The big picture.

I'm so in love with this painting :)

I've sold a lot of stuff in the past few days, so I'm feeling really good. For a long time, I've had a goal of selling 50 things a month for at least $20 profit/item, and that hasn't been working the way I've expected it to. My new goal is $50/day, and it's working a lot better. I'm less concerned with individual item sales and more concerned with daily sales. It makes me more conscious of the bigger picture instead of being bogged down in the little things. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's working for me, so I'm happy.

I tend to get really anxious about little things, and pulled down into things that may not matter in the long term. I'm convinced that little things are the most important things, like how my thrifting impacts the world, and how my riding the train keeps Amtrak sustainable. I don't think this is working for me the way I want it to. I think it's keeping me from bigger things, from having a bigger impact. I dunno. I'm still on my first cup of coffee.

I am surrounded by helping professionals. I'm a seminary graduate. I have a lot of friends who are pastors, theologians, professors, non-profit peeps. I love this. I love being surrounded by people whose mission every day is to make a difference in the world, in the community. This keeps me motivated and inspired to keep going, even when I'm having an off day. I think a lot of these people vacillate between two extremes, the big picture and the small details. I'm realizing, as I write this, how limited I've allowed my life to be, by getting so caught up in little things. Thought for my day, I suppose :)

Please take a moment to read the most recent news about Syria, and consider making a donation to MCC, currently providing direct aid to Syrian refugees.

The Bachelor.

Vintage boobie shirt- a real winner :)

So as we all know, I love to talk about what I think, and reality television allows me constant fodder for discussion.

This season of The Bachelor brings us much more of the same: people stuck into unrealistic situations, manipulated to produce false romantic feelings, and constant drama and tears. Private islands, diamonds, and couture, do not a real relationship make. Which is fine, I mean, loads of people meet under strange circumstances, and somehow manage to eek out reasonable relationships. But life isn't perfect, and truth is stranger than the falsehood of false celebrity. So by the time the show is over, and everyone has fallen in and out of love, the reality of true life, real ugly human life, shows up, and no amount of célébrité is going to rewind the romance back to the bright lights and giddiness of the television show.

So every time the producers interview some woman who hasn't gotten a rose, and she's asking "Why? Why? Why?" and "What is wrong with me?" and "Why does this always happen to me?", I am screaming at the screen, "There is nothing wrong with you!!!" and "This has nothing to do with who you are - you are beautiful and wonderful and this isn't real!"

Anyhoo, all y'all bachelorettes out there, keep the faith and don't accept anything less than the absolute best.

Thus endeth Megan's brief fore into romantic advice columnist-mode.

Fin.

Everything is okay. I'm not insane.

Thrift store oil painting - there's just something about it I love :)

I had a less-than-wonderful day yesterday. Maybe it's the pending end-of-the-world. Maybe it's the fog, or the rain, or the fiscal cliff. Maybe it's the holiday season. Maybe it's the last month of unnecessary and expensive medical tests. Maybe it's female hysteria.

Whatever it was, it was something I'd done before, and something I'll do again. So I went and hung out with my favorite teenagers and the dogs. I went to bed early. I left work early. I wandered my favorite thrift store until Bruno Mars came on the radio and I had to flee. I took pictures of inventory in my driveway. I made jokes to make myself laugh. I reflected a wee bit about the source of my bad feelings. I listened to talk radio and Madman Across the Water. I did the things that make me feel better, bit by bit.

So that's life sometimes, and it's okay, to be sad and a little crazy sometimes. I'm probably a little crazier that most people, but I'm pretty fond of myself most of the time.

Hope all is well with you. Peace out mofos :)

Victorian Romance

Vintage Fire King Milk-Glass Tulip Saucer :)

I'm still listening to Taylor Swift. Whatever. My mom thinks my life is a Victorian romance novel, but I know better. Pathological delusional thinking does not a romantic life make. My life is below-the-fold material.

I think my love life makes me look like a little kid who doesn't know anything about life or commitment. It makes me look like a stupid single girl who thinks she knows things she could never know. Maybe those things are absolutely true. Maybe I am stupid and silly and immature. Maybe I'm seriously emotionally disabled and operating at a 13 year-old level. I think I'm okay with those things being true right now, mostly because who I am is who I am, and there's nothing I can do about it.

So maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, combing the landfills of love, looking for something salvageable. Maybe you've heard this all a hundred times, and thinking, "What the hell is this blog about anyway, and when is it going to get interesting?" Well, sorry. I'm just a poor little orphan girl, looking for a home, and trying to make sure that people stop looking at the new, and start looking at the old.

Thrift Share Monday :)

Signed "A. Mountanos 1980"

I found this mug last week, and haven't been able to find anything like it. There is a Mountanos Coffee Company, and I have been able to find some strand of a connection between the Mountanos surname, and Turkey. It might just be a fluke, but I thought it was really neat, and maybe collectible.

This morning, I woke up to a hilarious passive aggressive email in my inbox telling me, in essence, how selfish and greedy I was being for not accepting offers of 25-35% of my asking price, and how the buyer would send me "[my] profit" as soon as I accepted the offer. Dude, if you only knew how I get by. It's really laughable. Sometimes I ask myself if it's ethical for me to buy low and sell high, even if the item is worth what I'm asking. Sometimes I wonder if I need to cap my profit on any one particular item. I don't know. I'm not making a lot of money. I'm paying my bills.

Last night, my car started acting up, definitely structural and not the engine itself (it was still running well), and now I'm sitting in my apartment debating whether I should drive it at all before my appointment tomorrow at my mechanic. I still have paperwork to wrap up for my work year, and I have to drive to my supervisor's office to get final signatures. I'm kinda trusting that the car thing will be fixable in one day, and I'll be able to finish the paperwork traveling tomorrow afternoon. Ah the life of a VW owner! It's blissful, really :)

Linking up with Apron Thrift Girl.

It's all about the afterlife.

Isn't this SO cute?

They always throw around this term "the liberal elite." And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Geysers are big.

Yellowstone postcards from 1931

Oh wow. I've gone off the deep end. I've lost track of the words that are coming out of my mouth, and my mouth has taken on a life of its own where it operates without the presence or direction of my brain. Bad times, my friends. I am in trouble.

Bipolar disorder runs in my family, and I have only ever run on the severely depressed side of the mood spectrum. I've been having a lot of different weirdness going on in my body, and I'm not feeling like all is well, or as it should be. Tomorrow is a holiday, and I work all day on Tuesday, but I'm calling my psychiatrist as soon as I can. Whatever is happening is abnormal and not at all okay. Maybe it's nothing; maybe it's just a ton of anxiety, but I am not going to let it continue.

That being said, if you have any kind of mental health issues/diseases/conditions, please know that there are always people willing to hear you. Whether it's a suicide hotline, or a teen crisis line, or a domestic violence hotline, people want to help you. Sometimes all we need to do is reach out from the frenzied clutter of our brains and tell other people that we need help, and we gain a new chance at freedom. So I'm gonna do that, before things get worse, while I still have a chance of turning this train around.

Online dating update (it sucks)

Frye Boots, baby! This model is no longer made.

So when I started setting stuff up for the flea market, organizing and such, I realized that I have a lot more than I could have imagined, and my booth should look really nice and full on Saturday. I'm a little bit concerned about my own energy level, and my ability to get through the day, but I'm committed and will do what needs to be done.

The online dating thing is lame. I hate it. I want a refund. All I think when I look at it is, "This is not what I want". I don't know at what point it's appropriate to do something I don't want in the interest of having sex a meaningful relationship sometime soon. I don't know how far to push myself in this area, when nothing else has been fruitful, so I don't have other, better, options.

I want a man I'm deeply attracted to. I want a man who's at least as strong as me. Those are the two hardest things to find. All of the other stuff is way easier. My therapist and I talked today about how capable I am. I have quality friendships with men. I've had intimate relationships with men. All I have to do is put the two together, and I'll be in business! I told her she was being too positive; she said she wasn't trying to be.

I'm tired of it being so hard.

[That's what she said :)]

Please don't suck it up!

I hate passive aggression, hate it. It makes my cheeks flush, heart races, blood pressure goes up, brow furrows. None of these are good things.

Instead of coming out and saying, "I'm not happy with you", the passive aggressive person waits until you're not expecting it, long after any uncomfortableness has passed. They lie in wait until you're innocently drinking from the stream like a young deer, enjoying the fresh cool water, the blue blue sky, and the gentle breeze blowing over your fur. Then POW! You're shot in the heart, and proceed to die a long slow miserable death, choking on your own blood and gasping for air. All you want to know, before you are gone, is "Why?" and "What the hell is wrong with you (i.e. passive aggressive shooter)?"

