Marry me. Own me.

Thank you, Mr. Rochester, for your great kindness. I am strangely glad to get back again to you: and wherever you are is my home—my only home.

― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

My big term paper in 12th grade AP English was about Jane Eyre, specifically the concept of love in Jane Eyre. I've been trying to create my home my entire life. I never had one place that I could call home. I had a smattering of locations, and all of them together just wasn't home. But I found a home inside myself that I carried with me everywhere. It was safe. I made forts with pillows and blankets and my pink depression glass lamps I've had my whole life; and I would read The Boxcar Children and Nancy Drew. I don't remember a lot of snacks, but my mother often bought graham crackers, so those I remember more than anything else. That was my "home".

I was told that my real home would someday be with a partner, a husband. He would give my life meaning. He would take all of the idiosyncrasies about me and somehow create meaning from them. He, this unknown person, was the only way I could become whole and complete. He was the only way  that someone would care about me the way I imagined was possible. He would care that I hate watermelon and love swings at the fair. He would listen to me when I wanted to talk, because it would be his job to listen and care. In sum, my future husband would love me the way no one else could.

Well I'm 31 years old, and I'm not married. I've never been married. I haven't met this amazing person who is going to save me, change my life so completely I'll finally be whole. So I've had to learn along the way that life is too hard to wait for this person to arrive. Life is too long to wait for someone that may never come.

Whatever the truth, I've learned that one person doesn't "complete" another person, and so to even strive for that is a futile occupation. Don't I deserve to be complete all on my own? Don't I deserve to be loved all on my own? And don't I deserve to be fully known without a spouse? Yes, yes, and a resounding yes.

So I find my home all within myself, and I carry it with me wherever I go.

I prevent erosion.

Don't you want to know more about geothermal energy?

Compost is awesome. I speak from experience.

About a year ago, we had a gas leak on our property. Holes were dug. Large machines had to be used. It was an unfortunate mess for our backyard. And some of the holes still remain today. Well, there are small children around, and these holes make me think that we are always one day away from a sprained, or worse, broken, ankle (I myself have sprained my ankle a couple times, and do not want to hobble anywhere any time soon). So I've ceased to wait for the holes to magically disappear, and decided that I will fill them myself, with the dirt that I, wonderful dirt-maker-me, have created.

I swear, the dirt we create not only keeps schtuff out of landfills, but I'm also convinced that it will help prevent erosion, and thus, the dreaded sinkhole.

Go make some. 

Theology...blah, blah, blah

I presented my senior paper for the second time this morning. It's about the theology of place and how land and places and buildings and dirt can be knit into our souls. Blah, blah, blah. I reread parts of it last night, and became fairly convinced that I was stoned when I wrote it.

I kept thinking about people though, this morning, when I was sitting on that step stool looking all smart and shit. I kept thinking about the people that are knit into my soul, the people that feel like home to me. I had to stop myself from talking about things that I shouldn't have been talking about though, because there were only 45min, and I could have talked for hours about the places and people in my own soul, and the love and commitment found therein. My own brain is scattered with all the houses I've ever lived in.

I know I've talked about this before, but it's been hitting me in a whole new way, this idea that other people change us fundamentally, and that we cannot truly leave another person. We may not speak to a person for ages, but some people really do leave marks on us, proof that they were there. And to be sure, some people naturally leave deeper marks than others: parents, childhood friends, first loves, siblings. Good, bad, it's all there. There are some people you will just love forever (or hate forever, if you choose to do so).

Peace out :)

Olympic Swimming :)

French Lead Crystal Goblets - Pompadour Pattern

I am having so much trouble watching the Olympics. It makes me really sad. I had to have a talk with myself this afternoon to get over the disappointment. I had to figure out why I was sad.

When I was a kid, let's see, over the past almost 30 years, I have seen many Olympic games. It was always a beloved thing in my family, and every four years, we sat together and enjoyed the solidarity and beauty of the games. As an adolescent, my swim coach brought a television to the pool and we'd watch in between sets. National-level swimming got me through high school, in a way. The idea of somehow rising to that level kept me motivated to train for years on end. The Olympics were like some far-off dream of all that swimming was meant to be. They inspired me to think big, even when those who believed in me most told me I'd never measure up.

