Physical urges.

The ultimate question - "Is it suede?"

I've been sick all weekend, and it's made me kinda crazy. It's also completely taken away any kind of verbal filter I usually have, so I'm saying "fuck shit" whenever something doesn't go my way, which is about every five minutes.

So, I've talked about want before, want in the sense of a physical urge, a primal thing that gets fed when we're young so when we get to adulthood, we understand the process. And the over-consumption of modern wherever is probably some sort of psychological commentary on our ability as a society to effectively cope with that wanting mechanism inside of us.

Well, my want mechanism was extinguished early, so now when I want, I question feelings of want incessantly. If I want something, I try to figure out why, and if I should want it, and what it means that I do/might want it. The whole process is ridiculous, because most people just want something and then they go and get it. But I want something, and then end up cutting myself bangs or professing my undying love to one of several people. Want makes me a crazy delusional person. It makes me illogical.

All of this has to do with sex. So, yeah.

Thrift Share Monday :)

Stocking kits are always a big deal :)

So I bought a few Christmas items. I haven't listed my Christmas stock yet. I figure it needs to dip below the triple digits before I do. I know that people might want to start working on projects, though, so I listed this kit yesterday.

Onion River Pottery

Whenever I see these mugs, I buy them. I just think they're so special. I've totally become a mug person in the past year. I've come to believe that the first things we look at in the morning should make us smile (and that definitely includes bedmates).

Florsheim boots

The elementary school across the street started ringing its bells this morning, even though the kids aren't back in school yet. Personally, I'm not ready for the school bells to start ringing. Somehow, in the midst of a summer of neverending heat, vacation has ended and regular life must return.

Peace out :)

Thrift Share Monday :)

Shimano clip-in Mountain Bike Shoes

On Saturday morning, I went out and had a breakfast burrito with friends, then stopped for some thrifting on the (long way) home. I had a gift certificate for $30 to one of my favorite stores, and spent all of it on shoes to sell and clothes for myself. I was going to wait until the end of the summer for clothes shopping, but I had to spend the money all at once, so I split it on my business and myself. I feel like it was a good combination.

Good 'ol Swedish Wooden Clogs :)

I sell a fair number of shoes, so I'm always on the lookout for good quality pairs. It's been difficult to sell high-quality unknown European labels, however, so I've been more cognizant of that lately. I have a wonderful pair of sandals, that look just like Birkenstocks, but they're not, so in my shop they've sat for months. Some things I buy without even thinking, like these clogs. I've sold at least two or three pairs over the past year, and they tend to sell pretty quickly, especially if they're a reasonable size (these are a 38).

Aerosole Patent Leather Pumps

I also look for high quality sports shoes, like the Shimano shoes at the top. I always think about how expensive a sport can be, especially as an adult, and how nice it is to be able to still do the thing you enjoy without having to worry as much about money. My friends love rock climbing, and I found a pair of rock climbing shoes last week. We worked out a deal. They really wanted them, and it was a no-brainer to sell them to friends (and quick!).

Linking up with Apron Thrift Girl.

Drunk teenagers

Vintage Peanuts bed-sheet - Charlie Brown & Snoopy :)

Yesterday, I hung out with drunk teenagers. It was 5 o'clock in the evening, and they wanted to start roaming the neighborhood, so I accompanied them. We went to the park, swung on the swings, and generally had a nice time. They were overly affectionate and making friends with people they referred to as "hobos", as in, "Hobos sure are cool, Megan." Eventually, I decided I'd had enough and turned for home. Once we were inside an enclosed space, I immediately wanted them to leave. I wanted to sit with adults and eat dinner, and not have teenagers screaming in my ear.

At one point in my life, I too was a stupid drunk teenager. I drank a lot in high school, and by the time I graduated, was pretty much done with the scene. I got to college, and it seemed so strange to me. Where was the fun? Where did I fit in if I didn't drink? How could I be social and well-liked, but not have to go to worship night and sing hymns? It never seemed like there were other options, so I played the part. A close friend regales me with stories of me at parties, drunk and topless, which I have no memory of.

