Defeat.

Super cool original ceramic replica of a Polaroid Land Camera :)

"We shall find no enduring strength until we first admit complete defeat."

Twelve Steps, Step One

This inspired me this week, the idea that there is strength at the bottom, strength in brokenness. I struggle to hold on to his idea, even though I'm sure lots of people who know me would say otherwise, describing me as vulnerable. But the truth is, I like to look good. I talk big talk about trash and recycling, but deep down, I want people to think I have it all together and I want to look good.

I want to be a winner. I want to be the best. I don't want to admit my faults or flaws. I don't want the world to see the ugly parts of me.

It's easier to be vulnerable when deep down I think I have it all together, and the vulnerability is a nice persona. It's harder when it's the real thing, when the vulnerability is raw and needy and broken because that's where I am.

Defeat.

Quote of the day :)

She did not believe that she could ever stop hating Nicky and Lee, until her pastor told her that when God was going to do something wonderful, it started with something hard, and when God was going to do something exquisite, He or She started with an impossibility.

Anne Lamott, Blue Shoe

Vacation is no party.

1980 - Small Vintage Portrait on Particle Board

A few days off have put me into thinking mode, one of my all-time favorite modes, as it were, and I'm sifting through my brain, trying to decide where to go and what to do next in my life. I wish I knew, truly. Today, I'm thinking about opening a thrift store. As yesterday's thinking revealed, dreams are sometimes only images flashing across our brains, without any structure to hold them together.

I wish I could step confidently into the dreams I've had for so long. But what I've found in my life, over and again, is that dreams are never what you think they will be. You fall in love, only to discover the hollowness of the other person. You buy an old car, only to realize that you aren't the hobby mechanic you'd hoped to become. You take a job you'd only just imagined in college could exist, only to find it radically conflicts with who you are as a person.

So I've become a little scared to dream, hesitant to take another step forward only to see a nubile dream die with a thud. I'm scared to discover that being human is really as difficult as it seems to be, full of failings and hardship, slim glimpses of true beauty, followed by slippery hope in something more, something big enough to hold, something more substantial.

I think I've stopped trying to find someone to fall in love with because I've realized it's impossible to manipulate, that some things cannot be made to happen, that some things really are out of our control.

Peace, friends :)

Cover your damn mouth.

Awesome old Starbucks mosaic coffee travel tumbler :)

My friend, who works at a thrift store (to be distinguished from my thrift store friends, an entirely different category), has had an unfortunate number of encounters with fecal matter in her work. From people pooping in dressing rooms, to finding poop in donated clothing, working at a thrift store is a neverending battle with possible disease and the ever-present possibility of upchucking.

I've experienced vomiting children several times. There's nothing like walking into a thrift store, and smelling vomit. Lately, I've been on high alert for coughing children, the ultimate disease carriers. I'm trying to avoid the flu, and every time I see a child coughing, I immediately feel afraid and try to avoid them. And unfortunately, there are a lot of sick people around these parts. When I went out into the country last week, there were signs everywhere warning of a scabies outbreak.

I don't think of myself as a germaphobe, but I think I might be becoming more aware of how susceptible I am to illness, and how important it is for me to protect myself from infection, viruses, etc.

Anyhoo, hope you weren't eating just now :)

Bah!

Current list of things I am tearing my hair out about:

1. On hold for 30+ minutes with student loan company who has the audacity to have one loan, while the other company has seven. Seriously? Yes.
2. Lost my hard drive last night. It died. It decided that life was over and it died. It didn't have a long illness, or struggle desperately to stay alive. It just up and died. And this is why I was at the mall on January 2nd, the last place I ever want to be. The only reason I'm ever there is to go to the Mac store, all for the privilege of feeling like an idiot.

This is why I ate banana pancakes with powdered sugar for lunch at 2pm. This is also why I am going to go make myself a cup of coffee, and drink it whilst listening to the loan guy drone on and on about forbearance, and income blah blah blah. Nevermind. I'll call back later.

Coffee time. Peace out.

I like to use the word 'freakishly'

I am occasionally overly optimistic, and freakishly committed to people who hurt me. It's an endearing quality in my mind, but it can put me in dangerous situations, situations that truly jeopardize my physical and emotional well-being. And then, on the flip side, is the reality that people we love will inevitably hurt us, and vice-versa!

One moment in my life that I will never forget is this awful fight (years ago) I had with my best friend. She was yelling, calling names. I was crying, begging her to stop. I was hurt, disappointed, and totally confused. She loved me. I loved her. How could something so awful happen (and it was awful)? That was a turning point for me in my ability to forgive, and in my ability to really see people three-dimensionally, and to accept that the people who love us will probably hurt us more than anyone else, and it's up to us to decide what to do about that. Do we throw away relationships after one horrible fight, or do we do the hard work of repairing?