A few years ago, this was the only aggression I knew and understood. Then I met a wonderful person who wonderfully told me how she felt at the exact moment she was feeling it. Then that particular anger-inducing incident was over, in her mind. I would of course grieve for days about the loss of our friendship, and come crying to her to take me back, which she always would. But she was never stewing. She was just sad that I had to be sad for so long. She had never even considered not being my friend (Thank you God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I never deserved that amazing gift).

Phew. This relationship lifted the heavy load off of my back that I'd been carrying for decades. Now, whenever some idiot wants to come and return the heavy load, or give me a new one, I can't even stomach it. The idea of taking it back makes me sick.

My motto is: Don't make your problem my problem. Tell me how you feel and be done with it. If you don't, you'll still treat me (and possibly other people) badly, probably unintentionally, and you don't want that.

Tell 'em how you feel, no matter how bad or shameful it seems to you. Your feelings outside of your body are better than your feelings inside your body eating away at all of your organs.

Mental health day

I have so many things to do-important things to do-things that must be done. But I don't have it in me. I don't have anything in me. I don't know where it all went, but it's not here. So I'm going to sit in one place until it returns. See you when I see you.

Note: Today is Drug Disposal Day. Go here for a nearby location to drop off your unused and/or expired medications.

Difficult things

I need a new phone. My turns on and texts, but does not call out. I don't know if it accepts calls. I haven't gotten any, but I don't get a ton of phone calls, so that's not that weird. I know I've talked about getting an iPhone, but money is still an issue, and it is a fairly large expense. Also, I am brainless when it comes to purchasing anything of substance. I get overwhelmed by all of the many, many intricate details. So here I sit, not doing anything, because it's not an emergency.

I have a Razor. I have had it for three years, and it was a hand-me-down from a friend. Before that, I had a bulky Nokia, the ones that you had to grasp with your whole hand. I am proud of my lack of need for new technology. It makes me feel less crazy to know I'm not getting caught up in the frenzy. But that's just me; it's a thing about me, I suppose.

The last 24hrs. have shown me an awful lot about myself, things I knew but wasn't really needing to work at, or work through, things I just thought were a part of me, that are now getting in my way. That's a hard pill to swallow: the realization that something you thought was an essential part of you is something that is hurting you more than helping you.

That's probably one of the most difficult things to throw away.

Decisions, decisions

I'm very particular about decision-making. I do things because they are "the right thing to do". This may get me into trouble at times, but I've never felt bad for trying to do the right thing. When I was a kid, I listened to Adventures in Odyssey from Focus on the Family Radio, and there was a show about this topic. The conclusion of the show was: You can do the right thing for the right reason, the right thing for the wrong reason, the wrong thing for the right reason, or the wrong thing for the wrong reason. This really stuck with me. So for me, the right reason is always the goal. Of course, the right thing is preferable to achieving that goal, but the wrong thing will suffice.

Sometimes the voice in my head tells me to do things that seem weird, out of character, or rather, very much in character (just the crazy, neurotic character that I regularly try to downplay). Oftentimes, this voice does not go away until I do the thing, and then I find out how great it was that I chose to do it, how much I learned, how great it is for the Kingdom of God, blah, blah, blah. But that intermediary space totally freaks me out. "Why am I having this thought?" I ask myself. "Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage a relationship?" This wouldn't be out of the question. I've been known to do this quite often.

Lately the voice has been telling me to tell someone something, and I'm not even sure about the specifics of the something, just the generalities. And the telling is not bad for anyone. No one would be harmed in the telling, but I do have a deep wish that the telling would somehow change my circumstances, at least in the distant future. But the second voice, the "me" voice, says "You're crazy."

What is wisdom? How does one find it?

On a lighter note, when it comes to wisdom in the realm of thrift, I have again proven myself to be flush with it. A friend needed clothing yesterday; we went to Goodwill; she got shorts; I got tops. Mission accomplished. Ten minutes. Also, we'd just met. So yeah, I assessed her size, style, and ideal look-for-body type that quickly. I'm so awesome.