And I didn't. I was a mediocre swimmer at best. I was the hardest worker in the pool, and certainly formidable as a high school swimmer in a small country pond, but as a year-round club swimmer, I was always in the middle of the pack, usually on the slower end. The Olympics make me sad because they represent the idea that we each have greatness inside of us, that we each have the capacity to be "The Best" at some thing. But now that I'm an adult, and my competitive swimming days are done (and I'm glad about that), I don't know how I'm gonna find greatness in my life. I don't know how I'm going to prove to myself that I'm good enough. I thought those letters after my name would help, but they really don't.

I imagine that at the end of the day, gold medals aren't that awesome anyway for those who win them. I imagine that they feel amazing for a while, as well they should, but then life goes quickly back to normal, and the winner still has to face their own humanity. That's how life seems to work out for me anyway.

There was a time, a moment in time, that I was crazy fast (crazy stupid fast). And when that moment passed, I was done swimming. I proved to myself that I had it in me, and then I was done. I got out of that pool, and never looked back. So when I have moments like this, like I'm having right now, wishing my life had turned out differently, I remember that moment, and it's all worth it.

Ah, gardens :)

Five LP Set - Very Good Condition - An Uncertain Purchase

So I took a trip to the Bay Area over the weekend, not for fun, but it was enjoyable in some ways. I got to hang out at the pretty cool Stanford campus, and eat healthy veggie-rich food from the hospital cafeteria. A huge oatmeal (with toppings!) was $1.70. Oh my goodness. I sat in the cafeteria Saturday morning, eating oatmeal and reading the Chronicle, and it was really a lovely time. Later, I got to walk around Palo Alto (and drive, which was way worse) with my brother, while we practiced circular breathing (see yesterday's post) and watched the ducks in the fountain.

I really do love college campuses. As I walked around on Friday, I was thinking, "What if I went back to school someday to be a professor? What if a place like this hired me? I would need to learn how to be a better academic writer. I am a decent one, but I really need to work on solidifying my zany ideas so that other people can get a better grasp on them".

Oftentimes, the best thing about college campuses is how environmentally conscious they are. The hospital had a very easy-to-understand system of composting/recycling/trash, and all of their disposable utensils, plates, to-go boxes, and cups were compostable. Now, of course, this stuff does take time to compost, but it just made me so happy to be able to participate. Also, the portion of the hospital I was primarily in was covered in gardens, which could all be seen from inside, and enjoyed on benches when one decided to enjoy the outdoors (which was far cooler, temperature-wise, than my lovely home). All in all, I enjoyed being with loved ones, and getting to see a new place. Also, I was duly inspired to increase my gardening, so props to Palo Alto for that :)

Some ideas on landlording, Part 3

Political stalemate?! Ah, the good old days ;)

I probably should have done a good introduction about why this issue relates to my blog, but it's a blog, and we just aren't that organized around here :)

The church is important to me. I wish it weren't, because it makes me even weirder than I already was, but it's just how it is, so I guess I have to deal with it. Honestly, it just makes me less attractive to the single (i.e. unattached) members of the opposite sex. That's really the only reason I feel weird about it lately. I don't want to be marginal.

I think that the church is to be God in the world, that the church is the way that God is humanly present in the world. The church has no walls, or even labels. The church is not Christian, or Muslim. The church is within each of us that affirm the humanity of God, that choose to allow God to work through us to love others, something we are not always humanly able to do (I'm choosing my words carefully here, seminary peeps).

So on that note, the church needs to be active in the world! We need to be solving problems, helping people lead happier, healthier lives, and generally extending grace and peace all over the place.

So currently, I think that involves being a better landlord. I'm a practical girl.

Some ideas on landlording, Part 2

It's so funny to see old headlines; they could be today's :)

So since I live in the Disneyland of foreclosures, buying a house is super difficult. Houses go up for sale, and typically come down just as quickly. In my neighborhood, with huge gorgeous homes, when they don't sell, the price just drops...and drops...and drops. Seriously. It's really sad. On one corner, a "For Sale" sign keeps getting tagged. I flip off the invisible taggers in my head every time I see it. I hate tagging. It makes me so angry. I also hate trash on the road. Dude, this is your neighborhood too! But I digress.