After that fight, I've began to notice that close relationships aren't as perfect as I'd once imagined them to be (or fantasized about them being). For example, a few months ago, I had a total meltdown and yelled at a few friends in a not-so-kind way for trying to do something helpful for me. I had to get a major talking-to, and I had to eat it big time. For whatever reason, it was so difficult to admit that I was wrong. I had a right to be mad! They were wrong! But that wasn't what the situation was really about. It was about protecting relationships that mattered to me. And that was worth more than my ego.

Just something I'm chewing on today. Peace out :)

Yeah right you're moving to Canada.

I've been keepin' this in the bull pen for today :)

People love to threaten to move out of the country if the candidate of their choice doesn't win the presidential election. Whatever. Seriously? Your life is that tenuous? Your life is so tied to your external environment that you wouldn't survive with a [insert opposing party here] president in the White House?

Well, here's a hopeful note from someone who's lived with less than she's wanted for a fair bit of time. Get over yourself. The world is not going to end tomorrow if you don't get your way (nor will mine - I have feelings too). Take some time today to remind yourself of all of the things that you already have, that comfort you in the bad times, and remind you of how beautiful life is in all of the other times. And maybe eat a cookie.

I'll be drinking beer tonight watching the results, maybe probably disenchanted, and maybe eating some sweet potato fries, because those are sounding pretty good right now.

Peace out mofos. See you on the flip side :)

How long do I stay?

I tried to find some other reference to this topic in the archives, but I couldn't. I think it's something I've talked about with other people, but haven't discussed here. It's, eh, a vulnerable topic.

I didn't think I'd live in one place this long. I figured I'd be back in South America, or somewhere far more romantic and inspiring. But I've been here for five years, and my feet are firmly planted on solid nutrient-rich ground.

But then I think, is this what I want, for good? Do I want everything to stay the same, stay grounded in one place, of course not stuck, but committed?

It's not the most awesome city in the world, but it's my home, and my life is here. So many people that I love are here. The people in my everyday life are here. My thrift stores are here. The dogs I love are here. Whole Foods is here. My job is here, a job I love, with people I love, and each day filled with meaning and purpose.

But maybe I'd give it all up. Maybe I'd love something more than all that. Maybe.

How long?

The nuclear symbol on a vintage tie - how cool is that?!

Have you ever held on to something for so long that it was unrecognizable? What immediately springs to mind is baby blankies. When I was four, my mother decided that the milestone of my pending entrance into kindergarten warranted throwing my blankie away. Now this was bad, especially for me, but the sentiment was in the right place. She wanted to mark the transition into school by saying, "Hey, you need to leave this behind. New things are coming."

Now that I've written that last thing, I'm starting to think about what I need to leave behind. I cut my hair. It's super short, but no fat face = okay with short hair. I'm actually not terribly unattractive without my usual fro overwhelming my face.

I've made two significant decisions this week: 1) I am no longer having freak-outs. I am calm and cool. I am an adult who handles her business and does not lose it at any given moment. 2) I am no longer chasing men. It hasn't been working, so I'm done. You've all been put on notice, I suppose.

Peace out.

Goodbye false hopes...

So yeah, I am back in the mire of my own brain waves, trying to figure out how to be 30, how to be me, and how to accept the life that I am currently living (without hesitation).

The wonder of it all is that my life is better at this moment than it has ever been. I am happier, more content, and I have more pure joy than I ever did before. But with all of this extra awesomeness comes this new unsettled feeling of, "Is this it? Is this the terribly romantic life I'd planned for myself, full of angst and resolution?"

Maybe those dreams, those hopes, were all just necessary along the way, keeping me alive long enough to get to a place where I didn't need false hope anymore. The idea that somehow, I have to cast aside (throw away!) false hopes that no longer serve me, significantly darkens my countenance.

Lisbeth would have none of these concerns. She'd just be a bad ass.

Ambiguity breeds anxiety :(

Skipper, the ultimate in waiting..."When will I be Barbie?"

I thought that after graduating, it might take a while to feel like myself again, but I'm finding that I only get moments here and there where I really feel sane and stable. Don't get me wrong; I'm not unstable, but I just feel, well, different.

Being in school, no matter how hard I worked, little I slept, and how poorly I cooked for myself (oatmeal x three = a day's worth of meals), I always had a purpose, a destination. And most days, especially 99% of the days of last year, I was genuinely happy with my life. But today, me with a masters degree is less happy and satisfied than me without said degree. And that doesn't make me happy.

