Vacation is no party.

1980 - Small Vintage Portrait on Particle Board

A few days off have put me into thinking mode, one of my all-time favorite modes, as it were, and I'm sifting through my brain, trying to decide where to go and what to do next in my life. I wish I knew, truly. Today, I'm thinking about opening a thrift store. As yesterday's thinking revealed, dreams are sometimes only images flashing across our brains, without any structure to hold them together.

I wish I could step confidently into the dreams I've had for so long. But what I've found in my life, over and again, is that dreams are never what you think they will be. You fall in love, only to discover the hollowness of the other person. You buy an old car, only to realize that you aren't the hobby mechanic you'd hoped to become. You take a job you'd only just imagined in college could exist, only to find it radically conflicts with who you are as a person.

So I've become a little scared to dream, hesitant to take another step forward only to see a nubile dream die with a thud. I'm scared to discover that being human is really as difficult as it seems to be, full of failings and hardship, slim glimpses of true beauty, followed by slippery hope in something more, something big enough to hold, something more substantial.

I think I've stopped trying to find someone to fall in love with because I've realized it's impossible to manipulate, that some things cannot be made to happen, that some things really are out of our control.

Peace, friends :)

Relief efforts :)

Vintage A House Blessing by Arthur Guiterman

This year, I held a rummage sale at my church to raise funds for Syria relief. Money, raw paper money, is what people in crisis situations most need, because it allows them to obtain exactly what they need.

Unfortunately, when tragedy comes (war or tornadoes or tsunamis), people want to feel like they can do something. They want to help. They long to help. So they send things. They send clothing, and devotional books, and toilet paper. And this stuff cannot possibly all be used. It usually creates new problems for the people in need, because now they have all of this extra stuff to figure out how to store.

Vintage Desiderata on wood

We often see other people's tragedies as we would see our own, and we block out all of the unknowns (because they're unknown - duh). We forget that there's a mess to clean up, that there are lots of people and organizations nearby that are set up to help in these situations. If your neighbor lost their home, there would be other neighbors to help. People are helpers. People like to help.

So take this time to figure out how to make cash out of the things you want to send. Maybe you sell them on eBay. Maybe you have a garage/rummage/yard sale. Maybe you need to do that to get the $5 or $10 to send to the Red Cross or Mennonite Disaster Service. Maybe cash just isn't obtainable, so you go donate blood today (hey, you get a cookie, and juice!). Maybe take an extra minute to create space in your life to help more the rest of the year, when there isn't a huge crisis to focus on. Find a place to volunteer once a week. Find a kid who needs some unconditionally positive adult attention. Find a way to create a world where love overwhelms people 365 days of the year, not just one.

A new shop?

Finished Vintage Paragon Stitchery :)

I especially love finding beautiful wall hangings, vintage art for someone to buy and delight over its uniqueness. I've found several small oil paintings that customers have enjoyed. And these things are fun for me to sell, because I know (or imagine) that they will be used and benefit someone with their beauty. I'm high-minded, if nothing else.

Both my Etsy and eBay shops have been cluttered with random things for most of their existence. Yes, I have things that I do more frequently (e.g. vintage ties, mugs, shoes), but for the most part, there is no rhyme or reason. The Recycleista, a thrifty blogger, recently opened a new shop with a specific theme (vintage papers), and it occurred to me that I am capable of doing the same. I too can hone in a little more, make a niche through what I already do, and offer it up to the masses in kind. The thing that has stood in my way has been an insecurity about what I sell, or perhaps an insecurity about myself as a person in general.

Anyhoo, I am thinking about it. It might just mean that I wait until summer arrives fully, or that I develop a better stash than I do today. I think that I'd like for it to be original art (in theory), though items like the above are also quite lovely.

Thoughts?

I never want to let go.

The most difficult things I have had to do in my life have been to see people as they really are, not what I imagine them to be, but as they really are. And this process usually ends in tears, tears of regret and grief, and then the ultimate work of figuring how to move on.

