I am bad at being patient.

After waiting two years to find these in my size, when they arrived, all I could think was, "Meh"

So I moved into my new office today, and found that in spite of my saying that "yes, that's okay with me", it did not feel okay to have someone else's things in the office. The previous occupant needs a little bit of grace to move her things out. And in that moment (which extended into a school-day long of feeling crappy and anxious), I realized, "Hey Megan, you're not as patient as you thought you were." Shit. I was afraid of that.

I have waited for a lot of things in my life, and for some of them, I am still waiting. Scratch that. I've been waiting for a lot of things for my whole life. I thought that this waiting was making me a patient person, but in fact, it isn't. I've become angry about the waiting. I'm angry with God for the hand I was dealt. I'm angry at God for not plucking me out of my own life, and giving me a similar, but easier, alternate reality. Instead of being an adult about the whole thing, I've allowed my three-year-old self to run the show, and she's constantly asking, "Are we there yet?" And I don't know what to tell her. "No, we're not there yet. I don't know when we're going to be there, or if we'll ever get there, or if I even know where it is we're supposedly going." Is that what I say?

Whatever I end up saying, I want it to be something that helps me to be more patient, that points me in the right direction, instead of where I am at the moment, the decidedly wrong direction. Somehow, I need to learn to be patient for the things I want. But it's so hard. I want it now!

Also, I'm terrible with change, so that might not be helping the situation. Prescription? More cowbell!

What I want :)

To know me is to know I love cake :)

So in an effort to evidence my desire to want more, here is what I've come up with. While I understand that these things may not all occur, I still want them to. So this is what I wrote the day I decided to start wanting things.

I want a house, with a kitchen, a kitchen window and counter space
I want to write a book, a whole book, and then another, and then another
I want sons who climb trees and get into trouble - I don't want a television
I want to learn Spanish
I want to go to Slovenia - I want to live in Slovenia, learn the language, write my book
I want to tell my mother how she hurt me, and let her know that I forgive her
I want to hike the John Muir trail
I want to do a headstand and the splits
I want to take a Northern California thrifting tour
I want to see Lori McKenna with Amy for my birthday
I want to go to the annual San Francisco library book sale
I want to visit my friends in Canada, and in Kansas, and in Switzerland
I want to go to an art conference in New Mexico
I want to go to Vista Academy to see my tile

Another day, I will explain all of these, but not today. Peace out.

Want is a terrible thing.

I wasn't much of a Barbie girl...my poor mother laments this

“[S]he believed that the Buddhists were right – that if you want, you will suffer; if you love, you will grieve.”

-Anne Lamott, Crooked Little Heart

Last week, in between watching the Olympics, reading Jane Austen, and hangin' with the dogs, I thought about some stuff. I generally try not to think too much, since I'm neurotic and thinking too much all the time anyway, but sometimes it's necessary to sit in silence and work to untangle some things in your brain. I probably have done a lot of thinking this summer, since I had no time to think the previous year. Perhaps the thoughts just backed up in my brain, and had to be processed one by one, like items on a conveyer belt coming out my ears.

When I was a kid, I didn't want things. I just didn't. I learned at an early age that wanting was futile, that it only brought pain, and that it was just easier to avoid it entirely. But when things started to happen that were outside of my control - I fell in love, and didn't know what to do about it - I was faced with the question, "How does a person want and not want, love and avoid, all at the same time?" After all those years of not-wanting, the feeling of want became unbearable, so uncomfortable, and I got stuck between the two, not being able to choose either one.

So I've decided to want things, and unfortunately (oh boy), wanting means suffering. Wanting inevitably means not having, not getting. And at some point, I might get the things that I want, the big things, or maybe I'll get different things, things that are better for me than the things I want (thank you, Mick Jagger). But I'm tired of believing that I don't deserve the things that other people have, that for whatever reason I deserve less because I am less.

Oh geez, sometimes I sound like a makeup commercial.

Got anything layin' around?

Do you have something around your house that takes up a lot of space, but has no purpose? Read this article (or just glance at the title) and watch the accompanying video. You may be inspired.

Of course, this was an interesting story to me because I live in California, and when one flies over pretty much anywhere in our lovely state, one will immediately recognize the number of swimming pools we have in our backyards. When I lived in San Diego County, our neighborhood had a shared community pool, and it was big and deep and always the perfect temperature. I think there was also a spa/jacuzzi. It was fun. It was a place to see friends. I enjoyed it.

I'd like to see more communities planned in this way. Obviously, in my old neighborhood, we swam at the pool year-round. Where I live now, pools are used less often because our winters are not conducive to winter swimming. We lie at the extremes, temperature-wise. So here's my thought: why not put that space to good use, like the family in Arizona? Why not create more shared spaces, and fewer individual spaces that can't be shared neighborhood-wide?

This is just a thought. I don't know how I can make this happen. I have a negative amount in my bank account. What do I know?

Looking for a lot...

 

...of envelopes.

So I think that someone, out in the world somewhere, should stockpile used shipping supplies, and then sell them in lots on eBay. I would buy something like that. I don't have enough stuff coming in to be able to do that myself, and I don't have room to store much, so if it's not getting used, it gets gone.

There are of course, the 100% recycled options, and I am totally okay with purchasing stuff like that. I just don't want to spend money on new stuff if I can spend it on trash. You know what I mean?

In the meantime, I am working with what I've got during the Christmas shipping rush. I'm pretty close to making a functional shipping package out of a clear food container, but it hasn't yet come to that.

These vintage Holly Hobbie ornaments were found in a bag (9 total) for a dollar :) I took a trip out of town late last week when my favorite store was closed, and I still needed to feed the monster.

Linked up with Apron Thrift Girl at Thrift Share Monday.