Makin' pancakes.

I guess I tend to blog when I'm trying to figure out some big thing in my life. Perhaps when things are good, I avoid overanalyzing. Perhaps things are good because I'm not overanalyzing. Touché.

All the Salvation Armies had "half off everything" sales yesterday, so naturally, I bought a ridiculously expensive camera and am attempting to sell it. Girl's gotta eat yo.

Speaking of eating, I am still eating several burritos daily weekly, but have now been cooking in my new kitchen on a somewhat regular basis. It's hard to get used to having a kitchen. Someone gave me a cookbook for Christmas, and I had the thought, "Does this mean something because you've never actually seen me cook, and I have no food in my fridge?" Asking myself that question was some sort of  necessary therapy, and I'm happy to say that I ate pancakes for dinner this evening.

Last night I listened to Merle Haggard and Waylon Jennings records, whilst listening to someone wax philosophical about the meaning of old school country music. I think at some point there was also dancing, so yeah, life is good :)

Oh Canada.

I love finding unique little vintage oil paintings - and sharing them :)

I want to go to Canada. Last year, I wanted to go to Bolivia, or maybe that was the year before. I love traveling. Not the sightseeing though. I like to go far away and stay in one spot. Maybe I'll walk around a lot, but I'm not a schedule-the-whole-trip kind of girl. I get so tired. Mostly, I just want to see people that I love, and when they live in another country, I want to go to that other country to see them. Also, I like to eat. So yeah, you can feed me if I visit. I won't argue.

I haven't been shopping a ton lately. I mean, in comparison to other times, I feel pretty light right now, even though my shop is full. Maybe I'm hitting some sort of thrifting stride. Or maybe I'm hitting a life stride. I dunno.

My real job ends for a while in several weeks, and then I'll have the summer to thrift and lounge by imaginary pools, and probably eat a lot of frozen yogurt. Last night, I finally traveled to a far away place to find the one-and-only place in town that has soy fro-yo. The flavor yesterday was peanut butter, so I had that with chocolate cookie crumbles on top and watched men with ZZ Top beards walk by looking rugged and manly.

That's it. It's Saturday, and I'm exhausted.

Faith is a fact.

I have a friend in another country who goes to church every day after work, sits in a silent old church in some old European country, and contemplates God or something especially cool. It seemed extreme to me when I first heard it, but I understand so much more now. We need ritual in our lives, sameness, things that do not change. This ritualizing of behaviors creates solidity in our souls, plants us into the ground, makes us feel safe in our own skin. Weird and definitely spiritual, but true. Take it or leave it.

In the wake of school shootings and marathon bombings, I hear stories of people reaching out in new and different ways. Today, while driving the freeway in between meetings across town from one another, I wondered if people are looking for God somehow in this reaching-out, and I thought about lighting a candle. I have another friend who lights candles regularly, also an awesome person. I so appreciate that she has created some kind of place for that. I don't think I have the room. Maybe I could put a shelf up or something.

Who knew I'd become more Catholic as I got older. It's strange and wonderful, and I'm glad my faith allows me to change over time, to go in and out of faith phases, just as I move in and out of food phases. I am still going to the panaderia every morning, and tonight I realized after my evening walk down the boulevard, that I could not go the rest of the day without eating ice cream.

So yeah, phases are good. Or okay, at least. Also ritual is good. I don't know if they are connected. Whatever. I won't figure everything out before I die, but I might figure out some things. Hopefully bread/ice cream phase won't put me in the grave sooner over later.

Mexican bread :)

Who this is, where it came from, I don't know.

When I was a kid, my stepdad occasionally brought home Mexican bread from work. I only remember the ones with pink and yellow stuff on top. His coworkers gave him food, he would bring it home, and it would get eaten by someone, usually. All I remember is how dry and crumbly they were, and I decided that for the rest of my life, I would eschew Mexican breads of all kind.