I drank for the same reason most people do. I drank to get away from feeling lost and alone. I drank to fit in. I drank to pretend that everything in my life was okay, and that I wasn't miserable all the time. It worked. But it also brought out my selfishness, and my tendency to be unkind. I was too honest, unfiltered, and passed out quickly. I was like a tornado, spinning quickly through the room, spreading loads of damage, then disappearing into the night.

I don't miss those days. I don't miss feeling so awful, hating myself so incredibly much. I like myself today, and I strive to spend my time in a way that encourages self-love and discourages self-loathing. Oftentimes, I am too hard on myself, and I expect more of myself than I do of anyone else. But sometimes I get it right, and then on a rare occasion think, "Gosh I'm glad to be alive". But that's not today. I'll try again tomorrow.

Peace out :)

Postscript (10/21/12): I in no way contributed to the teenagers being drunk, just in case you worrywarts are having anxiety.

Saving the World

I am super frustrated today by people unwilling to budge a little to admit a bit of responsibility and do something to solve a small problem.

It is my belief that I am an unexceptional (though awesome) human being, and that everyone cares about other people and systemic functioning as much as I do. But time and again, I am proven wrong. Should I trust people selling me their used car? Probably not entirely. Should I assume that other people want to help as much as I do? Probably not. Perhaps I should pay a little less attention to global problems and a little more attention to my own.

I didn't become this way on accident. I was raised to depreciate my own health in the interest of the well-being of others, and this seems to be an issue I'm still working through. Now, my occupation is evidence that I care a lot about other people, and it offers me opportunities to continually manage boundaries, but it is also evidence that my "helping others before myself" attitude is not easily ignored - it's something I deal with regularly, and something I often have to keep in-check.

Call me a fascist commie, but I think that we, as human beings, need to pay attention to one another a little more, and ourselves a little less. We need to think about how our actions affect others a little more, and our smart phones a little less.

What do I do with my car?

Two days ago, I was in a hit-and-run on a local freeway. A large truck was swerving in the far left lane, ran into me on my driver's side, then sped away. There was a fair bit of traffic, and I couldn't move or swerve. It all happened so fast, and for the next several hours, I wasn't quite sure if I had done something wrong, but no, it was an accident, and it sucks, and that's just how it is.

So now my car is in worse shape than ever, and I don't want to deal with it anymore! I just want it to end, this whole car craziness. I don't want to drive a car that people feel compelled to run into (as per this comment last night from a friend: "Yeah, I'd run into that"). This darn rabbit keeps digging me into a deeper financial hole, and all I want is out, out, out!

Yesterday, on a lovely trip to see my parents, and do their laundry (disabled parent = need to be productive in the face of chaos), a friend offered me a non-running 1990 Toyota Corolla which needs the following: serpentine belt, temperature gauge, radiator. It's been sitting in their back lot for at least a year, and was running fine until the aforementioned items exploded from the dashboard (no joke). The car has air conditioning, four doors, and upholstery, all of which I covet. And it may be free (before repairs, obviously). So I'm spending a few days deciding what it will cost to fix, whether or not it's wise to do so, and praying to God that somehow, in some small way, I can be relieved of this mess.

Peace out :)

Thriftspiration.

El Vaquero Valerio Giuntoli boots - booyah :) Pretty freakin' awesome.

Do you like how big the photo is? Do ya? Do ya? You're welcome.

So in an effort to discover the origin of these freakin' awesome boots, I ended up on Italian eBay, looking at shoes, and boy was that a good time. They were all so colorful! I wish I had a ton of money to spend on shoes.

Why aren't we all buying more Italian leather shoes? I found these blue leather heels. They were unlike anything I'd ever seen, and they made me drool. What can I say? Even I, the lover of trash and all things used, can easily get drawn in to consumerist lust. Seriously, I cannot contain my glee, so I'll share it with you: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 (oh, and I can't resist - 6).

I am spending the weekend probably reading scandalous literature to my mother in the hospital. If I don't keep her adequately entertained, I imagine that she will be more prone to sexually harassing cute young male orderlies/nurses/doctors and blaming it on the morphine. I take it upon myself to be a buffer - not in a codependent way, just in an effort to have more men in my life.

