I'm afraid of new things.

I'm pretty much on vacation right now, focusing on my store, resting, considering the possibility of reading a book instead of watching old Law & Order episodes on repeat, and just generally attempting to re-center, ground myself for the pending new year.

I have this new thing in my life, this new person, and as I move through the unknown of this relationship, I am faced daily by all of the things I try to avoid most of the time. I'm recognizing how much I avoid risk, perhaps not risk in the standard sense (I'm not risking my life or anything), but risk in terms of my own heart and soul. See my thrifty heart is a frugal heart. I calculate and recalculate. I weigh pros and cons. I anticipate potential problems so when they come, I'm not surprised. I know when to throw in the towel and call it quits. Thrifting is the way I control my life. Thrifting is the way I make sense of my own soul.

But nothing new and wonderful can come out of something known and understood, at least not intentionally. I've made a lot of choices in my life for the wrong reasons, and they ended up being for my benefit in the end, but I couldn't have orchestrated that; I couldn't have known the future.

So yes, I dig for treasures, but I don't know what I'll find. I don't go looking for particular things; I find wonderful things because I open myself up for them. I spend time preparing, and at the right time, I know what I'm looking at.

People are like that, in some ways. We become people who know what they're looking for, so when we see it, we'll know. I guess I'm wondering if I know what I'm looking for, after all this time, if my years upon years of singleness have taught me anything, or if I'm still just my naive sixteen-year-old self in a grown up woman's body.

Only time will tell, because only time can do the hard work of growing up. Being a grown-up is hard.

Be your own advocate.

John Singer Sargent: Mrs. Edward L. Davis & son Livingston (1890)

I'm a big fan of personal growth and development. I think it's important to create a welcoming environment inside yourself to self-awareness, and to work on continually becoming the person you want to be. I'm always amazed at how wonderful personal therapy can be.

Sometimes I talk to people who have seen a therapist for various reasons and found it so incredibly helpful, and then sometimes I talk to people who say that it wasn't so great. I have the same philosophy of therapy that I do about medical doctors: it is what you make it. There are lots of terrible doctors in the world, people who don't really care. But there are loads of wonderful doctors too, people who really want to help, who have expertise, and will do whatever they are able to help. My physical health changed almost overnight when I started speaking up for myself, when I started saying, "Hey this is who I am, and I need help."

Be your own advocate. Dig down into the depths of yourself, be brave, and say what you need. If that doesn't work, let me know, and we can commiserate :)

Please take a moment to read the most recent news about Syria, and consider making a donation to MCC, currently providing direct aid to Syrian refugees.