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| Vintage Crewel Embroidery Kit :) |
I feel alone right now. I feel alone in a way that is new, not terribly painful, but strange nonetheless. I have, for the past twenty-some odd years, sought to demand love from other people. I have done this in a variety of ways, and have failed, miserably, time and time again. I have wanted desperately to fill holes in my heart that were never filled, holes that make me feel weak and vulnerable, scared and crazy. I have tried to get other people to fill them for me. Let me be perfectly clear: this does not work.
Now, all that "love yourself first" and "self-love" bullshit is true. I believe it. I call it bullshit because I think people use it to avoid pain sometimes, to mask a carnal dependency we all have as human beings. We all need other people. We all need relationships. But we cannot make other people love us if they don't. We just can't. I can't. I want to, but I can't. I want the people who I love to love me back, to feel as deeply as I do, to cross that relational barrier that divides us all. But this doesn't always happen. It actually happens very rarely, and that's okay.
The answer to that is not to turn inward and avoid befriending, coffee time-ing, and generally reaching out to other people. It may be appropriate to take a moment to deconstruct the reasons why a relationship didn't work out. It may help to make stronger decisions in the future. But it doesn't mean that we quit loving others, ever, or that we avoid the intimacy that got us tangled up in the first place. I've fallen down so many times now in romantic relationships that I don't want to get back up again. I don't want to bother. I'm a big fat failure, and I want to turn in my "coupling" card. I want to stop pouring my heart out to people who don't love me. I want to stop loving people who can't love me back. I want to stop obsessing over things I have no control over.
I think loving yourself means filling up your own damn holes, and then reaching out again to find someone who honors them.
I love pizza! But then I devour it or even forget about it and let it go bad.
ReplyDeleteI've been there lady. Even now with a boyfriend that say she loves me a ton, I feel surprisingly lonely sometimes. I need to do a follow-up on how working for yourself/from home for long hours will make you a shut-in that loses touch with friends, but it's not just that. I'm tired of fakeness and insincerity in people and stop associating with people I sensed it from. That cut out some friends, but it's better than being fake back and unsure of how a person really feels. Sometimes I miss being single because it made me more outgoing, adventurous, and hardworking and being with someone makes you content in a way since you're not actively seeking a partner. Thanks for the heart felt post, it's a universal feeling and you're not alone. Try to see the benefits over the cons of your situation right now. I remember being very sad after break-ups, but also very motivated.
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