A few years ago, I had to do this over and over again, and it almost killed me. And I never wanted to do it again. I never wanted to be disappointed again, I guess. But then, this year (oh God), I've had to do it again. I've had to see the people I love for who they really are, and figure out whether or not I'm going to accept them, or whether I'm going to move on (fuuuuuuuck).

The thing is (and this is the most difficult thing), I don't have a lot of relationships that I've had for over a decade. And that makes me want to cling to the ones I have left, to forgive and forget, to make it work when I'm pretty sure it won't. Because I don't want to go on in my life and leave everything behind. I don't want to leave my younger years behind me. I don't want that part of my life to disappear; I don't want that part of me to disappear. And I'm willing to compromise big-time to salvage parts of my life that have all but disappeared. I don't want to lose everyone, because it makes me feel like I'll lose myself in the process.

Sad day.

Yeah right you're moving to Canada.

I've been keepin' this in the bull pen for today :)

People love to threaten to move out of the country if the candidate of their choice doesn't win the presidential election. Whatever. Seriously? Your life is that tenuous? Your life is so tied to your external environment that you wouldn't survive with a [insert opposing party here] president in the White House?

Well, here's a hopeful note from someone who's lived with less than she's wanted for a fair bit of time. Get over yourself. The world is not going to end tomorrow if you don't get your way (nor will mine - I have feelings too). Take some time today to remind yourself of all of the things that you already have, that comfort you in the bad times, and remind you of how beautiful life is in all of the other times. And maybe eat a cookie.

I'll be drinking beer tonight watching the results, maybe probably disenchanted, and maybe eating some sweet potato fries, because those are sounding pretty good right now.

Peace out mofos. See you on the flip side :)

I guess I'll make do.

I've talked about finally selling the bike. Well, here she is, in all her glory :)

So being "thrifty" or "frugal" or, I dunno, drawn to simplicity, means that you'll probably come across things in your life that you want or need that you don't have access to. Or maybe you've lived in the West all your life, and this concept is foreign to you (you probably aren't reading my fascist commie blog then). But just as I am drawn to apocalyptic television (um, BBC's Surviviors? Fantastic), I am drawn to the idea of making more with less.

Well, sometimes this is not about making chocolate chip cookies with 100% whole wheat flour (which I've done - bleh), or riding your bike when you sold your car (thus the above bike being in my possession), but about relationships being imperfect and going without the things you want and need. I wish this weren't the case. I wish I weren't an idiot a lot of the time, and instead, said and did the right thing at the right time. I wish it weren't so difficult to repair the damage I've done with things I say. But instead, I have to make do with what I've done. I have to accept that life is imperfect, and I'm imperfect, and sometimes (most of the time), I use the wrong ingredient in the cookies, and I say "sure whatever" when I should be saying "I love you".

Making do with who you are, and what you're capable of at any given moment, is a painful thing, because it means not hating yourself, but at the same time being hopeful that things can and will be different someday, which is painfully challenging.

So, um, yeah...

Physical urges.

The ultimate question - "Is it suede?"

I've been sick all weekend, and it's made me kinda crazy. It's also completely taken away any kind of verbal filter I usually have, so I'm saying "fuck shit" whenever something doesn't go my way, which is about every five minutes.

So, I've talked about want before, want in the sense of a physical urge, a primal thing that gets fed when we're young so when we get to adulthood, we understand the process. And the over-consumption of modern wherever is probably some sort of psychological commentary on our ability as a society to effectively cope with that wanting mechanism inside of us.

Well, my want mechanism was extinguished early, so now when I want, I question feelings of want incessantly. If I want something, I try to figure out why, and if I should want it, and what it means that I do/might want it. The whole process is ridiculous, because most people just want something and then they go and get it. But I want something, and then end up cutting myself bangs or professing my undying love to one of several people. Want makes me a crazy delusional person. It makes me illogical.

