Celebrate good times, come on!

Vintage Tiki Hula Girl Boob Mug from Harvey's

I've spent the morning researching PhD programs outside of California. Those non-resident fees are astronomical! Don't bother getting a PhD without getting a research or teaching assistant position, which will likely give you automatic resident status and give you a stipend or scholarship in return.

I don't want to be a "doctor" per se, but I continue to run into the reality that I think in a research/clinical way, and my work does not particularly allow me to pursue these things actively. I love to research and write. I don't necessarily want to do tests on people, or rats, or monkeys. I just want to write about the thoughts in my head. I think that's a reasonable goal for a doctoral program - Dear Dean of Admissions, I'm brilliant and I need to share it with the world. Please accept me. You won't regret it. You'll be happy you did.

I tried to do this as a seventeen-year-old applying to the honors program at my university. It didn't work out so well. It made sense to me, but I guess they diagnosed me with narcissism, and threw the essay away. I'm struggling a lot with self-doubt right now, and will be spending the next two weeks trying to work through that. I don't think I want to go back to school. I think I just want to go to Montana, and meet some lumberjack with a thick beard who will appreciate my intellect, and write poems about trees.

Actually, I'm less interested in men than I ever have been. It's pretty wonderful. I highly recommend it. I think I've dealt with some issues surrounding my feelings of inadequacy about being single. Or maybe I'm just pretending. Who knows?

Anyhoo, good to have you. Please come again :)

New goals :)

Vintage framed oil painting - dated 1952

1. Walking a marathon
2. Climb a mountain - Be on top of everything
3. Kill honeysuckle in yard
4. Find a new project to immerse myself in :)

Right now, I'm particularly thinking about #4. I feel like I have huge chunks of time that are filled with me being tired, but not sleeping, not working, just tired. And something can be done with this time, and I don't think it's finishing Anna Karenina. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I'm going to start painting large canvases with abstract nudes, paying more attention to my victory garden, or finding a way to open my MCC thrift store.

Graduating without plans to pursue a PhD means I will eventually have to figure out a way to fill the time I once packed to the gills with papers that made no sense, working like a fiend, and occasionally feeding myself with bowls of raisin bran.

I'll let you know what I come up with :)

Thrift store conversations.

You can be a mommy, beauty queen, cowgirl, artist, nurse...

Two female thrift store employees, one seasoned (always acting like a know-it-all), one a newbie (with Megan's internal monologue).

Seasoned: So you're in school?

Newbie: Yeah, I'm going to [local community college].

Seasoned: What's your major?

Newbie: Oh well, I dunno. I'm really not sure what I'm doing. What's your major?

Seasoned: Oh! Psychology. I love it. Dear God no!!!

Newbie: Oh! I want to look into that. No no no no no no no!!!

Seasoned: Oh, it's great. You should take a couple classes and see what you think. Um, no, you should choose a major that will get you an actual paying job so you can pay off your loans.

Newbie: Yeah, but what jobs can you even get with a degree in psychology? None, run away now. Get a degree in engineering. Math classes, physics, etc. Do it. Do it now.

Seasoned: Oh! So many. You can be a psych tech in a hospital. Um, no one does that in California dear. Or you can do research, or you can, well, there are a lot of things you can do. I'm going to be a counselor, like in a school.

Newbie: Oh, how long do you go to school for that? Um, a really long time. And you'll go into a lot of debt, honey. Get an employable degree.

Seasoned: Oh, you can get a masters degree, but you don't have to. Um, yes you do. In order to be employed, you absolutely do.

At this point, Megan has to leave, as to avoid getting into a conversation with twenty-year-olds wherein she acts like a crazy person, eavesdropping and interrupting. Crazy moment averted. Score.

Being bilingual :)

A rare find from a local artist :)

Not being bilingual in english and spanish makes my life difficult pretty much every day, and for a long time, I've berated myself for it. But last summer, I made the decision to start learning, since I had more time after graduation. I watched videos on YouTube, listened to Spanish radio, and started to pay attention to people speaking Spanish in thrift stores.

