I'm a Romantic Nut-Job

Today was a hard day. I have a poem floating around in my head about the past couple weeks of painful rejections, but I can't write it. I called my mom to talk about it (i.e. the subject matter, not the poem); she reminded me that she could not help me with the poem. Right. Got it.

Now, she's an agnosticy-christiany person, and doesn't quite hold to mainstream Christian rhetoric. I don't either, but she's so brass about it that I don't know quite know what to call it. She doesn't spout religious-isms often, so I take note when she does. Today in the midst of my sadness, she said that maybe God is sending me a sign by disallowing me from being romantically involved with any of my exes. My first response was to brush it off, but I know better. I know I should listen, that somehow what she thinks matters.

I'm trying to not be explicit, to give readers details I can't take back, so as to spare my hopeful heart the reality check it needs. But I have a problem. I'd rather be with someone I've been with before than go to all the effort of starting a brand new relationship. I want someone who knew me before, who loved me before; before I got all whole and healthy. I feel like I can trust a person who loved me before; they know how bad it can get.

I try to tell myself that it's just about not throwing people away, but it's really about my own fear. The more you get naked, the more you walk around your everyday life naked. The more vulnerable you let yourself become with those you love, the more vulnerable you become all the time. And suddenly, without even granting your permission, the whole world can see you naked.

Neurotic. I know.

But I fell in love with Emerson and Thoureau when I was sixteen. My favorite book was Jane Eyre because it was so romantic; I pined over the same person for over a decade because that's how I felt, damn-it. So maybe I should let go, stop trying to hold on to things that don't belong to me. But I need more than someone's hunch to get to that place. And that philosophy has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past. I go all the way, and end up falling really hard, and hurting really bad.

See you on the flip side, whenever that is. God help me.