood studio when I have the funds to do so. I think it's important to support the people who pour their lives into the health of the community.

A little explanation

So the past two days, I've been talking about wanting and how I've decided to want things, like things beyond the usual things like eating dinner and watching the Olympics and not dying in 110 degree heat.

1. I've been living in a garage for the past year, and I'm ready for a house, with a kitchen that I can cook in as opposed to my cobbled together faux kitchen I've made work in my little place. While housesitting this month, I've realized that I'm done living with less.
2. I want to write memoirs about my awesome life, and all of the crazy stupid things that have happened and how in spite of all of it, I still get up every morning. Mostly I just want to write them for myself. Maybe other people will read them. I don't know.
3. I used to be a nanny for this family who had three boys, and they were just so boyish, and they were always running and climbing and we'd do fun things with bugs and it was wonderful. For whatever reason, I've only ever been a nanny for boys. I love my sister and all, but I have just always seen myself as a mother of sons. Perhaps my lover (as I will call him daily) and I will use the sex-choice method, or maybe we'll just be working with fast sperm. Again, I don't know.
4. I want to be bilingual. It will make my work infinitely easier.
5. One of my books will be about my family's story in Slovenia, and it will probably take me several decades before my heart will allow me to take such a huge risk, but it's on the list anyway.
6.
7. My uncle hiked part of the trail a few years ago, and I looked through all of his books while he was preparing. I don't know if I'd even be up for it, since it's so long and all, but my heart wants to do it, so there.
8. My hips don't like to open, and my head is really far from the ground, and my torso is shorter than my legs, so this may be a lifelong process, but I'm working on it. Let's all remember that a year ago, I couldn't do this, so anything is possible.
9. Something about the North Bay beckons me with its cool weather and Goodwill outlet :)
10. She said 'yes'. We are so going.
11. There are supposed to be thousands upon thousands of used books. Doesn't that sound like ecstasy?
12. I thought that as soon as I graduated, I'd suddenly have the funds necessary to travel. That isn't happening, but the plan is still there. There are people around the world who I love and miss dearly, especially that man on the river who thought I was flirting with him when I said 'oi' [wink].
13. The Creativity and Madness conference beckons me.
14. I went to a visual and performing arts school in Southern California (magnet school), and I was a member of the first class, so we created walls of ceramic tiles with our personal artwork on them. They're displayed on the wall of the cafeteria.

Peace out mofos. You're awesome.

Semi-great day :)

Today was a good day, and I don't have those very often. At least, I don't have particularly good days. Every day is good because I'm not curled up in a ball, wearing all black, and living in my best friend's home office, unemployed and suicidal.

In honor of this great day, I give you the following great things that happened:

1. I found like fifty pounds of gummed brown paper tape, and I figured, "Why not buy it all and have a lot for a long time?" Now I have tape for two years, and it's all recyclable.
2. Then I found a Lululemon yoga top, and it's kelly green, which I look pretty good in. It was well received by those who later admired it for its looks and awesome find-ness.
3. I did a crow pose in yoga for a full second. Then I fell on the floor with a big smile on my face. The instructor thought I was embarrassed, but I was just super proud of myself.
4. After I left yoga, some guy chided me for leaving my car window down, saying that some guy had been looking at it out of the corner of his eye. "Ha!" said I. "Good luck stealing my car, covered in bird shit from sitting under a tree today" (no wonder that prime parking spot is always open at 10:30am). "Go ahead, steal my car. See if I care." Now, that's real freedom.

Today, I present my paper to the world. Then I will go on a thrifting vacation and eat a lot of vegan foods.

Lots of backbends

Yoga tonight was so intense for me. Backbends, backbends, backbends. A couple hours later, and I'm still kinda shaky. But I look forward to going every week. It's good, and calming, and all of the crap in my body is gone at the end of the class-it's all left on the mat.

I was sweating like crazy (it was hot and the room was packed). I was slipping all over the place, and my clothes weren't spongy enough to soak it up. I had to go to town on my mat when I got home-clean it up, get all the yuck off of it. Then I ate a lot to fill up my empty muscles.

Now I'm watching The Bachelor. My body feels great; sore, but great. I am full of rosemary focaccia, and chocolate, and soy milk. I am content and tired.

Garbage in, garbage out

 

In yoga tonight, I had thoughts running through my mind throughout the class. That's rare. Usually, I am able to get rid of everything very quickly and focus on how much pain I'm in. Maybe I am feeling stronger, so am therefore able to let my mind wander, but it got me to thinking. How am I getting rid of the negativity in my life? How am I dealing with the garbage that comes in? Am I doing anything?

I am a firm believer that the brain and body carry everything with them. Your brain remembers everything that has happened to you. It is stored in there somewhere, and someday something that you've never remembered before from 3rd grade will pop up suddenly because something in your environment triggered that particular neurotransmitter to fire (or get fired on?).

So that's all well and good when you work at Clouds-R-Us, where everyone is friendly and happy and no one has an unkind word for anyone else, and nothing bad ever happens to anyone. But for the rest of us who have constant good and bad flowing into our lives, I think it's important to stop and think every once in a while, "How much good am I putting into my life? Is there any way that I can replace some of the bad with some good? Is watching Law and Order a good thing or a bad thing for my overall health and well-being?"

Yoga is part of that for me. Yoga gives me a great deal of good and at the same time reminds me to breathe out the bad, and to let go of the things I try so hard to hold on to. Yoga isn't for everyone, but it is a symbol of what each of us needs in our lives-a time and place, set aside, for the purpose of cleansing and renewal.

I hope you find this space for yourself somehow, and if not, I hope you start to look for it.