Fast-forward to today, and I have discovered that I love Mexican bread. I have to keep myself from going to the panaderia every day. It's on my way to work, and it's only a couple blocks away from my house, and it's always soft and fresh. I can't get enough of it. I'm always the whitest person in the place, and the only one speaking English, but I don't care. I want the bread! It's my newest coping mechanism. I got coffee there once, but it wasn't worth it. Most people don't drink coffee there anyway. They get champurrado, which is excessive to my anti-dairy palette.

If I go at 9, it's less fresh. If I go before 7, it's the best: light and airy and a little warm. Ahhhh... Just thinking about it makes me feel happy and peaceful :)

Way more play...

Made in France! Who knew they loved self-help books?

This guy kept passing me in the aisles today making weird noises, almost like clicking, but not quite. The first time it happened, I figured I was hearing something. The second time, I figured out what was happening, and it did not feel good.

Maybe it's my terrible hair making me more approachable; maybe it's my ever-present smile scowl - but I've been getting way more play in thrift stores lately. Even the female employees are becoming more friendly, and I talk to them about things other than thrift! Isn't that cool? I'm becoming an almost friendly person, perhaps even likeable. Or maybe it's because I shower regularly and have all my teeth. Meh, it's a crapshoot, really.

I'm so into mugs right now. It's a thing. Usually my thing is food-related, but not currently. I can't even remember the last time I ate a burrito. Now how weird is that?

Is this the bottom?

I went to teppanyaki last night with coworkers for an end-of-the-year celebration. The place was packed, on a Tuesday, in an otherwise boring strip mall. It seemed odd to me. Good, even great (economy-wise), but odd nonetheless.

Last week, I went to my bank, and a young man was hiding outside, unseen from the security guards, selling M&Ms. He asked me if I wanted any (It was 102 degrees). I said "sorry". And it was in that moment that I thought, "this must be the bottom". People ask for money on cardboard signs on every corner, young people without shopping carts. Adults selling candy outside banks. Suddenly, I was transported to Peru, where children sell candy on the streets, and on the buses, where each car is accosted at every stop light, with people selling their wares, trying their best to survive.

But in happier news, my generic chocolate sandwich cookies have reappeared on their store's shelf, and I eagerly shared my joy with the first employee who seemed like she might care. And she did. It was a wonderful moment.

Saddened silence

Vintage Mug - Bernad Creations 1950

I am super sad right now. Yesterday, I was confronted with my emotional limitations, and I don't think I've eaten in almost 24 hours. I don't know what I'm going to do to make things better, or how I'm going to do it. I had a date last night, and now in the chilly light of day, I think I'm going to choose to be single for the rest of my life, not because it's what I want, but because it's just plain easier, and any other alternative requires emotional energy I don't have, or perhaps don't have to give.

For those who know and love me, I am just wallowing in self-loathing and self-pity. I am continuing the cycle that began a very long time ago, and it doesn't appear to be ending anytime soon. I used to cry when I thought about my limitations. Now I just sit in saddened silence.

Post flea market meltdown

I feel so bad right now. The flea market was so much work, and not worth the time and energy in the end, which makes me feel like I can't keep doing this reselling thing. I'm fooling myself to believe that I can continue to support myself this way. I couldn't pay my rent this month. I had to ask for help, and now I feel like this thing that I love so much has quickly become the thorn in my side.

I feel like my needs are exponentially greater than I can possibly meet. I need a job with health insurance, but I don't qualify for jobs that offer it. I'm stuck with a masters degree and now I'm almost thirty and my body is falling apart, and I need health care more than ever, and I'm less able to get it every day. I have less than three months to solve this problem, and now it feels like the sky is falling.

I need to eat, but my body doesn't want to eat because it's hot and I feel sick, but my mood is directly related to my food intake.

That's all for now.

Actual Postscript: Um, I just looked over my posts over the last week and it appears that I am having a total breakdown. I'm not. I'm functional, but graduation has taken the wind out of my sails. This too shall pass, I assume, as it always does.

Flea market pricing?

