"The Grape Harvest"

Based on a mosaic of a Millard Sheets piece in Southern California

After a party last night, I'm in a weird place in my head. I spent some time this afternoon wrapped up in my hammock. My friend helped me put it up this morning. Everything is better with my hammock up in a tree. How have I gone five years without it?

I'm having this sudden insecurity brought on by the online dating thing. Suddenly it matters what I say and what I do, and how others perceive me. It's why I'm so bad at interviews, but great at my job. There's something inside me that just shuts down when I know I'm being watched and judged. I wish there were a cure, but there isn't. It's a big part of who I am, and a large reason I put forward a strong sense of self most of the time. I'm afraid of being watched and being found wanting.

So I recycle things that have been discarded by their previous owners. In doing that, I challenge the world to tell me that it's trash. I don't believe it's trash, so how can you? I approach myself in the same way. I'm a bad ass. I dare you to say otherwise. Most of the time, I'm okay. But it's also why I haven't interviewed in over a year. It's my ultimate fear so I find every way I can to avoid it. But now I'm in a place (back to dating again) where I don't want to be avoidant. I want to put myself out there. But the fear is palpable, and in some ways, paralyzing.

I'm going to have a talk with myself right now, see if we can get this all sorted out.

Peace out.