Peace out mofos :)

Saving $ @ thrift stores - Part 2

A textbook on etiquette - PhD reading material :)

A couple thrift stores in my city have used Groupon as an avenue towards bringing in customers. At least, I imagine it brings in new customers. I think this is more profitable in advertising than it probably is in actuality, numbers-wise, but I'm beginning to think (based on my own behavior) that a lot of those Groupons don't ever get used, and then the store pockets the profit. I'm all for it. If you paid for something you then never used, that's on you. Sorry folks. I've done it myself, then hang my head in shame. I usually don't buy these things, because it just doesn't make sense to me. There's a time limit, and thrift is not a predictable activity. I'm not much of a gambler, although reselling is always a gamble.

One of these same avant-garde stores has a bag sale every couple months or so, where you purchase a bag of clothing for $10. When I first started doing this, I filled the bag full to the top. But now, I just get the things I want. I don't need to be bringing home things I don't need, or will never sell. I think a whole lot of people use these weeks to stock up on merchandise, but they don't look like online sellers. They look like full-time yard salers (yes, we have those in my neighborhood). No matter what, the cashier gives me a weird look when my bag isn't bulging, but it's still financially positive for me. I just have learned to buy less over my past year of reselling.

Having a super-small space has really helped me to learn to take in less merchandise. It saves me time when I'm not trying to sell things that will never sell, and it helps me not go crazy stepping over inventory in my living room. Also, I have a couch now, and I lie on it and read, so I think this strategy is really serving me well in the long run.

Menstruation! Periods!

Large cork placemats from Pimpernel - Made in England

So I personally hate the clutter of ads on blogs, and I don't see my blog as a marketing ploy, so I haven't signed up for any monetizing opportunities...until now. Today I signed up to be an affiliate on a menstrual cup website, and I've placed a friendly button on the right, under "My campaign to save the planet".

A couple months ago, I bought a cup in hopes that it would work for me, and allow me to radically decrease my personal waste. I get pretty offended by implicit suggestions that we as women should be scared or ashamed of our business, that we need someone else to take care of it for us. I've heard fear and disgust from so many people - it makes me sad :( There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with your body. Yeah, maybe I'll have a daughter someday and give her the "miracle of life" spiel, and then we'll all laugh at what a crazy hippie I am.

I am also VERY offended by those campaigns that tell people to buy sanitary napkins for women in Africa so they can go to school. When we place more importance on money than we do on human beings, we dehumanize people, and ourselves, in the process. I don't need to make any money off of the affiliate program. I just want to publicly support personal behavioral shifts that radically defy the status quo. Is that such a big thing to ask? I like to tell people things that they didn't know before. I like to be helpful.

Note: If anyone can affirmatively ding me for using that vintage ad as a button, let me know, and I'll take it down. Also, full disclosure, my deal is that if someone buys something through my page, then I get 15% of profits from the sale. If you think I should use the money for a particular cause, let me know in the comments :)

Have you ever been in love?

I don't have relationships with exes. I imagine that some people do. As I said before, I am like a sponge, and I don't do well managing feelings without slipping into old patterns. I doubt it's always the healthiest option, but for me, it's the best one. It protects my heart, and in odd cases, the hearts of other people (I just don't imagine anyone is too hung up on me post mortem).

And it works well. I leave, try again, mess up again, and no one is destroyed in the process. I was finding that every time I went back to my ex-boyfriends, my heart only became more attached, and more difficult to pull out of the relationship. Where once we might have been able to make somewhat of a clean break, re-entering the fray only made it more difficult to leave a second time without major trauma to my heart. Maybe our hearts were made for monogamy. I don't know. Sometimes I imagine that they are. But I don't think that our human-ness makes us able to not hurt eachother, and sometimes moving on is the best thing for everyone involved. Maybe in a perfect world, we could all mate for life, but I doubt anyone makes it to adulthood without breaking a heart or two.

Be kind. Being a grown-up means sacrifice, usually the sacrifice of things we thought we needed to survive. Maybe it can be okay to let go, if it means that in the end, you save a heart or two.