All of this has to do with sex. So, yeah.

How long?

The nuclear symbol on a vintage tie - how cool is that?!

Have you ever held on to something for so long that it was unrecognizable? What immediately springs to mind is baby blankies. When I was four, my mother decided that the milestone of my pending entrance into kindergarten warranted throwing my blankie away. Now this was bad, especially for me, but the sentiment was in the right place. She wanted to mark the transition into school by saying, "Hey, you need to leave this behind. New things are coming."

Now that I've written that last thing, I'm starting to think about what I need to leave behind. I cut my hair. It's super short, but no fat face = okay with short hair. I'm actually not terribly unattractive without my usual fro overwhelming my face.

I've made two significant decisions this week: 1) I am no longer having freak-outs. I am calm and cool. I am an adult who handles her business and does not lose it at any given moment. 2) I am no longer chasing men. It hasn't been working, so I'm done. You've all been put on notice, I suppose.

Peace out.

30, here I come :)

Oh, the cliché! Oh, the pain!

I think I've spent the past decade trying to pay for crimes committed in the previous decade: friends hurt, men poorly treated, siblings bullied. So now that I'm entering the next decade, I think I'm going to turn a new leaf, and stop apologizing. I've put myself out there, with all of my warts, said "I love you" and "I'm sorry" to those that matter, and now I'm going to turn around and just let life happen.

I've been a beggar looking for scraps. I constantly espouse the need to compost (the necessity, I should say), the benefits of thrifting (it's fun!), and my deep love of recycling, but I've emphasized those things because I, at my core, believe that I'm not worthy enough to have what other people have. But I think I'm done with that. I think I'm done waiting for other people to tell me how amazing I am, and start telling myself, and treating myself, the way I want to be treated.

Look out world!

What I want :)

To know me is to know I love cake :)

So in an effort to evidence my desire to want more, here is what I've come up with. While I understand that these things may not all occur, I still want them to. So this is what I wrote the day I decided to start wanting things.

I want a house, with a kitchen, a kitchen window and counter space
I want to write a book, a whole book, and then another, and then another
I want sons who climb trees and get into trouble - I don't want a television
I want to learn Spanish
I want to go to Slovenia - I want to live in Slovenia, learn the language, write my book
I want to tell my mother how she hurt me, and let her know that I forgive her
I want to hike the John Muir trail
I want to do a headstand and the splits
I want to take a Northern California thrifting tour
I want to see Lori McKenna with Amy for my birthday
I want to go to the annual San Francisco library book sale
I want to visit my friends in Canada, and in Kansas, and in Switzerland
I want to go to an art conference in New Mexico
I want to go to Vista Academy to see my tile

Another day, I will explain all of these, but not today. Peace out.

Want is a terrible thing.

I wasn't much of a Barbie girl...my poor mother laments this

“[S]he believed that the Buddhists were right – that if you want, you will suffer; if you love, you will grieve.”

-Anne Lamott, Crooked Little Heart

Last week, in between watching the Olympics, reading Jane Austen, and hangin' with the dogs, I thought about some stuff. I generally try not to think too much, since I'm neurotic and thinking too much all the time anyway, but sometimes it's necessary to sit in silence and work to untangle some things in your brain. I probably have done a lot of thinking this summer, since I had no time to think the previous year. Perhaps the thoughts just backed up in my brain, and had to be processed one by one, like items on a conveyer belt coming out my ears.

When I was a kid, I didn't want things. I just didn't. I learned at an early age that wanting was futile, that it only brought pain, and that it was just easier to avoid it entirely. But when things started to happen that were outside of my control - I fell in love, and didn't know what to do about it - I was faced with the question, "How does a person want and not want, love and avoid, all at the same time?" After all those years of not-wanting, the feeling of want became unbearable, so uncomfortable, and I got stuck between the two, not being able to choose either one.

