When is enough, enough?

There was a time, in the early part of my illness, before I knew about my semi-retarded pancreas, when I gave up hope. I actually gave up. I stopped taking my medication. I stopped caring about what I ate. I gave up. This was a pretty short period of time, but I remember it seeming like longer. I wanted to stick it to all the people who thought they knew what was going on, who thought I was lazy and manipulative, the people who called me a liar. I don't know how not taking care of myself showed these people much of anything, but I remembered feeling powerful. I was taking control of my own life.

Feeling in control has become a hidden, but vital, part of my self-concept. When I feel in control, I feel calm. I feel like I know what's going to happen, and I don't have to be afraid. Relinquishing control to other people, letting other people drive the car for example, is difficult for me. Being in the driver's seat gives me the satisfaction of knowing that all will be well, and if it's not, I can blame someone else...or myself; this isn't really a well-thought-out personality structure.

Within intimate relationships, I am black and white, all or nothing. I get what I want or I don't get anything at all. These two extremes are both satisfactory options. But this is an impossible way to live. No one, I repeat, No One, can successfully live this way. No one can be in control and in relationship with other people. This brings me to my current predicament.

I want it all. I want it all right now. And if I can't have it, then I'm going to forget about it, because in the middle of black and white is longing and pain-painful longing. That gray area means that some things are not set in stone, that circumstances and people may will change, that I don't have control. My heart aches at the thought. I am one who needs firm plans: What are we doing; where are we going; and when are we leaving. I won't die if I don't have the answers, but I will feel some anxiety. I'm working on that.

Putting my life on display means relinquishing control. It means allowing people to judge me, to create opinions of me, and even speak those opinions to others. It means setting aside my ego and allowing people to be people, me to be me, God to be God, and knowing that somehow, in the midst of all of that, everything will be okay. I'll keep you updated.