Part II: Scars and Clumsiness

Define yourself radically as one beloved by God.

-Brennan Manning

So I'm lying on the canal trail, bleeding, with asphalt in my wounds and the terrible bad luck to have twisted one ankle, but fallen on the opposite side. Both sides were inoperable, and even though I lived a quarter mile away, there was no way I could get there on my own. So I figured I'd wait it out, lie on the pavement and wait for a car to drive by. I was close enough to a street lamp that I was covered in a dull yellow light.

Several minutes later, a kind, caring couple stopped in their car. They put me in their Volvo and drove me home (so close, yet so far). We'd never met, and in that delirious moment, I wasn't sure they were real (again, low blood sugar + runner's high + serious injury = delirium).

I ended up being in crutches for a week. I couldn't work because of the terrain of the job, so I lived on my couch with my legs in the air, hoping I hadn't done permanent damage that would lead to a foot amputation (I was an uninsured diabetic with a foot injury; my mind wouldn't stop swirling with worry).

When my wounds healed, which they all eventually did, I had a bright red heart-shaped scar on my knee. And for some reason, I felt like it meant something. I felt loved and protected, and today, that scar reminds me of that feeling. I don't feel foolish for running at night, or for running alone. I don't feel silly for getting hurt at the beginning of a new job. I don't feel those things, because of that little heart, reminding me that I am loved unconditionally, even radically.

Many more times in the next few years, I would experience similar reminders, none of them visible scars, but all of them tattooed on my memory forever.

Scars and clumsiness

This morning I saw this collection of photos on The Huffington Post. Scars are often jarring, disconcerting things when seen from the perspective of onlookers. But by-and-large, people seem to be proud of their scars. This surprised me; I'm not sure why (Obviously, this is not an unbiased sample, though).

I have huge scars on both knees and I don't feel entirely fond of them. They're only a reminder of my clumsiness. In my crazed long-distance running days, I fell a lot, always on asphalt. One of these injuries was particularly bad. I'd just started a new job, and the human resources manager asked me to stay after my shift to work an employment fair with her. At the time, I had even less of an ability to say "No" than I do now, so even though I was exhausted, I went.

By the time I got home, it was dark, and I had to run out my stress. There was a mile-long paved trail right by my house, lit at night, and I ran laps. By the end, I had that runner's high combined with low blood sugar and maybe some dizziness. I tripped, and fell, sprained an ankle and a foot, and busted my knee. I couldn't get up and was bleeding all over myself. It was dark outside and there was no one around.

I'll finish the story tomorrow. Oo! A cliffhanger!

Failing at fixing

 

I keep trying to fix things and then my life only gets worse. My sink gets clogged from the broccoli I had for dinner, but then I can take all the pipes apart and clean them, right? Wrong, because then I don't put the pipes back together and now it's leaking. My toaster oven's button breaks, so I bought a new button, and now I'm overloading the circuit. What the heck.

SO basically, my whole life has fallen into the toilet over these two things, because that oven made my life okay. I got into this little apartment with no kitchen, but I had an oven, so I felt like a person. Now I don't have an oven. You see what's happening? I imagine that I can fix things, but then nothing gets fixed. I even put the time in. So now I'm tired, and feeling like a failure. Does this mean I have to buy a new toaster oven? Does this mean that I'm not a person who will ever be able to really fix anything? I would like to just find out now so I don't spend the rest of my life failing at fixing.

"Natural" remedies

In honor of being sick, I give you a list of herbal remedies I use obsessively:

1. Crushed garlic (severe cold/flu)
2. Warm Garlic/Olive Oil blend (ear infection)
3. Goldenseal/Echinacea (moderate cold/flu)
4. Vitamin C (mild cold/flu)
5. Cranberry capsules (urinary anything)

When I was trying to cure myself of diabetes, and wasn't taking any meds, I used:

1. Cinnamon
2. Prickly Pear Cactus
3. Chromium
4. Taurine

On a normal day, I take the following (vegan overload):

1. Vitamin B Complex
2. Prenatal Multivitamin (for the extra iron)

Thrift Share Monday :)

Pretty much, as a rule, I always buy Vogue patterns when I see them. What a fun idea for a kid's room or a classroom-fake animal skin rugs. Also, I just realized that these are vegan-friendly animal skin rugs! All the pleasure-none of the pain.