I found that I knew a lot more than I thought I did. I didn't take Spanish in high school (I took French because of ballet - whatever), but I grew up in California and have always had a lot of interaction with Spanish-speakers. My stepdad spoke Spanish because of his work. My college roommate dated a Spanish-speaker. I traveled to Peru. Somehow all of these things, though brief and seemingly insignificant, have created space in my brain for Spanish. And since most people in thrift stores are talking about simple things like, "Does this good on me?" and "Can I have a toy, Mommy?", I'm able to get some momentum with my Spanish.

Anyhoo, I think it's important for people to be able to communicate, and I know how important it is for me in my community and neighborhood to be able to communicate in Spanish, not because it's necessary (I could avoid it if I wanted to), but because in some ways, I think it shows respect to people who would otherwise assume otherwise from someone like me.

Books are awesome :)

These old mugs are super fun, not for any particularly funny reason though :)

So having school be the top priority in my life over the past five years, I have whittled my life down to the bare necessities: eating, yoga, occasional sunshine, writing, and paying the bills. These things have kept me sane in a very rocky, turmoil-filled time, and I made it! Yay! But now, all of that stress and constant need-to-perform is over, and I'm left with this emptiness in my life that I have to figure out how to fill.

It's not that my life is bad, or that I'm lacking in love or nurturing in some particular way, but some other inertia that I no longer have. I no longer have an ever-present goal I'm reaching for. And that creates a displaced feeling in my soul that I can't quite rid myself of.

So I've been reading The Hunger Games trilogy like a madwoman. I stayed up 'til midnight last night reading like my younger nine-year-old self. I'm funny that way with kid books. I do the same thing with Nancy Drew. When I lived in the jungle, I stayed up so late, I had to use a flashlight in bed to keep reading. Nerdin' out. Like a mofo.

Theology...blah, blah, blah

I presented my senior paper for the second time this morning. It's about the theology of place and how land and places and buildings and dirt can be knit into our souls. Blah, blah, blah. I reread parts of it last night, and became fairly convinced that I was stoned when I wrote it.

I kept thinking about people though, this morning, when I was sitting on that step stool looking all smart and shit. I kept thinking about the people that are knit into my soul, the people that feel like home to me. I had to stop myself from talking about things that I shouldn't have been talking about though, because there were only 45min, and I could have talked for hours about the places and people in my own soul, and the love and commitment found therein. My own brain is scattered with all the houses I've ever lived in.

I know I've talked about this before, but it's been hitting me in a whole new way, this idea that other people change us fundamentally, and that we cannot truly leave another person. We may not speak to a person for ages, but some people really do leave marks on us, proof that they were there. And to be sure, some people naturally leave deeper marks than others: parents, childhood friends, first loves, siblings. Good, bad, it's all there. There are some people you will just love forever (or hate forever, if you choose to do so).

Peace out :)

Ambiguity breeds anxiety :(

Skipper, the ultimate in waiting..."When will I be Barbie?"

I thought that after graduating, it might take a while to feel like myself again, but I'm finding that I only get moments here and there where I really feel sane and stable. Don't get me wrong; I'm not unstable, but I just feel, well, different.

Being in school, no matter how hard I worked, little I slept, and how poorly I cooked for myself (oatmeal x three = a day's worth of meals), I always had a purpose, a destination. And most days, especially 99% of the days of last year, I was genuinely happy with my life. But today, me with a masters degree is less happy and satisfied than me without said degree. And that doesn't make me happy.

I don't like being a pessimist, a cynic, a complainer. It's one thing to complain about Syria, Afghanistan, or factory farming, but it's just not admirable to be a stick-in-the-mud for no reason other than "Well, I dunno. I just don't feel like myself."

I spoke with a colleague this morning about this phenomenon, and he replied, "Yeah, that never goes away."

Sheesh.

Love them anyway :)

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

 ~ Kent M. Keith 

When I was in high school, and going through a pretty difficult time in my life (parent in the hospital), my school found it prudent to send me to a sports psychologist. Whatever. That was the last thing I needed at the time. They might as well have sent me to an accountant. I was sixteen, and my life was falling apart. I did not need to talk about swimming.

