Defeat.

Super cool original ceramic replica of a Polaroid Land Camera :)

"We shall find no enduring strength until we first admit complete defeat."

Twelve Steps, Step One

This inspired me this week, the idea that there is strength at the bottom, strength in brokenness. I struggle to hold on to his idea, even though I'm sure lots of people who know me would say otherwise, describing me as vulnerable. But the truth is, I like to look good. I talk big talk about trash and recycling, but deep down, I want people to think I have it all together and I want to look good.

I want to be a winner. I want to be the best. I don't want to admit my faults or flaws. I don't want the world to see the ugly parts of me.

It's easier to be vulnerable when deep down I think I have it all together, and the vulnerability is a nice persona. It's harder when it's the real thing, when the vulnerability is raw and needy and broken because that's where I am.

Defeat.

Staying hot.

Um, how 'bout you do it yourself, yo?

Relationships are ridiculous. My relationship is ridiculous. How else can I possibly describe something that involves being with a whole entire complete other person, another human being, who has an entire life of their own, who thinks thoughts that are their own, who has been and done things for a lifetime that have made them them? Relationships are crazy and hard and anyone who says otherwise is wrong wrong wrong (but not really - I just like being right).

I struggle with wanting to control other people. I struggle to admit that I am wrong. I am defensive and angry when I'm scared, and other people scare me all the freakin' time with their otherness. I struggle to be myself in the presence of other people, to truly be myself and not adjust myself to be more in-line with the other person. I am weak in that way. It worries me.

All of these things are compounded exponentially in an intimate romantic relationship, in a one-on-one, no-one-else-sees-this-but-us kind of relationship. And my flaws are microphoned out on a loudspeaker with the person that I love. I am ugly when I don't get my way. Ugly ugly ugly.

I am drinking a cup of coffee from a small coffee cup, and it gets cold very quickly. It is hot for a moment, and then it is cold. I have to refill it if I want it to be hot, or have one of those constant-candle-warmer kinds of things. I need a bigger mug. It needs to be thicker and deeper so the coffee stays hot. I need my soul to be thicker and deeper so I can stay hot and grounded and steady. Some people call this an ego. It's all the same thing. It's my innermost part, my deepest me. This is the thing I am working on, this thing I carry around in my broken human body. This is the thing that matters. I have to trust that God is in control and can do all of those impossible miraculous things I've seen over and again, and sit in stillness and wait. This waiting will make me better. It will make me still. It will keep me hot.

The big picture.

I'm so in love with this painting :)

I've sold a lot of stuff in the past few days, so I'm feeling really good. For a long time, I've had a goal of selling 50 things a month for at least $20 profit/item, and that hasn't been working the way I've expected it to. My new goal is $50/day, and it's working a lot better. I'm less concerned with individual item sales and more concerned with daily sales. It makes me more conscious of the bigger picture instead of being bogged down in the little things. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's working for me, so I'm happy.

I tend to get really anxious about little things, and pulled down into things that may not matter in the long term. I'm convinced that little things are the most important things, like how my thrifting impacts the world, and how my riding the train keeps Amtrak sustainable. I don't think this is working for me the way I want it to. I think it's keeping me from bigger things, from having a bigger impact. I dunno. I'm still on my first cup of coffee.

I am surrounded by helping professionals. I'm a seminary graduate. I have a lot of friends who are pastors, theologians, professors, non-profit peeps. I love this. I love being surrounded by people whose mission every day is to make a difference in the world, in the community. This keeps me motivated and inspired to keep going, even when I'm having an off day. I think a lot of these people vacillate between two extremes, the big picture and the small details. I'm realizing, as I write this, how limited I've allowed my life to be, by getting so caught up in little things. Thought for my day, I suppose :)

Please take a moment to read the most recent news about Syria, and consider making a donation to MCC, currently providing direct aid to Syrian refugees.