Making better decisions :)

From Happiness is a Warm Puppy by Charles Schultz

At one of my favorite stores, there is a "25 cents" rack. I thought the rack was full of rejects, so I never spent much time going through it. Then yesterday, I had a wild hair, and ended up finding three pairs of pants in really good condition that are now in my shop. The cashier was proud of me. She's super friendly, so I've been doing my best to reciprocate. It's important to be kind to people in retail.

Actions like this have reduced my thrifting expenses drastically over the past month during my hard core "Debt Reduction Diet", which will last as long as it needs to (until my car is paid for and my credit card balance is $0). It means I don't buy everything I want to buy for my shop, and it means that I buy weird things that are cheap because no one has been able to identify them. I have the time to do the research. I have more time than money, and I need to use my resources in effective ways. That's my rationale. I sold a lot of stuff in January, and I plan to continue stocking my store like a mofo in February.

In other news, I'm having some perspective changes in my life on relationships, and on politics. I think I'm becoming more and more of a libertarian, a libertarian who believes in socialized medicine. It's a complicated business, politics. It involves the delicate dance between how we see ourselves, and how we see other people. I think this year, one of my main goals in life will be to empower others to change their own lives. I am working on allowing people to find their own ways instead of telling them how to do what I think is best. Teach a man to fish...

Taking a lover :)

Aren't these super cool?

Don't hide your love...

Michael McDermott - "Lantern"

So if you've ever spent any kind of significant time with me, you have heard me talk about sex. It fascinates me. It scares me. It's endlessly interesting to discuss. I've been trying to work it out, figure it out, for a long time. I think I'm at a better place today than I was fifteen years ago, and even five years ago, but I still have questions about morality, sexual ethics, and the very Megan-esque question, "Should I take a lover?"

Every six months or so, for the past thirteen or so some-odd years, I ask myself this question. And several of those times, the answer was "yes". But for the past few years, the answer has been "no". I entered seminary, quickly got into a relationship, and was confronted by my spirituality and sexuality, all at the same time, in the same room. It wasn't pretty. It was scary and not healthy. I was old enough to know better, but I didn't know how to make decisions that were good for me.

Celibacy is an awful word. So much of the person I want to be is plain hard core. And celibacy is not hard core. But it's also a reflection of how far I've come in those thirteen years. At the beginning, I was sixteen, totally in love, and unable to move in my own body, accept my own sexuality and act on it. When I lost that relationship, I did a 180 and slept with anyone who would have me. I was heartbroken and confused, and it took me a really long time to work through those feelings. It took me a long time to forgive that sixteen-year-old girl who couldn't sleep with her boyfriend, the one person I ever really loved. But I have forgiven her. It was a lot of emotion for a previously unloved little girl. It was overwhelming and terrifying.

So maybe I'll take a lover, but I probably won't. I want to be with someone I love. So yeah, that's the thing I've been talking about lately, that painful, suffering, wanting. I want to be with the person I love, and it's an almost impossible thing to wait for.

Victorian Romance

Vintage Fire King Milk-Glass Tulip Saucer :)

I'm still listening to Taylor Swift. Whatever. My mom thinks my life is a Victorian romance novel, but I know better. Pathological delusional thinking does not a romantic life make. My life is below-the-fold material.

I think my love life makes me look like a little kid who doesn't know anything about life or commitment. It makes me look like a stupid single girl who thinks she knows things she could never know. Maybe those things are absolutely true. Maybe I am stupid and silly and immature. Maybe I'm seriously emotionally disabled and operating at a 13 year-old level. I think I'm okay with those things being true right now, mostly because who I am is who I am, and there's nothing I can do about it.

So maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, combing the landfills of love, looking for something salvageable. Maybe you've heard this all a hundred times, and thinking, "What the hell is this blog about anyway, and when is it going to get interesting?" Well, sorry. I'm just a poor little orphan girl, looking for a home, and trying to make sure that people stop looking at the new, and start looking at the old.