So I've decided to want things, and unfortunately (oh boy), wanting means suffering. Wanting inevitably means not having, not getting. And at some point, I might get the things that I want, the big things, or maybe I'll get different things, things that are better for me than the things I want (thank you, Mick Jagger). But I'm tired of believing that I don't deserve the things that other people have, that for whatever reason I deserve less because I am less.

Oh geez, sometimes I sound like a makeup commercial.

Laziness & Photographing Textiles

Vintage Vera Neumann Curtain - A Rare Find!

So I have a ridiculous procrastinating habit with photographing textiles. They're so big! So yesterday, I faced my fear and did a bunch all at once, just laid them in the driveway in the early morning light, and shot the hell out of them. Yeah, so it's not professional, but it got the job done, and in the end, that's really all that matters.

In my professional, non-eBay life, I deal a lot with the term laziness. People tell me that they don't/can't do something because they're "lazy". And in response, without fail, I say, "Bull. Laziness doesn't exist. Find another word." It's my shtick. It's my higher self speaking, because in my darker moments, I am just as likely to think those same things about myself. But I don't want to be a person that ever talks about myself that way. Would I say that to a friend in a condescending way? Would I insult them like that, or would I be understanding and acknowledge their weariness/exhaustion/pain and need for rest? Probably the latter.

Calling yourself "lazy" is a cop-out. It's the end of the sentence. Nothing can follow it. It prevents you from digging deeper and figuring out what's really going on. It prevents you from acknowledging your own humanness and forgiving yourself from being imperfect and a non-superhero.

So forgive yourself already and take a nap.

Word.

Thrift Share - Feline Edition :)

Fritz Rudolf Hug - Tiger - Canvas Reproduction

So, I ended up at a wonderful estate sale on Saturday. It was being run by a company with several people working throughout the house. It was well organized, but not exactly clean. There was kitty litter spilled in the garage in a walkway that no one had bothered to sweep up.

Signed "Joy"

I have never seen anything like this woman's house. Everything was cat-related. There was a ton of cat jewelry. The perfumes were even cat related! Books, crafts, magazines, artwork. I was on a limited cash budget (as in, I only had $16 in cash), but I got all of this stuff that's pictured, plus a couple cat art and poetry books, and a non-cat painting. I felt really good about my finds.

Max Factor - "Primitif"

There was even a box full of vintage cat collars covered in rhinestones. I was sticking to the basics though, and didn't want to veer too far from what I knew would sell. Again, no smart phone = no instant research. My brain is my best (and only) asset.

Framed Paint by Number - Kittens

I don't know why people like paint-by-numbers so much. They're not my style. Also, I appreciate cats, but if I had a choice, I would choose dogs every time. I like to be loved unconditionally. What can I say?

Fritz Rudolf Hug - Leopard - Canvas Reproduction

These Hug reproduction canvases are fantastic. The top one is super hard to find. The bottom one is easier to find, but I couldn't find a solid name of the print, and neither of them was marked. The top one is called "Tiger on Red Background". I was very happy to find that. It took a while, but was definitely worth the research time.

I've had two returns this week from unsatisfied customers, and that always bums me out. One of them said I sent her an item covered in cat pee! I'm hoping it was some sort of freak accident, because I don't have any cats, and am very particular about smells on my items. We shall see (omg. I am drinking a ton of ice water today - so hot).

So there's your all-inclusive cat post. Peace out friends.

Credit card debt creation

I really can't figure out what this book is about.

I think I've mentioned that my financial poverty has reached an all-time-low. Seriously, I don't know how low I can go. This is the first time in my life that I have chosen to use my credit card for necessities. In the past, I've baulked at people with credit card debt. "How did you buy that much stuff that you couldn't afford?" But now...I don't know.

