I love presents!

I'm not much of a holiday gift giver. Yes, I may give you something for your birthday or for Christmas if it's already in my stash, but mostly I'm an everyday gift giver. I love giving presents so freakin' much - sometimes I can't stand it. I get giddy and smiley and I am so excited until the moment. Today I found the greatest thing, and I'm testing it out right now, and I'm dying to text the person to tell them that I got them an amazing present and I don't know how long I'll be able to wait to give it to them (no, it's not for you, or you, or you).

I don't think I really came into my own as a gift-giver until adulthood. I mean, I've always had the skill, the unusual talent, but I don't think that I appreciated how awesome it was, or realized how awesome it might be for other people until I'd reached my early twenties. I went through a period of time of giving lots of money away secretively. That was fun, and maybe too extravagant for that time in my life, but I did it. I gave lots of money to various ministries I supported and causes I believed in. Sometimes I gave because I felt like I had to (i.e. "God loves a cheerful giver"), but over time, I've stopped giving for that reason.

I was taught to tithe to the church, and I struggle with that. I thought that God would give me everything I needed, and then I would tithe out of that. But when I started to not have enough, I stopped giving to the church. Maybe my financial dire straights (not really dire, just full of debt) are due to this, to my lack of faith. But then I think back to all the times I gave so much to people in need, out of my own abundance, and wish that I could somehow receive that back in kind. Money is funny. That's all I'll say.

I might last another 24 hours. This thing is so perfect, I can't stand it.

Weekend camping :)

Lovely original vintage oil painting - I like it more the more I look at it :)

I spent last weekend up at the lake, a yearly tradition with my church wherein we all drive up on Friday evening, spend two days hanging out and doing whatever we want, and appreciate the time 'away from it all'. I was worried about all of the socializing I would inevitably be required to do, but then found myself loving 99% of it. I got to catch up with people I see all the time, but don't often have hour-long conversations with. I got to eat baked oatmeal and watch with interest at how much coffee all of the adults drank each morning. I got to kayak on a clear blue lake with a friend, and feel outdoorsy for the first time in ages. It was a lovely weekend.

Yesterday was spent recovering from all of the human contact by cleaning up my apartment, and listing stuff on eBay. I love my job, this whole reselling thing I do. I love the rhythm of it, the flexibility of it. I love that it is always changing, always shifting. It's been a good month.

Please take a moment to read the latest from the war in Syria and consider making a donation to Mennonite Central Committee, one of the few organizations providing direct aid to Syrian refugees.

Relief efforts :)

Vintage A House Blessing by Arthur Guiterman

This year, I held a rummage sale at my church to raise funds for Syria relief. Money, raw paper money, is what people in crisis situations most need, because it allows them to obtain exactly what they need.

Unfortunately, when tragedy comes (war or tornadoes or tsunamis), people want to feel like they can do something. They want to help. They long to help. So they send things. They send clothing, and devotional books, and toilet paper. And this stuff cannot possibly all be used. It usually creates new problems for the people in need, because now they have all of this extra stuff to figure out how to store.

Vintage Desiderata on wood

We often see other people's tragedies as we would see our own, and we block out all of the unknowns (because they're unknown - duh). We forget that there's a mess to clean up, that there are lots of people and organizations nearby that are set up to help in these situations. If your neighbor lost their home, there would be other neighbors to help. People are helpers. People like to help.

So take this time to figure out how to make cash out of the things you want to send. Maybe you sell them on eBay. Maybe you have a garage/rummage/yard sale. Maybe you need to do that to get the $5 or $10 to send to the Red Cross or Mennonite Disaster Service. Maybe cash just isn't obtainable, so you go donate blood today (hey, you get a cookie, and juice!). Maybe take an extra minute to create space in your life to help more the rest of the year, when there isn't a huge crisis to focus on. Find a place to volunteer once a week. Find a kid who needs some unconditionally positive adult attention. Find a way to create a world where love overwhelms people 365 days of the year, not just one.

Summer house-sitting

Vintage Italian Race Car tie

I am often asked to house-sit, since I'm single and people assume that I will jump at the chance to live in a real house (or maybe they just know I love dogs and central air, and know that I won't have to get a housesitter for my own house, seeing as how I live in a garage and carry all of my valuables with me when I leave).

It's pretty difficult for me to leave my bed for more than an afternoon (it's really an all-purpose piece of furniture: desk, chair, kitchen table, sleeping mechanism). So my experience this summer of housesitting has been a really positive one. I was able to pack up my stuff and drive away, and I was super proud of myself for just doing it, without planning to go home every day to check on my store, but just putting it on vacation, and saying, "I'll mail it Tuesday". I'm proud of myself for getting out of bed, for weeding the garden and playing with the dogs, for taking the opportunity to walk down to the river and stumble upon a pack of super-tan cyclists on some sort of long-distance jaunt with bike trailers. And I'm proud of myself for being the kind of person that people trust to leave their dogs, cat, and schools of fish to care for.

And finally, I'm proud of myself for figuring out how to use the coffee maker, because that kind of failure would have been tragic.

Friday morning rant :)

I'm really struck lately by the number of people in the church-at-large, who find complete satisfaction in an individualistic faith that focuses on sin and personal development. Now, don't get me wrong, I am the queen of personal development. Personal development is great! Go get yourself a therapist! But please don't let that be the end. Personal development is for the world, for the needy and the broken. We work towards healing for ourselves so we can pass it on to others.

I'm so tired, just bone-drained tired, of this endless religious craziness in the US. I'm tired of people yelling about "traditional values". The Western church is now completely about my personal relationship with Jesus - my best friend, and how my life was changed, and how great I feel about myself. It's all about what my neighbor is doing wrong, how my neighbor is sinning, or causing me to sin, all about how frightened I am of where my country is going. I just want to scream, "Get a freakin' grip, people!"

