Ack! Good lord, what's wrong with you?

Vintage Salvatore Ferragamo loafers

Okay, so picture this (maybe you can close your eyes and have it read aloud to you): I have electrodes taped and glued all over my head and chest, wires attached. There is a stretchy knit cap (like a stocking - if I put it all the way over my face, it looks like I'm about to rob a bank) that goes over the wires. I usually have big hair, and it's all plastered down under this stocking, and electrodes and hairs are poking out all over the place.

The stocking cap makes me hot during the night, so I have this weird, "I've been sweating a lot" look to me. And of course, I have no bra on, so there's that. Then, on top of it all, and the whole, "Hey, I just woke up look",  I'm carrying around this fanny-pack-thing with extra wires and it's probably holding up part of my shirt.

You're the mailman, and it's Saturday, and all you want to do is hand me bulky mail that won't fit through the slot, so you ring the bell, and then I open the door.

It's only 9am. Good lord, what did you do to deserve this?

Piles and piles...

This coat just screams "Mountain Man", don' it?

Right now, I have a pile of clothing on my bed, already photographed, waiting to be listed. I had a momentary meltdown yesterday about money, so working today makes me feel calmer, like I have some power over my circumstances.

I spend like half my income on medical bills. So all this extra bullshit with my brain just makes me feel like I'm going to die in debt. I feel like I can't get out of it, so I'm working as much as I can to empower myself through December to pay my bills and buy groceries, simultaneously. A girl can hope.

My wish on the yoga studio's Christmas tree last night is to get out of debt someday. I just hope it will be someday soon.

I hate money.

Look! It's a castle!

Vintage Fisher Price castle - 1970s - reminds me of toys at Grandma's house :)

So maybe it's the coming month of fewer hours at work, but I've been bulking up on inventory like a fun thrift store hobbyist. I'm actually quite content right now, listening to country, drinking some cafe au lait, and trying on vintage eyeglasses while I list them, and it's been quite a long time since I haven't begrudgingly listed on my off days. Less stress overall = more enjoyment in the little things I suppose.

I went in and got a CT scan yesterday. As time passes, I am becoming more and more angry about how all of this hullabaloo has gone down. One person that saw the incident said I might have had a small seizure, or I could have fainted and fallen down. Both are equally likely. But I defaulted, thinking it wouldn't matter, and shouldn't I call my diabetes doctor just to let them know? But thus began a series of events that cannot be undone, and now my driver's license is in jeopardy and I'm getting all of these tests run that cost a lot of money, and scare me a little.

Everyone who knows me, knows I'm high strung, intense, sometimes over-the-top. But I'm also very aware of it, and I suppose that makes me not-so-scary. Yeah, I panic, I freak out, but I also am the person you want to call in a genuine crisis, because while I freak out about the stupidest things, I do not freak out when shit is on the line. I am calm and cool, and focused. Yeah, it's weird, but it's me, and I'm okay with that.

I'm really missing the dogs today, and I wish they were sitting next to me.

Peace out :)

Things I'm thankful for :)

1. Dogs - especially ones who whine ecstatically when they see me
2. Men who like big words - mostly because it means they're not afraid of me
3. Doctors - especially those who trust me
4. Art - because where would we be without really great nudes?
5. Insulin - cuz it's awesome; you should try it sometime
6. My poems - especially since I don't show them to anyone anymore
7. My job - because I love it, and I'm really good at it
8. Natalie Merchant - playing in my car all month
9. Rainer Maria Rilke - who always inspires me
10. All of the wonderful, brilliant, interesting people in my life - I love you all

Scope of practice

Vintage 1980s Kermit the Frog Washcloth Puppet :)

This week, I was at the doctor's office (a non-diabetes doctor) and was the unfortunate recipient of some hard core ignorance, and from a place that it has no business being. Knowing the difference between Type I and Type II Diabetes should be a no-brainer for health care professionals. And if you don't, then don't make any statements that suggest you do. It bugs me when my regular diabetes nurse practitioner (who I see every three months) won't talk to me about anything except diabetes, but now I'm understanding a little bit more. She is recognizing the scope of her practice and refusing to speculate on issues she isn't competent in.

You have a job, so do your job. Don't try to tell people about their fertility if you aren't a fertility specialist. Don't talk about schizophrenia if you don't have an advanced degree in mental health. Don't give financial advice if you aren't an economist or an accountant.

Be exactly who you are, and don't be who you aren't. And don't apologize for not being everything to everyone. You're human. That's how it's supposed to be. There's nothing wrong with not knowing. There's nothing wrong with saying "I don't know", for being unaware, or ignorant. But what's not okay, is lying about it.