I've worked my butt off this month, going through all my old inventory, photographing, listing. I don't know what else to do. What happens when a store just stops selling? This has been an okay month sale-wise, but between graduation last month, and the car breaking down this month, and my shop 2-3x as full as it has been all year, I'm pretty much just hoping that this will blow over, and that in the end, I'll come out okay financially.

Okay, thinking time is over. Now it's coffee time.

Saving $ @ thrift stores - Part 2

A textbook on etiquette - PhD reading material :)

A couple thrift stores in my city have used Groupon as an avenue towards bringing in customers. At least, I imagine it brings in new customers. I think this is more profitable in advertising than it probably is in actuality, numbers-wise, but I'm beginning to think (based on my own behavior) that a lot of those Groupons don't ever get used, and then the store pockets the profit. I'm all for it. If you paid for something you then never used, that's on you. Sorry folks. I've done it myself, then hang my head in shame. I usually don't buy these things, because it just doesn't make sense to me. There's a time limit, and thrift is not a predictable activity. I'm not much of a gambler, although reselling is always a gamble.

One of these same avant-garde stores has a bag sale every couple months or so, where you purchase a bag of clothing for $10. When I first started doing this, I filled the bag full to the top. But now, I just get the things I want. I don't need to be bringing home things I don't need, or will never sell. I think a whole lot of people use these weeks to stock up on merchandise, but they don't look like online sellers. They look like full-time yard salers (yes, we have those in my neighborhood). No matter what, the cashier gives me a weird look when my bag isn't bulging, but it's still financially positive for me. I just have learned to buy less over my past year of reselling.

Having a super-small space has really helped me to learn to take in less merchandise. It saves me time when I'm not trying to sell things that will never sell, and it helps me not go crazy stepping over inventory in my living room. Also, I have a couch now, and I lie on it and read, so I think this strategy is really serving me well in the long run.

Menstruation! Periods!

Large cork placemats from Pimpernel - Made in England

So I personally hate the clutter of ads on blogs, and I don't see my blog as a marketing ploy, so I haven't signed up for any monetizing opportunities...until now. Today I signed up to be an affiliate on a menstrual cup website, and I've placed a friendly button on the right, under "My campaign to save the planet".

A couple months ago, I bought a cup in hopes that it would work for me, and allow me to radically decrease my personal waste. I get pretty offended by implicit suggestions that we as women should be scared or ashamed of our business, that we need someone else to take care of it for us. I've heard fear and disgust from so many people - it makes me sad :( There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with your body. Yeah, maybe I'll have a daughter someday and give her the "miracle of life" spiel, and then we'll all laugh at what a crazy hippie I am.

I am also VERY offended by those campaigns that tell people to buy sanitary napkins for women in Africa so they can go to school. When we place more importance on money than we do on human beings, we dehumanize people, and ourselves, in the process. I don't need to make any money off of the affiliate program. I just want to publicly support personal behavioral shifts that radically defy the status quo. Is that such a big thing to ask? I like to tell people things that they didn't know before. I like to be helpful.

Note: If anyone can affirmatively ding me for using that vintage ad as a button, let me know, and I'll take it down. Also, full disclosure, my deal is that if someone buys something through my page, then I get 15% of profits from the sale. If you think I should use the money for a particular cause, let me know in the comments :)

Dumpster diving

Do you ship stuff? Do you dumpster dive for cardboard boxes? If you don't, I think you should. I get mine from an elementary school cafeteria. They're constantly throwing out boxes because of the amount of food they go through, and then I only take the ones that work for me. Oftentimes, there are produce boxes, and those don't work so well because of all of the holes. When there are small ones, I take them all. I don't take any that are gross, because that would be, well, gross.

In doing this, and combining that thrown-away cardboard with my all-recycled paper tape, somehow I am reducing my carbon footprint with my shop. Maybe no one notices, or even cares, but it matters to me. It matters that what I'm calling "recycling" is in fact, recycling, and that what I use is biodegradable and/or recyclable. When I'm at the post office, I take the Priority Mail boxes that other people have tried to use, but have thrown away. I really need to get a stamp to put on all of my boxes and packages that reminds people to recycle or reuse the packaging (I really want to buy this one).