Dumpster diving

Do you ship stuff? Do you dumpster dive for cardboard boxes? If you don't, I think you should. I get mine from an elementary school cafeteria. They're constantly throwing out boxes because of the amount of food they go through, and then I only take the ones that work for me. Oftentimes, there are produce boxes, and those don't work so well because of all of the holes. When there are small ones, I take them all. I don't take any that are gross, because that would be, well, gross.

In doing this, and combining that thrown-away cardboard with my all-recycled paper tape, somehow I am reducing my carbon footprint with my shop. Maybe no one notices, or even cares, but it matters to me. It matters that what I'm calling "recycling" is in fact, recycling, and that what I use is biodegradable and/or recyclable. When I'm at the post office, I take the Priority Mail boxes that other people have tried to use, but have thrown away. I really need to get a stamp to put on all of my boxes and packages that reminds people to recycle or reuse the packaging (I really want to buy this one).

Share your unique ideas for recycling shipping supplies :)

Funkdigity

Knitting? Gardening? Staring out the window?

Should I be doing something else? Should I be watching less television? Should I be walking on the grass and staring at the sky more? I'm in that weird place where my life is changing and I don't quite know what to do while it's happening. I've been talking about it for the past nine months or so, but now my graduation is a week away (nine days to be exact). I'm in a funky funk, and I'm just going to have to ride it out.

I'm pretty much a professional now. I'm a professional who sells trash on the internet (when I'm trying to convince someone how lame I am, I create really pithy sayings like that). I'm actually pretty awesome, but I don't know if it's okay to really live in that feeling. I might become obese or sociopathic if I care about myself too much (or too little for that matter). I guess I have a core fear that I have to maintain some kind of emotional balance that errs on the side of depression. That way, karma will repay me in my next life by blessing me with many virgins (seriously, why are virgins so valuable in the afterlife?) or cows.

I created an outfit for graduation day. I bought a dress yesterday, and took it to be altered today. I still need to have my earrings fixed. Everything fell apart at the beginning of the school year, and I've just kinda limped along ever since. Now I'm on the other side, and everything needs repair. Including me, probably.

Too busy to care

My idea of Hell is to be young again.

- Marge Piercy

As I get older, I find that life is never what I expect it to be. It is always more difficult. It is always more complicated. This past week, I have found myself at an end I've never experienced before, some sort of emotional place I didn't know existed, where life can be physically exhausting, and still continue. I can be more tired than I've ever been before, but still go to work, and still be good at my job.

Everyone is limited. We are human. But to choose to live in that imperfect humanness, accepting all of one's faults and limitations, allows us to be who we were truly meant to be. For me, that means that I am less able to be "on" than other people I know. I have less energy to give than other people I know. And every effort I make to fight that reality just puts me further behind.

Today, I didn't go to church. I felt guilty. There are things I need to take care of, and people expecting me to take care of those things. But I only have what I have. I can only give what I am able to give. The past few weeks have opened me up to a new reality of understanding what people mean when they say that the older they get, the less they care about what other people think. Older people also say that they like themselves more than they did when they were younger.

It's way better being a grown-up.

My heart is in the jungle.

 

For a moment today, I had an intense rush of longing for the jungle. I longed for simplicity, and candles, and the river. I saw my own bare feet, and the emptiness of the day. I saw myself alone, and it was lovely. To think of it makes my heart ache. To think more makes me want to cry. I left my heart in the jungle, but I really don't know why.

Storage facility estate sale

 

Oh-mg. Storage facility estate sale. Only thirty minutes away. I felt so productive. I also didn't spend much. Not spending much makes me happy :) Also, I heard the girl at the front say they're doing it again in a couple weeks-and it supports a local performing arts center in a small farming town.

All in all, it was very dirty, and at some point, I turned the wrong way between rows of tables, and I broke something. Yikes. I offered to clean it up, and pay for the item, but they let it go-no biggee.

So, a lot of junk to go through, and some awesome finds. I found some Harley Davidson tailpipes (or mufflers-I'm not sure). I just couldn't get them. They were huge and I didn't know what they were, or if I'd even be able to sell them ethically (not knowing much about them). Now that I'm home, and looking up Harley Davidson parts, I think I could have gotten them.