I've begun to wonder what motivation a person could possibly have to rent property to other persons, other than to make money. And if houses are hard to buy, even though mortgages are cheaper than rent (!), renters can then get stuck in bad situations with no way out. Landlords have no motivation to make different choices, to adequately care for the property, regardless of whether these are individuals or larger corporations, unless some outside entity decides to give them some. I think that there should be some sort of license that people are required to achieve and maintain in order to rent out property. The license would demonstrate that the individual(s) is able, willing, and knowledgeable enough to care for the property at a basic level, and has shown him or herself capable of maintaining the property over time.

We need more public shaming. We need more people willing to say, "Dude, check yourself. The way you're treating your renters is dehumanizing." Seriously, renters get screwed. They have no power, and those with power have no motivation to change negative behaviors. So I don't know who I'm talking to, but if you have an idea, let me know. I'm just ranting here for my own benefit. I do love the sound of my own voice.

Some ideas on landlording, Part 1

I found a bunch of old Atlantic Monthlys last week.

My neighborhood is not always a pretty place. There are lovely homes, and well-kept yards on one street, but move over a couple streets, or even a few miles away, and you'll see homes with yards look more like mini-landfills than yards. I don't think that these homes are lived in by the homeowners. I imagine, due to the nature of the neighborhood, that they are rentals.

Are there laws that require landowners, or home-owners, to keep their property clean? Do cities spend more time faulting renters for the state of the property than they do the owners? In my city, a few years ago, the police attempted to create better neighborhoods by fining people who had property with major blight. The campaign ended quickly when the neighborhoods rebelled against the police, and owners were cited as problem-makers who bought property, raised rent, and never cared for the property itself, but law enforcement did nothing. A lot of the homes were Section-8, which was a problem on its own because the owners were abusing the system and neglecting the property. Many owners lived out of state, or were "property managers" with no personal ethic to care for the property.

I once lived in a lovely apartment complex (and it was a decent-sized complex), where there was an on-site manager who lived on-site, and the owner came regularly to deal with maintenance and landscaping issues. I always felt very cared for. It was old, but it was not neglected.

How do the powerless affect change in the powerful? Stay tuned for Part 2.

Oh happy day!

I just got home from my graduation "gala" where I froze my freakin' butt off. Sometimes the event is burning hot, but tonight it was so cold. I put my hair up. I don't know what it looked like from behind, but it looked awesome from the front. I finally bought some super glue and fixed my pearls so I could wear them.

My mom wouldn't stop saying how "fucking proud" of me she is. My dad kept beaming with misty eyes. It was pretty great. Tonight has reminded me that I have made a life for myself in the last five years, a whole meaningful life with people who love me warts and all. When we got into the car and managed to stop our teeth from chattering, I told them how glad I am to have them with me, because when we're together, I make sense.

Dear L & J, Thanks for loving me. I couldn't have done it without you. I love you both so much.-M

It's too bad I'm not urban.

I am so enjoying my tiny little apartment. It's really too bad that it's not ideal for a long-term solution. The space itself is okay, but not having a kitchen is clearly a problem, as is being connected to someone else's garage. I'm starting to dream about a tiny little place of my own, but I think that a small place in a good location would be difficult to find. I think that there are a lot of mother-in-law places on my street, but I don't know if that would be a good long-term solution either. I want something that I can stay in. I want to have enough space for my stuff, and a little wiggle room, but not too much. I like to feel cozy.

I used to have a one bedroom place. It was a duplex. Later I lived in a studio which was also a duplex. I preferred the one bedroom. It was small, but very well organized. My kitchen was large enough to cook, and I had a washer and dry hooked up in there as well. The trouble with that place was that the landlords were ridiculous about the lawn, but refused to put in sprinklers. So in the end, it was a battle over me not wanting to water crab grass in 110 degree weather, and them wanting the crab grass to be green. I'd come home to a threatening hose on my front porch as a warning. Ridiculous.

I have a lot to say about landlords, and some things I've been thinking about in terms of ethics and city planning. Perhaps tomorrow...