Share your unique ideas for recycling shipping supplies :)

Welcome back Selena :)

Vintage Vera scarf from the late 1950s

Welcome back to another edition of "Thrift Share Monday", a post where thrifting finds are shared with the thrift world at-large.

This vintage Vera scarf has been sitting in my storage for maybe six months. I haven't listed it, because every time I look at it, I think, "This isn't in good-enough condition to sell", but then I don't get rid of it. So today, I am listing it, and we'll just have to see what happens.

Coach purse

My first every Coach purchase. We'll just have to see what happens. Oh dear, I just said that. It's pretty much my new philosophy on life. It's hopeful, but not too deranged. It's mature without being a pain-in-the-ass. Oh wait, I think I am being a pain in the ass. Shoot.

New in package - unopened - So cool

I found this embroidery kit listed for $120 on someone's non-eBay site. I often wonder how people do when they set up their own online shops that are not affiliated with a larger entity. I know there are lots out there. I just don't think I have the kind of name recognition to go off on my own, nor do I particularly want to.

I've been thinking about closing my Etsy shop. It doesn't make very much money (I'm gonna go check on this statement right now). Well, it made $1100 last year, and $550 so far this year. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I don't know. I guess I am frustrated because it means that every time I purchase something, I have to decide where it would fit, and lately I have not been thinking about my Etsy shop at all. Does it even have a purpose, or a theme? What is it? I can't answer these questions, so I'm wondering if it's time to close it down in favor of putting all of my energy into my eBay shop, which I love and enjoy.

Linking up with Apron Thrift Girl :)

I'm hooked.

House of Lloyd - 1988

I'm currently drinking out of a mug that says You're Sensational with a rainbow shooting star. I figured I needed some more positive energy with my morning coffee. The news just isn't doing it for me.

I think I went on a thrifting binge today. Three stores. $50. If it helps, I donated a huge box of stuff I'm done with. I really need to go through my clothing. One of my drawers is way too full. I think I've accumulated more clothing that I like and look good in than I have in the past. However, I just saw a photo of myself and it was not so great. I think I need to figure out how to just deal with what I look like. It's a lifetime of work.

So there's this guy that I'm talking to from my online relationship forays. We've sent several emails back and forth, and I kinda like him. The process is making me more of an adult. I'm usually more like a horny child (see here-oh no, now I've distracted myself with SNL). I don't know what it is. I'm trying to figure it out. I think it has to do somewhat with preconceptions about the process and how it works. We act as if we care. We put forward our best selves because that's what we want to be seen. Yikes, this sounds like dating in general. Maybe I've underestimated my own abilities, or maybe I'm reaching some sort of synergistic epoch where all of my wisdom and knowledge are working together for the first time in synchronicity instead of some sort of haphazard experiment.

I'll be in touch. Stay tuned.

Online Dating #1 of ?

If I dress like this, maybe life would be better.

I'm sorry to say it, but I've begun the process of online dating. I began about 36 hours ago, and I'm already reconsidering my decision. Who do I think I am? Someone who could possibly be attractive to other people, namely one other person? I can barely remain attractive to myself. I feel like listing all of the reasons that I'm undateable. Shall we?

Remember to pronounce the two 'u's separately.

1. My apartment is a mess, like no-one-should-come-in-here-ever. I don't remember when I changed my sheets last, or vacuumed. There are holes in the walls that I said I would fill months ago.
2. I have a job I can't be completely honest about (i.e. I'm a CIA spy. That's what you thought, right?).
3. I have a weird diet that makes me seem like a fascist, and in some ways, I feel like one.
4. I have life-long chronic conditions for which I will always need treatment.

Okay, this is boring. If the worst things about me are that I'm messy and don't eat animal products, I think I'll give it another day or so.