Can you tell I'm a Feeler?

Yesterday, for the first time in the past few crazy weeks, I felt small and sad. I didn't feel like my big strong adult self. This is never a good thing. I tried to hone in on, and blame, one particular problem to try and make sense of my feelings. Blaming it on another person is never productive, but I tried. I'm very happy to say that I didn't succeed. I didn't make a crazy phone call, or write a crazy letter, or tell someone "I'm through!" This is growth. Major growth.

I tend to be very controlled by my emotions. In my seminary community, some people are ridiculously aware of their Myers-Briggs personality labels; it's not uncommon for someone to spout of their acronym off the cuff (e.g. "I'm an ENTP."). Right now, I'm forgetting what exactly I am (INFP?), but I know that one of the letters says I'm a FEELER. I told someone this the other day and he sarcastically replied, "Really?" to which I shyly replied, "oh, you noticed?" It was a good moment; I like it when people see me for who I really am.

There are "ideal" matches for INFPs. I don't know if there is an ideal match out there for me in the world. I used to think that there was; I once believed in romance and destiny (when I was 16), but now I'm much more realistic. Love is a choice. Love is an action. I don't get special treatment from God if I end up with my "ideal" match.

He may be an introvert too (my partner, not God). That's okay. I think that people confuse the introversion/extroversion spectrum with what they like. No one likes to be alone all the time! It's where one gets reenergized that defines them. And I also think that there comes a point in a long-term committed relationship when the partners know one another enough not to step on each other's toes in the reenergizing period.

My dad's view of a vacation is a day where he can putter without interruption. My mom knows this and leaves him alone.

I strive to attain sustainable relationships, but the core philosophy I'm trying to build is something I have a lot of difficulty writing about. It will be something I continue to work on throughout my life. I look forward to that.