I don't like being a pessimist, a cynic, a complainer. It's one thing to complain about Syria, Afghanistan, or factory farming, but it's just not admirable to be a stick-in-the-mud for no reason other than "Well, I dunno. I just don't feel like myself."

I spoke with a colleague this morning about this phenomenon, and he replied, "Yeah, that never goes away."

Sheesh.

All the water is pouring out.

What can I say? Sweat is pouring down my face, and I don't know if I can hydrate fast enough to replenish it. It reminds me of the jungle, so I should probably be paying more attention to my water intake than I am, or I may begin taking on water and looking swollen (not pretty, friends).

In Brazil, they drink hot drinks in an effort to stay cool. No matter how hard I try, I can't get on board that train. Hot just makes me more hot. I am currently sitting with a hot cup of coffee and becoming very aware of my American need for ice.

I was thinking about offering up an online dating update today, but my computer is on the fritz and I'm going to the Apple store in the mall (I know! Me at the mall!) to see if they can help me, and I need to leave right now.

Peace out :)

eBay customer rant

Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon. Have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

~ Tracy Jordan (30 Rock)

I receive offers weekly where potential buyers literally beg me to sell them an item for a particular price. Now, I have a "Best Offer" feature on most of my listings, and I welcome offers, but I hate these interactions. Each of them is more insulting than the last. I reject them all, regardless of the amount. I am not your savior! You will not die if you don't have these shoes, or these hair clips. It is not my responsibility (as a stranger!) to take care of you. Do you go to the grocery store and beg the checkers to sell you groceries for less than the asking price? Is begging via eBay really your bottom? Do you need to debase yourself to feel worthy? Seriously, if that's all you've got, that's all you've got, but own it already! Be who you are without apology.

Rant over. Peace out.

Good Sunday to you :)

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Eleanor Roosevelt

A great thing happened today: I went rock climbing (at a climbing gym) for the first time ever, and I went all the way to the ceiling! It was awesome, and I thought you should know. It seems like the scariest thing ever, since you're hanging onto a wall with your fingertips and the side of your foot, but then you just take one step at a time, and eventually you're there! My friends who took me go all the time (they're fiends), so they were super positive and encouraging, and I felt really supported. I figured out that I don't like being told what to do when I'm in the middle of doing it. I need to be able to focus as much as possible on the task at hand, and voices calling out to me where to put the foot I can't see (on the 2" rock I also cannot see) are simply not helpful to me.

So that was good to know about myself. I hadn't quite put those two things together before. See how much I love personal development? I think everyone should do things that scare them just for the heck of it, and we'd all be better people. Unfortunately, I think that a lot of people do drugs and join gangs in an effort to confront their own fears, and this isn't usually a good idea. So maybe the ethos isn't perfect, but it's worth thinking about.

Peace out.

Thrift Share Monday :)

Vintage clip-on earrings - no signature, but aren't they awesome?

I am being really hard on myself right now. I usually assume that everyone thinks as poorly about me as I do about myself. I don't know that this is true. I've been told that it isn't. These moments (and I have them every once in a while) are full of comparisons to other people, and self-flagellation about not being A, B, or C when I reach age thirty less than two months from now.

Laurel Burch "Toucan" earrings - very fun :)

I wish I thought less of myself, as in, thought I was less important. But I was raised to believe that the world's emotional health was entirely dependent upon me, and that's a tough false belief to shake.

I just know that someone out there would love these, just not me.

When we thrift, like as a lifestyle, nothing is ever perfect. We may see it as perfect, but let's face it. Think of all the hands that touched it before you found it. How's that for perfection? I don't know why I allow everything else in my life to be imperfect, yet continue to expect myself to somehow rise above and defy gravity.

I suppose sometimes I imagine that other people need me to be perfect in order to keep loving me, and my love of thrift is my statement to the world that I will, in fact, never be perfect, and everyone just needs to deal with it. Now if only I could get my frontal lobe involved in this operation...

Linking up with Apron Thrift Girl :)

What I won't buy

I buy food from discard food stores that look like they should be shut down. This includes vitamins, coffee, tampons (which I've recently given up completely), and cereal.

I always buy used shoes and clothing. I recently bought a new container of baby powder. I buy bras, but not in bad condition, and I NEVER buy underwear. I really went through it a couple years back trying to figure out how to solve the "underwear in thrift stores" problem, but to no avail.

I buy swimsuits that do not appear to be used. I buy stuffed animals very rarely if they're vintage. Most of the thrift stores I go to are very happy to test items, or mark them as tested, so I would have no problem buying blenders or food processors.

Now I'm on a roll.

Rugs can be cleaned. Comforters can be cleaned. Let's reuse instead of buying new!

