There was a time in my life when I had to give up every vice. I think I tried to give things up for God, like God cared about my love for chocolate/peanut butter ice cream. For Lent one year, I gave up ten things. It was ridiculous. I think I tried to fast too (as in not eating for days). I was trying to purge my life of everything I thought God wanted me to get rid of. It was very monkish of me. I've joked for a long time about becoming a nun. It's probably because I've struggled for a long time thinking that I am a terrible person (I'm completely over that now).
Well, those attempts failed. My love for chocolate/peanut butter ice cream hasn't gone anywhere, and I'm not troubled by it. I have, however, gone to the grocery store three times this week looking for my SO Delicious and it's been all gone-every freakin time! But I digress...
The point is, sometimes the things we think are vices are really less important than the negative thoughts we think about ourselves and other people, and the negative influences we allow into our lives. Sometimes these influences are people. Sometimes, as painful as it is (and believe me, I've lived the unbelievable pain), it's the only way to move forward. Maybe someday you can return, but you have to grow and change on your own before you can return to those who you've worked with to become the broken person you are today.
I highly recommend Laura Davis's book I Thought We'd Never Speak Again. I have a wonderful ex-library copy by my bed that I read when I'm feeling particularly blue. It gives me hope that loss can be a good thing, and that I am currently becoming the person I want to be, and maybe, just maybe, someday things will be different.
I tried to find this book in the library but they didn't have it.
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