I am a terrible diabetic right now. It is next to impossible for me to Move (i.e. my belongings) and eat at the same time. My brain cannot go in that many directions. I'm caught between a little trauma response and a completely adult activity that needs all my brain power.
Unfortunately, these two things, in combination, spell trouble. Not eating means my brain doesn't get enough energy to operate properly. Suddenly, an already stressful activity becomes ten times worse. It becomes impossible. I wailed on my bed twice today. I said "I want to die" at least ten times, out loud, in front of other people. Now of course my close friends know I'm an embellisher of the highest degree, but they also know that I'm someone who doesn't always want to live either, so I make it very difficult when I say things like this. I recognize that I'm doing this, but sometimes my feelings are so big that only BIG statements will do.
I wish I had enough insight to make different choices, but right now I'm flailing at everything. In two weeks, hopefully everything will be organized and I will be back to my usual dramatic jovial self. But right now, I'm in the thick of it, a thick mess of boxes and a very small walkway through them.
The thing that got me through today, apart from the invaluable help of my friends, is a mad crush I'm having. My best friend says I need to remember that romance fades quickly (she snuffs my flame when she worries it'll set a fire), and I was hurt. I want to enjoy what I've got going, because it's quite enjoyable, and it's all with a person I enjoy quite a lot. I don't want to throw away the good stuff just because it might not last forever, because I already know that life is hard. I don't need to make it harder just because I'm feeling too good.
So how do I know that all of this chaos won't end badly? How do I know that it will all work out in the end? I really don't. I don't have a good romantic track record (it's quite terrible, actually), and I am intense as all get out.
So in the midst of the boxes and the chaos in my brain, I sat down to eat some rolls before I went to sleep. My caloric intake today would infuriate my nutritionist, but it'll all return to normal soon enough. I'll be back to my burrito-a-day habit and all will be well.
Because at the end of the day, no matter how crazy life gets, I can't throw myself away. I'm the only one I've got.
Ya. I'm a snuffer alright. And, I'm not romantical, much. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't enjoy it all you can. Honestly, I was a ridiculously happy, blissfully foolish wreck when Dave and I first fell in love. It was great.
ReplyDeleteSure, the nitty-gritty sets in soon enough. Either stuff goes bad and it all ends, or it turns mundane and has a chance of lasting. Mundane is a good thing. It's sustainable. It's the way of comfortable companionship. And, mundane doesn't preclude the exhilarating highs and pitiful lows that punctuate every intimate relationship.
So, enjoy the romance, the butterflies, the thrill of the ride, as long as it lasts. Whatever happens in the end, you will be richer for it all.
I almost forgot... Chin up. Anybody would be frustrated with the state of that apartment at the moment. I think you are faring quite well, given the situation. It will get better.
ReplyDeleteWell. You aren't the only one you've got. And this is so wise: "I don't want to throw away the good stuff just because it might not last forever". If we did, we'd throw away everything.
ReplyDeleteOh, & P.S. Amy -- After 30 years of marriage, I'm STILL a romantic. And he snores. Go figure.