There was no publishing date on this book, just a copyright date of 1918. But then I got home and did some research-the book was not printed in 1918. What can I say? I just got it on a whim. It was early and I hadn't eaten breakfast (it was also dark and rainy). In general, I'm just not good at buying books. No matter what, I don't do it well.

Toner cartridges. These were also purchased on a whim. I think I've lost a bit of mojo in the past couple weeks. I've been buying and selling a lot, but no big ticket items. Sometimes I go through phases where I just want to get rid of stuff. I get tired of seeing the same things for longer than a week. I want movement! But then I start selling, and I get tired of low prices, and I settle down a bit. It comes and goes, I suppose. Right now, I'm definitely in an impatient period.

This was a pretty boring thrift share, in my opinion. I apologize. I will try to do better next week.

Linked with Apron Thrift Girl.

Obsessive behaviors

A friend of mine wrote her dissertation on Grace Livingston Hill.

It's been so long, but I'm back to Arrested Development. It's ridiculous the amount of television I consume. I think it confirms my status as a child of the 80s, or something like that. I definitely didn't watch a lot of TV when I was a kid. I was an obsessive reader. I loved anything serialized, because the story never ended. But television was out as an activity because it required me to be with other people.

I read the following series voraciously:

1. Anne of Green Gables (AS + GB = True Love)
2. The Boxcar Children (Um, making a boxcar into a home? Dream come true!)
3. Nancy Drew (Endless thrills down my spine)
4. Mandie (Christian series: Unloved orphan + endless mysteries = Awesomeness)
5. Babysitters' Club (Ah, the dream of being a "grown-up")
6. Babysitter's Little Sister (The step up system to addiction)
7. Laura Ingalls Wilder (Farmer Boy was always my favorite because of the food descriptions)

It's difficult for me to think about kids not having access to books the way I did. I always had books. Always. Books saved me. They kept me disassociated enough from life that I stayed somewhat sane. I read for the whole bus ride to school and back home (or snuck my cross-stitch on the bus until my illicit activity was discovered). I feel like this list doesn't adequately reflect the number of books I read, but this is all I can come up with off the top of my head.

It's so hard to be frugal.

 

Oh-mg. I was at the mall tonight, and there was a big (30-70% off everything) sale at a women's clothing store that has clothes that look nice on me (i.e. long pants), and I was so longing for new clothes. I had that moment, that I have sometimes, where I wished that buying new clothes didn't bother me so much.

I have been going through a bit of a shoe craze lately, though. I've bought Dansko clogs and galoshes in the past month on eBay. I've also completely lost my black slacks. Has anyone seen them? I have also been buying clothing for work even though I could wear the same thing every day and it wouldn't matter. It's a bit compulsive, in my opinion. I've been so hyped up about buying a new car, but when it comes right down to it, I can't do it. I want it so bad, but it just won't work. I can't afford to add that much money to my monthly budget. So I think I have to keep the Rabbit, the car with no working doors, no speedometer, no heater or air conditioner.

It's so sad to admit, but I can't afford more than what I have, and I have to live with what I have.

Less pie.

$6.27.

That's how much I spent today. I think I'm doing better not thrifting compulsively. One of the hardest things is not buying things for other people. I have a friend I buy clothes for, a teacher I buy books for, and then there is the year-long gift buying. When I find something, I get it, and then I'm always ready when a birthday comes.

Now I am feeling calmer. Instead of buying all of the vintage Vogue sewing patterns that I found, I only bought the two most valuable ones. I'm so proud of myself. That viewing of Hoarders really did me some good. I also dropped off a box of stuff today for donating.

I am not compulsive. I am healthy and make healthy decisions. But I did eat too much sugar last night and the headache I woke up with was killer.

Next step in healthy decision-making: less pie.