It'll be about a week before I go through the lot and list everything. I will be sure to share my finds.

It's so hard to be frugal.

 

Oh-mg. I was at the mall tonight, and there was a big (30-70% off everything) sale at a women's clothing store that has clothes that look nice on me (i.e. long pants), and I was so longing for new clothes. I had that moment, that I have sometimes, where I wished that buying new clothes didn't bother me so much.

I have been going through a bit of a shoe craze lately, though. I've bought Dansko clogs and galoshes in the past month on eBay. I've also completely lost my black slacks. Has anyone seen them? I have also been buying clothing for work even though I could wear the same thing every day and it wouldn't matter. It's a bit compulsive, in my opinion. I've been so hyped up about buying a new car, but when it comes right down to it, I can't do it. I want it so bad, but it just won't work. I can't afford to add that much money to my monthly budget. So I think I have to keep the Rabbit, the car with no working doors, no speedometer, no heater or air conditioner.

It's so sad to admit, but I can't afford more than what I have, and I have to live with what I have.

The pain can't last forever.

Have you ever felt debilitating emotional pain? Have you ever done everything in your power to then cover up or numb that awful feeling(s)? If so, you are not alone. And I am here to tell you that that numbing that you seek is perfectly understandable. Those terrible feelings are oftentimes the reason people attempt suicide. Sometimes those feelings do indeed feel worse than one imagines death could ever possibly feel. "Hell? This is hell."

So this is a shout out to all those who have felt those debilitating feelings of awful, unspeakable pain. You are not alone. Ride it out.

Someday the pain will end. It has to. It really must end at some point. I'm beginning to think that if I equate emotional pain with physical pain, I can begin to imagine that this awful feeling in my chest that makes me want to die is actually my heart healing from a horrific injury. It has been blasted, and now it is doing the difficult work of putting itself back together. I'm not going to pour salt into it by sleeping around and making it worse. I'm not going to start drinking excessively. Alcohol will only make it worse.

All of things we do to ease the pain only prolong the feeling(s). And in order to get over those feelings, we must FEEL them. We must do the awful, heartbreaking work of sitting with those feelings and waiting.

So wait, dearies. It will end. Someday, somehow, it will end.

A life of thrift

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."

Matthew 5:4-5 (The Message)

Thrift means never having everything you want, all at the same time. Thrift means sacrificing what you want for the greater good. Thrift means being content with who you are, no more, no less.

 

Living a life of thrift means not selling your soul, the invaluable, intangible part of you.

An outbreak of shopping fever

I am not a "Black Friday Shopper". I think that the whole thing is bizarre, but there are people I love who celebrate it ritually, so I have had to decrease my negative feelings to a dull whine.

Honestly, I just hate crowds. I feel smothered. I feel invisible. I feel out of control. It's all disorienting, and for no good reason. A friend posted something on Facebook last year, to the effect of, "Avoid the crowds-Buy Handmade-Shop Etsy". So I enjoyed looking around at Etsy today, and adoring those vintage motorcycle boots (that I would look amazing in).

In spite of my "anti-consumerism" attitude, I am constantly managing my own drive to consume. And because of that, because even I struggle with it, I think we can all agree that people aren't anywhere near the end of personal consumption. I myself am somewhat in the business of selling, so I think rerouting is a perfectly appropriate way to manage the symptom (i.e. "Buy Local", "Buy Used", "Buy Handmade"). I have come to enjoy ordering online (and of course I recognize that it takes money away from my local economy, but I haven't figured out how to fix that yet).

Today, I have been happily sitting around in my pajamas, save for a brief obligatory trip to the post office. I slept until 11am, and it was lovely. Then I manned my shops, filled orders, and enjoyed the gentle hum of my space heater.

Now I'm watching Outbreak. A wonderful end to a beautiful day. I'm trying to figure out if I should go see Contagion this weekend. It's playing at the cheap theaters, but everyone I know who has seen it has not been impressed.

Enjoy the long weekend, if you have one. Hug a friend, if you're feeling lonely, or wishing you weren't with your family. Hug a friend if you aren't with your family and wishing you were. Hug a tree if you're none of the above.