I might be single forever (lest you forget that this blog is all about me finding a man), because I'm not willing to put "Jesus is my homeboy" on my eHarmony page. I might be single forever, but I'm not willing to live a life of family devotions and being a submissive invisible wife. I may be single forever, but I'm not going to buy into the idea that women should cover themselves up to keep men from sinning. It's 110 degrees out? Yup, I'm gonna wear shorts. Deal with it. You had a sexual thought about a person other than your spouse? Deal with it, and move on. I want everyone to collectively throw in the "personal sin elimination" card and just accept the fact that they're flawed and are going to do and say and think stupid things. Yup, you are. You're human. Deal with it. You think God agonizes about forgiving you? It's doubtful. There are, after all, seven billion people in the world, and they all need four hugs a day, so...you do the math.

Now go out there and do something that helps people, that doesn't involve a sign. Peace out.

A great idea.

 

Today, I was sitting in church, and for some reason, I had a great idea. My senior paper is all about dwelling where you are, blooming where you're planted and all that. So in an effort to prepare for the presentation of my paper on Wednesday, my brain has been throwing around ideas to save my city, to encourage people to stay (to encourage myself to stay as well).

Here's the idea: I create an alternative sentencing facility where people can come and live and work and get better. There's an organic farm where people can work, and a dorm facility with industrial kitchen where people can come and eat. Maybe there will be a restaurant, or dining hall or something on the property. Maybe I'll need two kitchens. Every one will have a job. It will be communal living, and there will be therapists and a doctor on-site. I don't know if I'll be able to have it in town, or if I'll need more property. I imagine that it would be a good idea to have animals, but I don't see animals in my dream right now.

Gosh, I'd have to get grants, and I'd have to get permission from the city and county courts. It'd be a huge project. There would have to be permanent employees to give the place structure and consistency.

I like to dream.

Life update

I hate it when people get preachy on their blogs. I hope I never come across that way. Whatever I say is for my own enjoyment, really, and if anyone else likes it too, that's just icing on the cake. It is noteworthy that I love my readers, though, and love to make them happy (or just make them think).

We all know I've taken to hibernating on the weekends. Tomorrow, I am going to church, but I love not doing a thing on Saturday and Sunday. I wish that no one (including me) cared that I missed church, or didn't go to my small group on Sunday evenings. I wish that there were two more days in the week, so I could do it all.

I am getting a lot better at going through my stock more regularly. Why hold onto stuff that doesn't sell? Why let it clutter my already tight apartment? That's just silly, I say.

Christmas is coming. As I declutter, I am holding onto things that are good for other people as gifts. I have not been as successful this year at saving gifts for the six months prior to the holiday season. And at no point am I going to get a surge of energy in the next two weeks, so whatever is in my home right now, will have to do (Family, take note! You will not suffer).

I did me some yoga in my living room this evening. Pandora has a yoga station, and that was lovely background music. I'm getting better, stronger, and it feels really good.

I think I'm making Saturday evening my thriller film night. Maybe I will be inspired (like when I watched The Forgotten) and write something thrifty tomorrow when I return to the interweb.

Ah, the guilt

I spent all day yesterday working on my paper. I have nothing left this morning to go to church.

I feel like I let people down when I don't go, especially when a friend is preaching. I feel like I owe it to her to be there. I feel like people will forget me if they don't see me often enough, that they'll stop caring about me the less they see me.

But I'm so tired, and I've seen what happens when I wear myself too thin. It's not pretty, and I need to leave some wiggle room. I'll get sick at this pace. Ah, but the guilt.

I don't have the energy to analyze this right now, so I'm just going to do it, because I have to. I will suffer the guilt, because the fact is, I don't got have anything left to give right now. I'm all out. See you on the flip side.

Theology and Sexuality

This weekend, I am taking a class on Sexual Addictions. I'm taking it, not because I need the class for any requirement, but because I don't feel like I have any sense of what sexual addiction is about, whether it is different from other addictions, and if so, how and why?

I would really like to write about the theology of sexuality, like dissertation write about it. I have come to such a different place in my heart through my years at the seminary. But I feel like it's off-limits in a way. For example, there are women writers who write about sex and theology, who even do it well. Yet, in spite of this, the podcast I received this week, that we were to listen to before class, mentioned ZERO women. You read that right, zero. I was offended. I still am.

But there's something about women writing about sex that seems like too much to us. Men talking about sex can be academic, scriptural, biblical, etc. Women talking about sex could be emotional, laden with the possibility for innuendo. Women are seen as sexual objects and are thus even at greater risk for being misunderstood and vilified for their brashness. We read the words, but we see breasts, breasts, breasts. Yikes.

This (i.e. writing about theology and sexuality) is not my calling in life right now, though it is a passion of mine. If I have a "calling", I don't know what it is.

[Sidenote: Now that I'm in my final year at the seminary, I'm flooded with this language of calling. "Has he been called?" "Have they called her yet?" "We've decided not to call you." I'm not a fan. Calling is by God, no? So for something that is God-driven, we throw our weight around an awful lot on the issue.]

I wish we could talk about sexuality more freely. I wish that we weren't still wrestling with the topic of gender (and by we, I mean a large percentage of the Church). We're still talking about ordaining women, when we should be talking about issues of justice in our larger environments and the Church's effect on the World. But there we sit in our small churches, arguing about women in the pulpit. Bleh. It makes me crazy.

So I enter this weekend with hope that I will be surprised, but concerned that I won't be. Updates later.