Saddened silence

Vintage Mug - Bernad Creations 1950

I am super sad right now. Yesterday, I was confronted with my emotional limitations, and I don't think I've eaten in almost 24 hours. I don't know what I'm going to do to make things better, or how I'm going to do it. I had a date last night, and now in the chilly light of day, I think I'm going to choose to be single for the rest of my life, not because it's what I want, but because it's just plain easier, and any other alternative requires emotional energy I don't have, or perhaps don't have to give.

For those who know and love me, I am just wallowing in self-loathing and self-pity. I am continuing the cycle that began a very long time ago, and it doesn't appear to be ending anytime soon. I used to cry when I thought about my limitations. Now I just sit in saddened silence.

Online Dating Update #4

Sandra Boynton mug :)

Okay, so I haven't given an online dating update because I suddenly feel very vulnerable writing about what has been going on. Suddenly I'm extra nervous about people reading my blog, and people finding my blog. A few months ago, I found out that a very unpleasant person was reading my blog and then using it to manipulate me. That was enough for me, but now this is different. This is new and scary and should I have a pen name? Should I change the name of my shop and blog so that I do a better job concealing my identity? Yikes. Ack! Anxiety! Waking up at 6:30 every morning with dark circles under my eyes!

Phew, okay. That's all you get.

I'm hooked.

House of Lloyd - 1988

I'm currently drinking out of a mug that says You're Sensational with a rainbow shooting star. I figured I needed some more positive energy with my morning coffee. The news just isn't doing it for me.

I think I went on a thrifting binge today. Three stores. $50. If it helps, I donated a huge box of stuff I'm done with. I really need to go through my clothing. One of my drawers is way too full. I think I've accumulated more clothing that I like and look good in than I have in the past. However, I just saw a photo of myself and it was not so great. I think I need to figure out how to just deal with what I look like. It's a lifetime of work.

So there's this guy that I'm talking to from my online relationship forays. We've sent several emails back and forth, and I kinda like him. The process is making me more of an adult. I'm usually more like a horny child (see here-oh no, now I've distracted myself with SNL). I don't know what it is. I'm trying to figure it out. I think it has to do somewhat with preconceptions about the process and how it works. We act as if we care. We put forward our best selves because that's what we want to be seen. Yikes, this sounds like dating in general. Maybe I've underestimated my own abilities, or maybe I'm reaching some sort of synergistic epoch where all of my wisdom and knowledge are working together for the first time in synchronicity instead of some sort of haphazard experiment.

I'll be in touch. Stay tuned.

Online Dating Update #3

Heath mug - looks like it needs a matching saucer.

So now I'm a roll. I have fun things to tell you.

1. I've now been matched with people I know, and that is strange in and of itself, but also interesting. Do I try to communicate with people I know and already have preconceived notions about? Or do I play it safe and stay away from what I know is not a good fit for me?
2. I didn't answer one guy's questions because I wasn't interested, and he sent me a message that said, "Why are you so thrifty?" I think he was trying to be smart, by saying in not so many words, "Why are you playing it safe?" but it didn't sound so great to me.
3. Another guy emailed me directly, saying "Hey Megan! How was your weekend? Mine was great! I went swimming and hung out with my friends! Do you have friends?..." It went on for a bit. It felt really familiar and I didn't like that.
4. Greatest passion in life? "Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior".  Where do you spend your leisure time? "At church, hanging out with Jesus". What are you most thankful for? "Jesus dying for my sins". Thing you can't live without? "My bible, the book of Jesus."

Some Heath mugs are marked with a model number; not this one :(

And then there are the actual interactions.

A. A great guy, an artist by trade, but got me to thinking that I didn't want to entertain possibilities that would take me away from home. Maybe in the future, I will move away, but right now, I am here in a community that I love, and I'm not anywhere near ready to leave or travel for a relationship.
B. A somewhat "earthy" person who lives nearby. Interesting, not pathologically obsessed with Jesus. Good vibes. Not much to say now, but positive thus far :)

I think Sunday is the day for eHarmony. It seems like a lot happens. I myself am sitting on my bed watching old SNL episodes and looking at jobs. Right now I'm wondering if I should change my profile photo. It's currently a photo I took with my computer, and I don't know if I should have one taken by one of my many friends who enjoy taking photos.