Also, I'm a big fan of cleaning products that don't hurt the earth, but clean the stuff I get at thrift stores, because I get a lot of stuff that needs cleaning, and it isn't worth the purchase if it can't be reused effectively, or if it's going to gross someone out or make someone sick.

My comment on a recent post from Thrift Core

Oh man, after I wrote this, I reread it, and realized how marginal I am. I love who I am, but in some ways, I worry about exposing these parts of myself to other people. I don't want people to be disgusted by me. But I also am very passionate about figuring out ways to use what is already available. I'm all about the dumpster diving, but I only do it for boxes, because I have an image to maintain for my real job and all. Also, I have an autoimmune disease, and I don't like to mess around with that. But I completely support it, and think everyone should do it.

Helga.

My parents have a cleaning lady. She is disorganized and is constantly misplacing important things. The conversation goes, "Oh no! Helga will be here in 15 minutes. Hide your stuff!" Seriously, it's ridiculous. I have told them a dozen times that they need to let her go, that she isn't doing a good job, and they shouldn't be paying someone to do such a terrible job. Yet she remains.

I just spoke with my mom, and the issue of Helga came up. She is up to her same old shenanigans (though she is not Irish), and I think I'm now reconciled to this reality. She cleans the house. She does a bad job, but she does it, and they need the help. They both work constantly, and need someone to come in regularly to make sure that they don't get buried beneath student papers.

This woman is unemployable in any other situation. It's a gift to allow her to be herself and not demand that she change who she is, or become a person different from who she is (Don't even get me started on how she doesn't bring her own cleaning products). Anyhow, the moral of the story is to allow people to be who they are. I don't exactly believe it in this instance, but I do appreciate the fact that my parents are far less judgmental and stingy than I am.

Saddened silence

Vintage Mug - Bernad Creations 1950

I am super sad right now. Yesterday, I was confronted with my emotional limitations, and I don't think I've eaten in almost 24 hours. I don't know what I'm going to do to make things better, or how I'm going to do it. I had a date last night, and now in the chilly light of day, I think I'm going to choose to be single for the rest of my life, not because it's what I want, but because it's just plain easier, and any other alternative requires emotional energy I don't have, or perhaps don't have to give.

For those who know and love me, I am just wallowing in self-loathing and self-pity. I am continuing the cycle that began a very long time ago, and it doesn't appear to be ending anytime soon. I used to cry when I thought about my limitations. Now I just sit in saddened silence.

Hope for better.

Vintage Christian Dior Eyeglasses - yeah buddy :)

There's a Lori McKenna song that I listened to on repeat last fall. I couldn't get enough of it. It made me feel like someone was speaking from my heart; someone understood how it felt to always be the most honest and vulnerable person in the room.

It seemed like I'd always been in a relationship with someone who cared enough to sleep with me, but not enough to be seen with me. And over and over I felt alone in my feelings, judged by my friends for staying with men who treated me badly, and judged by the significant (?) other for always being too much.

I suppose those experiences taught me to be less expectant, less dependent upon other people for supporting my emotional well-bring. And that's a good thing, no matter what. Today, I'm pretty glad I had a tough time after my first big heartbreak. It's been thirteen years, and I've learned so much about life and love and other people. It's difficult to be bitter when so much good has come out of so much pain. But I'd never tell that seventeen-year-old that her heartache was a good thing. I'd tell her that it was going to hurt more than she ever expected, but that many many years later, things would get better.

"The Grape Harvest"

Based on a mosaic of a Millard Sheets piece in Southern California

After a party last night, I'm in a weird place in my head. I spent some time this afternoon wrapped up in my hammock. My friend helped me put it up this morning. Everything is better with my hammock up in a tree. How have I gone five years without it?

I'm having this sudden insecurity brought on by the online dating thing. Suddenly it matters what I say and what I do, and how others perceive me. It's why I'm so bad at interviews, but great at my job. There's something inside me that just shuts down when I know I'm being watched and judged. I wish there were a cure, but there isn't. It's a big part of who I am, and a large reason I put forward a strong sense of self most of the time. I'm afraid of being watched and being found wanting.

So I recycle things that have been discarded by their previous owners. In doing that, I challenge the world to tell me that it's trash. I don't believe it's trash, so how can you? I approach myself in the same way. I'm a bad ass. I dare you to say otherwise. Most of the time, I'm okay. But it's also why I haven't interviewed in over a year. It's my ultimate fear so I find every way I can to avoid it. But now I'm in a place (back to dating again) where I don't want to be avoidant. I want to put myself out there. But the fear is palpable, and in some ways, paralyzing.

I'm going to have a talk with myself right now, see if we can get this all sorted out.

Peace out.