Why does life suck?

Um, because not all shoes are red?

Siamo angeli con una sola ala: possiamo volare soltanto abbracciati.

Luciano de Crescenzo

Someone asked me this question this morning, at the ungodly hour of "before breakfast", and I think it's appropriate for me, who is now in the process of eating breakfast (at my desk, quite happily) to answer the question, now having the adequate blood glucose level to form whole words and sentences (exceptionally long ones, it would seem).

I think that, more often than not, it behooves us to acknowledge the "suckiness" of life, to admit that disease and war and hate exist, and that each of us, in our own way(s), lives each day carrying the remnants of these past and present realities.

It's okay to accept that life is shitty. Sometimes I think that the only reason I am able to see true beauty, is because I can recognize how rare and special it truly is.

Much love to all :)

100% Dog Person :)

So yeah, there are two kinds of people in the world: cat people and dog people. I've found that cat owners who own dogs, and vice-versa, still have a favored species between the two.

Well, I was raised to be an animal-hater. My mother allowed us to have animals because my stepdad loved dogs, but the dogs in our house were not treated very well. We weren't allowed to love them, and so I grew up not really caring too much about them. Dogs are meant to be loved and played with and cuddled with.

When I was about twenty-five, I met this dog, and that girl changed my heart, opened it wide open, and made me a crazy, talks-to-strange-dogs-on-the-street, dog lover. And when another dog came into the house, I thought my heart couldn't possibly open up to a whole other animal, but it did, and I fell in love a second time. They taught me how to love unconditionally, and they showed me that I was worth loving. It was a very symbiotic relationship.

I don't live with those two anymore. We were inseparable for a few wonderful years though, and I still go to visit them when I can. When I first got my car, we went to the beach, because one of my dreams in life was to see them see the ocean. It was all I had dreamed it to be :)

I can't ever be with a person who doesn't love dogs as much as I do. It's at the top of the list, along with some other things that I imagine a list should contain (like more than one thing), but nothing is springing to mind. It's entirely possible that that is all I really want in a partner. I'm a simple girl.

The truth hurts.

1974 Vintage (Tattered) Holly Hobbie Doll

So I'm listening to Taylor Swift on repeat. It's a beautiful thing. I don't know why I get hooked on stuff, but she is definitely my current fave. I'm also hooked on having lots of thinking time. 108 degrees will do that to a person. Don't you wish that thinking actually helped a person? That somehow we could think our way out of problems? But no. It doesn't work that way. We have to talk, communicate with others. We have to be in relationships with other people, and that's where it gets tricky.

Yesterday, I received a lovely email from a relative telling me what a terrible person/daughter I am, etc, etc. Now, unless you begin to fret, I'll let you in on a secret: I've received at least a hundred of these things in my lifetime, and do not intend to have a freak-out on account of other people's misplaced anxiety. That being said, 100 of these nasty things can make a girl tired, and in 108 degrees, just done. So, even though I usually throw them away and move on with my day, this one stuck with me, as they tend to do every so often. And in a rare moment of clarity and temperance, I responded.

Nasty emails should not always be responded to. I find that filtering my email (along with various other accounts), allows me to completely avoid the nastiness that other people like to send my way. But sometimes the truth is necessary, and needs to be said. And you know what? Oftentimes the truth hurts, because the truth often just sucks. And that's just the truth.

But use with discretion, like alcohol.

A challenging task

 

I am not feeling so great about myself right now. I feel like people are judging me for having a masters degree and not having a solid plan for my life. And these aren't imaginary people - these are people I love! So I'm sitting here trying to convince myself that somehow it's more important to be myself than it is to be who other people expect me to be, even when those people are the people I love most in the world. That's a challenging task.

In school, I had a teacher who scared me, and no matter how much time I spent with this person, I never felt truly accepted. I felt small, and insignificant; not enough. As time went by, I realized that even though I respected this person more than I respected myself, I had to let go of the need to be accepted by them. In order to maintain my own sanity, I had to throw away the idea that my identity somehow hinged on their perception of me, even though that perception was super important to how I saw myself as a person and professional.

