Vacation is no party.

1980 - Small Vintage Portrait on Particle Board

A few days off have put me into thinking mode, one of my all-time favorite modes, as it were, and I'm sifting through my brain, trying to decide where to go and what to do next in my life. I wish I knew, truly. Today, I'm thinking about opening a thrift store. As yesterday's thinking revealed, dreams are sometimes only images flashing across our brains, without any structure to hold them together.

I wish I could step confidently into the dreams I've had for so long. But what I've found in my life, over and again, is that dreams are never what you think they will be. You fall in love, only to discover the hollowness of the other person. You buy an old car, only to realize that you aren't the hobby mechanic you'd hoped to become. You take a job you'd only just imagined in college could exist, only to find it radically conflicts with who you are as a person.

So I've become a little scared to dream, hesitant to take another step forward only to see a nubile dream die with a thud. I'm scared to discover that being human is really as difficult as it seems to be, full of failings and hardship, slim glimpses of true beauty, followed by slippery hope in something more, something big enough to hold, something more substantial.

I think I've stopped trying to find someone to fall in love with because I've realized it's impossible to manipulate, that some things cannot be made to happen, that some things really are out of our control.

Peace, friends :)

New goals :)

Vintage framed oil painting - dated 1952

1. Walking a marathon
2. Climb a mountain - Be on top of everything
3. Kill honeysuckle in yard
4. Find a new project to immerse myself in :)

Right now, I'm particularly thinking about #4. I feel like I have huge chunks of time that are filled with me being tired, but not sleeping, not working, just tired. And something can be done with this time, and I don't think it's finishing Anna Karenina. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I'm going to start painting large canvases with abstract nudes, paying more attention to my victory garden, or finding a way to open my MCC thrift store.

Graduating without plans to pursue a PhD means I will eventually have to figure out a way to fill the time I once packed to the gills with papers that made no sense, working like a fiend, and occasionally feeding myself with bowls of raisin bran.

I'll let you know what I come up with :)

Rummage Sale Planning - Part 3

Very unique vintage square dance skirt - just sold :)

When I was in college, I was really interested in event planning as a career. So I got into large-scale athletic events, events that get planned all year long, take a lot of human power and time, and are fun to participate in. I ended up on my knees one year in San Francisco, taking ankle monitors off of hundreds of open-water swimmers as they came out of the water, freezing and exhilarated. That was a good hair day, the last one I can remember clearly. I think it was the salty sea air.

Rummage sale planning is very different. There isn't a lot of "planning" that I'm able to do on my own. I have the idea. I execute the idea. People come alongside me to help, and somehow it happens. If I were more organized, I imagine the sale would be more organized. I don't know how to make that happen. I'm sure that other people do. For the time being, people will bring things to church this week, I will spend Thursday and Friday organizing the donations, and several hours on Saturday trying to sell it all. That may not be enough for some people, but it's enough for me.

Last night, while running an errand for a friend, I happened to pass by one of my favorite burrito places. The sign was down and the place was empty. I haven't eaten there in months. I guess unbeknownst to me, I'd been keeping them in business ;)

Rummage Sale Planning - Part 2

This is possibly the most beautiful photograph I have ever taken.

So planning events is not something I am awesome at, not because I don't have experience. I have loads of experience. It's just the energy, and the neurotic stress I typically take upon myself. Stress makes me lose sleep at night, and then crash after the event for days, wishing I'd been more relaxed.

Now I have the opportunity to do that, to relax more, and stress less, to truly and fully adopt the persona I've been faking for so long: that I truly believe that everything will be okay, turn out well, etc. This involves not constantly thinking about said event, letting other people imagine things they would like to contribute, and not obsessing over the details. Because in the end, the purpose is to raise money, and that will happen. We will also add another life cycle to a piece of clothing or furniture.

Last but not least, we will raise awareness of a part of the world that has been largely forgotten (I mean, if we're not paying attention to our own wars, it makes sense that we wouldn't pay much attention to those we're only loosely affiliated with). So on that note, you can read here about what the sale will be supporting.

Love to all :)

Thrifted gifts?

Kid-friendly and appealing vintage Yosemite mug? Made for me.

Dear germophobe friend (you know who you are), stop reading. Do it. Do it now.

Thanks to Van over at Thrift Core for being awesome and vegan and thrifty and cheap, and inspiring me to be less lame and a total downer (as I totally have been lately, admit it), and talk about some recycling.

Thrifted gifts? Yay? Nay? My ethic of gifting is finding the perfect thing, the thing that says "I know you, and I see you, and I love you as you are." Oh my gosh. I'm cracking up right now, because after writing that, I realized what a weirdo I am. But anyhow, there are no guarantees. You may get a thrifted gift from me, or you may get a poem, or a framed piece of art, or a framed original comic (I am an excellent single-pane comic artiste - no joke).

So yes, that does mean that I have a stash all year long that waits for birthdays and Christmas to get used. It also means that my goal is your happiness. So selfless of me (meh. I'm just trying to buy your love like everyone else).

You will not get something gross. Because if I couldn't think of anything on the way to your house at the last minute, I will bring you alcohol, or cake. And that will make you happy.

