A challenging task

 

I am not feeling so great about myself right now. I feel like people are judging me for having a masters degree and not having a solid plan for my life. And these aren't imaginary people - these are people I love! So I'm sitting here trying to convince myself that somehow it's more important to be myself than it is to be who other people expect me to be, even when those people are the people I love most in the world. That's a challenging task.

In school, I had a teacher who scared me, and no matter how much time I spent with this person, I never felt truly accepted. I felt small, and insignificant; not enough. As time went by, I realized that even though I respected this person more than I respected myself, I had to let go of the need to be accepted by them. In order to maintain my own sanity, I had to throw away the idea that my identity somehow hinged on their perception of me, even though that perception was super important to how I saw myself as a person and professional.

So now to be faced with that same dilemma in any form is only a stiff reminder of how important it is to love myself first. I will crumble if I allow an imagined perception of someone else's judgement to determine who I am, even though my faith tells me that other people are more important than me.

Feelings of lost-ness

Handmade Hmong quilted wall hanging

There is a deep melancholy that comes with graduating. My bachelors degree came and went, and I don't quite recall what I did afterwards. I kept my three jobs, and enjoyed quality book time and wandering the aisles at the public library. I think I mostly just lost myself in a terrible relationship that all started with a black string bikini and a Winnebago. I started training for an Ironman triathlon, and got diagnosed with diabetes and epilepsy.

Graduating didn't make my life fall apart, but it gave me less structure to cope when life did fall apart. I think I've created a significant structure now that will help to alleviate some of that lost-ness that I experienced eight years ago. Mostly I need to ride out the weirdness. Maybe I'll also go to the beach a couple times.

Oh happy day!

I just got home from my graduation "gala" where I froze my freakin' butt off. Sometimes the event is burning hot, but tonight it was so cold. I put my hair up. I don't know what it looked like from behind, but it looked awesome from the front. I finally bought some super glue and fixed my pearls so I could wear them.

My mom wouldn't stop saying how "fucking proud" of me she is. My dad kept beaming with misty eyes. It was pretty great. Tonight has reminded me that I have made a life for myself in the last five years, a whole meaningful life with people who love me warts and all. When we got into the car and managed to stop our teeth from chattering, I told them how glad I am to have them with me, because when we're together, I make sense.

Dear L & J, Thanks for loving me. I couldn't have done it without you. I love you both so much.-M

A gay affair

My friend Vanessa over at Thrift Core has a booth at an antique store, and writes regularly about how to keep a booth fresh and profitable. The more I think about it, the more I think it's a great idea. Why not? It would allow me to put inventory somewhere other than my home, and would allow me to utilize all of those "fun finds" that often go unnoticed online. I don't know. It's an idea.

The dryer at our house is broken and squeaking like a mofo, so all of my clothes are outside right now drying in the wind. There's a miniature orchard in our backyard, and I think that graduation means I deserve to put my hammock up in the shade. It will be my napping/reading spot. I just need someone to help me with knotting the ropes. I also don't have any rope, so I'll need that too.

Tomorrow is the graduation banquet. We call it a "gala", but no one dresses that nice. You know the stereotype about the poor graduate student? It's a real thing. I went shopping last weekend at an outlet mall. I was shocked to see people spend more than $3 for a top. Pretty much every year at the gala, I wear one of two dresses I got from our school's clothes closet. What's better than free, baby?!

Grad Plans #2

I am having so much anxiety about the overarching theme of graduation. Sure, the ceremony will be great, and the banquet, and the time with family and friends. But this burning in my chest is more than indigestion; it's total fear.

People in my cohort have jobs. People in my cohort are going to get paid, and soon. And I am going to continue to do the things I've been doing all along, because change would be too much for me. Is that sad? Pathetic? I'm not sure that it isn't. There are student loans to pay, and health insurance options to find. And somehow I'm stuck. My brain is stuck. I can't move. I've panicked into stillness.

The beginning of this year, for various reasons (i.e. moving), was horrific. So I'm gradually shifting into the next phase, and that has to be okay for me. I have to accept myself and all of my limitations. I have to accept that I need time and space, and piles of books from the library to ease the transition. I need to order my Slovenia: 1945 book and start to dream again about writing. I need space to move around in. I need rest, and silence, and lots and lots of hugs.

And then, eventually, when I least expect it, I can move on.