So now to be faced with that same dilemma in any form is only a stiff reminder of how important it is to love myself first. I will crumble if I allow an imagined perception of someone else's judgement to determine who I am, even though my faith tells me that other people are more important than me.

"The Hunger Games"

 

In an attempt to avoid spending the evening staring at my bedroom ceiling, I went to see The Hunger Games with my friend and her eldest son.

I haven't read the books, for a couple reasons. The first time I heard about the series, and asked about the premise, I was horrified. Later, I spoke about the books with a different friend, and discovered the philosophical nature of the series. Sufficiently impressed, I decided to read the books over the summer during my decadent book-reading marathon which will commence soon after graduation (Obviously only after I've sobered up and begun sleeping in my own bed again--Ha! As if).

The movie was wonderful, and powerful, and disturbing. The crowd was awful, and horrible, and emotionally disabled. They laughed when they should have cried. I wept all the way home. I wept for our world, where violence is normal, and a brilliant concept like Hunger Games is misunderstood by the masses as some kind of thriller series.

I am saddened by the state of our world, where a film whose cinematography gave me a migraine could draw such delighted crowds, and so many mothers with children. I feel like I should take off all my clothes, cover myself in ashes, and shave my head. I feel like nothing I ever do is sufficient. There will never be enough. The beast of greed is insatiable.

Love one another.

 

Be the kind of person who is never silent about evil.

Me.

Discerning the truth is a difficult thing. Religion often gets in the way, makes us hate eachother instead of loving one another. We use religion to hurt people, instead of help them. We use religion to do harm instead of good. We use religion to avoid people instead of embrace them.

Hate is evil. When you wish harm on another person, for any reason, you perpetrate evil. When you silence another person, you perpetrate evil.

When something goes horribly, horribly wrong, it did not happen overnight. There were signs. People saw them. Some people chose to be silent. Others were silencers.

And we are all complicit.

You can't control anybody.

 

I have no control over whether or not other people make poor choices, or whether they make good choices. I have no control over other people, period. That is a hard, horse-sized, pill to swallow, and sometimes, I think it takes a lifetime to try to do it right. So much of what we do involves our own imagined need to control other people. It keeps us from admitting our true pain, our unique weaknesses, and ultimately, our humanity. Attempting to control other people is an attempt to deny those things.

So maybe take some time today to think about the person or people that you wish you could control (Hint: They're probably the people you love the most, or your family, or both). Then take a deep breath, blow all of your breath into your closed hands, then lift them to the sky, and blow your troubles away. Blow away your desire to control, when it's an impossible goal. Blow away your defensiveness and blame. And while you're at it, you might as well blow away any shame you have at wanting control or trying to get it. We all do it. We're human.

The Bachelor is Slovenian!

 

The ultimate reality show about throwing people away: The Bachelor. Am I excited? Yes! And the ultimate plus of this season? The Bachelor is Slovenian!

Omg. I've just started watching the first episode and David Gray's This Year's Love is being played on the piano. Ridiculously ridiculous. Has a Bachelor ever made a relationship last? Nope. Ack! Now the bachelorettes are hating eachother! Delicious drama. Oh the things I will learn!

It's your life - own it.

When a relationship fails, it is never one person's fault, never. The unique quality of being human is that we keep coming back to each other, even though together we can make one another miserable. So it is that when a relationship fails, it's on both parties.

You chose to marry that person. You made choices which led to the relationship's demise. And now you must live with the consequences of that action. You married someone who left you? Yup, you participated in that. If you've been left, don't cry "Foul!" as if you are innocent in the demise of the relationship. Own it, people. Own it.

These are just some meandering thoughts I've been having. It's very important to me for adults to act like adults, to put the needs of their loved ones (especially children) above their own needs. That's what adults do. Adults are calm and firm in the midst of crisis. They do not call names; they are kind. Adults are not passive-aggressive; adults say what's on their minds, respectfully and plainly. They do not do these things because they are easy. They do them because they are the right things to do.

Being an adult is difficult. Being married is difficult. But it is what it is. It's your life. Own it.