Be your own advocate.

John Singer Sargent: Mrs. Edward L. Davis & son Livingston (1890)

I'm a big fan of personal growth and development. I think it's important to create a welcoming environment inside yourself to self-awareness, and to work on continually becoming the person you want to be. I'm always amazed at how wonderful personal therapy can be.

Sometimes I talk to people who have seen a therapist for various reasons and found it so incredibly helpful, and then sometimes I talk to people who say that it wasn't so great. I have the same philosophy of therapy that I do about medical doctors: it is what you make it. There are lots of terrible doctors in the world, people who don't really care. But there are loads of wonderful doctors too, people who really want to help, who have expertise, and will do whatever they are able to help. My physical health changed almost overnight when I started speaking up for myself, when I started saying, "Hey this is who I am, and I need help."

Be your own advocate. Dig down into the depths of yourself, be brave, and say what you need. If that doesn't work, let me know, and we can commiserate :)

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Taxes make me crazy.

I think that these vintage Italian gold pumps (totally '80s) are hot :)

I have been having so much anxiety about my taxes this year. I have claimed my earnings since opening my eBay store, but this is the first year that I have collected sales tax, and I registered as a business. Suddenly, I'm paying business/retail tax, which I still haven't figured out, and I can't figure out how the fuck to pay my sales tax, and it's starting to drive me crazy.

So this morning, I finally sat down to do my taxes, and get through my pile of personal and business paperwork, medical bills, etc. So much money going away, but I haven't bounced a check in a long time, so I'm feeling really good about myself. I'm paying way less for inventory, and my February sales were awesome (and February tends to be a slow month). Wow, second paragraph has helped me feel better already.

Peace out :)

Ack! Good lord, what's wrong with you?

Vintage Salvatore Ferragamo loafers

Okay, so picture this (maybe you can close your eyes and have it read aloud to you): I have electrodes taped and glued all over my head and chest, wires attached. There is a stretchy knit cap (like a stocking - if I put it all the way over my face, it looks like I'm about to rob a bank) that goes over the wires. I usually have big hair, and it's all plastered down under this stocking, and electrodes and hairs are poking out all over the place.

The stocking cap makes me hot during the night, so I have this weird, "I've been sweating a lot" look to me. And of course, I have no bra on, so there's that. Then, on top of it all, and the whole, "Hey, I just woke up look",  I'm carrying around this fanny-pack-thing with extra wires and it's probably holding up part of my shirt.

You're the mailman, and it's Saturday, and all you want to do is hand me bulky mail that won't fit through the slot, so you ring the bell, and then I open the door.

It's only 9am. Good lord, what did you do to deserve this?

Piles and piles...

This coat just screams "Mountain Man", don' it?

Right now, I have a pile of clothing on my bed, already photographed, waiting to be listed. I had a momentary meltdown yesterday about money, so working today makes me feel calmer, like I have some power over my circumstances.

I spend like half my income on medical bills. So all this extra bullshit with my brain just makes me feel like I'm going to die in debt. I feel like I can't get out of it, so I'm working as much as I can to empower myself through December to pay my bills and buy groceries, simultaneously. A girl can hope.

My wish on the yoga studio's Christmas tree last night is to get out of debt someday. I just hope it will be someday soon.

I hate money.

Look! It's a castle!

Vintage Fisher Price castle - 1970s - reminds me of toys at Grandma's house :)

So maybe it's the coming month of fewer hours at work, but I've been bulking up on inventory like a fun thrift store hobbyist. I'm actually quite content right now, listening to country, drinking some cafe au lait, and trying on vintage eyeglasses while I list them, and it's been quite a long time since I haven't begrudgingly listed on my off days. Less stress overall = more enjoyment in the little things I suppose.

I went in and got a CT scan yesterday. As time passes, I am becoming more and more angry about how all of this hullabaloo has gone down. One person that saw the incident said I might have had a small seizure, or I could have fainted and fallen down. Both are equally likely. But I defaulted, thinking it wouldn't matter, and shouldn't I call my diabetes doctor just to let them know? But thus began a series of events that cannot be undone, and now my driver's license is in jeopardy and I'm getting all of these tests run that cost a lot of money, and scare me a little.

