Celebrate good times, come on!

Vintage Tiki Hula Girl Boob Mug from Harvey's

I've spent the morning researching PhD programs outside of California. Those non-resident fees are astronomical! Don't bother getting a PhD without getting a research or teaching assistant position, which will likely give you automatic resident status and give you a stipend or scholarship in return.

I don't want to be a "doctor" per se, but I continue to run into the reality that I think in a research/clinical way, and my work does not particularly allow me to pursue these things actively. I love to research and write. I don't necessarily want to do tests on people, or rats, or monkeys. I just want to write about the thoughts in my head. I think that's a reasonable goal for a doctoral program - Dear Dean of Admissions, I'm brilliant and I need to share it with the world. Please accept me. You won't regret it. You'll be happy you did.

I tried to do this as a seventeen-year-old applying to the honors program at my university. It didn't work out so well. It made sense to me, but I guess they diagnosed me with narcissism, and threw the essay away. I'm struggling a lot with self-doubt right now, and will be spending the next two weeks trying to work through that. I don't think I want to go back to school. I think I just want to go to Montana, and meet some lumberjack with a thick beard who will appreciate my intellect, and write poems about trees.

Actually, I'm less interested in men than I ever have been. It's pretty wonderful. I highly recommend it. I think I've dealt with some issues surrounding my feelings of inadequacy about being single. Or maybe I'm just pretending. Who knows?

Anyhoo, good to have you. Please come again :)

I'm engaged.

I've been eating a lot of spinach lately. I put it in my fruit smoothies. I eat it on all of my pizza. Good stuff. It makes me feel like I'm a relatively healthy person, and I guarantee that my sister gets deliriously happy every time I eat it.

So today, this totally cute guy at the rescue mission thrift store said "Hello" to me, then said, "You're a regular. I've seen you before...Do you mind my asking your name?"

"Uh [what is happening?]. Megan."

That was pretty much the end of the conversation, but I definitely was impressed that he just came out and asked. I'm a sucker for men who speak to me. It's become more difficult lately. The whole masters degree thing doesn't exactly work in my favor. I'm tall, always thinking and using big words, and now I have an advanced degree. I'm stuck between men too intimidated to believe they could be with me, and men too narcissistic to make me happy.

Oh dear. Maybe I'll marry spinach.

"The Grape Harvest"

Based on a mosaic of a Millard Sheets piece in Southern California

After a party last night, I'm in a weird place in my head. I spent some time this afternoon wrapped up in my hammock. My friend helped me put it up this morning. Everything is better with my hammock up in a tree. How have I gone five years without it?

I'm having this sudden insecurity brought on by the online dating thing. Suddenly it matters what I say and what I do, and how others perceive me. It's why I'm so bad at interviews, but great at my job. There's something inside me that just shuts down when I know I'm being watched and judged. I wish there were a cure, but there isn't. It's a big part of who I am, and a large reason I put forward a strong sense of self most of the time. I'm afraid of being watched and being found wanting.

So I recycle things that have been discarded by their previous owners. In doing that, I challenge the world to tell me that it's trash. I don't believe it's trash, so how can you? I approach myself in the same way. I'm a bad ass. I dare you to say otherwise. Most of the time, I'm okay. But it's also why I haven't interviewed in over a year. It's my ultimate fear so I find every way I can to avoid it. But now I'm in a place (back to dating again) where I don't want to be avoidant. I want to put myself out there. But the fear is palpable, and in some ways, paralyzing.

I'm going to have a talk with myself right now, see if we can get this all sorted out.

Peace out.

Normalizing differences

I'm too smart for my own good sometimes. Sometimes my intelligence leads me to be judgmental and impatient with other people, instead of compassionate and understanding. I was the clumsy, daydreaming kid who didn't have common sense. Now I treat children in some of the same ways that I was treated. Well, I don't treat them that way, but I do get annoyed in my head, and have to work extra hard to be patient.

So all in all, I'm not failing. But my difficulty in this area reminds me to slow down, and think about the situation from the child's perspective. What must it feel like to not know how to do something in the presence of an adult? That must be so scary, and shameful. How could a kid admit that they don't understand if the adult understands everything? I need to remember to foster a culture where asking for help is normalized and being wrong, or "failing" is not indicative of a person's core worth.

Until we are called to rise...

We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies--

The heroism we recite
Would be a daily thing,
Did not ourselves the cubits warp
For fear to be a king--

Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)