Cheers!

Be nice.

I was just at the grocery store, where a homeless person's full shopping cart was parked in the parking lot (like a car), but the owner was nowhere to be found. The employees were disconcerted by this. I'm not quite sure what made them uncomfortable, and I don't know what they decided to do about it.

But I wanted to share this with you: when you see a shopping cart full of what appears to be a load of crap, remember that all of that "crap" is everything in the world that that person owns-bed, food, phone numbers, addresses, clothing, etc. So be nice.

That's all I had to say.

Got anything layin' around?

Do you have something around your house that takes up a lot of space, but has no purpose? Read this article (or just glance at the title) and watch the accompanying video. You may be inspired.

Of course, this was an interesting story to me because I live in California, and when one flies over pretty much anywhere in our lovely state, one will immediately recognize the number of swimming pools we have in our backyards. When I lived in San Diego County, our neighborhood had a shared community pool, and it was big and deep and always the perfect temperature. I think there was also a spa/jacuzzi. It was fun. It was a place to see friends. I enjoyed it.

I'd like to see more communities planned in this way. Obviously, in my old neighborhood, we swam at the pool year-round. Where I live now, pools are used less often because our winters are not conducive to winter swimming. We lie at the extremes, temperature-wise. So here's my thought: why not put that space to good use, like the family in Arizona? Why not create more shared spaces, and fewer individual spaces that can't be shared neighborhood-wide?

This is just a thought. I don't know how I can make this happen. I have a negative amount in my bank account. What do I know?

The double bind

I really wish I could take this lot on a beach vacation :)

The web is full of women and girls telling the world how thin they are (or want to be), how clean their house is, how awesome their kids/husband are, and how much Jesus loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. And in some ways, I'm totally into it. I like "miracle" recipes for carpet stains, and I think the female body is one of the most beautiful things we'll ever see. But I really hate it when I see anything along the lines of "You are single because God is busy finding the perfect man for you."

Maybe I'm subconsciously bitter, and taking it out on hopeful twenty-somethings who feel burnt by men. I really don't think this is the case. I just wish that all of this energy was put towards something more meaningful. Partnering is meaningful, but only to a point. There's a whole wide world out there, and sometimes it makes me sad to see loads of people playing into their aesthetic fantasies, showing off their "perfect" families and homes as if this is the point. It's not.

This isn't a finished thought. I haven't eaten breakfast yet, and I'm trying to recreate a thought that began last night after looking at Pinterest. People aren't evil, and they aren't intentionally oblivious, but sometimes they make me crazy. I can also be pretty judgmental. I'm trying to be an adult, and sometimes that feels awesome, and sometimes it feels really lonely. Here I am at the end of my education, and the beginning of my professional career, and all of my old friends are in a different place. They're happily married and nesting, and I'm living in a garage and freezing at night.

It's hard to know that I waited ten years to tell the person I loved how I felt, and he just walked away.

Life update

I hate it when people get preachy on their blogs. I hope I never come across that way. Whatever I say is for my own enjoyment, really, and if anyone else likes it too, that's just icing on the cake. It is noteworthy that I love my readers, though, and love to make them happy (or just make them think).

We all know I've taken to hibernating on the weekends. Tomorrow, I am going to church, but I love not doing a thing on Saturday and Sunday. I wish that no one (including me) cared that I missed church, or didn't go to my small group on Sunday evenings. I wish that there were two more days in the week, so I could do it all.

I am getting a lot better at going through my stock more regularly. Why hold onto stuff that doesn't sell? Why let it clutter my already tight apartment? That's just silly, I say.

Christmas is coming. As I declutter, I am holding onto things that are good for other people as gifts. I have not been as successful this year at saving gifts for the six months prior to the holiday season. And at no point am I going to get a surge of energy in the next two weeks, so whatever is in my home right now, will have to do (Family, take note! You will not suffer).

I did me some yoga in my living room this evening. Pandora has a yoga station, and that was lovely background music. I'm getting better, stronger, and it feels really good.

I think I'm making Saturday evening my thriller film night. Maybe I will be inspired (like when I watched The Forgotten) and write something thrifty tomorrow when I return to the interweb.