Grow old, Grow up

I have an incredible need to please. I also have an incredible need to be good. Sometimes these two things come together and I get very very stuck. Now is one of those times. The two are fighting against one another, and I'm caught in the middle of their battle. It's getting ugly; I'm thinking negative thoughts about myself.

I love people, but I assume that they won't love me unless they see me often, and see my best parts often. If they see my worst parts too often, they will abandon me. If that were really to happen, it wouldn't be my fault, but it really would. I can talk the big talk about how I am my own person and God loves me as I am, and I should surround myself with people who love me just as I am, but let's face it, life doesn't work that way. We have to be nice and phone our parents, and do the laundry and buy groceries and not scream at strangers. There is a limit to "being yourself". I can only skip church so often before people begin to forget me. I can only be mean to my best friend so many times before she just stops calling. Being "myself" isn't always about doing exactly what I feel at any given moment. Sometimes there needs to be some thought behind action.

So I feel like crap, but I'm going to do my very best not to throw that all over other people. Because that's my job. I'm an adult. I saw a license plate holder last week that said "I will grow old, but I'll never grow up" and I thought, "Seriously? If the adults don't [act like adults], who will?" We are responsible, not because of some cosmic philosophical idea of "free will", but because no matter what you believe, your actions have consequences. Be yourself to your heart's delight, but recognize that who you are affects other people, whether or not you like it.

So I'm going to go to sleep tonight with that thought. I feel bad, but I'm going to keep fighting. Because quitting is not an option. I have people who love me.