My writing career

I just finished reading a memoir by Jennifer Lehr, Ill-equipped for a Life of Sex, and am stuck in a moment wondering if I'll ever have a book in me. I desperately want to write a memoir, but I don't know what I'd write about (i.e. which topic, among many, I would even choose), and I don't have the motivation to write one. I write a lot, but it's mostly just messy complaining combined with trying to figure out the crazy mixed-up mind that I have. There are no stories in me save the stories of my own life. There are no vibrant characters I'm longing to bring out, just me.

But where do I begin to tell stories that involve other people? Where do I begin to tell stories that are, and always will be, unfinished? And how do I do those things, and keep doing my job(s), and paying the bills which I always seem to be behind on? And who will read it?

Olympic Swimming :)

French Lead Crystal Goblets - Pompadour Pattern

I am having so much trouble watching the Olympics. It makes me really sad. I had to have a talk with myself this afternoon to get over the disappointment. I had to figure out why I was sad.

When I was a kid, let's see, over the past almost 30 years, I have seen many Olympic games. It was always a beloved thing in my family, and every four years, we sat together and enjoyed the solidarity and beauty of the games. As an adolescent, my swim coach brought a television to the pool and we'd watch in between sets. National-level swimming got me through high school, in a way. The idea of somehow rising to that level kept me motivated to train for years on end. The Olympics were like some far-off dream of all that swimming was meant to be. They inspired me to think big, even when those who believed in me most told me I'd never measure up.

And I didn't. I was a mediocre swimmer at best. I was the hardest worker in the pool, and certainly formidable as a high school swimmer in a small country pond, but as a year-round club swimmer, I was always in the middle of the pack, usually on the slower end. The Olympics make me sad because they represent the idea that we each have greatness inside of us, that we each have the capacity to be "The Best" at some thing. But now that I'm an adult, and my competitive swimming days are done (and I'm glad about that), I don't know how I'm gonna find greatness in my life. I don't know how I'm going to prove to myself that I'm good enough. I thought those letters after my name would help, but they really don't.

I imagine that at the end of the day, gold medals aren't that awesome anyway for those who win them. I imagine that they feel amazing for a while, as well they should, but then life goes quickly back to normal, and the winner still has to face their own humanity. That's how life seems to work out for me anyway.

There was a time, a moment in time, that I was crazy fast (crazy stupid fast). And when that moment passed, I was done swimming. I proved to myself that I had it in me, and then I was done. I got out of that pool, and never looked back. So when I have moments like this, like I'm having right now, wishing my life had turned out differently, I remember that moment, and it's all worth it.

Grad plans #1

My outfit plan for graduation:

1. Orange linen dress from Salvation Army, altered from a long dress (for a less tall person) to a mid-knee dress, perfect for moi. I got the thumbs-up from the seamstress when I tried it on. She was super sweet. I love that I found a good eco-friendly dry cleaner next to a good shoe repair shop. An extra plus? There's a post office there too :)
2. Pearl earrings, a gift from my friends who traveled to India my first year at the seminary. They need to be fixed so I can wear them.
3. Turquoise beaded sandals, thrifted a few months ago when it was definitely not sandal weather. They're so awesome, I can't stand it.
4. My new red ring! I sold some Frye boots, so I had enough money to cover it. I didn't expect to do it before graduation, but then I got antsy when I found exactly what I wanted.
5. I'd like to have my hair done up. It's still pretty short, but I think that if I have enough bobby bins, I'll be fine. Here is something that resembles the look I'm going for. I don't know if I can make it work, but I'm gonna try.

I needed to make a plan to orient myself to a time of celebration. Now I need to figure out how to have a party, even though I'm not really a party girl. How can I incorporate recycling into a fun-for-all soiree?