But he was a wonderful man, who really wanted to help me, but who, because of his credentials, could only do so under the auspices of sports psychology. Now that I'm older, I know that he could have done it differently and still have been ethical, but I guess he did the best he could with the information he was given. I admit that I was a particularly difficult teenager, who probably said that nothing was wrong, so I really can't blame the guy for trying.

My heroes were Ralph Waldo Emerson and David Thoreau. I was a romantic, a dreamer, at my core. So when he gave me this poem, it became incredibly formational in my approach to life. The ideas spoke to me in my I-refuse-to-be-cynical view of the world. They told me that there was power in my choices. It gave me hope to think that there were other people in the world who fought as hard as I did.

That thought still gives me hope :)

Not enough makeup

Time travel with authentic Jacobean embroidery!

So over the past five years, I have worked myself into a continual semi-conscious state by putting myself through school - by myself. I never payed a cent for tuition; unfortunately, my government loans did all of that (ack, repayment!), but I did do the rest mostly by myself (minus some dollars here and there from scholarships and loan overflow). Boo-yah.

Unfortunately, this doesn't feel like such a big deal on the flip side. Now it feels like I'm some sort of hippie dreamer who wears used clothing and got a masters degree for fun. I don't wear enough makeup to be taken seriously. I swear everyone's teeth were whiter than mine at the ceremony on Saturday. I had a weird growth on my eyebrow. And then when it was all over, I ate a burger made of beets.

It really just couldn't get any worse.

Oh happy day!

I just got home from my graduation "gala" where I froze my freakin' butt off. Sometimes the event is burning hot, but tonight it was so cold. I put my hair up. I don't know what it looked like from behind, but it looked awesome from the front. I finally bought some super glue and fixed my pearls so I could wear them.

My mom wouldn't stop saying how "fucking proud" of me she is. My dad kept beaming with misty eyes. It was pretty great. Tonight has reminded me that I have made a life for myself in the last five years, a whole meaningful life with people who love me warts and all. When we got into the car and managed to stop our teeth from chattering, I told them how glad I am to have them with me, because when we're together, I make sense.

Dear L & J, Thanks for loving me. I couldn't have done it without you. I love you both so much.-M

A gay affair

My friend Vanessa over at Thrift Core has a booth at an antique store, and writes regularly about how to keep a booth fresh and profitable. The more I think about it, the more I think it's a great idea. Why not? It would allow me to put inventory somewhere other than my home, and would allow me to utilize all of those "fun finds" that often go unnoticed online. I don't know. It's an idea.

The dryer at our house is broken and squeaking like a mofo, so all of my clothes are outside right now drying in the wind. There's a miniature orchard in our backyard, and I think that graduation means I deserve to put my hammock up in the shade. It will be my napping/reading spot. I just need someone to help me with knotting the ropes. I also don't have any rope, so I'll need that too.

Tomorrow is the graduation banquet. We call it a "gala", but no one dresses that nice. You know the stereotype about the poor graduate student? It's a real thing. I went shopping last weekend at an outlet mall. I was shocked to see people spend more than $3 for a top. Pretty much every year at the gala, I wear one of two dresses I got from our school's clothes closet. What's better than free, baby?!

Grad Plans #2

I am having so much anxiety about the overarching theme of graduation. Sure, the ceremony will be great, and the banquet, and the time with family and friends. But this burning in my chest is more than indigestion; it's total fear.

People in my cohort have jobs. People in my cohort are going to get paid, and soon. And I am going to continue to do the things I've been doing all along, because change would be too much for me. Is that sad? Pathetic? I'm not sure that it isn't. There are student loans to pay, and health insurance options to find. And somehow I'm stuck. My brain is stuck. I can't move. I've panicked into stillness.

The beginning of this year, for various reasons (i.e. moving), was horrific. So I'm gradually shifting into the next phase, and that has to be okay for me. I have to accept myself and all of my limitations. I have to accept that I need time and space, and piles of books from the library to ease the transition. I need to order my Slovenia: 1945 book and start to dream again about writing. I need space to move around in. I need rest, and silence, and lots and lots of hugs.