Everyone who knows me, knows I'm high strung, intense, sometimes over-the-top. But I'm also very aware of it, and I suppose that makes me not-so-scary. Yeah, I panic, I freak out, but I also am the person you want to call in a genuine crisis, because while I freak out about the stupidest things, I do not freak out when shit is on the line. I am calm and cool, and focused. Yeah, it's weird, but it's me, and I'm okay with that.

I'm really missing the dogs today, and I wish they were sitting next to me.

Peace out :)

Rat's ass, flying f***, etc.

Vintage scarf with a design I thought was cool, and now adorns my office :)

I've decided that not giving a fuck is like, our calling in life as human beings. Now hear me out please. I'm not suggesting that we hurt other people, but that we stop having freak-outs over all of the things we think might happen, or what people might think, or might do. Maybe something will happen that is difficult, or even unmanageable, but let's get to that when it comes, not years before. Think of all your wasted anxiety on things that never came to be, how much sleep you lost, how little you ate, how much you cried, etc, etc, etc.

So I may, or may not, have had a seizure a couple weeks ago in yoga, and this possible seizure has created a whole host of problems for me, the least of which is the totally inappropriate time at which this all happened. It seriously has put me over the edge. Suddenly, I have to deal with all of these tests and doctors, unexpected medical bills, rescheduling a whole host of appointments for work, and it's all a pain in the ass.

But here's the deal: all of the things that I've been stressing out about at work have fallen by the wayside. Suddenly I have no room for the extra anxiety of thinking about what people might be thinking about me. I think it actually makes me do my job better. Suddenly, I've stopped giving a fuck, and it's a wonderful thing. I keep imagining that this is what eighty-year-old women feel like.

Also, my hair just keeps looking awesome, so that helps too.

Peace out :)

I've found my vice.

For a long time, I've complained to anyone who will listen that I need a vice badly. I need something that I can do that is mine, that feels like rebellion, something I do that says, "I really don't give a fuck". Well friends, I have found that thing. And it is Whole Foods.

Whole Foods gives me vegan muffins and scones, vegan cake, soy yogurt, fake wonderful meat, kombucha (!), and men who smile at me like goons. Whole Foods has the most comprehensive selection of vegan options than anywhere else in town. Yeah, so it's more expensive, but I don't care. It's food! It's what I put in my body, the houser of my soul and all that jazz. So I'm gonna own it. I'm gonna own my vice like nobody's business.

Belt buckles - Booyah.

Mim Di N (what does that even mean?!) belt buckle

This afternoon, my nurse practitioner, who is in charge of my diabetic care (obviously second in command), told me that something has happened to me that is so interesting, she is going to bring it up in her next case conference! How cool is that?! She said that one of the doctors at the practice is a diabetes nerd. I said, "I'm a psychopath nerd". She laughed. She got it. We had a moment of shared understanding. It's weird to have to be in school so long just to do what I want to do, the thing that my soul knows how to do.

Solid Brass-Made in Israel.

I made a thrift stop on the way home and have already listed everything I bought! How awesome is that? I was so productive today. I cleaned the yard for my party. I had help. We were amazing. Me and my tall friend made that yard our bitch. I was so proud, I had to keep going outside to look at it. There was so much dust, I kept blowing my snot all over the place. Disgusting. I was sneezing like a mofo.

Just to emphasize the awesomeness of this feat, I did not, as a rule, do yardwork until about a year ago when I found that it was cathartic. So me, doing yardwork, and getting injured (I got a palm thorn stuck in my hand) was some kind of proof to the world (and my parents, who am I kidding) that I'm not a loser. I'm a grown-up who does yardwork.

Booyah.

"Natural" remedies

In honor of being sick, I give you a list of herbal remedies I use obsessively:

1. Crushed garlic (severe cold/flu)
2. Warm Garlic/Olive Oil blend (ear infection)
3. Goldenseal/Echinacea (moderate cold/flu)
4. Vitamin C (mild cold/flu)
5. Cranberry capsules (urinary anything)

When I was trying to cure myself of diabetes, and wasn't taking any meds, I used:

1. Cinnamon
2. Prickly Pear Cactus
3. Chromium
4. Taurine

On a normal day, I take the following (vegan overload):

1. Vitamin B Complex
2. Prenatal Multivitamin (for the extra iron)