Starbucks mugs are always a find :)

What a productive day! I edited a paper (did you know I'm a professional editor?) and listed several things on eBay. It feels good to get things done. I always feel better overall when I get things done.

Later in the day, I ate a vegan tiramisu cupcake. It had cream all over the top and on the inside. There was a single coffee bean on top too. Yum :) I had my friend tell me how good the cupcake was before I told him it was vegan.

I am almost ready for the flea market on Saturday. I am borrowing an e-z-up and a couple long tables. I started packaging my vintage sewing patterns so they can be easily handled (some of them are somewhat tattered). I need to start pricing things. I've been thinking and planning a lot about prices. I want to move inventory, and I don't know if I'll make any money if I don't price the exact right way. If anyone has any thoughts, I'd love to hear them. I'm going to go do some research now about flea market pricing, and I'll get back to you about what I find.

Toaster oven pizza

I haven't had a kitchen for the past six months. Starting a new job kinda turned my life upside down, so it's actually been okay. Yeah, I eat very simply, but I don't mind.

But since I got my new countertop, I've slowly been trying new things. Over the weekend, I decided to make pizza. Now understand, the only thing that changed in my set-up is that I now have a countertop. My toaster oven has always been here. However, when I finally bought the countertop I'd been planning on getting (and looking for at every single thrift store for months), my toaster oven broke. But since I famously fixed my toaster oven, I had all of things necessary to make pizza!

 

The second photo is the final product. Boy did it taste good. My meals lately have been more monosyllabic, if you get my drift (i.e. less prep time). So take some cheese that I can now get just a mile from my house (yay for stocking vegan cheese!), add some sauce and dough, and I made myself a pizza in my toaster oven in 45 minutes.

So there you go. You too can live without a huge oven. Or you can live without turning it on every day and heating up your whole house (yay for hot summers!). I don't know how much further I'll take the experimentation. But now that I have the countertop, anything is possible.

Suggestions welcomed :)

"Natural" remedies

In honor of being sick, I give you a list of herbal remedies I use obsessively:

1. Crushed garlic (severe cold/flu)
2. Warm Garlic/Olive Oil blend (ear infection)
3. Goldenseal/Echinacea (moderate cold/flu)
4. Vitamin C (mild cold/flu)
5. Cranberry capsules (urinary anything)

When I was trying to cure myself of diabetes, and wasn't taking any meds, I used:

1. Cinnamon
2. Prickly Pear Cactus
3. Chromium
4. Taurine

On a normal day, I take the following (vegan overload):

1. Vitamin B Complex
2. Prenatal Multivitamin (for the extra iron)

A relational non-savant

I didn't eat a terrible lot of pie over my holiday. I only had a couple pieces on Christmas day, and they were small. Mostly, I ate a ridiculous amount of Sees's Nuts & Chews. I feel no guilt. I even ate mostly milk chocolate, because they tasted better. I even think my digestion improved, even though my diet went downhill (absence of stress perhaps?). And whilst this was happening (i.e. the eating of the chocolates), I was watching football (not by choice) mixed with television marathons, which are my absolute favorite.

I have completely stopped watching Law & Order, even though it was available on multiple channels for hours on end. I just can't stand it. I think I was able to enjoy one episode that was just about burgling houses for silver, but I didn't even get to the end of it. Give me trash, smut, meaningless reality television. Give me The Bachelor, or anything with Kardashian in it. I feel no shame.

Plus I learn so much about relationships! For example, I learned that prior to marriage (emphasis on prior), a couple should discuss the following: religion, work, where to live, how to live, how many children, how they will be raised, where they will be raised, etc. Thank you Ryan Seacrest for producing these educational materials for me, a relational non-savant.

What have the Kardashians taught you lately?

