Nothing.

The thing about trash and recycling, is that there's always something there, a tangible object, a thing to feel and see (and sometimes even smell). When you throw something away, that thing goes somewhere (usually to a landfill). You recycle something, and it gets transformed and used again. The cycle goes on and on and on. It's a beautiful thing.

But with love, sometimes there is nothingness and emptiness, and "no more". Sometimes feelings disappear, and can never be found again. Where they go, we don't know. We go to marriage counseling to find them. We take lovers, hoping to feel good again. We drink. We laugh. We try to want and long and ache the way we used to.

Nothing.

I am feeling a bit empty of love at this moment, wishing and missing for what I once carried with me every day like a warm, tear-soaked, blanket.

No more love like a life force that could leap tall buildings. No more love. No more love. No more love.

Is this the bottom?

I went to teppanyaki last night with coworkers for an end-of-the-year celebration. The place was packed, on a Tuesday, in an otherwise boring strip mall. It seemed odd to me. Good, even great (economy-wise), but odd nonetheless.

Last week, I went to my bank, and a young man was hiding outside, unseen from the security guards, selling M&Ms. He asked me if I wanted any (It was 102 degrees). I said "sorry". And it was in that moment that I thought, "this must be the bottom". People ask for money on cardboard signs on every corner, young people without shopping carts. Adults selling candy outside banks. Suddenly, I was transported to Peru, where children sell candy on the streets, and on the buses, where each car is accosted at every stop light, with people selling their wares, trying their best to survive.

But in happier news, my generic chocolate sandwich cookies have reappeared on their store's shelf, and I eagerly shared my joy with the first employee who seemed like she might care. And she did. It was a wonderful moment.

Online dating update (it sucks)

Frye Boots, baby! This model is no longer made.

So when I started setting stuff up for the flea market, organizing and such, I realized that I have a lot more than I could have imagined, and my booth should look really nice and full on Saturday. I'm a little bit concerned about my own energy level, and my ability to get through the day, but I'm committed and will do what needs to be done.

The online dating thing is lame. I hate it. I want a refund. All I think when I look at it is, "This is not what I want". I don't know at what point it's appropriate to do something I don't want in the interest of having sex a meaningful relationship sometime soon. I don't know how far to push myself in this area, when nothing else has been fruitful, so I don't have other, better, options.

I want a man I'm deeply attracted to. I want a man who's at least as strong as me. Those are the two hardest things to find. All of the other stuff is way easier. My therapist and I talked today about how capable I am. I have quality friendships with men. I've had intimate relationships with men. All I have to do is put the two together, and I'll be in business! I told her she was being too positive; she said she wasn't trying to be.

I'm tired of it being so hard.

[That's what she said :)]

I got a dog.

Ten things about my new dog:

1. Her name is Molly
2. She is small and black
3. She is a Chihuahua mix
4. She's fairly quiet
5. She's been crazy hungry
6. She's a rescue
7. I woke up in the middle of the night, and she was sitting by my head staring at me
8. She's very jumpy and bouncy
9. She came home with poop on her, and when I tried to give her a bath, she bit me--she was so scared, there was a lot going on, and I hadn't let her know who was boss
10. We've got a ways to go before we love each other

Want to adopt a dog? I had been looking at this website for months, and drooling over a dog I could love. I found a bunch that appealed to me, but in the end, I picked up the one who didn't seem to like me, and took her home. I hope we're okay. She sure is cute, and super weird.

Be an activist...please

 

So this whole Occupy movement has unfortunately been stomped on lately, but now the battle against the banks and the foreclosure crisis is heating up. One example of this is Occupy our Homes, which works to keep people in their homes post-eviction by any [peaceful] means necessary. Honestly, I have some resistance to this, and I'd like to work it out a bit. Bear with me. I will get somewhere.

I was raised on corn-fed beef and "We Hate Clinton" yard signs, so "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is not so much a saying in my mind as it is an understood core philosophy of what every person should strive for. I also believe that evil exists, and that systemic evil is particularly powerful. Secrets breed more secrets, and power is addictive. We, as a culture, have operated under the guise of self-sustainability for so long, that we didn't even notice that it was a farce. We are owned, and not by something good and pure, but by banks and corporations.

I believe that there is enough money in the system to pay fair wages, but a lot of that money is in the hands of a few people, and we gave it to them. Yup. You and me. We gave it to them. We handed it over and said, "Here, I trust you." And now we're all sunk in a pit of confusion and despair, because we didn't know any better.

But now we know better. And as Dr. Phil says (or Maya Angelou), "When you know better, you do better." So do better. Move your money, out of Bank of America, Chase, J.P. Morgan, and any other bank that didn't either originate in your area, or directly serve the people in your area. My neighborhood has one bank: B of A. My neighborhood is the poorest of the poor: the undocumented, the refugees, the single moms on public assistance-lots of people who don't have bank accounts. Every one of them is trying to make life work one day at a time. But they're stuck in a system that tells them, "This is the way" and life is so hard that they listen.

I think that some of the movement in this area needs to be towards educating people who need to learn how to empower themselves. It needs to be credit unions making themselves known to local communities, and not just to those who have already heard. Stop preaching to the choir. If they've already heard it, and haven't acted, shake the dust off your feet, and move on!

Be an activist. But don't quit your day job please.

Labradors are a pain in the butt

I've taken a lovely weekend off, to watch a Law & Order marathon and celebrate Rosh Hashanah. I haven't done much else, although for the first time in years I went bar hopping last night with my mom and her friend. Wow. I have not been missing a single thing. I did get some sweet potato fries and a nice bruise on my knee, but I left too early in the evening to witness the lovely bar fight that later transpired at the final location. No lessons learned really, just a reminder of a life I have no intention of leading.

I believe that this evening's meal will be vegan, or at least vegan enough for me, so I am looking forward to some sort of tofu matzo ball. I've been ridiculously hungry the past 24 hours. Is it possible that my body recognizes when food is available and turns on the hunger switch? It's possible I suppose, evolutionarily speaking.

Finally, I've been taking a lot of walks with a certain dog who will remain nameless. She's a five-year-old black lab who was never really trained, and doesn't quite know how to live in the world. She also just lost her only canine friend, so she still might be grieving. I look forward to the day when I can have dogs again, but right now I've got enough on my plate. I do not have room in my life to spend my time looking for leaves to wipe up dog poo on the sidewalk, not enough room.