And then, eventually, when I least expect it, I can move on.

Grad plans #1

My outfit plan for graduation:

1. Orange linen dress from Salvation Army, altered from a long dress (for a less tall person) to a mid-knee dress, perfect for moi. I got the thumbs-up from the seamstress when I tried it on. She was super sweet. I love that I found a good eco-friendly dry cleaner next to a good shoe repair shop. An extra plus? There's a post office there too :)
2. Pearl earrings, a gift from my friends who traveled to India my first year at the seminary. They need to be fixed so I can wear them.
3. Turquoise beaded sandals, thrifted a few months ago when it was definitely not sandal weather. They're so awesome, I can't stand it.
4. My new red ring! I sold some Frye boots, so I had enough money to cover it. I didn't expect to do it before graduation, but then I got antsy when I found exactly what I wanted.
5. I'd like to have my hair done up. It's still pretty short, but I think that if I have enough bobby bins, I'll be fine. Here is something that resembles the look I'm going for. I don't know if I can make it work, but I'm gonna try.

I needed to make a plan to orient myself to a time of celebration. Now I need to figure out how to have a party, even though I'm not really a party girl. How can I incorporate recycling into a fun-for-all soiree?

Thrift Share Monday :)

I think this first kit is so great. I can't wait to sell it so someone will enjoy it and hang it up in a hipster pub somewhere. If I don't sell it in the next month or two, I think I'll keep it and give it to my pub-owning friends ;) I just want it to be loved by someone. Is that too much to ask?

Erica Wilson!

Tree + clouds + wildflowers = pretty boring by Erica Wilson standards, but this crewel embroidery kit is lovely and complete, so I got it anyway. Because who am I to decide what people should or shouldn't like, right?

Not complete - just instructions :(

This map of Frisia is humongous! I really do wish that it could be a complete kit, but I hope some brave soul will see it and take the time to honor their ancestors through embroidery. This includes instructions in several of the languages that one might find in this area: English, French, Danish, Dutch (who knew there was a difference?), Dutch (another dialect maybe?), and German. Wow.

I really miss Flemish though. Come on, people. Flemish is the new Chinese. Pass it on.

 

I figured someone out in the world would collect this set of letters by Lanarte, but I was concerned that the all-Dutch instructions would be a turn-off. No biggie. I sold it this week, and it hadn't been listed but a few short weeks. Yay!

I think I've decided (inspired by my affinity for finding vintage embroidery kits) that I will spend some time stitching after graduation. Think of all that I will be able to create! If I decide to go to Central America for a little while, I will be guaranteed some soothing activity to bring with me on the trip. Also, this will put me in touch with my nine-year-old self, who I really have been needing to reconnect with.

Linking up with Apron Thrift Girl.

P.S. Sorry for my absence faithful readers. I am graduating in three weeks, and my life overflows. I lost all desire to blog. My apologies. So, in an attempt to be human and do the things I love at the same time, I am going to slowly transition back to the blog. Today is my first attempt.

Thrift Share Monday :)

 

I've bought several pairs of vintage Florsheim men's shoes in the past month. I was initially looking for a new revenue source, and looked for what brands were selling well, and I noticed that I wasn't purchasing vintage men's shoes. I'd been focusing on women's shoes. Here's a look at what I'd been missing.

I've found that good photos are key to selling vintage shoes. The more photos, the better. Remember how much you appreciate the experience of touching the items you buy in a store. I think that research is key here. The same shoe can be listed, but only one sells. Why? Sometimes, it's just dumb luck. But most of the time, in my humble unlearn-ed opinion, it's because of the research that goes on before the item is listed.

For example, I found a website with all of the Florsheim styles and their names. Of course, now that I want to give it to you, I can't find it for the life of me. It's okay though, because I looked through 500 styles and didn't find the one I was looking for.

