Writing a book.

For the past several years, I have been slowly working on a book. Slowly is an understatement. This book might never be finished. But it is a part of me in a way that I cannot quite express, and therein lies the purpose of the thing. I write because it is who I am, and the book is my way of trying to figure out who I am. It's a weird circular thing.

Seeing myself is difficult, like running-an-ultramarathon-in-the-desert-difficult. I've spent most of my life seeing myself the way other people have described me: melodramatic, annoying, crazy, ugly. To challenge those messages, some of them a lifetime old, is a daily struggle, a work in the deepest primitive part of my brain. So to reach inside that part takes a different kind of energy than the day-to-day walking-around kind of energy.

Anyhow, the book is about my family and the reasons I am the way I am. But it'll probably take me the rest of my life to make something I'm really proud of. So in the meantime, it will be something, a hope, that sustains me.

Peace.

Old sweatshirts

CVC Tuscon - Roadrunner mug (great color, huh?)

I always have good thinking time when I'm out walking around my neighborhood. It helps me get rid of nasty bad feelings, and start to dream a little bit. And then when I walk in my front door, it's all in the past, and I move on with my day, leaving all those dreams undone, ready to be picked up at a later time.

Tonight, I was thinking about old sweatshirts, you know, the sweatshirts you wear all the time when you're at home? The ones that are faded and holey? Well, I was always trying to get my hands on these when I was a kid. I dreamed of the day that I would have old sweatshirts that felt familiar and homey. I would take sweatshirts from my parents, but they hated that, so I was always left wanting more, my own hooded sweatshirt. Twas only a dream...

Anyhow, I was thinking that the reason for this wish was the familiarity of something old, something that had been around for a long time, something tangible that crossed over from place to place, that traveled with me through time. I wanted something to hold on to.

Anyhow, I now have sweatshirts like this, that are faded and torn. I remember the moment that I tore one particular sweatshirt. I remember where I was, what I was doing, and what I was feeling. It has history. As I get older, my things age with me, become more a part of me.

Thoughts of the day. Whatever. Peace out :)