Grad plans #1

My outfit plan for graduation:

1. Orange linen dress from Salvation Army, altered from a long dress (for a less tall person) to a mid-knee dress, perfect for moi. I got the thumbs-up from the seamstress when I tried it on. She was super sweet. I love that I found a good eco-friendly dry cleaner next to a good shoe repair shop. An extra plus? There's a post office there too :)
2. Pearl earrings, a gift from my friends who traveled to India my first year at the seminary. They need to be fixed so I can wear them.
3. Turquoise beaded sandals, thrifted a few months ago when it was definitely not sandal weather. They're so awesome, I can't stand it.
4. My new red ring! I sold some Frye boots, so I had enough money to cover it. I didn't expect to do it before graduation, but then I got antsy when I found exactly what I wanted.
5. I'd like to have my hair done up. It's still pretty short, but I think that if I have enough bobby bins, I'll be fine. Here is something that resembles the look I'm going for. I don't know if I can make it work, but I'm gonna try.

I needed to make a plan to orient myself to a time of celebration. Now I need to figure out how to have a party, even though I'm not really a party girl. How can I incorporate recycling into a fun-for-all soiree?

Am I a white moderate?

It's only the beginning of March, but I'm tired. I'm ready for the school year to end. I'm ready to rest. Honestly, I'm less anxious when I'm not in school, more carefree. I feel no guilt for reading trashy books, and I feel no guilt for reading on my couch for days on end. Maybe I'll even do what I said I'd do last summer and put my hammock up in the backyard. Who knows what could happen?

I am feeling sick, but I want to stay up and watch more television and read more blog posts from my online friends. I think I need to parent myself and make myself go to bed early.

Martin Luther King Jr's "Letter from Birmingham Jail" came up today in a meeting. If you need some inspiration, I suggest reading it at some point. It's especially interesting to read what MLK had to say about "white moderates" and how they are blocking the path to true peace. It makes me wonder how I am behaving in this way. Am I ignoring injustice because it's inconvenient?

I'm gonna sleep on it. Peace out mofos.

I want to learn Spanish.

About a week ago, I decided that I would like to take the summer (or possibly the next year) to learn Spanish. It will change my marketability, career-wise, and help me to communicate better within my profession. Thus, the summer idea was born. Here are my current ideas.

1. Bogata, Columbia
2. Somewhere in Mexico where I know people
3. Venezuela to be a political radical
4. Argentina to find Slovenians
5. And the old favorite, your single brother/uncle/cousin's abode in Chile where I can walk around topless care-free?

I am scared to leave for a long time. The last time I left the country, my whole life changed, and I like my life right now. I don't want my life to be drastically different. I know that regardless of whether I travel abroad, completing school will be a drastic change, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for much more than that.

Ah, melancholy...

During the past couple days, I got a lot of writing done. From my current estimation, I have about nineteen pages. There are whole sections which have not yet been addressed, so I'm not close to done. I am, however, starting to have a melancholy feeling about the end of an era. This is no-man's land. I have never been anywhere that looks remotely like this place, and I want to run far, far away.

So now, I'm going to eat a piece of cake.

Brainstorming an Island Getaway

 

I am graduating in four months and have not gotten any further on my senior paper topic and subsequent thesis statement. Instead, I am dreaming of planning a post-graduation trip to an island escape over the summer. The following are the possibilities thus far.

1. Vegas baby!
2. Nicaraguan bed-and-breakfast on an island only reached by canoe
3. Go to the nearest airport and buy a ticket to a far-off destination...
4. Somewhere wonderful in Canada where lots of people would love to hug me
5. Columbia! Where I am guaranteed a place to stay with awesome people
6. Switzerland! Where I will most likely have a place to stay
7. Portland. Plenty of friends there with open arms
8. Your single brother/uncle/cousin's abode in a off-the-beaten-path village in Chile?

Send me your suggestions. We have time to brainstorm.

Totally freakin' out!

 

So I'm graduating soon, and I am having a moment of terrifying fear. Ack! So scary! What will I do? Where will I go? How will I get there? Will I be prepared? Who will be my friends when I arrive?

There was talk at the dinner table of me going online and finding a nice Canadian gentleman to wed and give me health insurance. There are non-crazies out there who would love to get with a nice Californian girl, yeah?

Thoughts, anyone?