Peace out :)

Bye bye Bikram :(

Last Thursday or Friday, I drove the 20 minutes up the freeway to the Bikram studio, but there was weird traffic on the thoroughfare, making me late, which meant that I was locked out of class. And suddenly, in a moment, I had my answer: Bikram is not for me. My entire life is made up of appointments and being at the right place at the right time for other people. I need a place where I go just for myself, where I don't add stress to my day and life rushing (and no, I'm not in a place to dedicate more time over and above the already lengthy process).

My blood sugar has become so bad, and so unpredictable, that it isn't worth it. I had begun to imagine that my immune system was being activated, and perhaps even healing me, but my immune system being stimulated doesn't heal me. It hurts me. And I just have to accept that.

Thank you Bikram, for making me get in touch with my spine. Thank you for pushing me past limits I didn't know I had made for myself. Thank you for being a bad ass. You made me, for a brief period of time, feel like a bad ass too. Now I'll have to find other ways.

Peace out.

Milk Cartons

Vintage "Compu-Mug". I've found others, and they all have fun sayings :)

Cartons are recyclable, like juice boxes and milk cartons, but not all cities offer carton recycling. You can find out if your community offers carton recycling by going to The Carton Council's website. I'm considering starting a petition to my city (I don't know who I'd petition, the city council, perhaps?) to ask them to begin providing carton recycling. I don't know how much it would cost to add that kind of technology, but cities do make money off of their recycling programs.

The school where I work doesn't have milk cartons. They have milk bags. It's really amazing how school cafeterias work. If you're going to change the world, I think you have to start in a school cafeteria, because that's where you'll find the most people.

Anyhow, check the website and see if your city recycles cartons, and if they do, then recycle them!

My writing career

I just finished reading a memoir by Jennifer Lehr, Ill-equipped for a Life of Sex, and am stuck in a moment wondering if I'll ever have a book in me. I desperately want to write a memoir, but I don't know what I'd write about (i.e. which topic, among many, I would even choose), and I don't have the motivation to write one. I write a lot, but it's mostly just messy complaining combined with trying to figure out the crazy mixed-up mind that I have. There are no stories in me save the stories of my own life. There are no vibrant characters I'm longing to bring out, just me.

But where do I begin to tell stories that involve other people? Where do I begin to tell stories that are, and always will be, unfinished? And how do I do those things, and keep doing my job(s), and paying the bills which I always seem to be behind on? And who will read it?

Olympic Swimming :)

French Lead Crystal Goblets - Pompadour Pattern

I am having so much trouble watching the Olympics. It makes me really sad. I had to have a talk with myself this afternoon to get over the disappointment. I had to figure out why I was sad.

When I was a kid, let's see, over the past almost 30 years, I have seen many Olympic games. It was always a beloved thing in my family, and every four years, we sat together and enjoyed the solidarity and beauty of the games. As an adolescent, my swim coach brought a television to the pool and we'd watch in between sets. National-level swimming got me through high school, in a way. The idea of somehow rising to that level kept me motivated to train for years on end. The Olympics were like some far-off dream of all that swimming was meant to be. They inspired me to think big, even when those who believed in me most told me I'd never measure up.

And I didn't. I was a mediocre swimmer at best. I was the hardest worker in the pool, and certainly formidable as a high school swimmer in a small country pond, but as a year-round club swimmer, I was always in the middle of the pack, usually on the slower end. The Olympics make me sad because they represent the idea that we each have greatness inside of us, that we each have the capacity to be "The Best" at some thing. But now that I'm an adult, and my competitive swimming days are done (and I'm glad about that), I don't know how I'm gonna find greatness in my life. I don't know how I'm going to prove to myself that I'm good enough. I thought those letters after my name would help, but they really don't.

I imagine that at the end of the day, gold medals aren't that awesome anyway for those who win them. I imagine that they feel amazing for a while, as well they should, but then life goes quickly back to normal, and the winner still has to face their own humanity. That's how life seems to work out for me anyway.

There was a time, a moment in time, that I was crazy fast (crazy stupid fast). And when that moment passed, I was done swimming. I proved to myself that I had it in me, and then I was done. I got out of that pool, and never looked back. So when I have moments like this, like I'm having right now, wishing my life had turned out differently, I remember that moment, and it's all worth it.

Little productivity :(

Handmade Wedding Gift - 65 Years in Storage :)

So yesterday wasn't as productive as I would have liked. I got stuck in my brain, and wherever I was, it wasn't conducive to a productive day. I haven't come close to my $1000 goal to pay for the car debacle, and when I spoke to the shop this morning, they said it was taking longer than they'd predicted. Does that mean that they will charge me more? Only time will tell.

This morning will be my second car-borrowing in 24 hours. It's really difficult for me to ask for help, even when I am asking people who I trust. I guess what goes through my mind is, "I don't want to annoy this person." I really hate the idea that I annoy anyone. I don't know if I need to get over that. It may not be doing me any favors.

Gotta run. Talk soon.

To do list :)

Things to do in the near future:

1. Become less fearful of actual human contact
2. Give couch to friend's friend who needs a couch
3. Get comfy chairs for living room
4. Kill all weeds in backyard (never gonna happen)
5. Fill holes in drywall
6. Finish year-end paperwork for good
7. Wash car, inside and out
8. Trim bush outside front door
9. Install outdoor shade
10. Organize inventory (constantly happening)