Poem of the day.

Sonnet 43

I search for your trace in the faces of others,
in this rough, winding river of women,
in their braids and barely submerged eyes,
in their soft sliding steps skating out on the foam.

Sometimes, I find I can make out your nails:
fugitive, oval, children of cherry-trees.
Sometimes it’s your hair I catch flowing by,
burning into water your portrait of fire.

I searched, but no one else had your heartbeat.
No one else had your light, or your dark forest clay.
No one else had such delicate ears.

You are whole, exact, you are one apart from many.
And so I’ll go with you, traveling and loving,
a wide Mississippi into a feminine sea.

 

Pablo Neruda (Translated by Paul Weinfield, 2013)

Perhaps all is not lost.

Vintage, handwoven, Scotland, mohair, hot pink!

...And one more thing: Don't think that the great love which was once granted to you, when you were a boy, has been lost; how can you know whether vast and generous wishes didn't ripen in you at that time, and purposes by which you are still living today? I believe that that love remains so strong and intense in your memory because it was your first deep aloneness and the first inner work that you did on your life...

Rainer Maria Rilke (Letters to a Young Poet - #7)

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

8oz Starbucks travel mug

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, and the ecstasy of it, you will discover that the world is transformed.

J. Krishnamurti

My old car, the one I sold, had a wonderful bumper sticker on it from Krishnamurti. I wish I could remember it, so I'm gonna go look it up. Oh yay! It was orange, and it said (in a fantastic purple font), "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society". It felt so Me, and I felt like it completely reflected who I am, or was at the time. I still think it reflects who I am, but now the car is gone, and the sentiment remains. I had a wonderful conversation last night about the Hunger Games (the movie, particularly), and I think that there was consensus that the world is a sick place, and not always for the reasons people think. Sometimes we ignore the real sickness so we can focus on the things that make us uncomfortable.

How's that for an inspiring post?! Go out and make the world a better place! Oh, I forgot to tell you all that while I was walking the dog last night, I found a discarded wicker coffee table in the alley and I carried it home like 3/4 of a mile in one hand, and the dog in the other. So now we have a patio coffee table and chairs, and the weather has been SO lovely that I want to be outside all the time! I need to walk down the alley more often. Oh, and I also think it's important to note that I will always be the person who picks up trash in the alley and makes it useful. That's just who I am.

Online Dating #1 of ?

If I dress like this, maybe life would be better.

I'm sorry to say it, but I've begun the process of online dating. I began about 36 hours ago, and I'm already reconsidering my decision. Who do I think I am? Someone who could possibly be attractive to other people, namely one other person? I can barely remain attractive to myself. I feel like listing all of the reasons that I'm undateable. Shall we?

Remember to pronounce the two 'u's separately.

1. My apartment is a mess, like no-one-should-come-in-here-ever. I don't remember when I changed my sheets last, or vacuumed. There are holes in the walls that I said I would fill months ago.
2. I have a job I can't be completely honest about (i.e. I'm a CIA spy. That's what you thought, right?).
3. I have a weird diet that makes me seem like a fascist, and in some ways, I feel like one.
4. I have life-long chronic conditions for which I will always need treatment.

Okay, this is boring. If the worst things about me are that I'm messy and don't eat animal products, I think I'll give it another day or so.

One fatal flaw

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.

Maya Angelou

I am obsessed with keeping my computer clean and orderly. And in the past two weeks, this has come back to bite me in the ass, and not in an ass-scarring kind of way, but an ass-maiming kind of way. I lost an editing job I spent a day working on. Tonight, I lost a page of notes from meetings that cannot be recovered. I just spent the last half-hour going through the recycling bin and putting together the puzzle pieces of the printed copy I'd torn up (the details really don't matter).

I can't keep living this way. I can't keep obsessing about "computer baggage". I need to start holding on to things, not because they're important, but because it puts me in the mindset to hold onto things so that when something actually important comes around, I don't act like a dipshit and throw it away.

Dear self - In an attempt to protect yourself, you've created a world where you leave no trace, where you quietly enter and exit rooms so that no one notices you. And for a time, that was a good skill. It kept you safe, and you did a really good job staying safe in very dangerous and ugly situations. But now, life is different, and you don't need to cover your tracks anymore. You can leave footprints. You can be visible. It's going to take some time, but this is a first step. Buying a jump-drive is probably sufficient, but you might need to purchase an external hard drive. I'm sorry that this lesson has been so painful and stressful. Life lessons often are. But don't beat yourself up over it. You did the best you could. Now, you know better, and you're gonna do better. Much love. - M