A thrifty Thanksgiving :)

Ways to be thrifty this Thanksgiving:

1. Cook the turkey carcass and make soup stock (no-brainer)
2. Use real plates (dishwashing time is my favorite)
3. Play lots of non-electronic games
4. Have deep conversations with people you have shallow relationships with
5. Dance or walk after dinner
6. Compliment everyone's cooking (no matter what)
7. Bring something to share, even if it's small
8. Talk to someone you avoid every year
9. Find new things to be grateful for
10. Be yourself. Sometimes in the midst of old patterns, we switch to old personas. Be you, the adult you. Inject newness into old relationships. Don't fall back on old patterns.

I hope your Thanksgiving is warm and enjoyable. I know mine will be.

Hello Thursday!

The recycled tape is everything I dreamed it would be. It's like big strips of envelope that needs to be licked in order to stick. And it makes my packaging completely recyclable! I feel so good about that. I'm usually a 90-95% kind of girl. I do a lot, but not everything. I split my lot between two worlds. I do this because it keeps me sane. I do it because it's who I am.

This means that I am not a protester. I do not compost my own feces. I drive a car. I shampoo my hair. I use electricity. I shop at the grocery store. I do not have a vegetable garden. I humbly eat food that I am given, and shop at stores with picketing-protesters in front. I eat pre-prepared food and Mexican drive-thru burritos. I have $10 in my bank account, and am currently using my credit card to eat. Yup. That's me.

I am not perfect. I am human. I'm also awesome. True story.

I love you...goodbye

There was a time in my life when I had to give up every vice. I think I tried to give things up for God, like God cared about my love for chocolate/peanut butter ice cream. For Lent one year, I gave up ten things. It was ridiculous. I think I tried to fast too (as in not eating for days). I was trying to purge my life of everything I thought God wanted me to get rid of. It was very monkish of me. I've joked for a long time about becoming a nun. It's probably because I've struggled for a long time thinking that I am a terrible person (I'm completely over that now).

Well, those attempts failed. My love for chocolate/peanut butter ice cream hasn't gone anywhere, and I'm not troubled by it. I have, however, gone to the grocery store three times this week looking for my SO Delicious and it's been all gone-every freakin time! But I digress...

The point is, sometimes the things we think are vices are really less important than the negative thoughts we think about ourselves and other people, and the negative influences we allow into our lives. Sometimes these influences are people. Sometimes, as painful as it is (and believe me, I've lived the unbelievable pain), it's the only way to move forward. Maybe someday you can return, but you have to grow and change on your own before you can return to those who you've worked with to become the broken person you are today.

I highly recommend Laura Davis's book I Thought We'd Never Speak Again. I have a wonderful ex-library copy by my bed that I read when I'm feeling particularly blue. It gives me hope that loss can be a good thing, and that I am currently becoming the person I want to be, and maybe, just maybe, someday things will be different.

A spacey afternoon

I'm probably not thinking very well at this moment because I've [kind of] eaten lunch, but not really. I ate a protein bar and a large glass of vegetable juice, but no insulin, so I'm spacey, not low blood sugar spacey, just low calorie spacey; there's a difference.

When I'm anxious, or my life is just completely stressful, I have a lot of trouble eating. For a long time, this wasn't a problem. My hormonal imbalance was so crazy that my body didn't reflect how I was treating it. But now that everything is in right, working order, my eating troubles are becoming more obvious (no not to you, but they are to me). And I have to admit, that's not always something that concerns me. I like being thin. As a kid, I was indoctrinated into the "looks is everything" camp, and this metronome still clicks inside of me at a steady beat: "Be thin. Be beautiful. Be thin. Be beautiful [and so on and so on]."

There is no counter narrative here. This is really what I believe. Writing about it reveals some sort of ambivalence, sure, but not enough to act differently. This isn't something that I consciously choose like, "I'm not going to eat lunch today because I want to stay my lovely thin self." No; I think, "I'm not hungry. Bleh. But I have to take care of myself, so I'm going to eat what I'm able to eat, something that doesn't make me feel sick." The latter is my real adult self. The latter doesn't always eat burritos because she wants to. Sometimes she eats them because she makes herself.