I have really started to pay attention to how I personally react (thought-wise) to how people are dressed. It ain't pretty. I have less respect for people who aren't dressed well, regardless of who they are. It got me to thinking that school uniforms are pretty important. When you feel good about how you look, you act differently. The social concept of dress is important. In Brazil, you did not go out, "into town", without your best clothes on, ever. How often do I walk out of my house looking less than my best? I haven't washed my hair in five days.

In sum, you'll feel better with a nice pair of long-lasting shoes.

Linking up with Apron Thrift Girl.

Coffee filters don't degrade quickly.

 

I have begun transferring dirt from the rotting pile to the dirt pile. I have a cement double sink outside and I use it to compost my crap. The coffee filters are ridiculous, but everything else seems to decompose pretty quickly. I'm going to have to start using the dirt for something, but I'm not much of a gardener. I'm more of a dirt lover, a maker of mud pies and the like. I don't know. I guess I just feel like it's a guaranteed failure. I kill plants, so I figure I'll just keep things from dying and never try.

If you know something is going to fail, is there really any sense in trying? I started an MA program 4.5 years ago, and it was clear from the beginning that I was not going to make it. I fell apart so often that I lived in an almost constant suicidal depression. I was in over my head before I even knew what was happening, and I was a pretty smart cookie. I grasped at anything and everything, used sex to cope, and in a kind of broken-down delusional state, was still left with an intangible determination.

Now here I am, all these years later, and I am a different person. Few people got to see the transition-it was ugly and I remember little of it. But I know that it happened, because I am alive. Somehow, in the end, I got composted. And like non-food products, I was pretty tough to break down.

Am I a white moderate?

It's only the beginning of March, but I'm tired. I'm ready for the school year to end. I'm ready to rest. Honestly, I'm less anxious when I'm not in school, more carefree. I feel no guilt for reading trashy books, and I feel no guilt for reading on my couch for days on end. Maybe I'll even do what I said I'd do last summer and put my hammock up in the backyard. Who knows what could happen?

I am feeling sick, but I want to stay up and watch more television and read more blog posts from my online friends. I think I need to parent myself and make myself go to bed early.

Martin Luther King Jr's "Letter from Birmingham Jail" came up today in a meeting. If you need some inspiration, I suggest reading it at some point. It's especially interesting to read what MLK had to say about "white moderates" and how they are blocking the path to true peace. It makes me wonder how I am behaving in this way. Am I ignoring injustice because it's inconvenient?

I'm gonna sleep on it. Peace out mofos.

I want to learn Spanish.

About a week ago, I decided that I would like to take the summer (or possibly the next year) to learn Spanish. It will change my marketability, career-wise, and help me to communicate better within my profession. Thus, the summer idea was born. Here are my current ideas.

1. Bogata, Columbia
2. Somewhere in Mexico where I know people
3. Venezuela to be a political radical
4. Argentina to find Slovenians
5. And the old favorite, your single brother/uncle/cousin's abode in Chile where I can walk around topless care-free?

I am scared to leave for a long time. The last time I left the country, my whole life changed, and I like my life right now. I don't want my life to be drastically different. I know that regardless of whether I travel abroad, completing school will be a drastic change, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for much more than that.

Ah, melancholy...

During the past couple days, I got a lot of writing done. From my current estimation, I have about nineteen pages. There are whole sections which have not yet been addressed, so I'm not close to done. I am, however, starting to have a melancholy feeling about the end of an era. This is no-man's land. I have never been anywhere that looks remotely like this place, and I want to run far, far away.

So now, I'm going to eat a piece of cake.

My pending memoir :)

Retreats are awesome! Every once in a while, I should find a place and just go. Of course, this time, I'm working the entire time and I'm physically and mentally exhausted, but someday, I will not be a student, and maybe I can write a novel or my ever-pending memoir. Imagine the possibilities! Blue sky outside the window, maybe a beach, or some other wonderful view. It's lovely to be with someone you love too. It makes the whole thing enjoyable, even if it's work.

Also, the television show that I'm newly hooked on at this particular moment-watching it at the end of a long day is all the sweeter after so much mind-numbing paper-writing.