Makin' pancakes.

I guess I tend to blog when I'm trying to figure out some big thing in my life. Perhaps when things are good, I avoid overanalyzing. Perhaps things are good because I'm not overanalyzing. Touché.

All the Salvation Armies had "half off everything" sales yesterday, so naturally, I bought a ridiculously expensive camera and am attempting to sell it. Girl's gotta eat yo.

Speaking of eating, I am still eating several burritos daily weekly, but have now been cooking in my new kitchen on a somewhat regular basis. It's hard to get used to having a kitchen. Someone gave me a cookbook for Christmas, and I had the thought, "Does this mean something because you've never actually seen me cook, and I have no food in my fridge?" Asking myself that question was some sort of  necessary therapy, and I'm happy to say that I ate pancakes for dinner this evening.

Last night I listened to Merle Haggard and Waylon Jennings records, whilst listening to someone wax philosophical about the meaning of old school country music. I think at some point there was also dancing, so yeah, life is good :)

Poem of the day.

Sonnet 43

I search for your trace in the faces of others,
in this rough, winding river of women,
in their braids and barely submerged eyes,
in their soft sliding steps skating out on the foam.

Sometimes, I find I can make out your nails:
fugitive, oval, children of cherry-trees.
Sometimes it’s your hair I catch flowing by,
burning into water your portrait of fire.

I searched, but no one else had your heartbeat.
No one else had your light, or your dark forest clay.
No one else had such delicate ears.

You are whole, exact, you are one apart from many.
And so I’ll go with you, traveling and loving,
a wide Mississippi into a feminine sea.

 

Pablo Neruda (Translated by Paul Weinfield, 2013)

Does failing make you a failure?

Original Framed Oil on Canvas Painting

Today I am considering the idea that failing does not inherently make me a failure. I'm a person who wants to make everything right, do everything well. I don't consider myself a perfectionist. I am capable of letting little things go, and not agonizing over little trifles, but in the great land of "Being an Adult", I am finding that these skills only need to be amplified, strengthened, continually over time. It's not like a plateau we reach, where everything after that is straight ahead without potholes.

Perhaps I never would have identified this as a characteristic in myself, but I have been acting as though I'm finished as a person, that everything should be perfect now that I'm a fully functioning adult. I've been living in an imperfect body, with an imperfect mind, and wearing clothing that is imperfect, even selling things that are imperfect. Yet I have been expecting more from myself than I expect from anyone, or anything, else.

Now I'm going to sit in a pile of my own imperfection and hope it melds with my thrifty self. See you later :)

So yeah, this is me.

Vintage Crewel Embroidery Kit :)

I feel alone right now. I feel alone in a way that is new, not terribly painful, but strange nonetheless. I have, for the past twenty-some odd years, sought to demand love from other people. I have done this in a variety of ways, and have failed, miserably, time and time again. I have wanted desperately to fill holes in my heart that were never filled, holes that make me feel weak and vulnerable, scared and crazy. I have tried to get other people to fill them for me. Let me be perfectly clear: this does not work.

Now, all that "love yourself first" and "self-love" bullshit is true. I believe it. I call it bullshit because I think people use it to avoid pain sometimes, to mask a carnal dependency we all have as human beings. We all need other people. We all need relationships. But we cannot make other people love us if they don't. We just can't. I can't. I want to, but I can't. I want the people who I love to love me back, to feel as deeply as I do, to cross that relational barrier that divides us all. But this doesn't always happen. It actually happens very rarely, and that's okay.

The answer to that is not to turn inward and avoid befriending, coffee time-ing, and generally reaching out to other people. It may be appropriate to take a moment to deconstruct the reasons why a relationship didn't work out. It may help to make stronger decisions in the future. But it doesn't mean that we quit loving others, ever, or that we avoid the intimacy that got us tangled up in the first place. I've fallen down so many times now in romantic relationships that I don't want to get back up again. I don't want to bother. I'm a big fat failure, and I want to turn in my "coupling" card. I want to stop pouring my heart out to people who don't love me. I want to stop loving people who can't love me back. I want to stop obsessing over things I have no control over.

I think loving yourself means filling up your own damn holes, and then reaching out again to find someone who honors them.

Rummage Sale Planning - Part 2

This is possibly the most beautiful photograph I have ever taken.

So planning events is not something I am awesome at, not because I don't have experience. I have loads of experience. It's just the energy, and the neurotic stress I typically take upon myself. Stress makes me lose sleep at night, and then crash after the event for days, wishing I'd been more relaxed.

Now I have the opportunity to do that, to relax more, and stress less, to truly and fully adopt the persona I've been faking for so long: that I truly believe that everything will be okay, turn out well, etc. This involves not constantly thinking about said event, letting other people imagine things they would like to contribute, and not obsessing over the details. Because in the end, the purpose is to raise money, and that will happen. We will also add another life cycle to a piece of clothing or furniture.

Last but not least, we will raise awareness of a part of the world that has been largely forgotten (I mean, if we're not paying attention to our own wars, it makes sense that we wouldn't pay much attention to those we're only loosely affiliated with). So on that note, you can read here about what the sale will be supporting.

Love to all :)

'angsty' is a fun word :)

These surprisingly sold in a few days from my Etsy shop, which rarely happens.

The last few days have been amazing. Between reading, angsty puzzle-doing, and some painting, I've reached a really good place. I've figured out some things about my life, like long-term, super important kinds of things, and those things make me feel more at peace with who I am, blah blah blah.

I've decided that doing puzzles will be my new angsty project, instead of angsty poem-writing, since that pile just keeps getting bigger and only brings me more of the aforementioned angst and longing, etc. So now I'm going to do less meaningful things with my time, less emotional things, like puzzles, and reality television, and responding to angry emails via eBay. I'll leave you with this amazement that awaited me this morning in my inbox, followed immediately (and happily) by my response.

Weird stranger: Hi, Just a suggestion! THIS PICTURE ON THE COFFEE MUG IS NOT OF A TURKISH CHARACTER, BUT GREEK!!! A little common knowledge of national costumes would reveal this fact!

Me: Hi. Just a suggestion. WRITING IN ALL CAPS MEANS YELLING. YELLING AT SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW IS RUDE. A little common knowledge would reveal this fact!

I did miss some exclamation points. Oops.